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❤Annie ❤, 23 y.o.
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Date: October 4, 2022
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You're embarrassed of your significant other in public. And the reason you're embarrassed of them would be considered racist in any other social setting.
I think it may be your social anxiety being amplified because it is another thing that could put attention on you, in public, by strangers, and that's already a big fear.
I don't think there's a real answer on the Internet for this question. I think it requires work with a therapist and work on your own anxieties. That seems like it would resolve it.
hey, im sorry that youre going through this. if you think that this is not something worth breaking up over, i think it is. i believe you've told her that you feel like she's disrespecting your culture because of the nickname she gave you, and she couldn't respect that view of yours. i think respect for culture and background is fundamental in a relationship. if she cant respect that small part of you as an austrian, i dont know if she'll be able to respect other parts that may be bigger and more alien to her. in my opinion, you deserve someone so much better, someone that will accept, love, and respect you, accent and all.
Fuck, this is deep you need to get her into a mental care facility asap . Your relationship is being blatantly disregarded and disrespected. Sorry your going through this but you need to accept what’s happening and genuinely I hope you get through this, you will.
Sounds like with this type of mentality you’re never going to get over it honestly.
Urgh I feel like I'm an asshole but I do think you overreacted and your husband didn't intend it to be sexual + your friend is married ?
That was less than a month into you getting together, it could have been the first week, and you were told that she wasn't ready yet. If it was just the once and at that early stage in your relationship I personally wouldn't sweat it, but then there's people who wouldn't even consider being with someone who remotely cheated. I call it remotely cause you weren't much of a couple at the time as I see in your post.
It's your decision if this is something that would forever hang over your relationship and be a problem in the future, or you can move on and enjoy the relationship anyway.
Btw. What was your darkest secret? (you do NOT need to answer that)
Again, it isn't a sexuality that his wife simply disagrees with. I would suggest just reading the actual post. It sounds like she wants custody because her husband is involving their children in his kink (not a sexuality, I believe he is hetero/bi but it was posted a while ago). You would understand it better if you… read it.
Sounds like she needs some time and space. Let her be and if it becomes too much time and space, then you need to have a heart to heart with her on your emotional needs
Thank you so much! It was honestly a change in mentality and one day became two and it kept going!
Porn is for lonely people.
I get the feeling you don't talk to many women
I would 100% tell her. I'd probably start with the same as what you've written as a text.
Pieces of Shizz like him will continue to do this, over and over again. They don't truly care. They care about being caught.
I’m 30, and was in a similar situation when I was 27 (single after a 4 year relationship). Had been in short term relationships since and am now in what I would say will be a long term relationship (it’s been 4 months, I’m 30 and he’s 29). 30 is just a number, there’s no deadline for anything. It’s not like suddenly your ovaries shrivel and you can no longer have children or can’t find partners. Some people don’t find their partners til later in life.
Just chill, talk it out with a therapist, and don’t rush into anything just because you don’t want to be single at 30. That’s how you end up in bad relationships.
Wake up OP
I hate that this made me laugh
did you read a sentence the man wrote? seems like you’re viewing this through a lens. i think it’s clearly obvious he loves her and wants to stay with her because of who she is, he explained multiple reasons why it’s due to things out of her control. but that doesn’t make her healthier or him any more attracted. i know it’s “taboo” but being attracted is important in every relationship, it’s how this sht works. i think it says more about you if your answer is to just give up and leave when life shit happens instead of trying to find a way forward where she can feel better about herself, he can feel better, and they can stay together. it feels weird even typing this out how is this not immediately obvious?
I’d dump him. The only reason there aren’t more women in STEM is because of men like him. I’m in a male dominated field (when I’m in a small department I’m almost always the only woman on the technical side) and it’s been really very hot dealing with men like your BF. I have to work harder and be smarter than them because of guys like your BF. He most likely sees YOU as inferior and this won’t change.
I think these type of porn categories are like “incest porn”, people don't usually try to fulfill them
I do not understand how people in relationships for this short amount of time, are willing to go through shit like this without just bouncing lmao. Your friends told you a woman 13 years older than you was trying to baby trap you & you still stayed? You caught her at her exes house & you still stayed? I’d understand sunken cost fallacy, but it’s been 8 months. Lol. You need to leave my guy. This is just all bad.
Does your boyfriend have anything creative that he's passionate about or does he do unsolicited kind things for others? Because the title sounds like something a person would say if they've never experienced this and seeing someone else doing it makes them self conscious. Like if he can convince you that you're somehow a bad person for getting gratification out of providing for others or doing something that is meaningful to you then he doesn't have to reflect on why he doesn't go those things. This is not a position a person would take if they truly loved you and wanted you to succeed and feel good in life. Throw the whole man out before he dismantles your self-esteem entirely.
If you are still friends with the person you slept with, you start dating someone, you leave out the sleeping together part and then you bring them together to “hash out their issues”? Yikes.
While yes, we do all have a past, not all of us have a present with someone we have slept with who doesn't get along with the person we are sleeping with now. Did you really think that she would have taken it well? (That was a rhetorical question). Of course she wouldn't, which is why you never shared it with her in the first place.
Not lying by omission, or otherwise, would be a good start if you want to try and repair this. It's time for you to open up to her and be honest about everything, from here on out.
If you all do stay together, just know that she won't trust you for a while and she will probably tell you to axe your friendship with your friend. If that isn't something you will do then you need to go ahead and let this relationship go. I'd be willing to bet that your “best friend” has more than friends feelings for you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have said that you two slept together before. She would have left that for you to do (again, you should have).
Looking back now, are there any things that you can think of that your “best friend” has done that eludes to stronger feelings? You don't have to answer that here, but think about it. This may help you make a decision about your friendship.
If you do end up breaking up with her, use this situation as a life lesson and, most importantly, LEARN from it!
I lied about my own orgasm lol
Just block him. 2 weeks in should feel amazing.
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We had very little to no contact for about a year right after breaking up because of this reason. It's pretty difficult though because nowadays we on-line in the same neighbourhood with the same friend group. And I don't have any other friends so our paths just cross all the time.
Girl, he’s not spiraling or self destructive. He just let you down gently while keeping you as an option incase his new life/new gf doesn’t work out. Go no contact, this relationship is over.
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i agree i wanted to hit him but if i didn’t knock him out i would’ve got my ass beat even more
is op even American?
Rent no, because he’s going to have that regardless. Utilities, that seems a stretch, if he’s really struggling, maybe pass him a $20 for water bill, especially if you like Hollywood baths/showers. Do you use extra heat for just you? My oldest comes home and cranks the heat up to 90, because she’s cold. Or if she’s very hot, she turns the AC down to 50. If you aren’t doin that, then occasionally a bathroom light on, when he’s also not in the room seems like a cost he could absorb. If you weren’t hanging at his house, or your house, theoretically, y’all would be going out, which costs money, that maybe you’d split the cost of. If he’s struggling very hot. Maybe. But I’d have to see where this is coming from personally. My BIL stayed with us for 3 months, I couldn’t tell much of a difference in our water bill, (about $5-6 increase in a month) or electric bill, (still ridiculously high, either way) Definitely did with groceries, however.
How does she know that? I recommend immediate couples counseling so that you can learn to communicate with each other a hell of a lot better.
You can't just change 36 years of communication style…
I agree with you. OP had a comment above that got down voted so no one can see it, but she basically says she wants their life together to stay the way it is, and she wants a wedding because she wants a huge celebration with the dress, and the party, and to enjoy the event with her family. I don't know why you guys are down voting her, it's her freaking life, she can have her own motivations and reasons for what she wants. Given the circumstances, I see no problems with her biyfriends requests. He doesn't care to get married because he obviously likes their life together too, so if she wants a wedding then he is willing to do whatever she wants. But the wedding isn't the symbol of the new marriage, that part isn't important to either of them. Weddings are stupid expensive, even a small one can cost like 10K, so if he doesn't want to spend money on it and she had the ability to do it, then I really don't see the problem. They haven't changed their commitment to each other, he isn't asking for anything beyond what they already agreed to.
Bro, you need to work on your insecurities. This is entirely a you problem.
Lost cause. Sounds like you’re looking at a shitty situation through rose colored glasses.
That's my addict husband in a nutshell. It was easier. Thirty seconds alone in the bathroom, zero effort.
What are you even talking about? Bad guy??? You've been getting increasingly defensive in your responses about things you said yourself were areas of concern. If you want a romantic relationship with a man, then being married to your gay friend probably won't fly. You both may be fine with it right now but who knows what the future holds. He may meet someone he falls head over heels in love with and decides your platonic marriage isn't something he wants to do anymore. Or you might as well. Better to end your codependent relationship now than when shit hits the fan and you have a falling out that ends not only your marriage but your friendship as well.
Homophobic Transphobic Picks fights
Why are you with this person?
My height is 5 foot 3 inches and weight is 115-120lb and in no way fat
You didn't need to say this at all. It's not the issue at all.
NO other girl would be this upset for something that was a joke. And he has had 2 long term girlfriends before
Gaslighting. Also, where are these 2 other girls now? Those relationships didn't last!
he stormed off and said he can’t be with someone who blows up and is like a nuke about one little comment.
You told him he hurt your feelings and now he's the one throwing a tantrum. He's the volatile one as far as I can see here
i didn’t say u were fat just ur stomach. And i asked him not to leave but he left anyways then texted me saying maybe we should take a break followed an hour later saying sorry and he wants this to work.
This is whacky manipulative behavior. He's not regulating, and he's throwing this tantrum over the fact that he hurt your feelings and your trying to tell him that what he did hurt you. He's sending you the message: moving forward, when he hurts your feelings, you have to be ok with it unless he happens to be in the mood to hear it. He's showing you who he is. Can you accept this?
he says I’m super dramatic and no other girl would ever react like this.
Gaslighting.
Extremely unfortunate but we got randomly paired for 3rd year rotations
Because you've been in a romantic relationship, they can change this for you. It's a major ethics issue if your education in administering medicine and your school should work with you to find a solution. I doubt this will be a problem to fix if you speak up.
we have had a fight like this so many times. Im just scared and don’t know if i should really break up with him for good or not. I don’t like/want to feel dramatic or crazy but i can’t help but be upset. Not even about the comment but that he doesn’t care I’m upset or try to understand.
This is trauma bonding. Get support from friends, family and loved ones, and reach out to your school's counseling services. Dump this a hole yesterday.
It really sounds like your brother is the one that is trying to ruin your life. The verbal abuse over something that doesn’t affect him at all is crazy. The fact that your mom has done nothing about it is insane. Your life isn’t ruined, your brother is just an asshole.
Set some boundaries “if you can’t stand me so much, and continue to talk to me disrespectfully I will walk away.” And then do it. You don’t have to tolerate being treated like this.
Just recognize that the power dynamic in the relationship don’t favour you.
Imagine it has been a long week, you’re tired, and want to just be by yourself.
Your sugar daddy shows up horny. He likes to see you Friday nights, he expects you to wear make-up and sexy lingerie. You have the choice of not engaging, but not engaging may cause issues. Sex work is real work, keep that in mind.
Is this the type of choice with which you will be okay?
How does your girlfriend usually react to being surprised? That is the question here, for me. For example, I hate surprises. I have a lot of anxiety about being unprepared for things and my boyfriend has learned that surprises are not a good idea unless announced in advance (ie, “I booked us a weekend away next week!”) or given a theme (ie, “I made us dinner reservations for tonight!”) so I can prepare mentally and physically. If your girlfriend is similar, the surprise of being pulled out of her routine could have triggered some anxiety.
Something else to think about, again from my own experiences, I also have a very very hot time with feeling like I’m letting down my coworkers and associates when I can’t go into work (like if I get sick, or if we’re short staffed but I need the day off). Again, if your girlfriend has similar anxieties, pulling her out of work when she wasn’t expecting it could have led to her feeling guilty about abandoning her coworkers when they needed her.
As someone who has a lot of anxieties and a boyfriend who doesn’t, please believe me when I say she most likely didn’t mean to sour the mood – likely her emotions were just too loud and too many. Try talking to her after she’s had some time to calm down from the stress and events of the day and ask what exactly triggered her, and how you can help avoid overwhelming her in the future.
How does your girlfriend usually react to being surprised? That is the question here, for me. For example, I hate surprises. I have a lot of anxiety about being unprepared for things and my boyfriend has learned that surprises are not a good idea unless announced in advance (ie, “I booked us a weekend away next week!”) or given a theme (ie, “I made us dinner reservations for tonight!”) so I can prepare mentally and physically. If your girlfriend is similar, the surprise of being pulled out of her routine could have triggered some anxiety.
Something else to think about, again from my own experiences, I also have a very very hot time with feeling like I’m letting down my coworkers and associates when I can’t go into work (like if I get sick, or if we’re short staffed but I need the day off). Again, if your girlfriend has similar anxieties, pulling her out of work when she wasn’t expecting it could have led to her feeling guilty about abandoning her coworkers when they needed her.
As someone who has a lot of anxieties and a boyfriend who doesn’t, please believe me when I say she most likely didn’t mean to sour the mood – likely her emotions were just too loud and too many. Try talking to her after she’s had some time to calm down from the stress and events of the day and ask what exactly triggered her, and how you can help avoid overwhelming her in the future.
luckily i'm connected to most of my friends' wifis, so less data is no issue. i plan on getting engaged and hopefully married to my boyfriend by the end of the year. which would lead to an insurance change and a phone plan change at one time. and then i plan on attaching to my boyfriends bank account. what i'm most frustrated about right now is that she side-eyes me everytime i set a boundary, no matter how small it is.
Your friend needs to know about this, tell them.
Neither of you are wrong, you just have different views. Better to find this out now.
Personally, I wouldn't care at all if someone I was dating sold feet pics and videos. It's feet. Why the fuck would I care. “People wank to it.” So? It's not a big deal.
Lol, done deal! Let's go BIRDS!
What is erping?
Really early on in our relationship my partner would get handsy and what started in fun ended with me being pissed off when he wouldn't stop. We went to a therapist to come up with a safe word when I was done. We never had that problem again. Your partner is being abusive in my opinion. I think you're more worried about feeling crazy vs he completely ignores your boundaries. He won't apologize until you're crying? Girl, he's an asshole.
Right. On a separate note, I'm a father of a toddler. When I read that part of your post, I literally thought to myself “ok, so?” Just doesn't make sense.
You wrote 4 long paragraphs about how he belittles you and your passion and everything about it. Would you treat his hobby or special interests like he is to you? No. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t uplift and support you. He’s an asshole and immature.
you being on the pill is none of his business, don't feel guilty.
In my ex’s case, he had the comforts of a marriage without marrying me. When we broke up, he suddenly needed the same thing, so he married someone 17 months after we broke up.
You sure it's pre?
That is so utterly manipulative.
Just to think that there are twisted losers who think they can prey on the trust and kindness of others to exploit them for personal benefit.
BLOCK HIM ON ALL FRONTS. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you into getting back together.
Well he obviously didn't grow out of that phase even 20 years later, did he?
First step is to get the courage and contact a domestic violence hotline. They can give you advice how to safely manage your fiance without raising his suspicion.
I really think you should also consider going to the police, but you will need proof. The hotline should give you advice how to secretly get proof without him knowing and whether to get a restraining order. They also sometimes give access to women's shelter / emergency accommodation.
You have to get out of this situation asap. Please don't put up with this any longer. You need to lie, cheat and fake everything to his face whilst you build an escape plan. Make him believe everything is fine.
Go back and ask again. Might be different now and it is worth it
No. Tell him you aren’t going and if he doesn’t let this go he can pay for the damn babysitter.
This right here is a perfect example of how fucking stupid it is that humans have guns.
All she had to do was use her interpersonal skills a bit and instead she traumatised the shit out of you and created a completely needless scene.
Absolutely ridiculous.
I wouldn’t go back to that place. What you do with your bf depends on how attached you are to him and how he deals with this.
It doesn’t have to end the relationship but it very easily could.
So you help with the kids by asking your parents or suggesting y’all get a nanny. ??yeah not very attractive dude. A husband that takes care of his own kids and does it with pride and a smile is very hot. You ain’t it.
If a man ever uttered any of these words to me I’d be gone. It’s Unacceptable. Period. Please get help because he sounds dangerous. Why are you with him? Is he rich ? Handsome? Big dick? … “oh he’s so nice when he doesn’t call me a slur” …wtf? Definitely doesn’t matter when you’re dead. For the love of all things, ugh , dear heart… sweet one…get out woman! Wake the fuck up! ( sorry if I sound mean but you need a wake up call before you don’t ever wake up again because of this creep)
i've always used a bidet, but i was talking abt public restrooms.
Oh my god, I hate the way he replies. I just want to wring his neck just for that. It’s so passive aggressive and annoyed. OP is a douchebag, poor woman. What’s up with all these trash men posts?
This was on purpose, and you can't even see it.
If Amanda wanted you at the wedding, she would have changed the date. It's not like your wife can just hold her legs together an extra month.
If the date couldn't be moved (for example, if there were deposits involved) then she could have kindly offered to let you participate via Zoom.
The entire thing was a loyalty test. You fell for a manipulation.
I can't believe this shit happened to me, like how do I end up with a family like this?
Dude. What are you doing with your life??? This is insanity. I’m sure my words have no bearing on your decision as you’re already with him after all this crazy shit, but holy fuck. I hope you leave him and tell him why directly.
Where's your logic in thinking you should introduce him now specifically because your mom saw a very hot? What were you waiting for in “meaning to introduce” him at any other time?
Next, what does your mom mean by a “guy like him?”
Definitely shouldn't be seeing this man anymore. Religion is almost never a good thing for the wellbeing of anyone who isn't a boy scout of a straight white man.
Does she go on vacation with them?
You have several options: 1) ignore it and act like it didn’t happen 2) address it and explain that this was hurtful to you and would be to anyone of skin color other than the person who says it. Find a way to explain to them why it’s racist. 3) cut off your friendship and no longer speak to them There are likely other options or combinations of the above, but if you want to salvage the friendship, you could explain to them personal things that have happened to you and how hurtful it was. You could ask them why they feel skin color gives or detracts from someone’s worth as a person. My SIL is dark skinned and my brother is very light skinned. I honestly don’t care and on-line my nieces and nephews to pieces. Skin color should be a non issue in our day and age, but from talking to them, I realize it is not? I hope you can find a way to get through to this person, but I am in no way saying it’s your responsibility. Ypu may however be a person that could get through to them because you sound close, and they may or may not listen to you. Best wishes!
Hey, this is so well said, and I'm happy we get to hear from you!! I didn't like how people were tearing you down because I understand that something like this would be very hot to disclose 🙁 Happy that things are okay between you two ?
Girl you are 20 years old & worrying about this kinda stuff – not good. You will grow to resent him. This isn’t a decision he should have made without consulting you. I think you need time away from Him to think about if this is a sacrifice you’re willing to make. Being a military spouse is a life long commitment. You’re too young & have too much ahead of you to compromise or settle for less than you want.
I am not practicing any kind of sex with her until i am 100% sure I'm clean. I'm taking profilaxis to lower HIV risk and I'm on the lookout for any other symptoms of any other diseases. I have a pretty healthy lifestyle, I take lots of vitamin supplements and amino acids, and my immune system is strong, so i'm optimistic. Plus de doctor told me he was 100% sure I'd be alright, and I know they don't make promises lightly, so I think my prospects are good.
So far i only have a sore throat but that's a very common thing for me.
Anyways, I told her. She was super understanding, told me I had nothing to worry about and that she'd be by my said every step of the way.
Honestly I don't know what I've done to deserve a girl so wonderful as her but I'm making sure I repay her kindness for the rest of my life. Damn I love her so much.
I’m 100% over her. The thing is we were legitimately friends but I can see how it’s selfish for me to try n keep that friendship. I wanted to wait a little longer before she saw anything. Maybe we shouldn’t have tried the friend thing this soon but she wanted to stay in touch and check up on each other. She’s in another country now so I didn’t see the harm.
Yea, my girlfriend has health issues, so do I.
Luckily we're combining DNA to ensure that our kids get copies of genes from both of us so that if some of my genes are defective they'll have hers to fall back on and vise versa.
Can you read? I said the exact opposite. I said I have never claimed to know for a fact she doesn’t have it.
First off, this is always a very hot situation to go through, especially given the length of time and planning that went into your relationship.
One thing I will quickly add is be thankful, be thankful you both didn't move further in your lives for him to drop the bomb, as it would have been significantly worse. You were able to see exactly who he was and now you know he was never the one you would spend your life with.
What he described is very common, and it is a feeling many people experience due to cultural pressure and other temptations, and that feeling can occur whether you have sexually been promiscuous or not. What you learned from him is that 7 years was worth trading for another woman, that is not the type of dynamic you want to stay in.
Take some time, move out or move back home, and start over. Remove all reminders of him, and focus on building your life around family or friends that genuinely have your best interest at heart. It isn't easy, but one day at a time. Do not get sucked into the lifestyles of one night stands to bury the pain.
She is sexually coercing you. This is literally a major red flag and I‘d leave asap.
Thank you
Seriously? It's ridiculous. Standards for behavior in a relationship are not based on gender. They are based on mutual respect. Respect that goes both ways. No one should edit their past for a partner that supposedly respects them. The girl in that picture is a part of OPs past, and part of who made him the man he is. His girlfriend is just going to have to get right with that.
Thank you so much. Needed to hear this from someone to be sure
Doesn't seem like you were ever on the front burner tbh. If you're after a serious relationship, he's not necessarily in that place. And while it may suck, it is what it is. He wants fun and hanging with friends, and that's ok. You can stick it out and hope he becomes ready (but you run the risk of wasting time and growing resentful), you can accept him for what he is and go with it, or you can cut your losses on reasonable terms because you simply have incompatible goals.
You did the right thing. Fact is he hid you and didn’t have the balls to stand up to these so called friends. And you don’t know if they won’t be friends after college. I have college friends that have been in my life now for half my life at this point.
You didn’t put him in an impossible position. It’s basic decency to not have your friends knock your partner
Honestly crazy how much they doubled down. Look I’m all for calling out assholes for body shaming, Fuck that shit. But that clearly wasn’t what was going on here, just seemed so delusional to me
Moving on is the hardest thing to do. You loved this woman, you thought she was your forever person, wife, mom of your kids, the one who loved you back. She didn't. She lied to you about getting that one friend out of her life and she still went to hang out with him a lot of times and had sex with him. Being drunk is just a lame excuse. She chose to do what she did.
You need to get checked for STDs because you don't know who he's been sleeping with and it can happen. Remember she lied and lied and cheated on you and a person who loves you doesn't do that. Never!
You might benefit from some counseling at this point to help with the anxiety if it doesn't improve soon. Leaving a relationship is always tough and painful and it takes time to heal. Maybe try hanging out with some of your friends.
I'm confused why a family who hates each other and is actively mean to each other still visits? Cut contact. 84 yo or not: this woman has been a toxic influence on the family.
After my mom's drinking started to affect her cognition my family members started getting the kind of treatment that she always gave me and suddenly it was a problem that she was a narcissist. I don't know you or your family but your brother's response makes me wonder if you were the golden child who just didn't see this side of him.
I found limited success with strict enforcement of simple boundaries ie if he raises his vojce you leave the room. Explicit (laying them out beforehand) is ideal but under some circumstances that will just inflame the situation and you just find a reason to excuse yourself. It's more difficult if he's living with you, but still possible with some planning.
When asked for advice I always recommended my dad and siblings think of it as a child throwing a fit to get their parent to buy them a chocolate bar. (No judgement for the parents, sometimes it's more important to get the groceries and get out and the occaisonal slip is fine but) every time you give in you teach the kid that throwing a tantrum will lead to them getting what they want. You incentivize the behaviour. That's why it's really important to carefully consider boundaries before they're set and then enforce them condistently, not fold when things get worse. You've got to be more stubborn or else you teach them that escalation works.
My thoughts are the dude is a creeper. That's bullshit.
I’m really sorry but some people do not want to schedule their lives this way. Getting extreme sheldon and Leonard big bang theory vibes here. Get tested for OCD. You’re incompatible but I don’t think he’s an AH and I do think you’re going to struggle in any relationship with someone because even with two kids, two step kids, full time nurse, mortgage, partner, three dogs, two raw fed, I do not require this intense organisation and nor do I get into fights if things don’t go my way.
It certainly didn’t work for me and I’m not really aware of any couple it has worked for, don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are some but I’d be willing to be they’re in the minority.
It sounds like you need a mental health break. Fainting? That sounds serious. It could be related to stress? Are you under a doctors care?
That is why I am living at home. I was in an apartment with other girls but after I fainted and no one found me for around three hours (I was in the shower), the doctor said I needed someone around at all times. It wasn't fair to the other girls so I moved back home where my dad WFH and can make sure I'm alright.
The doctor suspected stress could be part of the reason why I am fainting but nothing is concrete yet.