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Date: October 9, 2022
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I’ve honestly never dealt with someone who was suddenly upset so I don’t know if it’s just his personality or the beginnings of something bad.
Does it matter which one it is? All you know is that he gets angry REALLY easily and has absolutely no problem yelling at you and flailing about in a rage, telling you you “ruin” things. He sounds like a toddler. I'd move on.
But also: go on-line and get a free pdf of a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is a guide for how to avoid abusive partners. It's framed to avoid abusive men, but a huge amount of the stuff can apply to any abuser.
Is it your tone? Do you have like a specific example? It’s naked to comment otherwise
It depends on how much damage was done, if it’s just his bike probably a misdemeanor. If he’s hurt or ends up killed, it depends on the state what degree they decide it’s under, and add more charges. He’s gonna need solid proof it was her though.
He's told me this before and I know I can't cry around him or he gets really angry
That right there? That's a billboard hitting you in the face at 100mph. Good partners don't say things like this. Good partners are your safe place
I should have said this in my post but me and my girlfriend have some rules to make doing long distance work with one of them being no going to a guys room alone (and vice versa for me with a girl)
Simple, full stop explanation: he's using you. Period.
More detailed explanation: he's using you. He's using you for his own mental comfort, not health. A good and honest person does not have to guilt a former partner into telling him they “forgive him to heal.”
If you choose to continue contact with him, be prepared for more of the same. He's going to use you and use you for his own comfort. You are not a comfort blanket or pillow. You are a person. You are a person who deserves your own identity and individuality.
Of course. I don’t think I have an STD I was very careful about who I messed with and turned down a lot.
women are a lot more emotional in general and get their feelings hurt way more.
it's science. not sure what you are disputing.
I mean…depending on the context I suppose ?
I’m afraid i loose him knowing it is my fault and not his , cause i broke up with him a day ago , i know part of it is my fault and insecurities but i want to know if he is the one responsible for all of this , cause i was never like this with any of my ex boyfriends
Do her a favor? How about don’t lie about using birth control and this wouldn’t even be an issue. She’s been just as disrespectful, and baby weight is one thing, not being healthy, not exercising regularly and eating properly is not something brought on by pregnancy, it’s a life choice.
“i don’t want to break up with him because i love him.”
you need to start seeing a therapist, if you can. and i mean immediately. i’m not here to do a mental diagnosis and i’m no sort of therapist but the abuse you endured with your parents seems like it’s had a major toll on you and is leaking into the type of people you decide to engage in relationships with. you will endure what you choose to endure because you’re used to it from your parental figures- but your significant other hitting you is NOT NORMAL and you should not stay with someone after they prove to you that they’re okay with doing so. i hope you find the strength to leave, op.
“They arent asking about splitting any assets or even worrying about her wanting her half later, theyre only worried that she isnt going to help with any of the purchase and that her spending habits will become more of a problem in the future”
she has no understanding of financial burdens, therefore is not ready to have that responsibility.
if OP puts that responsibility on her, she will more than likely leave
If divorce would occur, she would receive equity from the house.
Do not marry people who are not finacially responsible. They are inexperience and do not understand the ties of burdens with finacial responsibility. OP, dont do it.
He wants to get married then buy a house. I’d personally rather rent longer and buy in a few years. I’m personally not ok with buying a moving in a year or two. We’ll end up buying, having a kid then wanting to be closer to family and selling it. It’s a bad investment move.
It depends if you feel you definitely respect her.
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so he turned off his snap maps because ?
Absofuckinlutely
Sounds like he needs full custody anyway if mom can’t provide a roof over their head
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What does he get mad about and does he make you feel like it's your fault? These are important context questions since this post is a bit vague, but if he makes you feel like it's your fault that's really bad on his part.
How is ‘following models’ a hobby?
Sorry but there is no “truth” in what he is saying. How is a “you need a bigger butt” a truthful statement? You say yourself your body is great and you continue to work hot to maintain that – that is the truth, not the nonsense he is saying to deliberately undermine your self esteem so you wouldn't leave him. He may say “I love big butts” and that would be a truthful statement and sure, maybe he can say that to you. But any statement that starts with “you” cannot by definition be truth because he is not the ultimate arbiter of what is true for anyone else's life. So he is bullshitting. This is going to become so much worse over time, dump him before he erodes your self esteem or trigger a relapse.
Having a friend that close is a blessing I guess and I could see why he would want to keep things the way it's been. But I'm guessing he'll have a naked time finding a girlfriend who is ok with it.
Your friend was not a virgin lmao you cannot get chlamydia through food.
>the force he uses ends up hurting me >the back of my throat ached for days >he was so unable to stop touching my body >I felt really anxious >made me so uncomfortable
Read back what you're writing OP, this is all pretty sad. He's 30 years old, this is awful, frankly.
I usually do that but like I said this is the fourth time I been hit in my face
Sit her down calmly explain the situation. Do not say a dumb thing like “are you really crying because I don’t buy you gifts”.
Then make it a point to give her affection more. Bring her up on the priority list more as far as thoughts. Write her a sweet little note here and there. Get her a thoughtful little inexpensive gift with a sweet note of thoughts about her.
But don’t go off your plan, and buy her really expensive things all the time. If the gift thing is all she’s concerned about then you might want to reconsider the relationship!
Just take 5 mins to write her a note, or let her know you think about her. That kind of thing is free to do. If your thoughts, and time are not enough then you’ll know that she is just really interested in things, and not you.
This is something you should work out in therapy before you keep negatively affecting your family, and before your son ends up with the same hang ups you have.
Yikes. Dont know if your partner is doing this on purpose but giving general criticism and then not saying what is wanted is a great way to ruin a relationship. Huge red flag. You’ll spin your wheels trying to please them never knowing if you get it right or not. So set a boundary now, that you’re happy to discuss concerns they have but if they can’t tell you what they want, then you’re not going to bother trying to fix it, as you’re not a mind reader. They either say what they want or they should stop complaining.
Also, there is no “stage” in a healthy relationship where you fight all the time. When that happens it means the relationship is UNhealthy. And often that happens when one or both partners is defensive. Where they shift focus from what they did that bothered the other person to something else. They deflect, minimize, exaggerate, play dumb, play victim, counter attack, blame someone else, make excuses, talk about the good things they do, lie, stonewall, ignore, invalidate, or gaslight, rather than listen to the issue and resolve it together. I’d suggest googling defensiveness in relationships and see if that’s part of the problem.
LMAO
That’s kind of presumptuous. He might be ghosting them too. Depression frequently makes me isolate.
Anyone who tells you not to do drugs is a good lad
Block that dude right back, move on with your life. You learned another lesson; you have better intuition, you can be more conservative with your feelings in the future. Plus, early stages in any relationship, keep gifts small by heart felt- bake goods, notebook, that kind of stuff.
There are good people out there but also a LOT of crummy ones. You need to stay safe, look out for the red flags (in all relationships), keep good boundaries.
As for him telling you to grow up? He’s an insecure loser that’s just projecting. Clearly everyone can see that he’s the one that needs to grow up in this scenario. He’s just saying that to make you into a villain in his story. It’s typical loser action, cut this guy loose, block and move on.
I wouldn't say he's overbearing but I definitely have more space requirements than he does – ie he would happily spend every night together but I definitely need to sleep alone at my own place sometimes, especially if I've spent a few nights in a row at his
She does express gratitude. It just can quickly be replaced by impatience. But it also requires consistency on my end.
We’re effective communicators, most of the time. I’m just trying to show her how I desire to be treated, in that, I hope for my partner to elevate me through questions and support rather than instruction.
I don’t like being told what to do, but if I can be guided towards my own answers, it helps a lot more. Being told what to do only makes me more resistant, as I am someone that desires independence… while currently struggling to create that independence.
It sounds like he's not really into you but prefers being with anyone over being alone.
Its so fucking transphobic of you to feel entitled to the knowledge of your sisters girlfriends body and gender expression.
He didn't lie
It is
Spend some time thinking about your priorities. All you can do is either become okay with it and date her, or decide you aren’t okay with it and break up.
You don't like your neighborhood and the only reasons for living in your house together are financial. If you want to make it work with your girlfriend, then rent out your house and find a place in the city together. She likes her neighborhood and would have to commute, and it's pretty clear that the money she would save on rent (I assume the part about “we save a bunch of money if she moves in with me” relates to her not paying rent or paying you very little rent after she moves in) is not worth it to her.
I think we get a lot of messaging that we always need to make the optimal financial decision or else we're doing adulthood wrong. But life is more than just money and the best decision does not have to be the one that makes the most money.
Yikes your comment
Not getting these comments. You seem to be setting up a false choice between helping your sister and living with your girlfriend, and your girlfriend is rightfully not OK with that. Your sister can’t afford her own place, ok…so why not help her find a place with a roommate instead of moving in with her? It’s honestly pretty normal that your girlfriend isn’t OK with suddenly no longer living together after five years.
That is clearly not what’s happening here.
You do realise that you are advocating for her to not take him at his word, and decide that when he says one thing, he actually means whatever she wants him to mean, right? That's the standard you are pushing on her to enter this relationship on. So, how far does this extend? When he says he doesn't want chicken for dinner, will she also be allowed to decide he meant he actually wanted it? When he decides he doesn't want sex, she will know better and should push it, right? Cause what you're saying has long lasting implications for their entire relationship, it doesn't take a genius to understand that.
I agree that not everyone is good at communicating and that massively sucks, but she can't decide that he means something other than what he's said. This is why you're being downvoted so much, I promise you that, it's because you're saying that she should decide to not listen to him and impart what she thinks is better onto his words, and that is a deeply toxic and manipulative behaviour.
If he would say that he meant something different, can he take time to work through what he said, can they try and talk it through again, anything to indicate he meant something else, then that's great, and yes, she should absolutely take the time to understand him. However, he's not saying those things, he's doubling down, hes restating the same thing, and he's calling her manipulative for believing he spoke the truth and deciding to move forward from it.
This isn't a fair standard you're setting. She can't keep trying to “read between the lines” when he keeps saying the same things. That's not right to put that pressure on her, and ask her to decide he means different than he's said, it's just not.
And what if you're wrong? What if he actually does mean that he doesn't intend to ever label things between them? If he does mean that, then you've just advocated for her to not believe him and trust his words. That behaviour would truly be manipulative from OP.
And what is she doesn't want to have to suss out what someone says, and play emotional back and forth word games with, and simply wants a partner she can have good open communication with? You cannot fault her for choosing not to deal with how he communicates, that's not okay.
End of the day, it doesn't matter what he means. She can't decide he means something else, regardless of if he wants her to or not.
Way more ethical to pay for your porn though.
I don’t really know. I feel like this person could never match with me at the same level my partner does but also probably would go crazy with my feelings. I just want the feelings to go away I guess. Would make my life way easier..
Main breadwinner here and female. My partner does sometimes feels like he doesn't do enough but he does. I let him know that. He does extra bousework for me and he is my best friend and companion. The only needing to be equal in everything really diminishes what a partnership is. Things will not always be 50/50.
“First of all… EVERYONE MAKES BEIMG AN ADULT AND GETTING ENGAGED LOOL SO EASY!”
Well…I guess that’s what happens when you don’t put rigid, arbitrary outside-the-norm rules about exactly how a relationship has to go in order for it to progress to a lifelong partnership.
The VAST majority of guys won’t even consider proposing to someone that haven’t lived with for some meaningful period of time (3 months or more). I’m guessing 80-90%.
I am concerned that you are concerned that he hasn’t done enough research on engagement rings. Is this another area where you have some arbitrary expectation of what he needs to do in order to meet your expectation?
The GIGANTIC risk that you’re taking on here is that you will be compatible (from a living situation standpoint) with the person you finally get engaged to. I guess the solution for that is to get engaged and plan for a long engagement, and then move in with each other and hope it doesn’t kill the relationship. But that would seem like a lot of time wasted up front where you could have gotten your answer to on compatibility much faster.
If current BF isn’t your perfect match, and it goes south, now you’re stuck living with someone who you’ve said you want to marry. And the same is true of him…will either of you have the courage to admit the hard truth that you hate cohabitating with each other and break it off? Or will shame/the fear of looking foolish force you to stay the course?
Let’s say one of you IS brave enough to end things if compatibility isn’t there…you’re back at square one…and just starting the dating process again in your late 20s waiting for that rare kind of guy who is somehow crazy enough to propose to a woman he hasn’t yet lived with. Sometimes getting to a fast “no” is preferable to getting to a slow “maybe”.
Can you answer these questions about your BF? At what temp does he like to keep his living space during the day and at night? Does he drink from the jug? Does he put down the toilet seat? Does he snore? Has he ever cleaned his shower/toilet? Does he leave his clothes where he takes them off, or do they go in a hamper? What does his place look like when he’s not expecting company? Does he cook with fresh ingredients, or does he prefer to eat takeout? What are his sleeping habits? Is he an early riser who makes a lot of noise while you prefer to sleep in? Do dishes pile up in the sink while you put them in the dishwasher (or wash by hand) as you finish using them? Toilet paper and paper towels: over or under? Does he need a white noise machine or the TV to fall asleep, or dead silence, or ? Does his definition or “clean” living space meet your definition of a “clean” living space. How will you guys handle arguments/disagreements when you on-line together and can’t avoid an issue by going home? Do you have bad PMS that he’s never seen that he will have to deal with every month?
If you “enjoy” living on your own…that sometimes translates into “I’ve lived with other people and find that I’d rather not have to compromise in how I live in my space when someone else lives in that space with me”.
It’s obviously you’re right to navigate your life in the way you see is best…but my sense is that you’re trying to make you’re relationship fit some sort of “magical” narrative of what true love is. But love doesn’t often follow a rigid set of rules and timelines…and when you try to throw a lot of expectations on top of it, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment, regret, and loneliness if “your way” turns out to not be such a good approach. There’s a reason everyone here is telling you it’s better to live! with someone before taking the step of getting engaged. It’s up to you if you want to take your chances and ignore that advice.
Thank you for your comment I appreciate it and it does help. Just being all I have it’s naked to comprehend but I’m not coping it anymore, I honestly can’t handle it mentally
How long until the new divorcee convinces you to cheat on your wife with her? That is what your wife is thinking. Because you told her that you can condone this person cheating. Big mistake
It's not weird at all.
She was spoiled fucking rotten as a child, raised on nothing but the thought that she was better and more important than her sisters, who were regularly abused by both her and their father. So now her sisters are getting more attention than she is and she can't handle it because she's a spoiled brat.
Homie. You got played naked. Don’t worry about it’s happens to the best of us me included. I was fucking this girl and hanging out all the time while she lived with her “ex” I hinting it was weird and eventually at the end she did the let’s be friends come to find out there was no ex just a boyfriend.
My ex of 7 years has a porn and toy addiction. It was SO toxic. He spent so long using them and watching the worst porn (taste wise) that that was the only way he could keep it up, let alone finish. He was able to twice. One is 6yr and the other is about to be 3yr.
I realized after we split that it had nothing to do with me. I just never stood a chance.
He doesn't know, though, that he's the one that pushed me out of the closet. So the joke's on him
The first good quality he displays that you can think of is “he texts back” !?!?!? Just divorce him
Boundaries were created when you entered a monogamous relationship and reinforced when you married. When she kissed the other girl, she cheated.
I think it would be best to reestablish your monogamy and think long and naked about this. These things don’t tend to end well. You’ll be taking a major risk if you choose to open up. Make sure it’s worth it.
You have clearly never been in a group setting where two men are about to fight. It is very normal for the guts on both sides to watch and then break them apart once their is a clear winner.
You gotta find a guy with a low sex drive.
No fore play. Penetration repeatedly and climax about a minute or two. Just banging away and done. Wham! Bam.
Second Life is an old game that dates back to the 80s, I think. The game has a lot of weird shit in it.
Her hanging out with her friend while his girlfriend is performing sex acts with another guy isn’t cool. If she doesn’t have a problem with it then you need to have a conversation and explain it to her. And if she doesn’t see the problem with it, you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker. If it is, then end the relationship.
you know most people who care for their spouse are usually available a little bit of the time and don't make snide, guilt trippy remarks like “I'm only allowed to say I'm happy”
Are you going to end things with ABC? because you should.
“He let his feelings get in the way of respect for you.” that sentence put my feelings into words, thank you
that’s the thing, i know he’s not lying. it’s honestly very accurate, which is what makes me lose hope. it’s been shown time and time again to be true, and in his case, he might possibly say yes to someone else. just whether i stick around is what he wants to see
You'd be better off not starting with shit
Ahhh, see, that's a tricky factor. Honestly if at the time you had rode the momentum I would be for it. But randomly messaging after a while of no contact [given you weren't really connected per se] does make it drift back into the creepy range.
Still, a polite 'Hey, I am back in town and I dunno, thought I might reach out since we kinda vibed' sort of thing could work.
Imagine being fluent in less than 1 language
hmm , yeah I understand your point its a very fair one never stopped on thinking on it for a moment there.
I have a feeling the wife sensed how OP was feeling during the trip, and she probably also knows that OP is right in feeling frustrated and that she is in the wrong.
I think she brought up the topic after they dropped off the friend on purpose. And she was prepared to react, or overreact, the way that she did, no matter how OP had answered the question.
Notice how he says, I don’t know what it was, my tone, or what but she picked up that I wasn’t happy about Jenna tagging along on the trip.
Yeah, she definitely knew this was coming, and she was ready to go ballistic and quickly make him the bad guy instead before he could even begin to place any blame or responsibility of the action on her.
It’s a very common manipulation tactic – feign ignorance and then be loud and dramatic, point fingers and play the victim, all just to deflect blame.
Of everything that didn’t happen, this didn’t happen the most
What shitty negging bullshit is this? Don't tolerate this. Just end things.
Sorry though.
I would suggest writing a letter saying everything that you want to say to him. Don't send it, just write it. Get it out of your head and on to paper. Then consider if anything can actually be made BETTER by sharing your thoughts, or if it is just a cathartic exercise.
A lot of the time, I find that writing things out clarifies in my own head what the issues actually are, and how I feel about them. After sitting on them for a few days, I also decide that there is nothing to be gained by having the conversation with another person, and that it would only lead to more arguments and disruption. But it clears my head.
You should have told him the first time this issue came up
He has taken ownership of his actions. The times we have sit down and talked about it he admits his wrongs and tells me he understands I’ll never fully be able to trust him and that’s on him. I am in no way excusing his behavior. I’m trying to move on from it and seen improvement but like I said, it’s always in the back of my mind.
Idk what it is like I guess because she just got approved for him too call and now it's weird it's not like an actual relationship but just this makes it weird
If you allow this to hurt you and send u into a depression than she gets what she wants
Man, she’s a human being and allowed to have friends. She’s not your property, and if you’re so insecure about her texting other people (guys in particular) you should look into yourself there.
Ah fair enough buddy
yeah there's one thing about being the only kid and have to take care of her. i assume she's 60+. but if he cant have his own life separate from it, its a bummer
lol I like that “Jesus doesn't spy on people”.
First I want you to know that I am sorry that you lost your job. I don’t understand the lack of support from your wife and I would recommend you start separating your finances if they aren’t separate already. Talk to a financial adviser about the house and how to manage your debt. See if you can work with a head hunter that can find you a job. It seems like your skills are quite specialized and they might know the right people to get you lined up with a job you’re best suited for.
Eventually it’ll happen my guy. Go get some bitches or something
He is and I know he's just looking out for me, I guess I will hold on giving the phone for a few months but, im not sure how long that'll be.
Frankly I never ever thought about not bringing my partner anywhere. If I show up at dad's birthday I say “this is Sara, Sara let me introduce my family.” As I see it they have a duty to welcome who ever I bring home. They will be polite, they will be friendly. They will ask her about silly stuff like “Sara what do you do for work” and if it's a boring story they WILL ACT INTERESTED. No one tells me how to on-line my life and I don't tell them. My father is super religious. He inspired me to learn about Buddhism. He talks about how God expects people to behave. I listen politely and say “Buddhism strives to teach just that, how people can live a better life by simple steps. Yet these steps can be very hot on some. Love man and women for they are made in the image of God. I think about that dad. I don't always agree with others but I know you believe that God made them. All of us sitting together are images of God. That helps me love others even if I don't always agree with their choices “. Then I'd say “Sara can I get you some more tea? Mom can you show Sara your garden? Sara has a small garden at our house “
I hadn’t done it in three weeks and I could see the grime caked on the floor. I am not a neat freak/germaphobe but enough was enough.
I feel like if you want to test the future ask yourself this:
-Would both parties agree if this were in regards to any or all of your future children?-
What if your child is trans? What if your child grows up to be transphobic?
If you’re not on the same page now with NO wiggle room for neutrality (and in these times, there just isn’t a middle ground anymore! We’re in polarizing tines with no room to play both sides) then you know it’s best to part ways.
I'm going to be 100% honest and there's going to be a lot of men in the comments who are mad at me. But he was being 100% a little girl. He was going to cry because you didn't like the dress you bought him? After saying thank you for all the amazing gifts and you like the four other gifts. That is just so immature and so weird to make someone cry.
Keep an air horn by the bed and give a quick blast every time you notice her snooping.
He was stalking you before you started dating.
You are literally living a Law & Order episode. GET OUT.
Definitely would not be the first time that it's happened on this sub. He is so disgusting.
Because people are wildly different in the way they handle naked topics?? That's just fact, people do or say all kinds of stupid shit becauss they cant communicate properly, it doesnt automatically mean theyre cheating
It sounds like your boundary formed from your own history with your parents. It was never her boundary. Now she shouldn’t have pretended to agree or lied to you. But this wasn’t a joint decision. She wants to have friends. And you see this through the lens of your personal experience.
God help you if you ever lose a limb or get some minor scarring from a burn or surgery or something. What’s he gonna do then? Divorce you? Because you are missing a finger or had part of your face mangled?
Move on. You weren’t too harsh but he sounds weird.
I would just consider what you described to be dating/talking
Yes. She's literally half your age,.
This is a distinction that I have only seen people live get upset over.
Phrases like “girls night”, “girl's trip”, “yes girl get it” etc. are not describing children. Language is organic and malleable, not a rigid structure.
Until you’re ready for therapy (and you have to want it in order for it to work) maybe make a vent post? Some vent posts stipulate that they’re venting and don’t want a “fix.” This seems to be where your at right now and just need some girlfriends to hear you out (but not ad nauseam)
These stories are so common as well. I think about this often and may be a reason I remain single. There really is no way I think I could trust my partner 100%.
You clearly never dealt with the fact that your ex cheated on you. If you continue to project those insecurities onto any man you date, you’re going to single and bitter for a long time
I don’t think that’s particularly constructive, I was in a 5 year relationship before I met my current boyfriend but I can see what you’re saying. I do worry I’m stopping him from a fun a carefree lifestyle with my health issues but again they’ve only recently started and I didn’t intentionally do this. I’ll think about your comment though and take it on board
Then that sounds like the best possible outcome. I'm glad you were able to be honest, and you were able to let him be honest with you.
You might want to look into couple's counseling to help you both heal from this. A professional has a lot of training in asking questions and reframing perspectives to help people understand and heal much faster than if they tried to figure it out for themselves.
Good luck!
Your mother is trying to protect her own reputation and her pedophile brother by making you feel like his abuse of you somehow reflects poorly on you, which makes her almost as much of an abusive monster as he is. Tell everyone. Everyone. To warn all the female children in your family and to punish the abuser and his enablers.
Staying silent about being abused benefits absolutely no one except the predator. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the reason he was able to assault you is that your mother helped him cover up some even earlier incident that would have otherwise warned you away from him.
The seven principles for Making a Marriage Work goes into this. I believe Gottman calls it stonewalling. I know you aren't married and it's earlier in the relationship but the book might offer insight
Then it isnt relevant bc these kids arent.