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mongolian_slut, 99 y.o.
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Date: October 16, 2022
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I've been married almost 22 years now. The second thing that attracted me to my wife was her intelligence and talent. In many ways, she'd absolutely be the same person with or without a degree.
Nope, he made all that up, carry on as you are.
Congratulations I'm so proud of you
Yes to grooming (it's not always intentional)
Should I break it off for my safety?
I would. At the bare minimum distance yourself and not meet irl.
Why is he still your bf? Leave the relationship by any means necessary
For starters, don’t fucking have a child with this man because he’s selfish and an asshole
NTA just tell them you are having a smaller party this year too
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You don’t want to do it, so stop doing it. You are allowed to have boundaries and it sounds like this is having a bad effect on your self esteem. Any pushback against you saying no to this from her then just say “this is a boundary for me” and if she continues to push or pressure then she is a bad person who doesn’t deserve you.
We ultimately don’t know how your girlfriend feels about your body but if you have an inkling that she’s not attracted to you and she’s making you do acts that wreck your self esteem and make you feel bad then it’s time to probably think about why you’re with her.
Unfortunately only he knows the answer to that and it’s just not worth your time to scrutinize and stress over things he says. Cut your losses and move on. If he was interested he would show it
She has hardwired in this cycle at this point. You can’t fix that.
What you can do is walk away and get out of the house. Much better than accepting this treatment. You don’t choose to participate in the degrading going on here.
Outside of that keep looking for work, make a budget you follow on excel, and stabilize your life to be able to leave.
Thank you, by the way.
Thank you, by the way.
I’m gonna be a bit more charitable than everyone else.
It doesn’t sound like the money is the problem for you, it’s the disrespect. From your perspective, you did everything right and paid exactly what you owed. Then someone comes at you like you screwed them over and demands something it doesn’t feel like you owe.
From his perspective, he asked for a certain amount and got shorted a thousand. In the heat of the moment, he got pissed because after all he’s given, you don’t even pay the full amount? So he came at you assuming you did this wrong.
I don’t think that sort of approach is right of him. He should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.
But take this into perspective. Sure they’re millionaires, but they probably gave you hundreds of grand in value from the home as well as being rent free.
Just be the bigger man, clear up any misunderstandings and pay the grand because it’s a drop in the bucket for what they’ve done for you. Is this really worth straining such an important relationship
Living with one foot out of the door is the way to destroy a marriage.
Dating, which is the point here, does not require a vow of a life-long commitment, or a vow of any sort. You are free to choose who to date and to break off dates to be able to date someone else.
Maybe you trying to change his behaviour is what is turning him off? Conflict isn't sexy.
I understand where you're coming from but our views are very opposite for this.
I couldn't get over that. It was childish and deceptive.
My (thin) dad (with a high metabolism) did this to my mother for my entire childhood. It beat her down to the point that she had terrible self esteem, was depressed, and attempted suicide once. It also resulted in ME not treating her with respect until I matured a lot in adulthood. Oh, and I wound up with an eating disorder.
Do you want you and your children to suffer the way my mom and I did? Your husband is a horrible human being and a terrible partner. Please get a good lawyer and get out of there while you still can respect yourself.
I do plan on telling him but I think that’s a separate issue from the misogyny. Yes I broke his trust and I feel horrible for that, I won’t try to convince him otherwise. How he chooses to react to that is up to him and I will understand. However, me fucking up doesn’t mean we don’t need to address his misogyny
I do plan on telling him but I think that’s a separate issue from the misogyny. Yes I broke his trust and I feel horrible for that, I won’t try to convince him otherwise. How he chooses to react to that is up to him and I will understand. However, me fucking up doesn’t mean we don’t need to address everything misogyny
BagMan, your GF's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your GF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
BagMan, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
Its ok, time to find yourself a brand new 20yo.
Why not skip the separate bedroom and get a whole separate house. What a P.O.S
Damn. That shit hurts to even read, let alone acknowledge. I see where it makes sense but man, I don’t want that to be it, after all this time…but makes some sense
My cousin is a detective and he isn't an abuser he is actually one of the nicest men ud ever meet. Soo idk what u want me to say to this.
I don't think any woman marries a man signing up for abuse of any kind of to have them cheat on u.
Just because he's an AH doesn't make every cop one and especially doesn't make it right that this man is cheating on his wife.
Hahaha
I don't know how he's going to date someone 6 years younger than him and then be upset when she makes less money than him. Obviously a 26 year old is going to be as far along in their career, if he's this bothersome about it why didn't he date another 30 year old? Almost no 26 year olds are rich and you sound like you're still doing pretty damn well either way. He needs to get off his high horse with his unrealistic standards or he'll have nobody.
You gotta just stop feeding him. Ppl learn from consequences that affect them.
Smoking outdoors can’t be enforced since it’s not against any actual laws
He wants to buy a somewhat large chunk of land because he doesn’t want to be surrounded by people (“I don’t want them to see us or us to see them” was what he said) so I’m not sure there would be many restrictions but thank you for the insight! Definitely something to keep in mind
I told her a relationship is what I was looking for, she knows that, we’re just not at that point yet
You can’t break up with someone and not break their heart. It’s inevitable. Having said that, that should not be the reason you stay with someone. You’re growing in different directions and that’s perfectly normal.
I mean, I'd have reservations over offering to go fix any issues in a sold house,
Right? Like I could understand if they rented the house and he was the landlord. But the house is sold. The mother needs to do like every other new homeowner has done and find a handyman. OP's husband ain't it.
Sounds like she's going on a date.
Trust your gut. If she's not even making an attempt at bringing you along, that's what it is.
I’m going to get a little personal here, but I’ve been in his shoes before. Granted not as bad but still. I struggle with keep up with taking care of my teeth as I fell out of the habit after a serious season of depression. After that I went, and found out what I needed to get done, but couldn’t afford it. Which kind of made me give up on it.
I can’t really explain it, but it’s like the more I was reminded that my teeth were screwed the worse I felt about it and the less I felt like I could do anything about it as what was the point. My girlfriend would complain about my breath all the time.
Idk what clicked with me but one day I went and found myself a dentist office who staff was extremely helpful and didn’t judge me for my teeth. I had to apply for care credit to afford it, but now I’m paying like $30 a month with a cleaner mouth than before. I still struggle a bit with keeping up with the habit, but it’s better than it was before.
My point is, and I’m just speculating here. There might be a case of depression mixed in here and a feeling of helplessness when it comes to his oral hygiene. If you haven’t already maybe bring this up and encourage therapy as that helped me. Plus bringing up something like care credit wouldn’t hurt either cuz it’ll give the option to pay it off. Deal with it now, vs a much more expensive bill than it is now.
What were the circumstances when you met?
It really isn't so black and white.
If this is real, I'd say the solution is to get sole custody of the child – which should be easy if she has an unmedicated personality disorder.
Irrespective of the behaviour of the child's mother, your partner has a child who needs protection and stability – and that child's welfare is the number one priority for everyone here. Your partner needs sole custody to ensure the welfare of the child.
I’m glad it worked out this time, OP. Please come back here for help and support the next time he does something you think is shitty. If this is gonna be a cyclical thing, then maybe this sub can help you break it before it starts. Good luck!?
For the safety of yourself and your child please leave him and if you can’t please don’t ever leave him alone with her ever again even for a few minutes. Rage like that will escalate, it’s a matter of when not if.
If you decide you want to work on the marriage I recommend individual therapy for both of you as well as marriage counseling. While this is happening it’s best for him to live! elsewhere until you can safely come back together or move on to a divorce.
Back in my day I remember when pedophile meant diddling kids. Not all this crap involving what TV shows people watch or being interested in the acting of a woman that is actually 19-20.
People are so gullible.
also what’s led me to think he may have narcissistic traits is the way he talks after i’ve brought this issue up to him. there’s no adult communication. refusing to understand what could’ve hurt me. refusing to take anything i’ve said on board. deflecting. and then turning it around on me and saying things like “maybe we’re not good for each other”, “seems like you appreciate nothing i been doing”, “what did i do” when i’ve explicitly explained, “i do the smallest thing and it’s a big deal”, there was no apology at all.
That’s a keeper
Oh, honey, no. No man who is in love with his wife and excited about his child would blow 2k on a trip with another woman. He's going to cheat if he isn't already. Have you checked their conversations? Have you looked at his phone? I'd make that a priority. Screw boundaries. He obviously doesn't care about yours.
Yeah probably if this is real he should go to a therapist. The nature of the connection should almost automatically exclude her from romantic desire, like a sibling or child or something
I'm sorry, but no. A really sweet man doesn't say the things you've quoted in this post. A really sweet man encourages and supports positive growth in their partner.
Yeah they slept together twice sorry.
You dont hang out with another girl and share a bed for shits and giggles.
Sorry honey.
Text him.
I told you how uncomfortable I was with you and this girl and you still went out with her AGAIN and shared a bed AGAIN. How would it make you feel if I shared a bed with someone twice?? I don't believe nothing happend between you both, no matter how you spin it you have crossed a line with me and I'm going to call it a day and block you. I really hope it was worth it.
Then block him, because he 18 and there no way he shared a bed with her twice and didn't have sex.
Respect yourself and don't let these idiot boys take advantage of you
Yeah I feel the same way about her sexuality now. Its just that I am not ready to let her go, guess I am just being weak.
Thanks a lot for responding, it was HELPFUL.
13ish
10 year relationship (in the title) and baby was born 3 years prior to the relationship OP said
It seems you haven't really grown up at all. You shot yourself in the foot when you crushed her self-esteem. Do you honestly think she wants to get pregnant, gain 40 lbs and then struggle to lose it knowing full well you find her unattractive?
You fucked up with her and there's no coming back from it. Maybe next time you'll learn to keep those intrusive thoughts to yourself.
Then he can find another therapist who is an actual therapist and won't violate the bounds of professional behavior.
I remember your birthday party post. I’m so relieved you took in the feedback.
Your husband, on the other hand….didn’t think it was possible, but he comes off even creepier in your origin story. The fact that he won’t tell you why he was on campus is disturbing. Either he had a previous 18yo gf, or he was scouting for one on move-in day like the fratstars who sit out with beers to survey the new crop of freshmen girls on move-in day. Then he keeps his three children secret from you for an entire year, and surprise! His eldest is 4 years younger than you. He wants her to call you Mom – why? So he doesn’t look as creepy if no one knows your actual age? So he can engage his mommy fetish?
You mentioned starting college late because of family issues. So you were a young, vulnerable person who got swept off her feet by a man who seems like Prince Charming, except you are doing Cinderella chores while working and going to school.
You are so, so young with so much life ahead of you. You don’t need to spend it cleaning up after three kids who are already almost grown and a man who at best may need elder care and at worst will trade you in for a fresh 18yo once you grow up a little and start asserting yourself. He found you on your first day of college, before you had a chance to meet guys your age and spend a substantial amount of time with your peers. Then he trapped you in marriage after surprising you with the existence of his kids. Now he expects you to cook, clean, and provide service with a smile – while you still work and go to college. When do you have time for yourself? When do you have time to spend meeting other people your age? Part of the college experience is getting to know people your age with different backgrounds and interests. You are living the life of a 40yo soccer mom, and it’s chafing because you are 22 and still want to have a big birthday bash and just be 22. You don’t need to spend your youth being his unpaid nanny. At least a nanny gets benefits and vacation time.
One day, when you are 38, you are going to look back at this and shudder at the thought of dating a 20yo. Your early 20s are your time to grow and explore the world – I hope you find a chance to do that, even if you do end up staying with him (but for the love of God, please get out).
Opinions?
So what? If i lose my hair I’m supposed to just spend the rest of my life hating myself?
Listen to your family. They have a good read on him. Probably there were numerous things that he did as a teen that your brother was willing to overlook and the cheating was the final straw. As someone who escaped domestic violence, other people tried to tell me that there was something off with my ex and I didn’t want to listen. This is the early days in the relationship, even the worst abusers are all sweetheart and lovely in the early days. It’s when they think that they have you trapped that they start getting bad. When there’s red flags, listen to those red flags and exit stage left.
He’s wasted enough of your time. Wish him well, Block delete and move on.
Sometime like this won’t work becuse we plan on having kids right after marriage. Also buying something like this won’t increase in value so it’s pointless. Alsoooo, the monthly common expense fees for these types of apartments are crazy high. Sometimes up to $1000+ since the apartment is so old and maintenance is expensive. Also, alsooooo, selling this type of unit will be a headache in a the future. It’s super very hot to resell apartment units.
How would you feel if you walked in to her masturbating to guys with giant d*cks?
Well ask why she won’t let you check her phone. Let her check yours even. Then if it comes down to “lack of trust”, then just say “if there isn’t anything to hide, why hide it?”. Go into maybe a lack of communication. She’ll call you stupid, ty at just means she is getting defensive. If she gets defensive in body language and tone, you can about bank she is cheating. Don’t take that 100% though.
I mean if I were in a relationship I’d let my gf just roam on my phone. That is where we gain trust for each other. But the fact she won’t trust you with her phone says a lot. You should probably dump her just for that, that will be a long term issue in itself.
Graduation day is your day. If you will be less happy with your father there, then he should not be there. Explain to your mom and sibling that him being there will put a cloud over a happy occasion and not to extend him an invitation. Congratulations on your achievement.