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Date: October 20, 2022
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Good on you mate?
this man needs therapy and you deserve a home you’re not afraid to be in. he’s way out of line. i’d stick to this ultimatum tbh because you’re next, once hitting inanimate objects is no longer satisfying his needs.
With all due respect, we don’t have enough information to know the full scope of the situation. I agree that working seven days a week is pretty drastic and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but we don’t know what her plans for the future are or if that has been discussed or how much he makes or anything. I do think that we as readers are not fully informed.
Sounds like you two are incompatible
Sending pictures of your penis to other people isn't a miscommunication.
You're making my point for me. The human brain is affected by trauma. This is especially true for the developing brain of an adolescent. You stayed in a destructive relationship, as people do, and it has left you scared. You've imprinted on that first relationship to the point that your perceptions are flawed. Your ability to make healthy choices can't be trusted. After only a few weeks, you are experiencing full blown chaos with sexual improprieties and hospitalizations. Because of your previous experiences, you can't see that you don't need this in your life. You don't perceive this as an unhealthy overly complicated unnecessary relationship that will only bring turmoil to your life.
As a result of those previous experiences, you are making rationalizations “this isn't as bad as my last BF”, “he hasn't put his penis inside of another person” “he hasn't threatened suicide” and “how was he supposed to know not to send pictures of his dick to other people when we never talked about that?” You've become habituated to accept the unacceptable. You've become habituated to wanting to “heal” a person's problems even when they are too big to address and you don't have any skin in the game.
This is a bad decision that is being made because of previous bad decisions that you have made. You deserve better. You can expect more from partners and relationships. You are destined to endure a confusing disordered romantic life. You can find love in a calm and peaceful relationship with a stable respectful person.
Oh I get this situation all too well. I went to a very “rich” university, and most of my roommates were like this. I only was able to go because my family was wicked poor and my tution was covered via grants. I had to work to pay even the basics. My roommates, however, were completely clueless about money and their own privilege. They invited me to all kinds of stuff – either dismissing the cost as irrelevant or that I could “just work extra.”
You'll have to be super blunt and lay out your income and debts. Lay out that you don't have “extra” money unless you work overtime. Lay out that you do not always want to work overtime. And be very clear that you cannot afford to do this trip without needing to do overtime in the new year, which you do not want to do.
Holidays come with a ton of expenses outside of housing. And if he really truly just doesn't get it, you will likely find yourself needing to pay more and more and more for all that the visit will entail. He'll he oblivious to the financial sinkhole, which will likely cause resentment of some form or another.
Hygiene is all around a big one. The sad reality is that no one is going to be attractive to everyone. There's always going to be someone who thinks that your parent's genes were very unforgiving to you.
BUT being well kept and clean will make a big difference on whether or not people find you approachable. Then you work your inner magic and win then with who you are.
If you go around with poor hygiene, and an air of being unapproachable, people won't want to give you a chance.
Thanks. I said this in my reply but I didn’t have the facts to back it up. There was one father who took out a second mortgage on their house to pay for his daughter’s wedding and she was divorced in a year. OP is in for a bad breakup no matter what he does.
Honestly thats kind of gross given the nature of your friendship. If it were me id block. Hes trying to take advantage m
You need therapy. That is not even remotely normal.
As someone who sees the atrocities that happen from drunk driving on the daily at my job, you should be embarrassed and ashamed to even be somehow acceptable of him to do this considering your loss. Everyone ‘knows their limits’ until they don’t, and innocent people end up dead and you’d be a party to that guilt forever. Do not allow him to keep doing this, do the right thing and call the police the next time he does this if you can’t convince him to get an Uber home like a normal person. You would be protecting his safety, and everyone else on the road.
As long as he doesn’t regularly put you down or give backhanded compliments, I think he’s probably just ignorant about this and lacking tact. My ex used to point out pimples without meaning any harm, but I’ve also dated some people who did mean to make me insecure by pointing out flaws. You have to look at their overall behaviors to see if they’re more clueless or malicious.
Who said he isn’t letting her? She’s perfectly capable of going herself if she wants to. A lot of women travel solo. Even married couples.
No, I had not previously mentioned to not be touching up on other guys in front of me and making comments such as the one she did.
Social media is poisonous. She’s very lucky as a human being and she needs to take a break from looking at what everyone else “has” and start cultivating gratitude for her own life.
Also, I’m guilty of a more minor variation of this. We all are to a degree. This is a goal for all of us.
Sorry mate, it sounds like you have some narcissistic traits. I’ll make an inference and bet she struggles with borderline PD. Perfect match for each other as both PD tend to gravitate towards each other.
Huge red flag. Likely entertaining attention from other men. No other reason to remove you bro.
I'm around the same age and I would doe of embarrassment from dating someone that much older and inconsiderate to me. If he WANTED to be on time he would
Jesus, 22 is not a child just because OP is acting naive. I can guarantee you I didn’t put up with this shit at 22. Plus, we see posts this incredibly naive from people older than OP all the time on this sub.
This information is none of her business. Tell her as much and break up.
Remindme! 2 days updateme!
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Already tried that too. She drinks plenty of water and has it next to the bed with us too
Oof, this is rough. Usually I’m on the pregnant one’s side, but…. You’re right that ultimatums are unhealthy. Was she like this before the pregnancy?
It’s alarming that instead of finding a compromise, she’s making unilateral decisions. I looked up your breed. It seems they may need more exercise/stimulation than you are currently providing. Double what you’re currently doing, from my quick search. So she’s right on that. Could you hire a dog walker midday? Maybe some training courses?
It made me sad to hear she only walked one dog. Honestly, why? Why doesn’t she like your dog? Kind of feel you might be leaving something out. High energy is usually code for a rowdy dog.. and I can see why she doesn’t want that around a newborn. And if he’s constantly whining, that is negatively effecting her work. You check the cameras occasionally. She’s there all day. So I do trust her account of what’s happening at home over yours.
yeah we have an apartment and just don’t have space 🙁 small kitchen
Perfectly said. I bet the dsughter doesnt expect the same from male relatives. This whole thing mske me need a nap.
Yeah for now I am.
Look, this guy is trouble, not more. Block him, move on.
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“I just have a sinking feeling I’m not making the cut”
“I don’t want to discuss this prior to the wedding”
Stop overthinking and playing a victim, you have no idea if you'll be invited or not. Chill
You copied your post twice.
I hate to say this man but no one is loyal in college and there’s reason why high school relationships don’t survive that first year. Because who wants to be tied down when you are exposed to so much and the hooking up is there right now instead of some person states away.
that girl is wishy-washy and doesn’t know what she wants. I know it’s a shock from this betrayal and you want to stay but you’ve been given a way out from all that you seen with your own eyes so take it.
It’s the weekly “Threesome ruined our relationship thread”. This is why monogamous couples do not involve a third party, the fantasy is not the reality. Your feelings are very common and an unintended consequence to what you did involving others. Things may never be the same again. However, you definitely need to be letting her know exactly how you are feeling right now and if you are able to work beyond this, don’t ever do something like this again.
I appreciate the advice I don’t think I’m going to apologize for snooping, she’s done it on my phone before. I just don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I’ve turned a blind eye to their friendship for four years now to keep the peace and because I trusted her, she instead took that as an excuse to show her ass off. I’m going to revisit this in the morning as it is 4am here and she is sleeping next to me. I appreciate your help and will update after the fact.
The problems that led you to breaking up in april are still there and it doesn't looks like they will go away. They are probably getting worse.
I don't think this relationship was meant to be.
That can be stabilising in its own way though.
Knowing that their actions might provoke America is what keeps various lunatics (eg North Korea) from doing stuff.
No, this is not how all guys talk.
Its not love. Youre a controlling man-baby who reported the woman you claim to love.
Story of my life at this point haha. I'm gonna think about it all more calmly from now and not stress myself as much about it. I probably still want to find out if there is anything here but letting it consume my mental health like a disease is not the way to go about it.
This relationship just needs to end. Seek therapy if the reason you're staying in a toxic unhealthy relationship is because you're afraid of being alone.
Yeah, I did ask him about it when I first saw the messages and he was understanding and open. That's another reason I feel I may be overthinking it, because if something was really going on I'm sure he would've been more surprised/defensive about it. There wasn't anything super incrimianting in the messages (such as meeting up outside work, legitimate sexting, etc) and the coworker has been nice/normal to me the few times I met him. I agree on the anxiety bit – that's a personal struggle I've been working through for a while, and I thought I had it under control, but there's maybe a little more work to do before the wedding. For now, I'm just going to continue to go about things as they were. Thanks so much for your response! I appreciate the reality check lol.
Your husband should be apologizing to you for being born a judge mental idiot of the biggest kind.
I don’t entirely know, I think it’s just up to the fact that we both have differing needs when we’re stressed, she needs alone time and I need time with someone who I love and loves me, and she kept saying she was sorry and that she can’t expect me to not have what I need to allow her what she needs, but this week thinking about things I can deal with less of what I need in order for her to get what she needs, because what I really can’t be without is her in my life, and she basically said she’s too stressed and strung out to try and make things work
Well, that doesn't sound like an upright confession of love.
More so of the potential for it.
How would you feel I told you medical school was easy? Does that help you understand your feelings better? You put in an immense amount of work, I would walk the stage.
I don’t know why you’re with her honestly, you sound like you don’t even like her
Yup! 50/50 between the UK and NY, if I'm in the vicinity I'll show up too.
You stayed by his side at his worst, tolerated his abuse, and he says he can't handle a little bit of weight gain?!
You don't need to look 'good' for your husband. You should only look 'good' for yourself.
Get rid of him.
I have no idea to be honest..
exactly! he is a dumbass
100% and he only told me about this the day after we got engaged. The table at the bar we went to on my last night in town was filled with all the people who were going on the trip (including the bride and groom who have met me before). He told me he wanted to announce our engagement and then spent the night talking to his friends and then at the last minute he told whoever was still there. It was so awkward
I even end up getting violent which I am not proud of.
Wow, way to bury the lede. You shout and yell at him, and you get violent?
Please advise on what you would do in my situation
Divorce this man so I don't subject him to any more domestic violence. That's what I would do if I were you.
Why do you think getting violent with your partner is ok?
Now that they are older, they have a fabulous relationship
Of course he does, the very hot part's over lol
You're very admirable to have such a positive outlook and generosity. Your kids and ex are lucky to have someone like you.
Unless you're someone who needs this kind of closure, move on. He doesn't need an explanation, he already told you he didn't want to be serious, and youre a serious kind of person so he has nothing for you.
But it is okay to hurt his wife? He only tells you he is not sleeping with her, but is that truthful? The line sure worked to get you on hook. Wake up to reality. You are the other woman…..not his wife. He is using you for extra sex. He could have more side pieces… some cheating men like variety. Leave with what is left of your self-respect and find someone who is actually available.
That depends on your mindset. If you're adamant that you're not looking to be exclusive, have the conversation with her and see where it goes. Maybe she feels the same way. Either way, you're either going to find out. I think holding it in doesn't accomplish anything but delaying the inevitable.
Thank you, great points
This definitely gives me something to think about. Thank you so much!
Get a smart watch. They just vibrate and will only wake you up.
Following up I checked his phone and he did delete it as soon as I realized and didn’t send it out to anyone. Not sure how to feel. I love him but not sure what to do and whether to forgive him or not. His birthday is this week and I had a really special trip planned, this has soured everything for me.
That makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to explain it. I'm not really scared of him seeking relationships with them though.
You're 19 and still young. You can do better than a drug dealing criminal 6 years older than you
I think he meant more like he committed to being there for his oldest daughter and then found out about the pregnancy…. So I mean seeing as scheduling between his wife and kid has always been a little tricky I could see this being what he meant and he knew he wouldn’t want to bail on Amanda’s
You're both right. The cat shouldn't have to on-line in a cone and your gf shouldn't have to online with cat allergies. It sounds like your cat has some serious and unforeseeable issues that have caused her allergies to become unmanageable.
You have to choose. It sucks, but neither the cat or your gf deserves to online like this. It's Reddit, so they're going to tell you to choose the cat. But you have to make the decision that will cause you the least regret, whatever that decision is.
You need to contact the authorities IMMEDIATELY. If this was all that you were able to easily find, chances are there's much…darker stuff hidden away somewhere. Don't try to find anything else on your own because this can interfere with any investigating they will do.
You can not stay with this man. This isn't some young guy looking at barely legal teenage girls, this is a predator and a pedophile. EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRLS?! We're not even talking about post-pubescent, we're talking about worst case scenario right now.
It's time to get yourself to a therapist to work through this. Because you're already trying to convince yourself to stay with this man. And the fact you're sitting here saying “we plan on having children” as though it's something you still want to do, means you're literally considering having children with a pedophile.
Authorities. Then schedule some emergency appointments with a therapist. Keep your distance from him while this is happening.
Whatever you do, don't be that wife who is so desperate to save her marriage that they let their pedophile husband lie, gaslight and manipulate them into thinking that it was some silly misunderstanding.
She wants us to hold her hand while she texts this guy like we're in fucking middle school again.
Yes, it's the right thing to do.
Stand your ground. It’s time he accepted the way your world now is and if he wants to be part of it, then he has to conform as to how things are in your immediate family. If that means he has to suck it up and see your mom and stepmom at the same place, then that’s the price of being involved in your life.
End it. You know this shit “put the tip in” is bullshit. He would have put his whole penis in you and had not stopped. And “i could just took it”, so you should praise him for not raping you?!. But maybe next time he will. Like he planned to do when he just wanted to put the tip in.
Run. He is danger.
You got ghosted homie, just let her go. Been there.
To put it in perspective, I'm turning 27, on track for a PhD and I had to come back due to rent until I am working. Depending on the City and her career choice, moving out at 19 is either stupid, impossible or stupid and impossible
There's a lot to unpack here. Leaving a comment to see what others say.
Honestly my dude it sounds like you've dodged a bullet. She is girlfriend not wife. Why the hell is she feeling so entitled to YOUR money?! She's saying WE are rich. No! You have a retirement savings. She sounds like a big moocher and maybe kind of a loser with her actions and mentality.
I'm disgusted with her from what I read. Now you know you can NEVER have a joint account with her. And if you end up married. Have a prenup. She doesn't care about your future plans. She wants a sugar daddy. Gross. You deserve someone who at least respects your money and plans. She is not that.
Divorces do not come out of the blue. Either you are completely oblivious and a bad partner, there is someone else, or she is having a mental health crisis. Either way, it really sounds like you are not communicating.
Well he had the opportunity to show you, but decided to go into the bathroom and delete it, so you have every right not to believe him.
If it was innocent he could of just shown you the screen shot
I had an ex who loved receiving but never gave and it got OLD. We never would’ve worked out, and that was honestly part of why.
If the major appeal you have to him is that you're somehow “pure” and he's getting off on the idea of basically popping your cherry….well why are you both even together?
I'm sure we'd all agree that a relationship bound together by little more than his fantasy here isn't a good one and unless he's otherwise a sterling guy who otherwise loves and respects you this isn't a relationship – it's a kink.
If it's going to ruin the relationship to spoil his fantasy, you shouldn't be together to start with.
Run.
You say your girlfriend's family speaks a different language – am I right to assume you and her come from different cultures as well and perhaps even grew up with different family values because of that?
I would personally feel the exact same way you do if I were in your position, but if you have cultural differences, I think you both need to do a better job at trying to bridge whatever gaps you encounter and this might be one of them. The best way to do that, in my experience, is to openly acknowledge that there is a gap and assume an open mind.
Your girlfriend shoulnd't immediately jump to the conclusion that you're being non-committal, but you also shouldn't assume she doesn't care about your feelings. You're most likely just having a misunderstanding of some sort that you're currently both stuck in.
That would be very disrespectful of her and her current relationship.
Move on.
I'll be honest if it's a small family wedding and you've only been together 1 year, I'd be hesitant to invite you. She made that decision herself whilst trying to spare your feelings by hiding around a text message.
You shouldn't have snooped. I'd respect her decision.
My friend, plz just drop this douche… you were lied about, your sisters photos used to brag to friends???!!! And he doesn’t appreciate you. It’s been only six months, half a year… don’t drop any more time on this man child, you deserve much better. You’ll find an even better person who actually appreciates you and your titties equally.
Because it DOESN'T MATTER. The relationship is over. She could be the biggest cheater to walk the Earth but you're not with her anymore. And if you keep harassing her, you will end up in trouble with the law. Cheating isn't illegal, stalking is.
….why the hell are you dating this guy?
You dont really need advice here, right? Any person that petty at 45 years old over something that happened 15 years ago doesn't deserve a shred of decency.
True that
Yea part ways
That’s crossing a huge line IMO. It’s one thing to jerk off to porn, but he’s clearly fantasizing about this particular person, which is emotional cheating. What was your husband’s excuse for it being her?
It’s his job to check his pockets.
I doubt she has permission to share the recording from him, seems like a reasonable thing to report to the police for the revenge porn aspect
She's seeing other people.
Take that queue to stop investing time into her and go date others yourself. Whether she lies or not should not be your problem anymore. Let it be someone elses problem. Shes not worth anything.
Amen!
Youthful naïveté is probably a huge part of it. You will never bridge that disconnect and things like that are some problems with age gap relationships with people who are not even far into secondary education.
Most guys learn eventually that if you are playing video games when your partner wants quality time it almost always reads as choosing to not be with them.
As for catching up on rest and going over necessary paperwork – those truly are essential things you need to do for yourself
Maybe you need him to talk that out with you. Those fears, efforts and effects for the positive on his life.
Remind him the need to stay positive.
Attitude helps with motivation.
Ask him why he’s motivated. What’s his goal. Help remind him to keep focusing on it. Motivation.
I have 14w of paternity leave in the US.
that’s really good advice on the boundary, i appreciate you saying that. how do i deal with the anxiety and the overthinking that’s causing so much stress on my mental health though?
If your wife wants help, then maybe you should separate while going to marriage counseling. If counseling isn’t helping, then divorce.
They've been succesfully together for 8 years, it's clear they both have compatible values regarding intimacy or they wouldn't be together, what OP's wife did years ago doesn't change who she is now.
Its not the length of time that counts the most but the quality of the relationship. Don't just marry someone because of the duration of time you've been with them, focus on the relationship you have (and where that is at). Some people are ready to marry after 2 years, some people take 20.
You're blaming him for keeping you waiting for 8 years when in reality the time has been much shorter than that because in the early days of the relationship you wouldn't have been together long enough to properly consider marriage (and it sounds like it was only relatively recently since you overcome your depression and stabilized).
You mentioned early on the weight issues. Why not just lose weight? And tell him that now you're evidencing weight loss through healthy and sustainable lifestyle changes, he has no reasons not to marry you any longer. If he keeps on holding back after that, then give him an ultimatum.
Update: i may have fucked up. She was definitely a freak. I stayed up for a long time w her. Just got back home. … ??? she said she had an iud so i gave in ti my inner dog. Ik it was stupid of me. Otherwise it was just a good night of debauchery.
I mean even though she is a good friend, your clearly state that this is like torture to you, you even quit your job over her. You can't really move on with your life if you don't cut contact.
I think telling her the truth about this is probably best. I mean sure it will be complicated for her to deal with, but at least she'll know what's going on with you. And you'll get this burden off your chest. The alternative of ghosting her of being mean is not cool either, so just go with the truth.
Leave. As much as that loss messed you up, it really broke something inside of him as well. You need to heal, and as long as you stay there , you won't heal properly.
If he was willing to get therapy, I would say , give it another chance but with caution .
Since he's not willing to get therapy, it'll only get worse. Way worse. For both of you. For your safety I seriously suggest leaving.
Also, please inform his family or friends. Someone he is close with. I actually worry he will be a danger to himself or others.
I think you should tell him exactly what you want to. He deserves to hear it. If you want to be mean go for it. He deserves to hear what a pedo he is.
Trust your gut op
Did you report the assault to the police?
It might be worth it to get a new phone number. Keep the old phone but don't answer anymore, you might need the messages and call log to get a restraining order
She definitely knows what she said. She's just trying to backpedal.
omg he's a full on psycho, fucking RUN girl.
Everyone is important to me, I handle like 90% of the housework, have kids, pets, I pay most of the bills. I make sure everyone gets what they need. I know I'm not perfect.
First, why do you handle 90% of everything? You're a team, you both work, hence, chores and parenting should be handled much more equally.
I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to give me affection, just lay down for a few minutes and make me feel cared about before I fall asleep at night.
Different people have different preferences. I sleep early, my husband comes to bed very late, but usually we have some cuddles at least 3 times before I fall asleep. It works for us.
Don't go back. Don't make my same mistake. My ex was the same way with mental issues. Guess what? They eventually stop taking their meds cause they don't need it or doesn't make them feel like them and then they get bad again. It's a cycle. And it gets worse because they feel more comfy about being unhinged and they know you're not going anywhere. Eventually he will blame it on you that he went to jail and grow to resent you more because he can do no wrong and you make him that way.
Run. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. I get it, you miss and love him and he's telling you everything you want to hear but this isn't something that goes away within a few months and he's healed. It's a lifetime thing and unless you are all game for the abuse cycle I would run. It's hell and it's more painful the longer you're together because he knows more of your weaknesses and will use them against you when you're fighting.
Again run. Actually listen to advice on her and stop fighting everyone on it and defending your abuser. He may seem sincere but give it time, he will go back to normal.
Being addicted to your phone is such a turn-off for me. My bf is and it drives me absolutely insane
He’s from Vietnam, arranged marriages aren’t that common but it is very common for your parents to set up dates. Which apparently he had fallen victim to already but somehow made his brother go for him? Although he was sure to tell me multiple times the girl was exactly his type. At this point I’ve realized me feeling any type angst over this just wastes my time. Realistically he won’t care over any emotion I have over the situation. It doesn’t effect him, it doesn’t matter. He’s just cut his losses
He actually knows that i tell them everything, of course i don't give details and stuff but i still tell them. He also has friends that he tells everything to, we're both not bothered or embarassed about it.
I don't know if i let my friends get in my head but i'm kinda worried because i've never had a bf before and i don't really know how to handle this situation.
My dad had to have this talk with his mother, she is lonely and would call him every single day to talk for an hour at least. If he missed her phone calls she would be belligerent. He is like me and very infrequently feels like talking on the phone, but doesn’t mind every now and again (him and I talk for an hour or more once a week or fortnight and it’s great)
He had to set boundaries, and yes she may not understand where you are coming from and will likely argue and maybe cry and try to guilt trip you but it has to be done.
You are an adult with your own life, and she should not be getting in the way of you living that life by taking away your quality time with your partner.
I
Well, it sounds like they were pretty unpleasant. What would you expect?
He wanted to see how you reacted.
Or he wanted to see if the child would accept OP as a nanny.
She definitely deserves someone who actually listens to her.
Either she talks with you or you split. Make that clear.
Just glue a bunch of dick pics in your journal.
I guess I will make this point clear since people keep pointing it out. In our relationship sex is never the end all be all. If he told me tomorrow I could never have sex with him I would continue to love him and uphold our relationship. I would be deeply disappointed however I desire love over sex. And yes I will uphold his boundaries and I only ever talked to him about it when I knew he was comfortable. I would never push his boundaries without clear consent from him
Jesus Christ you’re a piece of work. Have you not take a single second to read all your abuse from ANY other pov than you making sacrifices for other people?!?
Thank you very much. I will go through this in a while after I get off work
Make sure you are on birth control. There is no scenario where being pregnant is going to help.