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teddyc, 25 y.o.
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Date: October 27, 2022
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To be very very honest I think is also his feelings trying to communicate with you. Prohibiting him from doing something he doesn’t see a problem is not gonna prevent him on doing. Is also his boundary telling you “it’s family I don’t see a problem”. Telling him how you feel other than prohibiting him on doing something is more effective and healthier for your relationship. Also bc that cousin could be just lying about what he did, there’s not way to prove that story and your bf certainly doesn’t see it as a problem if you just put a boundary that he must obligatory understand. That is not how it works. My bf doesn’t like my best friend because she got involved with a married guy 8 years ago. I’m 30 yo btw. I know is a different situation but if he set a boundary like that to me I wouldn’t accept it. His mom cheated on his dad too and he gets is personally. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings whatsoever. Just telling you another perspective. Change your strategy. Tell you how you feel and don’t just prohibit him on being away from a cousin he probably likes regardless of what he has done.
Well, first, as long as you didn’t post photos of someone else, you’re not catfishing. What they see is what they get. Secondly, it could have been because he was tired. Although, tbh, it sounds more like he just wanted to hook up and not actually get to know you, but I’m only basing this off the post. It wouldn’t hurt to text him and see if he wants to talk or to see if you can hang out again. If he ignores you or doesn’t respond, then he must not be interested.
Something that may help you to understand why he is so hurt is that those of us on the spectrum tend to be very direct and sincere in communicating desires. When he said he wanted to try speaking your language with your family, he was offering to put himself in the vulnerable position of possibly making a mistake (as it sounds like he was still learning), but trusted you enough to try anyway. That gets compounded by the social dynamics that are shared amongst you, as the people we (as human beings) love weild greater power to cause emotional distress due to the fact that we (humans in general) tend to care what they think significantly more. Give him time to process his emotions. Delayed emotional processing is common with ASD, so it's likely he didn't even realize how upset he was until the catalyst of your surprise at his level of proficiency in speaking your language stirred up the emotions he hadn't realized he felt. Be kind. Be patient. Respect his boundaries going forward if you want to avoid doing more damage.
Thank you for suggesting. I want to work on myself, and want to read your story. I tried looking through your posts, but didn’t find it – can you please share it, maybe in PM? Thank you
There is no advice to give because his wife isn’t the one asking for it. Like you said in a comment, you should be having absolutely 0 involvement in this. The fact that you’re pretending to be some impartial supportive “friend” in all this is ridiculous when you’re literally fucking this girl.
Please, for your children and for yourself move on and allow really respectful love into your life. You don't need to rush, keep being strong and get you and those innocent children to a new life. There is help available.
Please just ghost him. You have barely any attachments to this person. If it is this bad now, imagine what it would be like in a couple years. If he is threatening to put hands on you, he WILL do it. You deserve better.
I totally agree! But my friend and her bf decided to wait until after the baby is born because it’s only a couple hundred.
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“He kept asking for what I'm doing just for him.” what does that even mean… he think's you owe him something because you had an abortion 7 yrs ago….. that doesn't even make sense!
Lol, dude, I’m not assigning you a seat in hell or anything, I’m just saying I’d be annoyed if my husband asked for sex every night at a time I’d told him many times over I did not want to have sex.
It could easily backfire if he doesn't reply on Monday.
Absolutely agree.. I wish one of my exes playthings would have warned me..
Sounds like you wanna cheat with permission, let the poor guy find someone loyal.
OP, do you have any evidence apart from your lying boyfriend’s word that he was actually blackmailed?
Rather than… outed.
I should have been more specific – never in my experience have I dealt with that and I know for a fact his family does not have issues with that as my boyfriend was heavily medicated as a child for ADHD and anxiety.
And honestly that’s kind of sad that you would discourage someone from dating someone due to anxiety/depression. Many people struggle with that and does not make them any less of a person or less lovable. I would be happy my child was seeing someone who prioritizes mental health and treats it rather than letting it go untamed but ??♀️
I think my main insecurity now is the fact that I have to see her all the time (sometimes multiple times a week) and I’m reminded of the fact that my bf still wanted to be with her while we were seeing each other. Maybe it’s just something I have to get over idk
That's almost exactly how my relationship with my ex was. I'm so incredibly happy I left. Eight years later and he's STILL dwelling on all that shit even though we have no relationship at all anymore. He's not going to change.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. This is so disheartening, and I don’t understand why it would make things more complicated if he’s living with your friend, especially when your relationship would be private. I’m wondering if there’s more to things- like maybe he has feelings for your friend too? I’m not sure what else there could be that would logically make sense.
My best advice for you would be to work on letting this one go. You will find someone who cares about you and will reciprocate your feelings, I promise. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we wish they would, and that really sucks sometimes. I feel so bad that this happened because these kinds of feelings can be overwhelming, but you will find someone. He may not be your friend’s roommate, but the person you’re meant to be with is out there.
I’m an exmormon making a marriage to an active believing Mormon work. If he’s trying to leave, he needs support – and a lot of it – to get out. Only you can decide if you’re that support person.
It's unsurprising to me that your BF didn't rein you in during his party, because he's shown himself to be a completely passive doormat in regards to the roommate situation.
He can't/won't give you the support & trust you need to receive from your partner. This is a dealbreaker level incompatibility. If you can't support yourself on your own without him, then you need to explore completing your schooling part-time while working full-time. Your current living situation is untenable.
No this lmao
I mean you could give it a shot but just know to take 'No' for an answer. If you try to make a bit of small talk, be perceptive enough to know if she isn't interested in small talk or a conversation.
If you get those vibes, leave her alone. Don't be that asshole/creep. Just know when to pull the parachute.
Omg, I’m so sorry! What an ugly soul that bitch had.
Sudden reason? It’s an issue that OP has bc he did not think his wife would NOT accept his request.
Personally though if he isn’t answering your calls I would text or email him about it. Keep it short, keep emotions out of it if you can, and give him space to process things. He may choose to be an active parent, which would be ideal, but he may choose not to believe it’s his and cut contact. Either way, you can do this.
He said that he invited himself since it was really his home.
I honestly don’t see how this is a betrayal. And if this is your reaction due to insecurity that used to be even worse then I imagine that’s why he didn’t mention it before.
Unless they are photos of people he knows, I don’t see the issue. And he is smart to store them in an app like that so they don’t accidentally pop up.
why would it not be my business if its public information that anyone could access.
I don’t know if you want something serious but he isn’t it. You said he’s your best friend maybe just keep it this way . Why struggle with someone like this. I think you should move on and leave him so he’ll get intimate with whoever he fancies.
You shouldn't have given up everything for her, that was a mistake. Do what makes you happy, not what makes others happy. If you can't be happy with her, then end things and be happy by yourself.
Don’t date someone who is a mother. And your fiancé sucks as a mom is she willing to do this.
What do your kids want? Have they expressed the wish to meet their bio dad?
Yes, you should absolutely break up with her, and then never date a cheater.
Thanks for writing the dumbest comment of the day
First, you only have Mary's view of what her therapist thinks and no context, unless you have more that you didn't post. There might be a valid reason.
Safety. The big deal is that full adults are mentally mature and able to manipulate the thoughts of younger folks and manipulate them into stuff, especially sex. I don't get that vibe here and it appears she went into this eyes open and is having fun.
Generally, it does seem unusual for a guy this age to stay interested once the conquest is done but if he's genuinely into her then really that's up to them. I suspect she will eventually mature in her own mind and likely change her view on the relationship but you will have to watch and see and hope they don't get full on serious and have kids too soon.
As a good friend keep an eye on her and try to make sure that James isn't exhibiting predatory behaviour but leave them alone otherwise.
A final note of hope maybe, a girl I treat as a niece, daughter of a family friend, is with a guy with this age difference but was older when they met. She is now as happy and mentally stable as at any other time in her adult life.
Today I brought it up again and he started screaming at me over text, calling me a dumbass and saying I have no brain because “you have to pay for those things” trying to tell me that you can’t even see them hot unless you pay lol. He’s not frugal with money and I’m not dumb. But it’s so insulting how he thinks I am. He said i’m stupid for believing these things happen in strip bc i’ve never been to one.
Hey there, it's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your SO concerning these inconsistencies. Try broaching the topic in a calm, collected manner, emphasizing that dependable support matters to you. Remember, blames won't get you far; instead, opt for constructive and focused discussions with an emphasis on finding solutions together. If things don't improve after that, take a moment for self-reflection – your happiness matters too. Good luck!
You could as well straight out say:
“Babe… I do hate your paintings!”
They are the way they are because this expresses who she is.
but I genuinely love him
You do not know that you genuinely love him. You barely know him.
Here's what you know about him. If you don't know this, then I hope this enlightens you:
He is love bombing you He is already – after ONE week of dating – telling you what you will do (3 kids minimum) He is planning the wedding He is 50,000 red flags wrapped in 50,000 more
Please do some research on abusive relationships. How they start, how the abusive partner rushes and pressures the victim-partner into fast tracking the relationship, marriage and kids so you are then trapped. I wouldn't be surprised if his plan is that you don't work, you have no access to transportation, money, communication, etc. You need to get out now. And you need to be very careful that he doesn't start to stalk you. This guy is a boundary stomper who wants to take over your life.
Youre the landlord. Tell him to give you her number or you will evict him.