You cannot fix your sister. Your husband comes first here if you value your marriage. Support her by getting her the help and resources she needs, but don’t take her into your home if you care about your husband.
I dont completely agree with your parents but i would say something more of not an expensive piece of jewlery but maybe you could give her both what you have and get a piece of jewlery with like her favorite type of rock, like amethyst, jade, blue goldstone, topaz etc. If she doesn't know her favorite stone go off her favorite color. Your parents are wrong and i think the gift you're giving her is a really good gift. But if you wanted to make sure and cover all bases you can get necklaces that are $50 or under.
Women like being listened to. So yes when they say they like specific jewlery, get them that jewlery but its so sweet that you're just getting her favorite show for her for Christmas. So if you end up getting jewlery make sure it has something she said she liked. Like her favorite color, her favorite stone, etc because you could also severely fuck up by getting her jewlery if its not her style. Hell i know women who have ended a relationship bc their bf gave them diamonds even though theyve said before how much they full on hate diamonds.
Yeah out of pettiness in an argument I told him I knew he’s the jealous type so I don’t tell him about men that hit on me etc aha, it made him quite insecure for a bit ?♀️??
Have you considered creating a new email address and just using that for communicating with him at first?
You don't have to figure out how to start the conversation, that burden is on him as he's the one who wants to talk to you.
You could just give your grandmother the email address to pass on.
If your dad just sends “hello”, you can reply “hi, you wanted to talk about something?” and just keep rebounding it until he says something substantial.
I'd maybe think about writing a list of what you would want to get out of restarting communication with him though. Not to send to him necessarily, just for yourself so you have it straight in your head and aren't always thinking emotionally in the moment.
Either he doesn’t actually love you or he lied to hurt you as much as he could. Regardless, he’s treating you absolutely terribly. Don’t do this to yourself.
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If you’re worried about getting pregnant id strongly recommend the morning after pill (assuming you’re still within 72 hours of having unprotected sex).
So this is financial abuse. No idea why you're defending him. You sound like this: “This sandwich is not all bad! Aside from the big, stinky shit in the middle, the rest is great!”
I mean, nobody forced you to watch the videos even if he sent them to you. Why didn't you stop watching the second you realized what they were?
She did nothing wrong having sex with her at the time partner, she did nothing wrong if she enjoyed it, or filmed it, or whatever.
Honestly it sucks but time to put on your big boy pants and get over it. Your girlfriend has had sex before she met you. Big whoop. If that basic information bothers you then you might need to self examine your own maturity to be in a healthy relationship.
I really wish I had more insight into what’s going on. I think it sounds like it’s over. You owe it to your wife to disclose that you’re no longer romantically attracted to her. Of course it will scar her deeply, but she deserves to make decisions for herself based on current state.
You aren’t. Trust your gut instinct. You have it for a reason.
And if you’re a chronic overthinker like me? It’s better to be cautious and safe. 3months in the grand scheme of things is nothing. If you didn’t get that immediate oh my goodness finally meeting you and feeling a spark. Then why prolong it?
What she does isn’t important. Either you trust you boyfriend not to flirt back or hook up with her, or you don’t.
Why would it matter what her “motives” are? Socializing with coworkers in a group setting is not inappropriate, and (again) if you trust your boyfriend, why is it a problem for him to be in a social setting with colleagues just because one of them has an unreciprocated crush on him?
The fact that it makes you “uncomfortable” doesn’t automatically mean something must be “done” here. Instead of trying to micromanage his interactions with colleagues, you could reflect on why you’re so uncomfortable with the idea that someone he works with is crushing on him. Perhaps you don’t trust him completely? Perhaps you have some doubts or insecurities that are coming out?
He is acting like a giggling schoolgirl with a crush. And from your post history, he sounds like an excessively horny and weird bastard who gets obsessed over every girl that shows him 1 ounce of attention. This would be more normal behavior for a 13 year old boy going through the midsts of puberty…. but a 34 year old man? He's never going to change at this point. He is going to turn into one of those old creeps chasing 20 year old tail in a few years time. Dump the guy and let him obsess over 100+ other women. Unfortunately he doesn't view you as special if he gets so attached to other women, but there's another guy out there who will view you as special and treat you well.
You chose a difficult relationship. The whole point of abstaining is resisting temptation. You are failing that test, a pretty clear sign you probably shouldn't be getting married or maintaining this faith in general, I suppose.
It shouldn't be hard to process. If you can't resist cheating then this isn't a relationship that works. And not having sex till marriage is part of it.
Whilst she is still in contact with this guy, your marriage can't move forward and heal. It's really as simple as that.
He continuing contact with the guy, regardless of the reason and regardless of how she sees the situation, will always be the issue that comes between you.
Your wife has a choice, her marriage or her continued friendship and contact with this guy.
There are some hard choices coming for both of you so if you wish to express this in any meaningful way to her then tell her this.
“Your continued contact and friendship with this guy is hurting me, hurting our marriage and things will never get better whilst he is in our lives. If you do not wish to cut contact with him then tell me and I will leave your life with as little fuss as possible. If you think that I am asking you to choose between him and our marriage then yes I am You have to choose and I hope you choose me. If you wish to choose him then I understand – I will be hurt, and sad but I will understand.
Please understand {wife} that it is your choice to make and I can't make it for you. All I can do is make my choice for my happiness and for our daughters well being. Your choice will direct my choice so please understand that your continuing friendship with him is beyond my boundaries and I can't, in fact I refuse. to stand by whilst he is a part of our our lives.
I do not care about him. I do not care what his future holds and I do not care whether you cutting contact with him hurts him or makes him cause harm to himself. I only care about you and our family.
So if you are going to find it nude to make this decision or wish to fight for you to remain in contact with him then please know that you are making the decision for us anyway. If that is what you wish for then I'll make arrangements to move out and we can file jointly for divorce. I hope we can be amicable about it but please understand that we will be getting divorced because of your actions in wanting to keep this guy in our life. And for no other reason.”
If she fights you on this OP, just give up and work on making the best life for you and your daughter.
You feel gaslighted because you have been gaslighted. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that he needs to worth through, and not a healthy person to be around. You are better off moving on. You feel hurt and attacked and rightly so, but you have the capacity to understand , rationalise and feel these feelings, you have the capacity to validate your feelings, and you can move forward knowing better next time. This person sounds like they need and want a lot that they aren’t able to find within themselves right now, and i think better to call this a shitty and painful learning experience that to chase it.
I hope this personas able to reflect and apologise for how they treated you one day, but I doubt that will happen.
Move on and move forward OP. It’s not worth the energy.
But the people you are talking about didn’t colonize anyone. Someone being white doesn’t automatically make them a colonizer – plenty of white counties were also colonized btw (See: the entire Soviet bloc). It’s a generalization with a negative connotation based on nothing but appearance & racially motivated stereotypes.
Imagine thinking putting a dick in your mouth or in your butt meant virginity but in your vagina, it's totally morally corrupt and you're going to hell… After such brain gymnastics, no wonder she's not exactly balanced.
OP, cut your losses and move on, only she can decide not to be blinded by ridiculous religious nonsense.
I hate the choice of words you used in the title..But anyway..
She treats your relationship like you're together for a long time because that's what relationships are meant to be, you don't go into a relationship just for the fun of it and lead her on. If you truly don't think you will last then why start a relationship in the first place? If her interest towards you “turns you off” then leave, just being straight up right now. If you only like her and she loves you and you hate that then you need to leave, you can talk to her about it of course but she will always have those feelings for you and they aren't gonna go away after a conversation and a person shouldn't have to hide their feelings from their significant other.
I know but he’s gone. Someone going through a divorce told me you have to separate the man you fell in love with from the man you’re divorcing. He is not one in the same.
It looks like he’s “negging” you – he’s trying to make you feel bad so you’ll be into him. I think this relationship has run its course. He’ll need to be completely blocked and ghosted.
Have you asked your girlfriend what outcome she is actually hoping for here? I would sit her down and ask her outright.
If it’s stuff like not doing the FaceTime around the whole house, not having pictures everywhere and setting boundaries then that sounds healthy and not unreasonable.
If she starts saying things like she wants you to stop speaking to your ex completely or not letting her see your son, then that’s not ok and I can’t see your relationship continuing
How is it ok for him to go to a bachelor's weekend and spend money?? Double standard! If you each contribute to the household bills and have separate accounts, why should he have a say in what you do with your money?
Thanks. I think I just needed to put it out into the universe, and have someone just tell me to go for it. I laid it on a little heavier, and we met for drinks earlier. I also just dropped her off from a date that went really well!
For most people, three calls a day is excessive. Calling once a day, after work, to chat and catch up is normal if you're not seeing each other that day.
But I really think the bigger problem here is that you're three months into a relationship and having regular disagreements. That's not normal this early on.
Just beg for another chance and this time see him as a partner not a sex toy.
You cannot fix your sister. Your husband comes first here if you value your marriage. Support her by getting her the help and resources she needs, but don’t take her into your home if you care about your husband.
He could be more sensitive but it is about the same thing. Make him feel good and have fun.
I dont completely agree with your parents but i would say something more of not an expensive piece of jewlery but maybe you could give her both what you have and get a piece of jewlery with like her favorite type of rock, like amethyst, jade, blue goldstone, topaz etc. If she doesn't know her favorite stone go off her favorite color. Your parents are wrong and i think the gift you're giving her is a really good gift. But if you wanted to make sure and cover all bases you can get necklaces that are $50 or under.
Women like being listened to. So yes when they say they like specific jewlery, get them that jewlery but its so sweet that you're just getting her favorite show for her for Christmas. So if you end up getting jewlery make sure it has something she said she liked. Like her favorite color, her favorite stone, etc because you could also severely fuck up by getting her jewlery if its not her style. Hell i know women who have ended a relationship bc their bf gave them diamonds even though theyve said before how much they full on hate diamonds.
Yeah out of pettiness in an argument I told him I knew he’s the jealous type so I don’t tell him about men that hit on me etc aha, it made him quite insecure for a bit ?♀️??
No kidding. Also maybe they weren't official yet and just fucking? Could have just been bluntly honest.
I think you’ve already made up your mind. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Having one attorney for opposing parties in a contract settlement is a conflict of interest. In my state that’s illegal and would get you disbarred
Have you considered creating a new email address and just using that for communicating with him at first?
You don't have to figure out how to start the conversation, that burden is on him as he's the one who wants to talk to you.
You could just give your grandmother the email address to pass on.
If your dad just sends “hello”, you can reply “hi, you wanted to talk about something?” and just keep rebounding it until he says something substantial.
I'd maybe think about writing a list of what you would want to get out of restarting communication with him though. Not to send to him necessarily, just for yourself so you have it straight in your head and aren't always thinking emotionally in the moment.
This. Hell, even sitting with your own thoughts in meditation can have huge benefits.
Marriage therapy if you can afford it. If she wants to stay with you, she's going to have to learn coping mechanisms for unwanted thoughts.
You are so off base with this advice.
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Lawyer lawyer lawyer! And get checked for STIs
Either he doesn’t actually love you or he lied to hurt you as much as he could. Regardless, he’s treating you absolutely terribly. Don’t do this to yourself.
They’re around my age (22) and I wouldn’t date them! Men (and women for that matter, including myself) at my age are dumb as hell!
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If you’re worried about getting pregnant id strongly recommend the morning after pill (assuming you’re still within 72 hours of having unprotected sex).
So this is financial abuse. No idea why you're defending him. You sound like this: “This sandwich is not all bad! Aside from the big, stinky shit in the middle, the rest is great!”
Forgive what?
I mean, nobody forced you to watch the videos even if he sent them to you. Why didn't you stop watching the second you realized what they were?
She did nothing wrong having sex with her at the time partner, she did nothing wrong if she enjoyed it, or filmed it, or whatever.
Honestly it sucks but time to put on your big boy pants and get over it. Your girlfriend has had sex before she met you. Big whoop. If that basic information bothers you then you might need to self examine your own maturity to be in a healthy relationship.
I really wish I had more insight into what’s going on. I think it sounds like it’s over. You owe it to your wife to disclose that you’re no longer romantically attracted to her. Of course it will scar her deeply, but she deserves to make decisions for herself based on current state.
What the fuck dude. I hope she doesn't come back.
You aren’t. Trust your gut instinct. You have it for a reason.
And if you’re a chronic overthinker like me? It’s better to be cautious and safe. 3months in the grand scheme of things is nothing. If you didn’t get that immediate oh my goodness finally meeting you and feeling a spark. Then why prolong it?
What she does isn’t important. Either you trust you boyfriend not to flirt back or hook up with her, or you don’t.
Why would it matter what her “motives” are? Socializing with coworkers in a group setting is not inappropriate, and (again) if you trust your boyfriend, why is it a problem for him to be in a social setting with colleagues just because one of them has an unreciprocated crush on him?
The fact that it makes you “uncomfortable” doesn’t automatically mean something must be “done” here. Instead of trying to micromanage his interactions with colleagues, you could reflect on why you’re so uncomfortable with the idea that someone he works with is crushing on him. Perhaps you don’t trust him completely? Perhaps you have some doubts or insecurities that are coming out?
It absolutely does in big cities.
He is acting like a giggling schoolgirl with a crush. And from your post history, he sounds like an excessively horny and weird bastard who gets obsessed over every girl that shows him 1 ounce of attention. This would be more normal behavior for a 13 year old boy going through the midsts of puberty…. but a 34 year old man? He's never going to change at this point. He is going to turn into one of those old creeps chasing 20 year old tail in a few years time. Dump the guy and let him obsess over 100+ other women. Unfortunately he doesn't view you as special if he gets so attached to other women, but there's another guy out there who will view you as special and treat you well.
You chose a difficult relationship. The whole point of abstaining is resisting temptation. You are failing that test, a pretty clear sign you probably shouldn't be getting married or maintaining this faith in general, I suppose.
It shouldn't be hard to process. If you can't resist cheating then this isn't a relationship that works. And not having sex till marriage is part of it.
I'll put it to you straight.
Whilst she is still in contact with this guy, your marriage can't move forward and heal. It's really as simple as that.
He continuing contact with the guy, regardless of the reason and regardless of how she sees the situation, will always be the issue that comes between you.
Your wife has a choice, her marriage or her continued friendship and contact with this guy.
There are some hard choices coming for both of you so if you wish to express this in any meaningful way to her then tell her this.
“Your continued contact and friendship with this guy is hurting me, hurting our marriage and things will never get better whilst he is in our lives. If you do not wish to cut contact with him then tell me and I will leave your life with as little fuss as possible. If you think that I am asking you to choose between him and our marriage then yes I am You have to choose and I hope you choose me. If you wish to choose him then I understand – I will be hurt, and sad but I will understand.
Please understand {wife} that it is your choice to make and I can't make it for you. All I can do is make my choice for my happiness and for our daughters well being. Your choice will direct my choice so please understand that your continuing friendship with him is beyond my boundaries and I can't, in fact I refuse. to stand by whilst he is a part of our our lives.
I do not care about him. I do not care what his future holds and I do not care whether you cutting contact with him hurts him or makes him cause harm to himself. I only care about you and our family.
So if you are going to find it nude to make this decision or wish to fight for you to remain in contact with him then please know that you are making the decision for us anyway. If that is what you wish for then I'll make arrangements to move out and we can file jointly for divorce. I hope we can be amicable about it but please understand that we will be getting divorced because of your actions in wanting to keep this guy in our life. And for no other reason.”
If she fights you on this OP, just give up and work on making the best life for you and your daughter.
How is this just now a conversation 10 years in, when you’re 35. Did he always agree to having children and is now changing his tune?
You feel gaslighted because you have been gaslighted. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that he needs to worth through, and not a healthy person to be around. You are better off moving on. You feel hurt and attacked and rightly so, but you have the capacity to understand , rationalise and feel these feelings, you have the capacity to validate your feelings, and you can move forward knowing better next time. This person sounds like they need and want a lot that they aren’t able to find within themselves right now, and i think better to call this a shitty and painful learning experience that to chase it.
I hope this personas able to reflect and apologise for how they treated you one day, but I doubt that will happen.
Move on and move forward OP. It’s not worth the energy.
But the people you are talking about didn’t colonize anyone. Someone being white doesn’t automatically make them a colonizer – plenty of white counties were also colonized btw (See: the entire Soviet bloc). It’s a generalization with a negative connotation based on nothing but appearance & racially motivated stereotypes.
That is SO GROSS. How can you date him????
Imagine thinking putting a dick in your mouth or in your butt meant virginity but in your vagina, it's totally morally corrupt and you're going to hell… After such brain gymnastics, no wonder she's not exactly balanced.
OP, cut your losses and move on, only she can decide not to be blinded by ridiculous religious nonsense.
He should see a doctor and get blood work done. Could be a very simple fix.
I hate the choice of words you used in the title..But anyway..
She treats your relationship like you're together for a long time because that's what relationships are meant to be, you don't go into a relationship just for the fun of it and lead her on. If you truly don't think you will last then why start a relationship in the first place? If her interest towards you “turns you off” then leave, just being straight up right now. If you only like her and she loves you and you hate that then you need to leave, you can talk to her about it of course but she will always have those feelings for you and they aren't gonna go away after a conversation and a person shouldn't have to hide their feelings from their significant other.
I know but he’s gone. Someone going through a divorce told me you have to separate the man you fell in love with from the man you’re divorcing. He is not one in the same.
Have you been in a situation like this, ever? Your suggestion ends with someone getting shot.
Yeah don’t even go to the bathroom with her, she’ll start beef with the toilet paper.
How come it's on the same day?
Go where? It’s not a clear enough photo to be sure it’s her, but it’s clear enough to narrow it down to an event/location she was at with friends?
It looks like he’s “negging” you – he’s trying to make you feel bad so you’ll be into him. I think this relationship has run its course. He’ll need to be completely blocked and ghosted.
Have you asked your girlfriend what outcome she is actually hoping for here? I would sit her down and ask her outright.
If it’s stuff like not doing the FaceTime around the whole house, not having pictures everywhere and setting boundaries then that sounds healthy and not unreasonable.
If she starts saying things like she wants you to stop speaking to your ex completely or not letting her see your son, then that’s not ok and I can’t see your relationship continuing
How is it ok for him to go to a bachelor's weekend and spend money?? Double standard! If you each contribute to the household bills and have separate accounts, why should he have a say in what you do with your money?
You will not be worried about any of this stuff in a few years.
You are young. You have much to learn. Many oceans to swim in.
Relax. Enjoy it while you can.
These are the days you will long to return to.
Thanks. I think I just needed to put it out into the universe, and have someone just tell me to go for it. I laid it on a little heavier, and we met for drinks earlier. I also just dropped her off from a date that went really well!
Dude, kick her out,
That’s disgusting. Oh my goodness. Vile evil POS
For most people, three calls a day is excessive. Calling once a day, after work, to chat and catch up is normal if you're not seeing each other that day.
But I really think the bigger problem here is that you're three months into a relationship and having regular disagreements. That's not normal this early on.
'their kid', that's indicative of how you think.
You've isolated hil from his friends.
Why do you want to go and watch 'their kid' play football?
His first wife never managed to keep him just because she had 'their kid'.
He's not your property and he's not your prisoner.
Agreed. This is why we should make abortion illegal. If women don’t want to have a baby, they just shouldn’t have sex!