your unexcited ass opened a can of worms. you can't just cause turmoil in someone else's life and wanna stop because you've inserted yourself in someone else's business enough. if you truly cared about this girl and told her the truth for whatever heroic reasons then you should give her a peace of mind. be completely honest, not only as far as it scratches your back. also…blergh for interfering in someone elses life. what he does is not cool but it's got nothing to do with you. if you dont agree with it then withdraw yourself, not the opposite. ion gaf what you guys might think or say, other people's business is THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!! unless someone is dying or unless they directly include you in their affairs then stfu. or atleast if you're gonna “save the day” then be decent about it, not selfish.
You really have no idea about abuse do you, please for the love of god stfu, some of us have lost loved ones because they were trapped in abusive marriages and your idiotic comments are not only disgusting but very triggering, go and educate yourself before involving yourself in discussions such as this!
It is very difficult to trust someone that earns from managing the feelings of partners. She will tell you all what you want to hear in order to keep you all for what she wants.
People that live in that transactional space are going to carry some of that with them. What happens when you are not living up to the long term ideal in her mind?
If he has money and is giving it, then he is getting something. Otherwise, he could find another taker that would be more willing. You think he is likely to pay for being rebuffed?
That depends on what kind of person she is. There are books with many genres fitting many tastes. The are tv series and movies the same way. There are physical activities like gym or swimming. There semi-physical activities like bowling, bilard and othets. There are board games.
I assume biggest issue is she doesn't have person to do these with(those that require other people)Now doing activities with your partner is a good idea in general, but she needs to find other interested people too. Between reddit, discord and other forums and portals you can find friends to do them. First however you need to establish which of those she enjoys enough to make it her hobby. Btw you need to keep in mind most random people she will find looking for hobby friends will be male. It doesn't mean anything bad would happen, because of that, but you need to keep in mind as to not get insecure unless there really would be reason too.
No, you don't. You're a grown adult who can control her “urges.” Focus on your marriage and leave this man alone. And if his “hints” back in high school were actually hints, they were massively creepy considering you were a teenager and he was probably the same age you are now.
I didn't assume anything. I never said ANYTHING about how OP's girlfriend feels about their children.
I said that OP's girlfriend was putting the kids at risk by allowing OP's mother access to them. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior that is relevant. OP's mother has not addressed her issues, as evidenced by the fact that she does not respect his wishes to distanced himself and his children's from her.
The situation OP's girlfriend created where OP was forced to interact with his abusive mother is also unhealthy for the children. Those are not assumptions. Those are statements based on science and research- child psychology, developmental psychology, clinical psychology.
But don't misrepresent what I said to “prove” your nonexistent point. What you did, it's a logical fallacy.
Update : So we were driving and talking, I told him what I planned to say. He smiled but his answer was very evasive. Then we stopped, he was supposed to just let me there and leave but he got out of the car and offered me a cigarette to keep talking. Nobody knows what’s going to be his next company because he prefers to keep it for himself, but he told me as a secret so that was pretty cute.
Fate move: today and tomorrow we’re going to have this drive again because an unplanned even forces us to. Too bad ??♀️
Oh I know how it would feel to have to cut my SO out of my life, we’ve been together 10 years but we both know that if one of us were to cheat then there’s no excuse, the longer/deeper a connection/relationship the greater the betrayal.
Your husband leaves dog pee and poo laying around? So he’s neglecting the dog and leaving the poor thing to shit itself regularly? Man, dogs will take a bullet for you, what a way to treat a noble creature. I would get banned if I said what I thought of your husband.
Intensive counseling and actual change, or divorce.
OP, do not do this. You are right that you would be the one in trouble. I don't know where you are, but if you're in a US state that does not have recreational weed, you car can be confiscated if you are pulled over for a traffic violation and any illegal substance is found.
Your boyfriend is putting you in a very bad situation. You need to evaluate whether you want to be with someone who would do that to you.
If your ego is so fragile that you can't hear about another man's huge hog then maybe you shouldn't be dating anyone. I think you had a gross overreaction that signaled heavy self esteem issues and also put her on the defensive as she has to keep certain things quiet to avoid upsetting your confidence.
Usually? You should be able to do that. However, aside from your history, you have:
I had maintained a friendship with an ex whom I had cheated with years earlier. The relationship was inappropriate but I was able to recognize that and ended the friendship. That situation destroyed any trust that she had for me, partially due to her knowledge of my past (she told me this herself).
I think you should break up. Reason is she can't and won't trust you. You have earned it, but it does not change the fact that the relationship will not function properly, because of that. Having considered having a relationship in which you haven't acted inappropriately with other women, like at all?
You mentioned in one comment if you should try therapy first for the sake of the kids. From my experience(my parents divorced), kids don’t need married parents and it is even counterproductive for them if their parents are unhappy. If your child would be in the same situation as you are, would you want them to stay in an unhealthy relationship or divorce and find happiness on your own? Just be an example for them. I don’t believe you would be an good example by staying in this relationship but it is your choice.
Also your current husband can still be their dad even if you’re divorced. If he was a good dad before, he still will be. If he was a bad dad before, that will also stay.
Ask her flat out why she reacted so dramatically to hearing that her ex was getting married. Tell her how it made you feel. Discuss and communicate. Then tell her you’re going to take some time to process it all…and you do just that.
there's a big issue of the ex getting to that big adulthood step of “getting married” before she did. She might legit hate his guts but because he's getting married first she's somehow loosing. this might just be a big existential hit more than anything else.
Question is — do you like this 35M guy? Do you relate to him? Have they been friends? If they have things in common that you don’t share, don’t participate. Go do your thing and then do something with your GF that you both enjoy.
Ok. Should I talk to the guy or is there something I can do so that it doesn’t reach the point of ruining the relationship that I have? The more time that passes the more I think about what it would be like to have an affair with him
OP is in a great position. She said she can take care of the child with him easily and would get nearly a years maternity leave aswell as he does earn a good salary she just earns more because she's been in her career longer. So finances are definitely not the issue here.
A man that doesn't want to marry her after 3 years and doesn't want to hve a child with her… wont be absent for a time after she decides to have the baby.. hes gonna avoid responsibility because he doesn't want it!
So responsible enough to say he doesn't want the kid…
But not responsible enough to accept tht if he really wasn't ready to be a dad to not wear a condom when sleeping with her or making sure they use better protection.
Her BF is full of shit, he just doesn’t want to marry her. Logic goes out the window when people are in love. There are plenty of people both male & female who don’t believe in or have any plans of getting married. These people typically are loud and proud of their beliefs and will make it known within a few dates their thoughts about marriage/kids/traditions, whatever the deal breakers are. Him dating her for 5 years and not having this conversation at all says a lot. I know tons of people who think marriage is ‘a waste of time, a scam, a piece of paper, lifelong prison sentence, not necessary’….the list goes on but I’ve never had to date anyone for 5+ years to hear their thoughts on the subject.
Why does it always seem when someone swears on their child’s life, a cringeworthy thing to say even if they are telling the truth, that they are, in fact, lying?
This reminds me of snapewives thing. It was a few married women who suddenly believed themselves to be in a sexual and romantic relationship with Snape from Harry Potter universe.
I think they got over it after a while, but they all had some severe issues going on.
In your place, I'd recommend pushing your wife into therapy, possibly psychiatrist because these are clearly delusions
If she has said that she thinks of you as a brother, I think she is not interested. Also, I feel she thinks of you as a brother as you are older than her and she wants to date guys of her age. I have called men brothers when I thought they were interested in me. So yeah I am saying this from an experience.
I have been married 20 years, I do not share my friends' personal business with my husband. He does not share his friends' personal business with me. I would be completely upset if I thought my friends were sharing my private information with their SOs, that's awful. I talk to my husband about serious topics that directly impact him.
Ugh get some WD40 onto that door!! If it doesn’t work get a new door or just get a new woman you shouldn’t walk on egg shells due to needing to wee
That's easy. Demand to see it. If she wont or only gives it to you after she had had time to delete texts you know she is cheating.
your unexcited ass opened a can of worms. you can't just cause turmoil in someone else's life and wanna stop because you've inserted yourself in someone else's business enough. if you truly cared about this girl and told her the truth for whatever heroic reasons then you should give her a peace of mind. be completely honest, not only as far as it scratches your back. also…blergh for interfering in someone elses life. what he does is not cool but it's got nothing to do with you. if you dont agree with it then withdraw yourself, not the opposite. ion gaf what you guys might think or say, other people's business is THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!! unless someone is dying or unless they directly include you in their affairs then stfu. or atleast if you're gonna “save the day” then be decent about it, not selfish.
thank you lovely strangers for comforting my soft heart
You really have no idea about abuse do you, please for the love of god stfu, some of us have lost loved ones because they were trapped in abusive marriages and your idiotic comments are not only disgusting but very triggering, go and educate yourself before involving yourself in discussions such as this!
It is very difficult to trust someone that earns from managing the feelings of partners. She will tell you all what you want to hear in order to keep you all for what she wants.
People that live in that transactional space are going to carry some of that with them. What happens when you are not living up to the long term ideal in her mind?
If he has money and is giving it, then he is getting something. Otherwise, he could find another taker that would be more willing. You think he is likely to pay for being rebuffed?
Trust your gut.
That depends on what kind of person she is. There are books with many genres fitting many tastes. The are tv series and movies the same way. There are physical activities like gym or swimming. There semi-physical activities like bowling, bilard and othets. There are board games.
I assume biggest issue is she doesn't have person to do these with(those that require other people)Now doing activities with your partner is a good idea in general, but she needs to find other interested people too. Between reddit, discord and other forums and portals you can find friends to do them. First however you need to establish which of those she enjoys enough to make it her hobby. Btw you need to keep in mind most random people she will find looking for hobby friends will be male. It doesn't mean anything bad would happen, because of that, but you need to keep in mind as to not get insecure unless there really would be reason too.
Wait… You blame the poor dude that's being used for the situation? Wtf?
I need to fuck this man.
No, you don't. You're a grown adult who can control her “urges.” Focus on your marriage and leave this man alone. And if his “hints” back in high school were actually hints, they were massively creepy considering you were a teenager and he was probably the same age you are now.
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I didn't assume anything. I never said ANYTHING about how OP's girlfriend feels about their children.
I said that OP's girlfriend was putting the kids at risk by allowing OP's mother access to them. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior that is relevant. OP's mother has not addressed her issues, as evidenced by the fact that she does not respect his wishes to distanced himself and his children's from her.
The situation OP's girlfriend created where OP was forced to interact with his abusive mother is also unhealthy for the children. Those are not assumptions. Those are statements based on science and research- child psychology, developmental psychology, clinical psychology.
But don't misrepresent what I said to “prove” your nonexistent point. What you did, it's a logical fallacy.
Make a plan to leave. If you need support we will be here, on the internet.
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The right way to do it is to create a brand new Reddit account that begins with ThrowRA.
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Lol yes good grief. This is a full blown affair and OP is trying to be the cool and calm wife. I think it’s time to call this one.
Well stones like to give but never receive so a stone/pillow princess dynamic can be very fulfilling for both partners
Update : So we were driving and talking, I told him what I planned to say. He smiled but his answer was very evasive. Then we stopped, he was supposed to just let me there and leave but he got out of the car and offered me a cigarette to keep talking. Nobody knows what’s going to be his next company because he prefers to keep it for himself, but he told me as a secret so that was pretty cute.
Fate move: today and tomorrow we’re going to have this drive again because an unplanned even forces us to. Too bad ??♀️
The man is 30 and you are I. Your 20s kid move
Yeah absolutely right, god I’m glad I posted here I was starting to feel like i was being psycho for feeling the way I do !!
Oh I know how it would feel to have to cut my SO out of my life, we’ve been together 10 years but we both know that if one of us were to cheat then there’s no excuse, the longer/deeper a connection/relationship the greater the betrayal.
Your husband leaves dog pee and poo laying around? So he’s neglecting the dog and leaving the poor thing to shit itself regularly? Man, dogs will take a bullet for you, what a way to treat a noble creature. I would get banned if I said what I thought of your husband.
Intensive counseling and actual change, or divorce.
And give your dog extra tlc.
Cool more kidneys for the black market!
OP, do not do this. You are right that you would be the one in trouble. I don't know where you are, but if you're in a US state that does not have recreational weed, you car can be confiscated if you are pulled over for a traffic violation and any illegal substance is found.
Your boyfriend is putting you in a very bad situation. You need to evaluate whether you want to be with someone who would do that to you.
He should stop driving AT ALL
If your ego is so fragile that you can't hear about another man's huge hog then maybe you shouldn't be dating anyone. I think you had a gross overreaction that signaled heavy self esteem issues and also put her on the defensive as she has to keep certain things quiet to avoid upsetting your confidence.
probably give them a call instead of a text. when it is about work and it is time sensitive, it is best to just call instead of waiting for a reply.
You do because all the toxic shit clings to you long after you've smoked.
She's just not inhaling second hand smoke so you think it's okay.
Your 18 and in college, there are tons of guys out there. Time to give the relationship a break and see what’s out there. You can always come back.
Usually? You should be able to do that. However, aside from your history, you have:
I had maintained a friendship with an ex whom I had cheated with years earlier. The relationship was inappropriate but I was able to recognize that and ended the friendship. That situation destroyed any trust that she had for me, partially due to her knowledge of my past (she told me this herself).
I think you should break up. Reason is she can't and won't trust you. You have earned it, but it does not change the fact that the relationship will not function properly, because of that. Having considered having a relationship in which you haven't acted inappropriately with other women, like at all?
You mentioned in one comment if you should try therapy first for the sake of the kids. From my experience(my parents divorced), kids don’t need married parents and it is even counterproductive for them if their parents are unhappy. If your child would be in the same situation as you are, would you want them to stay in an unhealthy relationship or divorce and find happiness on your own? Just be an example for them. I don’t believe you would be an good example by staying in this relationship but it is your choice.
Also your current husband can still be their dad even if you’re divorced. If he was a good dad before, he still will be. If he was a bad dad before, that will also stay.
Why Why the Why the fuck do you Why the fuck do you write your comment like this?
?!!!
Ask her flat out why she reacted so dramatically to hearing that her ex was getting married. Tell her how it made you feel. Discuss and communicate. Then tell her you’re going to take some time to process it all…and you do just that.
there's a big issue of the ex getting to that big adulthood step of “getting married” before she did. She might legit hate his guts but because he's getting married first she's somehow loosing. this might just be a big existential hit more than anything else.
Question is — do you like this 35M guy? Do you relate to him? Have they been friends? If they have things in common that you don’t share, don’t participate. Go do your thing and then do something with your GF that you both enjoy.
Yes, definitely something to keep in mind and bring up with him, thank you
But it sounds like this phobia of travelling is the latest development in severe anxiety. It's not her only issue.
No.
Ok. Should I talk to the guy or is there something I can do so that it doesn’t reach the point of ruining the relationship that I have? The more time that passes the more I think about what it would be like to have an affair with him
OP is in a great position. She said she can take care of the child with him easily and would get nearly a years maternity leave aswell as he does earn a good salary she just earns more because she's been in her career longer. So finances are definitely not the issue here.
A man that doesn't want to marry her after 3 years and doesn't want to hve a child with her… wont be absent for a time after she decides to have the baby.. hes gonna avoid responsibility because he doesn't want it!
So responsible enough to say he doesn't want the kid…
But not responsible enough to accept tht if he really wasn't ready to be a dad to not wear a condom when sleeping with her or making sure they use better protection.
Okay got it! ?
You asked for the upsides. They were given to you. Some people want to marry a person they love. It's not meant to “impress” you.
Her BF is full of shit, he just doesn’t want to marry her. Logic goes out the window when people are in love. There are plenty of people both male & female who don’t believe in or have any plans of getting married. These people typically are loud and proud of their beliefs and will make it known within a few dates their thoughts about marriage/kids/traditions, whatever the deal breakers are. Him dating her for 5 years and not having this conversation at all says a lot. I know tons of people who think marriage is ‘a waste of time, a scam, a piece of paper, lifelong prison sentence, not necessary’….the list goes on but I’ve never had to date anyone for 5+ years to hear their thoughts on the subject.
Why does it always seem when someone swears on their child’s life, a cringeworthy thing to say even if they are telling the truth, that they are, in fact, lying?
I like you lmao
This reminds me of snapewives thing. It was a few married women who suddenly believed themselves to be in a sexual and romantic relationship with Snape from Harry Potter universe.
I think they got over it after a while, but they all had some severe issues going on.
In your place, I'd recommend pushing your wife into therapy, possibly psychiatrist because these are clearly delusions
If she has said that she thinks of you as a brother, I think she is not interested. Also, I feel she thinks of you as a brother as you are older than her and she wants to date guys of her age. I have called men brothers when I thought they were interested in me. So yeah I am saying this from an experience.
I have been married 20 years, I do not share my friends' personal business with my husband. He does not share his friends' personal business with me. I would be completely upset if I thought my friends were sharing my private information with their SOs, that's awful. I talk to my husband about serious topics that directly impact him.