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Date: October 27, 2022
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Thanks for this comment – I appreciate the interest.
We started couples therapy. After 2 sessions together the therapist asked for a separate session with each of us. I didn't know what to expect in our one-on-one session, but she was very straightforward and direct. She said that my husband is acting like an egocentric teenager. She said that honestly, there's nothing I need to do to improve myself in the marriage – that I'm a great wife and mother. She also said that I'm not crazy, jealous, or insecure. After years of feeling like I'm not good enough, it was like someone threw a bucket of ice water over me.
She requested another session with both of us, which was yesterday morning. She told us that she doesn't think she can help us in terms of couples therapy. She suggested that my husband goes to a therapist by himself to help him figure out what he wants, and she'd like to continue therapy sessions just with me – she feels that I haven't fulfilled my potential in life and she wants to help me.
At one point in our session yesterday, he said that he never had a chance to be alone or find out who he is, and that with every attempt he makes, I block him. She said that it's completely fair that when all these attempts involve sexual/intimate relationships with other women, I have an issue with it. He continued arguing and she said: “Look, let's drop the BS. You're behaving like an arrogant, egocentric child. Figure out what you want and stop putting your wife through hell.”
I will say this – my husband is extremely passive. I think that deep down, he's hoping that I'll be the one to initiate the separation/divorce so he can blame it on me. Not gonna happen. If he wants it, he's gonna have to man up and initiate it himself.
Hey girl. I am 25 years old, and when I was 19, I spent too much of my time trying to keep the peace with a man who lacks the emotional intelligence to properly communicate with his words, and therefore would lash out with hurtful things and violence. I married him when I was 20 despite this, and divorced him by 22. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD due to the severity of his treatment.
Please take this to heart when I say: Nothing that you do will ever be enough to please a man like this. He will always find a way to place blame on you for “making” him feel like an asshole (spoiler: he feels like one because he is one). He is exhibiting aggressive behavior, and he is very rapidly approaching the line of emotional and physical abuse. Please, for the love of all things, save yourself.
There is a quote from the show You that has stuck with me ever since I saw the scene. “If there is ever, even for a fleeting moment, a tiny voice in your head – and that tiny voice is telling you, “I deserve better” – listen to her. That's your partner. That's your real, true love. And if you betray her long enough, you will lose her.”
I have had “friends” like him and let me tell you, he is not your friend. Some people are riddled with bad experiences, and can’t feel comfortable unless someone else feels worse than them. You can’t change who he is, so just be honest to your other friends about his behavior and see where that leads you. Best of luck!