Some Asian cultures have ways of interfacing with children that are decidedly “not okay” by Western standards. In a certain first world Asian country it is not uncommon to have people pull little boy's pants down in order to remark on how “cute” their penises are/observe the rate of growth in the member. I'm talking babies, toddlers, and sometimes even kindergarten or older male children will get this done to them in the midst of large family gatherings.
I wouldn't be surprised if this was a cultural difference, but that doesn't make it acceptable, only explainable. If she is unwilling to change this behavior, I definitely wouldn't have children with her.
My relationship never went to that extent but I definitely empathize with you. It’s comfortability, not wanting to have a drastic change in life, being contempt, being absolutely blindsided by love, developing a trauma bond, developing unhealthy coping and communication mechanisms.
It’s extremely nude to let go of a relationship. Nevertheless one that is not healthy. I highly highly reccomend you do some deeper soul searching to ensure you can still have a happy life. It will be one of the hardest things to do, but really have an objective perspective on things. Imagine this was your best friend instead of yourself, what would you tell them to do?
Only you can decide if this can be something continued (given that it takes two to tango) or just let go.
Exactly. She isn't being controlling or trying to guilt trip (as some people have said) by saying what she expects in their relationship and the reasons behind it. If he didn't want to compromise, he should've said it. But he was okay with it, then disrespected her
I feel what works for me in situations like this is reminding myself that to remove a memory attached to a place, show or any other object – you have to rewrite or re format that memory. And watching it with you would mean that he would remember your reactions not hers, associate it with you lot her and that’s a great thing!
I dont think theres anything you can do physically in bed to get him to be more vocal if he already isnt. maybe just talk to him about how hearing him be more vocal turns you on
This is such a messy situation I can’t even read this. If you want to live! your life like that, meeting people and immediately moving in with them and having children with them, expect many arguments and financial challenges.
You have already given your wife too many chances. She keeps physically abusing you and without her admitting she has a problem and starting therapy, there is zero chance she will change. It isn't good for you or your daughters to be around her because she will start hitting them.
Don't drop the restraining order. Get away from her, file for divorce and full custody.
I hope you learned a lesson or two about relationships and being the asshole vs being the nice guy.
1. Always get a paternity test before signing anything. Communicate this expectation beforehand, and she might out herself before you even take the test. BE THE ASSHOLE. 2. If she wanted to, she would. That goes double if she's not communicating about a problem. Set a standard and an expectation, and hold her y to it. 3. It's good to first look internally to see where you contribute to problems in for relationship, but shouldering all of the blame for an extended period while demanding nothing from your partner is a great way to look like a fool. 4. Don't come to reddit for advice as a guy. These people aren't concerned about you.
Just after I made this post and she rang me and said “I’m just calling you cause I’m walking down to my cousins and u told me to call anytime” I said did she want to meet up later and or if she needs a lift home to give me a text, she said she will let me know but she doesn’t know if she wants too.. it’s really annoying at this stage, like I am always there for her, I am the person that she goes to when she is alone and depressed it seems but when she has family and friends around then she doesn’t care. She’s carrying my baby and it’s why I want to look out for her.
I’m not really sure on what to do, her decision and mind is changing 24/7 and all I’m doing is trying to be there for her
I would take this opportunity to ask her if you can join her since you have though of doing something like this as well…. maybe when you come back from the trip you will have a more clear head about if you want to date her seriously if not at least you have the experience… i agree with the other coments it can be a recipe for disaster and you probably will be resentful but idk
So in my eyes the mature way to handle this would be to 1) get your girlfriends side of the story 2) let her know you trust you her and have her handle it herself. I’m not talking prolonged contacted just simply her addressing the issue with him directly and then making it clear it’s in the past regardless. 3) then and only then if he persists do you say something to him.
This is all assuming that you and your girlfriend have a trusting and healthy relationship, which I hope is the case!
I think I’ve grown and changed a lot since those 2 weeks. The love that I have for her now is a lottt more than ever before and I want to show her that
Been there done that. Yea it’s probably awkward. What helped for me is.. don’t make a big deal of it. Download a dating app and chat with someone for a bit. I’m not talking go on a date or anything but talking to someone can help boost your confidence a big and people pick up on that. Then just go to work as usual. Be friendly around the work place. If people ask your plans then try to have something interesting going on. Basically OP just live! your life. Eventually things will go back to normal or they won’t. In my experience it’s about the time that I do start pursuing someone else that the original person decides to show interest ?♂️
That is purely up to you, cuz unless it's sex oriented, there isn't anything wrong with keeping memory pictures. Technically nothing wrong with sex oriented either, I just think it's common courtesy to delete those after a breakup.
You don’t need any reason to breakup with someone but you actually have several good reasons. I’m a divorced mom , 36. You already know continuing is a mistake so muster that courage and spring free. Worry about your own feelings and concerns before his. The age gap is concerning here too (sorry). Good luck you got this
I mean you can love yourself and still be in the wrong. It seems as though you were coming here to validate the idea that your going to break up with a chick because she flashed no one. Maybe begin by asking yourself why you started dating, it seems to me that your perspective is the issue and not her. Everything should be your issue first so you can solve it. If your issue is her showing her boobs to no one, i think you need to rethink your priorities. No one is saying stay with this person for your benefit or for “brownie points” but rather your excuse for braking up is rather vapid.
That’s been running through my mind. But why would you admit to cheating and beg for forgiveness? Why would you allow me to go through that pain and yourself to have that negative image? I thought that maybe he was hoping that the cheating would originally be an end all despite him begging for forgiveness. It’s all so confusing. Thank you though for messaging me. I’ve been feeling very alone because I can’t talk to anyone else about this without their judgment on him by people we know.
For your own mental health and wellbeing do NOT contact him. You have caring and supportive people in your life and that’s what you need right now. Even if your sure and prepared abortion isn’t easy mentally or physically. You don’t need anyone toxic around you. You have to take care of yourself. You owe him nothing. Focus on you.
And why should the OP torch her life for the sake of some random woman's peace of mind? You do realise he and his cop buddies can and most likely will make the OP's life living hell?
Listen, feelings about an ex can be complicated when you hear that they are getting married. It doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him. It doesn’t even mean that she regrets their breakup. But it can be confronting to see someone ruse occupying the space that you had once upon a time pictured as yours.
Give her some time and space to process. Then ask her again why she reacted so strongly. Share that it made you wonder if she was really over him. Go into the discussion with an open mind and try not to let your hurt feelings/insecurities drive your reaction to what she says.
She might also be PMSing and it just hit her wrong. A tv commercial can make a woman cry if she’s PMSing…
she wasn’t pregnant and the kid probably wasn’t yours either even if she was. you threw your relationship away for self gratification. leave your ex alone and break up with ABC.
i would probably find it within yourself on why you cheated and decided to throw a 3 year relationship away for some pussy and fix it.
It’s completely within reason to ask your significant other to not speak to ANY 1 about you twos personal issues. If he’s trying to flip that and say your controlling him that’s already a little scummy.
But plain and simple if you don’t feel respected it ain’t worth it.
If they are being sarcastic and dont use /s, then it is nude to detect. Person I responded to didn't use /s so I assumed they were serious, hence my comment.
Fine. Hurt then. Call it whatever. The whole wounded-me act is bullshitting you. “I’m hurt that you don’t trust me” implies she is being hurt by you.. It puts the onus on you to be less distrusting, rather than on her to be more trustworthy.
How does finding another person attractive equate to you not being ready for marriage? We never stop finding people attractive, it's human nature. You just don't act on it
OP your bf is extremely controlling and twists your head when needed for him. He is not a support. He is one of the guys that look after other girls and is one of the guys that is gross to other girls, otherwise he wouldn't need to point that out.
He doesn't want you to draw attention because you are beautiful, but you aren't 100% you because he has decided you can't. Hence why he wrote what he wrote and what he said.
As someone with BD I suggest you find some help with professionals and dump this bf of yours because he is only increasing your issues more.
Ofc you want to dress after yourself. Find yourself again with clothes, makeup and even activities that feels like you. Time to cut out the weight in your life (the bf).
Stop feeding the dopamine. Stop fantasizing and wanking off to her. Stop envisioning little rendez-vous together. Stop parsing her words for secret meetings.
Cut down contact to bare minimum. Remind yourself she is being nice and charming and that you may be completely misinterpreting her friendliness or even if she is flirting, it may be business motivated.
Go home, kiss your wife and realize you are dancing on the head of a pin
From what you describe, he has been verbally aggressive with you. He also came to where you work after you blocked him and tried to tell your colleagues that something was wrong with you. He's also married. You can go to the police tell them the whole story and ask them what to do.
I am happy to see that you are able to take your own valid emotions seriously while still being understanding about the fear and uncertainty on his end. This is a difficult balance and I appreciate you.
Asked why she never told me, and she said she was afraid I’d think of her differently…
So first get your wife a dictionary.
She is ashamed and regrets what she did, even if it’s only because of what she thought your reaction would be.
So how did you find the videos.
If she didn’t tell you beforehand, why now, or did you stumble across them or did someone else send them to you. The how of you finding out is important.
Either way she needs to explain herself, porn isn’t like having lots of partners and experimenting, this is a PERMANENT DIGITAL RECORD which as you say you can’t talk to anyone about as most will just want to find the videos. Which means the majority of your relationship (from the moment she said you to your proposal) has been based on a lie.
The fact she is still in contact with these people is a massive red flag.
And your jealousy over what she told you she didn’t want to do, yet you now know had lots of fun doing is salt in the wound of this entire thing.
If you decide to continue with this relationship the first thing she does is cuts all contact with these people.
Second thing is she tells you the truth of it all “experimenting in college” is a fucking Bs excuse – the majority of people experiment, a very small percentage do porn.
Third is that she tells you of any other videos and experiments are out there to surprise you.
Forth she explains why she told you no – normally a no is a no and that’s it – but she lost the privilege of that because she lied to you. So she has to tell you exactly why she didn’t want to do those thing with you.
Then after hearing all of this especially point 2 and 3 you reevaluate your relationship.
Questions you need to ask yourself
What is the chances that someone you know will find these videos? Is your wife recognisable in them? What is the possible reaction and fallout from this? And is your love, which is based on a lie, enough to cope with everything?
And if the answer to the last one isn’t a resounding yes, then divorce.
And when you divorce her, if she doesn’t agree to it, then you tell everyone.
I bet you none of her family or friends (bar the guys she fucked for the videos) know, and as horrible as it sounds to tell them because of what their reaction would be, it is the consequences of her actions (not telling you prior to being married) And they deserve to know the truth about the divorce.
Because my comment above yours literally said “I am from a single parent household and would be upset if I found out that my mom conceived me against my dad’s wishes”. That comment I made is non-IVF and I'm trying to explain why that's fucked up because you seem to not understand, based on your comment of “A one parent family is often a mother with a kid and an absent father. The kid is seldom told the story from the absent fathers perspective since he is not there” But in any case going ahead and implanting IVF fertilized eggs when you know the father of the fertilized egg is not okay with it IS a non consensual act. You not understanding this is incredibly horrific and disgusting to be completely honest
I am not saying what is right or not. I am merely stating what could be crossing her mind
Let something happen to her. If she still doesn’t stop then stop being friends.
Some Asian cultures have ways of interfacing with children that are decidedly “not okay” by Western standards. In a certain first world Asian country it is not uncommon to have people pull little boy's pants down in order to remark on how “cute” their penises are/observe the rate of growth in the member. I'm talking babies, toddlers, and sometimes even kindergarten or older male children will get this done to them in the midst of large family gatherings.
I wouldn't be surprised if this was a cultural difference, but that doesn't make it acceptable, only explainable. If she is unwilling to change this behavior, I definitely wouldn't have children with her.
Therapy. You are mentally ill
My relationship never went to that extent but I definitely empathize with you. It’s comfortability, not wanting to have a drastic change in life, being contempt, being absolutely blindsided by love, developing a trauma bond, developing unhealthy coping and communication mechanisms.
It’s extremely nude to let go of a relationship. Nevertheless one that is not healthy. I highly highly reccomend you do some deeper soul searching to ensure you can still have a happy life. It will be one of the hardest things to do, but really have an objective perspective on things. Imagine this was your best friend instead of yourself, what would you tell them to do?
Only you can decide if this can be something continued (given that it takes two to tango) or just let go.
Exactly. She isn't being controlling or trying to guilt trip (as some people have said) by saying what she expects in their relationship and the reasons behind it. If he didn't want to compromise, he should've said it. But he was okay with it, then disrespected her
Was it Haiykuu? Kinda hoping I’m right
I feel what works for me in situations like this is reminding myself that to remove a memory attached to a place, show or any other object – you have to rewrite or re format that memory. And watching it with you would mean that he would remember your reactions not hers, associate it with you lot her and that’s a great thing!
I dont think theres anything you can do physically in bed to get him to be more vocal if he already isnt. maybe just talk to him about how hearing him be more vocal turns you on
This is such a messy situation I can’t even read this. If you want to live! your life like that, meeting people and immediately moving in with them and having children with them, expect many arguments and financial challenges.
You have already given your wife too many chances. She keeps physically abusing you and without her admitting she has a problem and starting therapy, there is zero chance she will change. It isn't good for you or your daughters to be around her because she will start hitting them.
Don't drop the restraining order. Get away from her, file for divorce and full custody.
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I hope you learned a lesson or two about relationships and being the asshole vs being the nice guy.
1. Always get a paternity test before signing anything. Communicate this expectation beforehand, and she might out herself before you even take the test. BE THE ASSHOLE. 2. If she wanted to, she would. That goes double if she's not communicating about a problem. Set a standard and an expectation, and hold her y to it. 3. It's good to first look internally to see where you contribute to problems in for relationship, but shouldering all of the blame for an extended period while demanding nothing from your partner is a great way to look like a fool. 4. Don't come to reddit for advice as a guy. These people aren't concerned about you.
Lmao getting married after 4 months of knowing each other is considered crazy behavior in the US. What are you smoking?
Just after I made this post and she rang me and said “I’m just calling you cause I’m walking down to my cousins and u told me to call anytime” I said did she want to meet up later and or if she needs a lift home to give me a text, she said she will let me know but she doesn’t know if she wants too.. it’s really annoying at this stage, like I am always there for her, I am the person that she goes to when she is alone and depressed it seems but when she has family and friends around then she doesn’t care. She’s carrying my baby and it’s why I want to look out for her.
I’m not really sure on what to do, her decision and mind is changing 24/7 and all I’m doing is trying to be there for her
I would take this opportunity to ask her if you can join her since you have though of doing something like this as well…. maybe when you come back from the trip you will have a more clear head about if you want to date her seriously if not at least you have the experience… i agree with the other coments it can be a recipe for disaster and you probably will be resentful but idk
So in my eyes the mature way to handle this would be to 1) get your girlfriends side of the story 2) let her know you trust you her and have her handle it herself. I’m not talking prolonged contacted just simply her addressing the issue with him directly and then making it clear it’s in the past regardless. 3) then and only then if he persists do you say something to him.
This is all assuming that you and your girlfriend have a trusting and healthy relationship, which I hope is the case!
I think I’ve grown and changed a lot since those 2 weeks. The love that I have for her now is a lottt more than ever before and I want to show her that
I’m sure you do! The growth I’m talking about will take all throughout and beyond college.
Been there done that. Yea it’s probably awkward. What helped for me is.. don’t make a big deal of it. Download a dating app and chat with someone for a bit. I’m not talking go on a date or anything but talking to someone can help boost your confidence a big and people pick up on that. Then just go to work as usual. Be friendly around the work place. If people ask your plans then try to have something interesting going on. Basically OP just live! your life. Eventually things will go back to normal or they won’t. In my experience it’s about the time that I do start pursuing someone else that the original person decides to show interest ?♂️
Yeah he’s really good in bed ?
That is purely up to you, cuz unless it's sex oriented, there isn't anything wrong with keeping memory pictures. Technically nothing wrong with sex oriented either, I just think it's common courtesy to delete those after a breakup.
You don’t need any reason to breakup with someone but you actually have several good reasons. I’m a divorced mom , 36. You already know continuing is a mistake so muster that courage and spring free. Worry about your own feelings and concerns before his. The age gap is concerning here too (sorry). Good luck you got this
I mean you can love yourself and still be in the wrong. It seems as though you were coming here to validate the idea that your going to break up with a chick because she flashed no one. Maybe begin by asking yourself why you started dating, it seems to me that your perspective is the issue and not her. Everything should be your issue first so you can solve it. If your issue is her showing her boobs to no one, i think you need to rethink your priorities. No one is saying stay with this person for your benefit or for “brownie points” but rather your excuse for braking up is rather vapid.
That’s been running through my mind. But why would you admit to cheating and beg for forgiveness? Why would you allow me to go through that pain and yourself to have that negative image? I thought that maybe he was hoping that the cheating would originally be an end all despite him begging for forgiveness. It’s all so confusing. Thank you though for messaging me. I’ve been feeling very alone because I can’t talk to anyone else about this without their judgment on him by people we know.
Maybe ask her, because it doesn't take much more than stubble
…Absolutely disgusting.
No birth control is 100%
Bro it’s predatory no matter who says it.
Because mature adults don’t get mad over imaginary things.
Divorce and let them start a new life. I feel for your kid trying to process this.
For your own mental health and wellbeing do NOT contact him. You have caring and supportive people in your life and that’s what you need right now. Even if your sure and prepared abortion isn’t easy mentally or physically. You don’t need anyone toxic around you. You have to take care of yourself. You owe him nothing. Focus on you.
you just recently realized this lmao
Fair. I suppose it was so bad it almost didn’t feel real.
I think you need to get out of it and go live! your life. If a relationship gives you bad feelings, it's not a good one and you deserve better.
And why should the OP torch her life for the sake of some random woman's peace of mind? You do realise he and his cop buddies can and most likely will make the OP's life living hell?
That you got away with it without getting harmed is very lucky, but not everyone will have that kind of luck.
Please get the dog out of there before it gets killed
Listen, feelings about an ex can be complicated when you hear that they are getting married. It doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him. It doesn’t even mean that she regrets their breakup. But it can be confronting to see someone ruse occupying the space that you had once upon a time pictured as yours.
Give her some time and space to process. Then ask her again why she reacted so strongly. Share that it made you wonder if she was really over him. Go into the discussion with an open mind and try not to let your hurt feelings/insecurities drive your reaction to what she says.
She might also be PMSing and it just hit her wrong. A tv commercial can make a woman cry if she’s PMSing…
she wasn’t pregnant and the kid probably wasn’t yours either even if she was. you threw your relationship away for self gratification. leave your ex alone and break up with ABC.
i would probably find it within yourself on why you cheated and decided to throw a 3 year relationship away for some pussy and fix it.
This is a rage bait troll. As someone pointed out in another comment. Whenever someone calls out their comments they get defensive and curse.
It’s completely within reason to ask your significant other to not speak to ANY 1 about you twos personal issues. If he’s trying to flip that and say your controlling him that’s already a little scummy.
But plain and simple if you don’t feel respected it ain’t worth it.
If they are being sarcastic and dont use /s, then it is nude to detect. Person I responded to didn't use /s so I assumed they were serious, hence my comment.
What are all the little things that didn’t feel right? That seems like an important piece of this story?
Fine. Hurt then. Call it whatever. The whole wounded-me act is bullshitting you. “I’m hurt that you don’t trust me” implies she is being hurt by you.. It puts the onus on you to be less distrusting, rather than on her to be more trustworthy.
How does finding another person attractive equate to you not being ready for marriage? We never stop finding people attractive, it's human nature. You just don't act on it
OP your bf is extremely controlling and twists your head when needed for him. He is not a support. He is one of the guys that look after other girls and is one of the guys that is gross to other girls, otherwise he wouldn't need to point that out.
He doesn't want you to draw attention because you are beautiful, but you aren't 100% you because he has decided you can't. Hence why he wrote what he wrote and what he said.
As someone with BD I suggest you find some help with professionals and dump this bf of yours because he is only increasing your issues more.
Ofc you want to dress after yourself. Find yourself again with clothes, makeup and even activities that feels like you. Time to cut out the weight in your life (the bf).
Wow. Your relationship is so toxic…
Stop feeding the dopamine. Stop fantasizing and wanking off to her. Stop envisioning little rendez-vous together. Stop parsing her words for secret meetings.
Cut down contact to bare minimum. Remind yourself she is being nice and charming and that you may be completely misinterpreting her friendliness or even if she is flirting, it may be business motivated.
Go home, kiss your wife and realize you are dancing on the head of a pin
My guess is your traumatized brain was trying to deal with things the best it could.
Sorry to hear that your 2 year relationship is at an end OP.
Make sure that once she moves onto the next guy that you look after yourself.
From what you describe, he has been verbally aggressive with you. He also came to where you work after you blocked him and tried to tell your colleagues that something was wrong with you. He's also married. You can go to the police tell them the whole story and ask them what to do.
Glad to have this update OP
I am happy to see that you are able to take your own valid emotions seriously while still being understanding about the fear and uncertainty on his end. This is a difficult balance and I appreciate you.
Good luck to you both.
Asked why she never told me, and she said she was afraid I’d think of her differently…
So first get your wife a dictionary.
She is ashamed and regrets what she did, even if it’s only because of what she thought your reaction would be.
So how did you find the videos.
If she didn’t tell you beforehand, why now, or did you stumble across them or did someone else send them to you. The how of you finding out is important.
Either way she needs to explain herself, porn isn’t like having lots of partners and experimenting, this is a PERMANENT DIGITAL RECORD which as you say you can’t talk to anyone about as most will just want to find the videos. Which means the majority of your relationship (from the moment she said you to your proposal) has been based on a lie.
The fact she is still in contact with these people is a massive red flag.
And your jealousy over what she told you she didn’t want to do, yet you now know had lots of fun doing is salt in the wound of this entire thing.
If you decide to continue with this relationship the first thing she does is cuts all contact with these people.
Second thing is she tells you the truth of it all “experimenting in college” is a fucking Bs excuse – the majority of people experiment, a very small percentage do porn.
Third is that she tells you of any other videos and experiments are out there to surprise you.
Forth she explains why she told you no – normally a no is a no and that’s it – but she lost the privilege of that because she lied to you. So she has to tell you exactly why she didn’t want to do those thing with you.
Then after hearing all of this especially point 2 and 3 you reevaluate your relationship.
Questions you need to ask yourself
What is the chances that someone you know will find these videos? Is your wife recognisable in them? What is the possible reaction and fallout from this? And is your love, which is based on a lie, enough to cope with everything?
And if the answer to the last one isn’t a resounding yes, then divorce.
And when you divorce her, if she doesn’t agree to it, then you tell everyone.
I bet you none of her family or friends (bar the guys she fucked for the videos) know, and as horrible as it sounds to tell them because of what their reaction would be, it is the consequences of her actions (not telling you prior to being married) And they deserve to know the truth about the divorce.
Find a new job. Sounds like a hostile work environment
First step: move as much money as you can from your joint account into a personal account.
Second step: get marriage therapy, with him or without him.
Because my comment above yours literally said “I am from a single parent household and would be upset if I found out that my mom conceived me against my dad’s wishes”. That comment I made is non-IVF and I'm trying to explain why that's fucked up because you seem to not understand, based on your comment of “A one parent family is often a mother with a kid and an absent father. The kid is seldom told the story from the absent fathers perspective since he is not there” But in any case going ahead and implanting IVF fertilized eggs when you know the father of the fertilized egg is not okay with it IS a non consensual act. You not understanding this is incredibly horrific and disgusting to be completely honest