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badkittycass, y.o.
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Date: October 30, 2022
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It doesn’t sound like you are abusive. Your wife however does. I understand that she has serious mental health conditions and is disabled, however that doesn’t excuse her behaviour. She is emotionally abusive, controlling, and frankly manipulative. She gives everything you do a negative label (calls you a hypocrite, abusive, says you’re mansplaning, says you cooked for your own ego) in an attempt to shut you down. She’s doing it so that you do things her way. She also just seems to turn everything you do into a negative.
Mixing pasta with sauce is fine. It’s now a complete meal that you can just reheat later. Maybe it’s not her preference, but there was nothing wrong with what you did. Her response to it though was abusive. Everything she was doing was to make you feel bad and admit you were wrong. She said you ruined other meals, you shouldn’t go to the shops without consulting her, and she was offering no real solutions other than “do things exactly as I say and ask permission”.
I understand that you’re in a stressful situation due to your financial situation. But, that doesn’t excuse her behaviour. You’re capable of not abusing her despite being worried about finances so it’s clearly possible. In fact, she complains about financial abuse but ironically it’s what she’s doing to you by preventing you from working more hours.
I can see she has DSA. Is she receiving PIP? Are you receiving PIP? If either of those is a no, consider applying. You might qualify and it would help you a little with finances. You can get help filling those out from Citizens Advice.
However, I would strongly reconsider the relationship. You seem to think you just have to get through this and it will get better. Unfortunately that is rarely the case with abuse. She will find other things to be upset about. She already mistreats you, controls you, manipulates, and belittles you about things that have nothing to do with your finances.
And even if she does start to treat you better once you’re in a better financial situation, so what? You can’t guarantee that you’ll never fall on very hot times again. It’s not ok for her to abuse you every time you guys struggle with something. You’re her partner, not her punching bag. A relationship needs to work when life gets tough. If it’s only good when everything in life is perfect then it’s not a good relationship.
Haha 100% that's what he wants
You make it sound like it Seems like they're doing it.
this incident happened when I was 25 and him 26. we weren’t so great at regulating our emotions like we can now. and yes, he’s had boundary issues. I can say he is now a recovering people pleaser. so I can agree that what you said is how he was! “someone this passive just isn’t a good investment for a happy life” this is deep. although he’s worked thru a lot of stuff and he really is a trying man, I’m terrified of this. I’m scared if he will revert one day.
He’s not your friend, he’s made it clear that he only wants to hook up with you. He’s willing to string along another girl and use her against you. Now he’s made the “friendship” conditional in his favour. You should just drop this douche and move on with your life.