Ironic that your username contains reasonable, holy, debate lords are annoying. You're literally doing a false equivalency rn, how is liking a lingerie post that shows up in your ig feed randomly the same as going to a strip club???
You're the type of person who would say: Oh they're making weed legal? what's next, murder?
Like how do u go from a normal behaviour to an obviously cheating behaviour and equate them??
You know it's a well known fact clothes are engineered to look good right? You know u can like a lingerie pic because u think the clothing piece looks aesthetically pleasing right? U know that most likely it has nothing to do with the model wearing it and he could just as likely just liked a lingerie pic lying in a desk without anyone wearing it right?
You got a septic tank or something? Just get the flushable kind. And IDC if people say “flushable wipes aren't actually flushable”. I have indoor plumbing and have never had a backup from flushing flushable wipes.
Big caveat, obviously I'm giving my side of the story though is all. I honestly believe this is the true representation of how this all went down, but she obviously definitely thinks about it differently.
But yeah, the “lazy fuck” thing does really bug me. She always acts like I don't work a real job or have real responsibilities because I am (1) in school and work part time and (2) am able to WFH/be home more than her. For example, I am usually able to stay at home later than her because my classes start at 10, so I would be up at like 830, take care of the dog and get myself together, be out by 9:15. SHe's up at 7 every morning. So she thinks I'm “'lazy” for that. Similarly, I worked a fancy summer job this summer and she was all annoyed with the after-work stuff that comes with the job. Hated how I would get wined and dined while she was at home taking care of the dog. But the reality is that even during the school year, I still work 5-10 hours part time, am actively involved in a bunch of school stuff, and put in hours on weekends and at nights.
I feel guilty partly because I know I can be difficult. Honestly she is right, I do always think I need to be right in arguments, and I get that can be difficult. But in this case for instance, I literally do not think I did anything “wrong,” so I don't want to apologize just because she felt bad. I know that's a toxic trait to have in a relationship though so I sympathize with her for that.
This is so simple: no more BJs…or better yet break up. He can’t be trusted and his reaction of being upset with you when you got upset he went directly against your wishes is disgusting. He’s being greedy; can’t just be happy with a morning BJ (most men would be) but HAS to finish in the one place you’re not ok with.
He hit you because you were being annoying??!! Wtf you never deserve to be hit. Why are you ok with his actions? Please reassess what you consider ok. This is not ok. Just because he didn't hit you as badly as your ex, doesn't mean it isn't bad. You were in an abusive relationship so you are vulnerable of accepting the same or similar treatment due to the trauma you went through. I find all this really concerning to read. Please get therapy to work on your past trauma, low self worth and expectations/boundaries in a relationship. I'm afraid you are in a harmful relationship right now.
You have already listed many red flags:
he monitors you and demands photo evidence
he hit you
he doesn't respect your boundaries
he has violent fantasies
he minimizes your feelings
he covertly intimidates you
What he is doing is NOT therapy. I'm a therapist and I see nothing therapeutic about fantasizing about murdering someone. In addition, it is triggering you. If his actions are frightening you or triggering your trauma he should care enough to refrain from doing it.
You keep defending them in your comments. How about you start defending you dignity and your self worth. The facts are they have talked about this behind your back, He wasn’t to have sex with someone other than the one he is supposed to be in love with and your friend wants to have sex with your boyfriend. And to top it off they are both pressuring you to allow it. If your best friend was in this situation what would you tell her? You are being majorly disrespected by two people who should respect you the most. I know it hurts to think about but it is happening. You already know they will sleep together if you walk away, just think about when you are sick or busy or working and they have time alone, you will always worry that they will have sex. This is something you don’t come back from, maybe if they brought it up one time and left it when you said no, but they will eventually sleep together if they haven’t already.
You took a risk and got your GF pregnant … so now you will be a father. It doesn’t matter if you are ready. The baby is command you are responsible for it.
Ask yourself where you want to be 8n 5 years… and who that you are hanging out with will get you there.
Okay… I'm super allowing others a safe place for their kinks and “you like what you like”. There's a line that needs not be crossed though; know the line between your kink and what is okay. If she's watching actual innocent animals (who cannot give consent) be violated… Then she's got issues.
Say nothing and keep things the same. Until he comes to you and admits it’s about you then there isnt anything to do or say anyways. If you admit you read it then you were snooping. If you don’t admit it yes it could have been about you but you may find it’s not.
At 35 years old, if she’s not 100% sure she wants kids, she probably just doesn’t. You need to CALMLY have that talk. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you probably need to rethink this next stage of your life.
Understood. It's just that sleeping with someone can give you important info about your compatibility as a couple long-term? Yes, some guys just want to hit & quit but also having sex can show you aren't compatible, and she chose to sleep with you, as well. It's not like you *did* something to her she didn't consent to? Good luck.
It sounds like your issues are beyond what you both need in bed to get aroused. It’s time for an honest talk about where the relationship is and if it’s time to say goodbye or there’s something else that is cause the less than ideal sex life.
Finally, watching porn could be equivalent to using a vibrator in the sense both of them can become fetishized. While most women won’t orgasm from penetration alone, it doesn’t mean a vibrator is the only thing that can get them to orgasm (fingering, cunnilingus, etc are options).
If a person CANNOT cum without a particular thing, be it porn, a toy or an specific action, it is a problem that has to be dealt with a sex therapist. If your bf really can’t do without the video stimulation, his issue is worse than it seems and beyond a small argument.
I loveee how he left out the part of him snapping as if that would change the fact that he’s a literal man child. Don’t forget to tell them how you need your gf to help you pack.
She could have said she was engaged first and if he continued to pester then take the number and report. People get rejected everyday and don’t feel the need to murder someone; I don’t understand how keeping the door open at a public place they both frequent is for her safety?
Men have flirted with me at the grocery store, men have flirted with me at my place of work, men have flirted with me while I’m stopped at a red light. So, according to this logic, I should just stay at home? Forever?
If someone’s going to flirt, they will. They don’t need to be at a bar or club.
Indeed, there are two sides to the story and I just explained mine. I cant speak from her perspective.
I come from an European household!
I can solve this problem myself indeed.. but because of the fact this situation is pretty 'fresh' if i say that correctly, i was a bit desperate for different perspectives.. thanks a lot for that.
Yeah he’s the kind of person to forget to buy someone a birthday present. Or decide that because a holiday isn’t important to him then it shouldn’t be important to anyone else including his family.
I’ve asked him many times about it, and said honestly it feels like he doesn’t care and that I’m not a priority in his life. He got really sad and said that wasn’t it and he really does care he just doesn’t think about it or forgets.
I had ADHD and I compensate with lots of things like lists and reminders and alarms and he knows this. It takes a lot of effort for me to be present and reliable in my relationship but I do it. And I think even if he had ADHD he should be able to try too.
I have brought up ADHD to him and he doesn’t think he has it but even if he did he couldn’t seek a diagnosis because it would immediately disqualify him from his line of work.
The night after i met my boyfriend (not on tinder) i deleted it that day. sometimes when you know, you just know. That was almost 2 years ago
Ironic that your username contains reasonable, holy, debate lords are annoying. You're literally doing a false equivalency rn, how is liking a lingerie post that shows up in your ig feed randomly the same as going to a strip club???
You're the type of person who would say: Oh they're making weed legal? what's next, murder?
Like how do u go from a normal behaviour to an obviously cheating behaviour and equate them??
You know it's a well known fact clothes are engineered to look good right? You know u can like a lingerie pic because u think the clothing piece looks aesthetically pleasing right? U know that most likely it has nothing to do with the model wearing it and he could just as likely just liked a lingerie pic lying in a desk without anyone wearing it right?
“Obvi 0” ?. This is unhinged. Don't tell me you showed it to her.
You got a septic tank or something? Just get the flushable kind. And IDC if people say “flushable wipes aren't actually flushable”. I have indoor plumbing and have never had a backup from flushing flushable wipes.
Big caveat, obviously I'm giving my side of the story though is all. I honestly believe this is the true representation of how this all went down, but she obviously definitely thinks about it differently.
But yeah, the “lazy fuck” thing does really bug me. She always acts like I don't work a real job or have real responsibilities because I am (1) in school and work part time and (2) am able to WFH/be home more than her. For example, I am usually able to stay at home later than her because my classes start at 10, so I would be up at like 830, take care of the dog and get myself together, be out by 9:15. SHe's up at 7 every morning. So she thinks I'm “'lazy” for that. Similarly, I worked a fancy summer job this summer and she was all annoyed with the after-work stuff that comes with the job. Hated how I would get wined and dined while she was at home taking care of the dog. But the reality is that even during the school year, I still work 5-10 hours part time, am actively involved in a bunch of school stuff, and put in hours on weekends and at nights.
I feel guilty partly because I know I can be difficult. Honestly she is right, I do always think I need to be right in arguments, and I get that can be difficult. But in this case for instance, I literally do not think I did anything “wrong,” so I don't want to apologize just because she felt bad. I know that's a toxic trait to have in a relationship though so I sympathize with her for that.
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She wants to cheat with your permission. You do have a choice: divorce.
This is so simple: no more BJs…or better yet break up. He can’t be trusted and his reaction of being upset with you when you got upset he went directly against your wishes is disgusting. He’s being greedy; can’t just be happy with a morning BJ (most men would be) but HAS to finish in the one place you’re not ok with.
He hit you because you were being annoying??!! Wtf you never deserve to be hit. Why are you ok with his actions? Please reassess what you consider ok. This is not ok. Just because he didn't hit you as badly as your ex, doesn't mean it isn't bad. You were in an abusive relationship so you are vulnerable of accepting the same or similar treatment due to the trauma you went through. I find all this really concerning to read. Please get therapy to work on your past trauma, low self worth and expectations/boundaries in a relationship. I'm afraid you are in a harmful relationship right now.
You have already listed many red flags:
he monitors you and demands photo evidence
he hit you
he doesn't respect your boundaries
he has violent fantasies
he minimizes your feelings
he covertly intimidates you
What he is doing is NOT therapy. I'm a therapist and I see nothing therapeutic about fantasizing about murdering someone. In addition, it is triggering you. If his actions are frightening you or triggering your trauma he should care enough to refrain from doing it.
You keep defending them in your comments. How about you start defending you dignity and your self worth. The facts are they have talked about this behind your back, He wasn’t to have sex with someone other than the one he is supposed to be in love with and your friend wants to have sex with your boyfriend. And to top it off they are both pressuring you to allow it. If your best friend was in this situation what would you tell her? You are being majorly disrespected by two people who should respect you the most. I know it hurts to think about but it is happening. You already know they will sleep together if you walk away, just think about when you are sick or busy or working and they have time alone, you will always worry that they will have sex. This is something you don’t come back from, maybe if they brought it up one time and left it when you said no, but they will eventually sleep together if they haven’t already.
You only put up with it if you decide to.
You took a risk and got your GF pregnant … so now you will be a father. It doesn’t matter if you are ready. The baby is command you are responsible for it.
Ask yourself where you want to be 8n 5 years… and who that you are hanging out with will get you there.
I feel the same. I'm not gonna lie.
I don't want to be anyone's “safe” choice. That's like saying
Hey. It didn't work out with everyone else, but since things are OK, I'll settle for you.
I'd rather be alone forever than be someone's runner up
I did forget. And the scene with Maggie and the Governor.
Okay… I'm super allowing others a safe place for their kinks and “you like what you like”. There's a line that needs not be crossed though; know the line between your kink and what is okay. If she's watching actual innocent animals (who cannot give consent) be violated… Then she's got issues.
did you pee afterwards?
he isnt violating shit since he has never agreed to a rule she tried to impose
Say nothing and keep things the same. Until he comes to you and admits it’s about you then there isnt anything to do or say anyways. If you admit you read it then you were snooping. If you don’t admit it yes it could have been about you but you may find it’s not.
BLOCK HIM!!!!
The fact that you’ve been together less than a year but are in counseling is very telling. She sounds exhausting.
Why are u reinforcing these gender stereotypes when that's clearly, not the case here? Everybody is saying that this is wrong!
At 35 years old, if she’s not 100% sure she wants kids, she probably just doesn’t. You need to CALMLY have that talk. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you probably need to rethink this next stage of your life.
Exactly this OP
Understood. It's just that sleeping with someone can give you important info about your compatibility as a couple long-term? Yes, some guys just want to hit & quit but also having sex can show you aren't compatible, and she chose to sleep with you, as well. It's not like you *did* something to her she didn't consent to? Good luck.
It sounds like your issues are beyond what you both need in bed to get aroused. It’s time for an honest talk about where the relationship is and if it’s time to say goodbye or there’s something else that is cause the less than ideal sex life.
Finally, watching porn could be equivalent to using a vibrator in the sense both of them can become fetishized. While most women won’t orgasm from penetration alone, it doesn’t mean a vibrator is the only thing that can get them to orgasm (fingering, cunnilingus, etc are options).
If a person CANNOT cum without a particular thing, be it porn, a toy or an specific action, it is a problem that has to be dealt with a sex therapist. If your bf really can’t do without the video stimulation, his issue is worse than it seems and beyond a small argument.
I loveee how he left out the part of him snapping as if that would change the fact that he’s a literal man child. Don’t forget to tell them how you need your gf to help you pack.
She could have said she was engaged first and if he continued to pester then take the number and report. People get rejected everyday and don’t feel the need to murder someone; I don’t understand how keeping the door open at a public place they both frequent is for her safety?
Men have flirted with me at the grocery store, men have flirted with me at my place of work, men have flirted with me while I’m stopped at a red light. So, according to this logic, I should just stay at home? Forever?
If someone’s going to flirt, they will. They don’t need to be at a bar or club.
You were SAd and if your girlfriend doesn’t support you then she’s not the right one for you. Show her this post
But what if he's Bisexual?
Thanks for your reactions!
Indeed, there are two sides to the story and I just explained mine. I cant speak from her perspective.
I come from an European household!
I can solve this problem myself indeed.. but because of the fact this situation is pretty 'fresh' if i say that correctly, i was a bit desperate for different perspectives.. thanks a lot for that.
Yeah he’s the kind of person to forget to buy someone a birthday present. Or decide that because a holiday isn’t important to him then it shouldn’t be important to anyone else including his family.
I’ve asked him many times about it, and said honestly it feels like he doesn’t care and that I’m not a priority in his life. He got really sad and said that wasn’t it and he really does care he just doesn’t think about it or forgets.
I had ADHD and I compensate with lots of things like lists and reminders and alarms and he knows this. It takes a lot of effort for me to be present and reliable in my relationship but I do it. And I think even if he had ADHD he should be able to try too.
I have brought up ADHD to him and he doesn’t think he has it but even if he did he couldn’t seek a diagnosis because it would immediately disqualify him from his line of work.
You're weird
Seriously. Stop dating. Stop drinking. Focus on your child and start therapy.