Cheating is that thing that would cause you to dump him when you found out about it. He doesn’t get to dictate your feelings or your actions. There is no universal standard. I’m f you wish to no longer be with him, he has nothing to say about it.
leading guys on and only going on dates with them for the meet fee and gifts is pretty common among younger sugar babies at least. also kissing someone is different than pretending to be interested just to get gifts/money.
like i said, message her first if you really want to take some action and tell her she should tell him. it's still her choice though, and her relationship.
I'm trying very hot not to sound rude, but what kind of a question is that? Obviously it depends on who's calling you that. Is it your grandpa? Cashier at target? Old boss? Coworker same age as you? A friend? Classmate? JESUS C HIMSELF? There's a few billion men on Earth, I'd assume it does not mean the same coming from each of them.
Kindly think it through before posting such a vague question.
The problem is she has no interest in doing anything else, she will just lie in bed playing games on her phone while I lie next to her. There's absolutely nothing stopping her from talking to me while I do my stuff, but she just doesn't want to get up. I try to talk to her, and I usually spend a couple hours with her but sometimes I just want to do other things
Wow … dude .. ok yeah , I am a woman, and I just read all of the post and I have to say…I think you lead her on. You pushed her into a relationship that she didn’t want..she thought was not appropriate, and then told her you cared about her…loved her and then…let her fall in love with you …knowing she was and still didn’t shut it down , you pretended like you loved her back , talking about having kids and marriage…and then she wants a commitment and you shut her down.. Wow man That’s not ok She will never trust another man ever You were her best friend and we trust our best friends to shoot us straight ..not lie to us…then you were her lover too…and you tricked her ..her ability to trust a man with her heart is shattered…. I would be so devastated and heartbroken Best thing you can do is say you’re sorry and leave her alone The more you involve yourself in her life , the more you will hurt her. Walk away and let her heal Not cool man I hope you made the right choice Cause I bet she is a great woman I’m sorry you don’t see that you were wrong ..cause that part would suck the most for me… Good luck in love. I hope she finds peace and you find what you are looking for in someone else
It's weird if you're okay with your friends doing it but not him, as he should be your best friend and partner for life. I think there is a deeper issue in you trying to find this perfect partner and putting new standards onto your current boyfriend.
Think about why did you fall for him in first place, why wasn't it an issue before? Maybe you have some trauma from a parental figure?
Thing is, we cannot change people, and if you're unhappy then you should seek therapy and find the root cause of the sudden change.
Could the fact your contributing to your sister's affair be a factor in his asking for the contribution to his families ? If you are paying for him at your families than he should be willing to pay for his families and I would ask him what he why he doesn't understand the concept. Plus, if he still thinks you should, you should decline.
The moment you grabbed her in anger you were done. You then grab her, pin her wrists, move her against a wall, physically intimidate her, yell at her, and then take her clothing off to make her feel less because you have to dominate her at this time to make yourself feel that you are bigger/better/stronger/more.
This is a take a loot at yourself and get some help about how to fix your self esteem issue that your partner teasing you doesn't start with, “Uhh, where did that come from?” but escalated to absolute rage and physical actions.
You always want to soft-pedal any disagreements you have in public. But behind closed doors you're absolutely entitled to your own opinion. If you disagree on major issues this requires a lot of diplomacy. If he's telling you that you can't speak your mind even in private that's what's called “controlling”. Couples that find themselves on the opposing sides of things can only usually last if they adopt a “agree to disagree” mantra. That said, when it comes to your family it is your job to run interference. You don't have to say your partner is right if you think he's wrong but you do have to convince both sides to not discuss the issues they disagree on. Good luck.
I'd be getting rid of one. It wouldn't be the dog. Why would you yell and scream at a dog? Dogs and animals alike are innocent creatures. She Obviously doesn't care about the poor dog or your opinion for that matter. That's just me though. I have a passion for animals. I own 3 dogs and 2 ferrets. I walk my dogs everyday rain, shine, sleet, snow. It's 9 degrees right now here I live! with a -3 windchill. I just took my dogs out to potty. She doesn't deserve the dog.
You're right. I will show him tomorrow. He's getting ready to leave for work now. I brought it up a little and he said she doesn't work with him tonight which is kind of relieving.
My oldest's father is a different person and still completely involved but my partner has definitely been in his life more than he hasn't so I know the change will be very hot on him too. I agree though, they're be better off seeing us both happy and succeeding rather than in one unhappy situation.
The problem is that I'm just done. I just feel drained and like I can't keep fighting. He not a bad partner and he's a great dad for the most part, but I'm done personally. We can't grow from there.
I'm trying to put myself in his spot to see how I would react and perceive it.
It can be very easily taken the wrong way and create tension.
There's this story that happened to me that maybe could shine a light to this, a few years ago I met someone who was basically like a personified checklist of everything I ever wanted the perfect partner to be, to the T.
I went through with it and dated her, I loved her but couldn't truly fall in love with her, even if we were seemingly absolutely perfect for each other, even everyone agreed.
It made me realize she's better as a best friend, very close best friend. That getting along and feeling happy with someone doesn't necessarily invoke romantic interest. I just truly enjoyed her company and felt genuinely happy spending time together but nothing beyond that.
Sometimes we get talked into developing crushes over people we love being around because of how “it's supposed to be” that two people of the opposite gender who love being together must have romantic interest.
When I was growing up and battling live! we found dying our hair with box dye killed all the lice. Might be worth a try. We’d just dye the same color we had.
Marriage will not change his outlook. Be prepared to be called a gold digger until you or he passes away. This man makes double your salary you were paying 80% of the rent? I think you should take a break from this relationship and re-evaluate.
idk i feel like i just dont get what she means. ive gotten her things like a customized digital framed poster of her, a silver ring, and some craft gifts like a ceramic mug i painted on and things of that sort. basically things of sentimental value but she says she would appreciate gifts that can be of use more but idrk what that means
but I’ve never caught them redhanded like this before.
Caught them? Red-handed? They're not fucking committing a crime spending time together without you. Your sister likely lied to you, specifically, so she didn't have to deal with your truly awful attitude.
Thats no excuse for her, my bf told me he is waiting for marriage the first day we started talking, and i have had two sexual partners in the past and we were open and talked about everything, and what it would be like when we are married and able to have sex. We have been together for a year and still talk about sex and what we'd like to end up doing together.
He will do things which I find really sweet. He will do all the chores, cook a nice dinner , take me out to get ice cream and cuddle me and run his hands down down head and sort of pet me
Why is this third so obsessed with you why didn’t you kick him out when he got mad y’all were spending intimate time together.what made him feel he can talk down to your ex why didn’t he keep him out then why was he able to stay so long
When dealing with someone who has lost their spouse , you have to take out your own needs from this equation . If they had wanted to discuss this with you , they would have . I've read your follow up comments as to why you want to do this, and all of them have something in common , me, me , me .
In short , you don't . You can reflect on your choices that you made that are making you feel guilty about not reaching out , you can interrogate your internal thought processes around why you are so worried about the cause – is there something in your own lifestyle that is causing you anxiety that this might happen to you . But what you should not do is question a bereaved partner to assuage your own curiosity / fears / guilt
Everyone grieves differently , but that does not remove our need to be thoughtful in how we handle others pain. If you have a look at ring theory that might help you understand how inappropriate your actions would be
If he wants to meet, ask him to come to your country.
Also, this age gap and the ages you met at are incredibly inappropriate. Groomer springs to mind, and that's the very best case scenario. The worst case scenario is you will lose your life to him. Please be sensible, listen to the other comments here, DO NOT go to his country to visit him.
In an ideal world, block him, forget about him, and meet someone your own age who's actual local enough to meet in a safe place.
Yes, it’s terrible that the child is with his monster of a father. However, at least this way he will have a living mother to find and connect with when he is older.
That is a delusional Disney fairy tale. Why would this child want anything to do with her after she abandoned him to his criminal, abusive, rapist father?
I understand her mental health is fragile. What do you think that child's mental health will be like growing up with only a monster for a father and a mother who abandoned him?
???? you looked like a baby. does she think there's some kind of mythic supermodel baby out there? why would she even care?? imagine you did raise a child with her and when the kids grew up they became unattractive–how is she going to treat them? that's so concerning (and cruel)
Keep in mind the gym boy is not the disease, he’s the symptom. There’s an unmet need she has, and the fact that she said your name I think implies she’d rather have that need met by you than by him. Find out what it is, and then you can heal together! But if you just punish her and restrict her the disease will get worse, even if the symptoms disappear.
That’s why you never move someone into your place. If they wanna cohabit it has to be a rental with both names on the lease. He can lose half of his place now to a leech
her and her mom live! in our house I wouldn't even know where to begin with that and also I try to just talk about it and she just gets super defensive
If she is seeking help and doing the leg work to get better there is definitely a chance to get back together, but would take it at a turtle pace. There is no need to rush it, and if she doesn't show any improvements to be a better person you can always call it quits. It's not your job to manage her mental health. It's her job which I understand is a tough task due to her childhood.
Has he got a learning disorder of some sort? Does he have difficulty understanding you? 'Cause otherwise he is using this to control you. It is a way of slowing you down, making you hesitate to speak for fear of being corrected instead of being heard. He is not validating your concerns but correcting you like a child.
If he can understand what your meaning is, he needs to shut up and listen. To do anything else is extremely disrespectful. I suspect that he will say you are disrespecting him if you don't deliver the message exactly as he wants it. Ask him, does he correct his peers or his boss? Does he correct people he sees as his equals? I doubt it.
He sees you as the lesser person, someone beneath him. He is your teacher and you need to learn your lessons. /s If he saw you as his equal, this would not be an issue. So what are you going to do about this? You can try marriage counseling to see if the light comes on. But if he is not willing to go or change, you have to decide if you really want to play second fiddle to his ego.
While i don't think there's anything wrong with guys chatting between themselves about a very hot coworker/person they saw at the local shops etc, is a problem at all, i too would be upset if i saw my partner and his mates sharing OTT sexual conversation and comments and pictures etc. Personally, if u wanna watch porn etc, who cares, but chatting to ur mates in a group chat and talking about ppl u see in real life, i dno. Something just feels a bit off about it. Everyone has their limits of what they find acceptable or not.
y’all are YOUNG. I’m saying this not because that’s the cause , I’m saying this because luckily you have plenty of time to learn from this.
The fact that she’s 20 and you’re MARRIED tells me it either happened fast or happened for reasons … but you’re learning why it’s usually better to wait until you know who that person is as an adult before legally binding yourself to them.
Learn from this , get back on track and make better choices , and tell her that she’s either gonna do the same or be single.
Dude, you may think you're being reasonable but in reality you are being possessive and controlling. You got into a relationship with her in the full knowledge that she will be deployed for months at a time and then when she's getting ready to ship out, you start raising your concerns/insecurities.
I hate to break it to you but men make up 50% of the population and that means any girlfriend of yours will be in constant contact with them. If they want to cheat they will, regardless of whether they are on shore or on the ship.
You are still young and there is hope for you and your future relationships. Please get therapy
Ok yes. That IS funny because they are being ironic. I'm talking about joking around a more sensitive Point tho. Like here in the post, financial thing can be very sensitive for men and saying something like “I'm only with her for her cooking” or something for women…can be quite rude. That was my point.
On another note, thanks for the hilarious anecdote, I hope they're doing well still…
Yeah, but this isn't something they can find middle ground on. This is a deal breaker. I'm a believer that settling for anything children-wise is a recipe for a disaster for everyone involved, including the kid.
This was my exact reasoning. It scares me but he tries to reassure me all the time. It’s making me panic. He only tells me that I’ll come to terms with everything but that isn’t true
Bounce
So you only know about this because you caught him out? What else don’t you know
Cheating is that thing that would cause you to dump him when you found out about it. He doesn’t get to dictate your feelings or your actions. There is no universal standard. I’m f you wish to no longer be with him, he has nothing to say about it.
leading guys on and only going on dates with them for the meet fee and gifts is pretty common among younger sugar babies at least. also kissing someone is different than pretending to be interested just to get gifts/money.
like i said, message her first if you really want to take some action and tell her she should tell him. it's still her choice though, and her relationship.
I'm trying very hot not to sound rude, but what kind of a question is that? Obviously it depends on who's calling you that. Is it your grandpa? Cashier at target? Old boss? Coworker same age as you? A friend? Classmate? JESUS C HIMSELF? There's a few billion men on Earth, I'd assume it does not mean the same coming from each of them.
Kindly think it through before posting such a vague question.
The problem is she has no interest in doing anything else, she will just lie in bed playing games on her phone while I lie next to her. There's absolutely nothing stopping her from talking to me while I do my stuff, but she just doesn't want to get up. I try to talk to her, and I usually spend a couple hours with her but sometimes I just want to do other things
Smarter than OP it seems. At least enough to have her trying to reconcile after he cheated lol
Have to agree with just about everyone else. Run for the hills. At some point, it’ll all be YOUR fault. Cut ties immediately!
What sort of mommy issues?
Wow … dude .. ok yeah , I am a woman, and I just read all of the post and I have to say…I think you lead her on. You pushed her into a relationship that she didn’t want..she thought was not appropriate, and then told her you cared about her…loved her and then…let her fall in love with you …knowing she was and still didn’t shut it down , you pretended like you loved her back , talking about having kids and marriage…and then she wants a commitment and you shut her down.. Wow man That’s not ok She will never trust another man ever You were her best friend and we trust our best friends to shoot us straight ..not lie to us…then you were her lover too…and you tricked her ..her ability to trust a man with her heart is shattered…. I would be so devastated and heartbroken Best thing you can do is say you’re sorry and leave her alone The more you involve yourself in her life , the more you will hurt her. Walk away and let her heal Not cool man I hope you made the right choice Cause I bet she is a great woman I’m sorry you don’t see that you were wrong ..cause that part would suck the most for me… Good luck in love. I hope she finds peace and you find what you are looking for in someone else
It's weird if you're okay with your friends doing it but not him, as he should be your best friend and partner for life. I think there is a deeper issue in you trying to find this perfect partner and putting new standards onto your current boyfriend.
Think about why did you fall for him in first place, why wasn't it an issue before? Maybe you have some trauma from a parental figure?
Thing is, we cannot change people, and if you're unhappy then you should seek therapy and find the root cause of the sudden change.
Could the fact your contributing to your sister's affair be a factor in his asking for the contribution to his families ? If you are paying for him at your families than he should be willing to pay for his families and I would ask him what he why he doesn't understand the concept. Plus, if he still thinks you should, you should decline.
You should be reading this as “helpful”. It IS.
How would this situation work? How do I be with him without being with him?
The moment you grabbed her in anger you were done. You then grab her, pin her wrists, move her against a wall, physically intimidate her, yell at her, and then take her clothing off to make her feel less because you have to dominate her at this time to make yourself feel that you are bigger/better/stronger/more.
This is a take a loot at yourself and get some help about how to fix your self esteem issue that your partner teasing you doesn't start with, “Uhh, where did that come from?” but escalated to absolute rage and physical actions.
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You always want to soft-pedal any disagreements you have in public. But behind closed doors you're absolutely entitled to your own opinion. If you disagree on major issues this requires a lot of diplomacy. If he's telling you that you can't speak your mind even in private that's what's called “controlling”. Couples that find themselves on the opposing sides of things can only usually last if they adopt a “agree to disagree” mantra. That said, when it comes to your family it is your job to run interference. You don't have to say your partner is right if you think he's wrong but you do have to convince both sides to not discuss the issues they disagree on. Good luck.
I'd be getting rid of one. It wouldn't be the dog. Why would you yell and scream at a dog? Dogs and animals alike are innocent creatures. She Obviously doesn't care about the poor dog or your opinion for that matter. That's just me though. I have a passion for animals. I own 3 dogs and 2 ferrets. I walk my dogs everyday rain, shine, sleet, snow. It's 9 degrees right now here I live! with a -3 windchill. I just took my dogs out to potty. She doesn't deserve the dog.
You waited until paragraph 6 to mention this is a long distance relationship?
If you want to get blocked, don't accept the break and keep pestering her.
You're right. I will show him tomorrow. He's getting ready to leave for work now. I brought it up a little and he said she doesn't work with him tonight which is kind of relieving.
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment.
My oldest's father is a different person and still completely involved but my partner has definitely been in his life more than he hasn't so I know the change will be very hot on him too. I agree though, they're be better off seeing us both happy and succeeding rather than in one unhappy situation.
The problem is that I'm just done. I just feel drained and like I can't keep fighting. He not a bad partner and he's a great dad for the most part, but I'm done personally. We can't grow from there.
Thank you so much again!
I'm trying to put myself in his spot to see how I would react and perceive it.
It can be very easily taken the wrong way and create tension.
There's this story that happened to me that maybe could shine a light to this, a few years ago I met someone who was basically like a personified checklist of everything I ever wanted the perfect partner to be, to the T.
I went through with it and dated her, I loved her but couldn't truly fall in love with her, even if we were seemingly absolutely perfect for each other, even everyone agreed.
It made me realize she's better as a best friend, very close best friend. That getting along and feeling happy with someone doesn't necessarily invoke romantic interest. I just truly enjoyed her company and felt genuinely happy spending time together but nothing beyond that.
Sometimes we get talked into developing crushes over people we love being around because of how “it's supposed to be” that two people of the opposite gender who love being together must have romantic interest.
There is no way someone who admits they hate you gets alone time with your child. Please sit down with your husband and make it clear to him.
When I was growing up and battling live! we found dying our hair with box dye killed all the lice. Might be worth a try. We’d just dye the same color we had.
Marriage will not change his outlook. Be prepared to be called a gold digger until you or he passes away. This man makes double your salary you were paying 80% of the rent? I think you should take a break from this relationship and re-evaluate.
This doesn’t need to be a thing. He’s your ex, stop talking to him.
she wasn’t. bro just take some time and really process this situation. because what happened is obvious to everyone reading this
idk i feel like i just dont get what she means. ive gotten her things like a customized digital framed poster of her, a silver ring, and some craft gifts like a ceramic mug i painted on and things of that sort. basically things of sentimental value but she says she would appreciate gifts that can be of use more but idrk what that means
but I’ve never caught them redhanded like this before.
Caught them? Red-handed? They're not fucking committing a crime spending time together without you. Your sister likely lied to you, specifically, so she didn't have to deal with your truly awful attitude.
Thats no excuse for her, my bf told me he is waiting for marriage the first day we started talking, and i have had two sexual partners in the past and we were open and talked about everything, and what it would be like when we are married and able to have sex. We have been together for a year and still talk about sex and what we'd like to end up doing together.
He will do things which I find really sweet. He will do all the chores, cook a nice dinner , take me out to get ice cream and cuddle me and run his hands down down head and sort of pet me
Why is this third so obsessed with you why didn’t you kick him out when he got mad y’all were spending intimate time together.what made him feel he can talk down to your ex why didn’t he keep him out then why was he able to stay so long
When dealing with someone who has lost their spouse , you have to take out your own needs from this equation . If they had wanted to discuss this with you , they would have . I've read your follow up comments as to why you want to do this, and all of them have something in common , me, me , me .
In short , you don't . You can reflect on your choices that you made that are making you feel guilty about not reaching out , you can interrogate your internal thought processes around why you are so worried about the cause – is there something in your own lifestyle that is causing you anxiety that this might happen to you . But what you should not do is question a bereaved partner to assuage your own curiosity / fears / guilt
Everyone grieves differently , but that does not remove our need to be thoughtful in how we handle others pain. If you have a look at ring theory that might help you understand how inappropriate your actions would be
If he wants to meet, ask him to come to your country.
Also, this age gap and the ages you met at are incredibly inappropriate. Groomer springs to mind, and that's the very best case scenario. The worst case scenario is you will lose your life to him. Please be sensible, listen to the other comments here, DO NOT go to his country to visit him.
In an ideal world, block him, forget about him, and meet someone your own age who's actual local enough to meet in a safe place.
Yes, it’s terrible that the child is with his monster of a father. However, at least this way he will have a living mother to find and connect with when he is older.
That is a delusional Disney fairy tale. Why would this child want anything to do with her after she abandoned him to his criminal, abusive, rapist father?
I understand her mental health is fragile. What do you think that child's mental health will be like growing up with only a monster for a father and a mother who abandoned him?
???? you looked like a baby. does she think there's some kind of mythic supermodel baby out there? why would she even care?? imagine you did raise a child with her and when the kids grew up they became unattractive–how is she going to treat them? that's so concerning (and cruel)
Keep in mind the gym boy is not the disease, he’s the symptom. There’s an unmet need she has, and the fact that she said your name I think implies she’d rather have that need met by you than by him. Find out what it is, and then you can heal together! But if you just punish her and restrict her the disease will get worse, even if the symptoms disappear.
That’s why you never move someone into your place. If they wanna cohabit it has to be a rental with both names on the lease. He can lose half of his place now to a leech
There’s no rule as to how long you have to wait till you start dating/sleeping with someone else.
You don’t own her. Leave her alone.
And resentment is poison in a relationship.
He's a mummy's boy. Good luck with that.
her and her mom live! in our house I wouldn't even know where to begin with that and also I try to just talk about it and she just gets super defensive
If she is seeking help and doing the leg work to get better there is definitely a chance to get back together, but would take it at a turtle pace. There is no need to rush it, and if she doesn't show any improvements to be a better person you can always call it quits. It's not your job to manage her mental health. It's her job which I understand is a tough task due to her childhood.
I only have footage of him entering the house and rummaging through some things outside. I also have him stealing a lighter lmao but… Not my priority.
Has he got a learning disorder of some sort? Does he have difficulty understanding you? 'Cause otherwise he is using this to control you. It is a way of slowing you down, making you hesitate to speak for fear of being corrected instead of being heard. He is not validating your concerns but correcting you like a child.
If he can understand what your meaning is, he needs to shut up and listen. To do anything else is extremely disrespectful. I suspect that he will say you are disrespecting him if you don't deliver the message exactly as he wants it. Ask him, does he correct his peers or his boss? Does he correct people he sees as his equals? I doubt it.
He sees you as the lesser person, someone beneath him. He is your teacher and you need to learn your lessons. /s If he saw you as his equal, this would not be an issue. So what are you going to do about this? You can try marriage counseling to see if the light comes on. But if he is not willing to go or change, you have to decide if you really want to play second fiddle to his ego.
Hear from him? The dude is most likely in the process of changing his identity, moving out of the country, and starting a new life.
He a goner! You don’t recover from that :))))
Sometimes when the flags are this red & he’s a boyfriend, NOT a husband, you can simply just leave.
He sounds like the prelude to a murder suicide story. I don’t like it.
Being frustrated in the moment doesn’t make you a horrible person. You can act like an asshole without being a horrible person.
?
You both need room to grow as adults. Respect his wishes, even if it’s not what you want right now. He’ll come back to you if it’s “meant to be.”
While i don't think there's anything wrong with guys chatting between themselves about a very hot coworker/person they saw at the local shops etc, is a problem at all, i too would be upset if i saw my partner and his mates sharing OTT sexual conversation and comments and pictures etc. Personally, if u wanna watch porn etc, who cares, but chatting to ur mates in a group chat and talking about ppl u see in real life, i dno. Something just feels a bit off about it. Everyone has their limits of what they find acceptable or not.
y’all are YOUNG. I’m saying this not because that’s the cause , I’m saying this because luckily you have plenty of time to learn from this.
The fact that she’s 20 and you’re MARRIED tells me it either happened fast or happened for reasons … but you’re learning why it’s usually better to wait until you know who that person is as an adult before legally binding yourself to them.
Learn from this , get back on track and make better choices , and tell her that she’s either gonna do the same or be single.
Dude, you may think you're being reasonable but in reality you are being possessive and controlling. You got into a relationship with her in the full knowledge that she will be deployed for months at a time and then when she's getting ready to ship out, you start raising your concerns/insecurities.
I hate to break it to you but men make up 50% of the population and that means any girlfriend of yours will be in constant contact with them. If they want to cheat they will, regardless of whether they are on shore or on the ship.
You are still young and there is hope for you and your future relationships. Please get therapy
Then she can be alone, just like you probably are.
“Temporarily take a break” aka he's hoping to fck alot of women.
Ok yes. That IS funny because they are being ironic. I'm talking about joking around a more sensitive Point tho. Like here in the post, financial thing can be very sensitive for men and saying something like “I'm only with her for her cooking” or something for women…can be quite rude. That was my point.
On another note, thanks for the hilarious anecdote, I hope they're doing well still…
Yeah, but this isn't something they can find middle ground on. This is a deal breaker. I'm a believer that settling for anything children-wise is a recipe for a disaster for everyone involved, including the kid.
This was my exact reasoning. It scares me but he tries to reassure me all the time. It’s making me panic. He only tells me that I’ll come to terms with everything but that isn’t true
I think you'll find out a lot of people who are similar to OPs date.
I think you'll find out a lot of people who are similar to OPs date.