My wife (33F) and am (28M) have been married for just two years and are expecting the first child in August. My wife and mom (42F) have always had a courteous but somewhat distant connection since they were introduced. (Mom' s age is not a typo; she had a very hard childhood and had me when she was 14. ) Although I wish they had a warmer relationship, I understand that not all in-laws turn out to be close and didn' big t want to force anything, specifically as we live about one thousand miles from Mom and I am still able to have got my own relationship with her. I assumed that the main issue is that my wife and mom are fairly close up in age which made things a bit awkward (my wife had previously just said that they " didn' t click" or that she felt awkward about my mom).
Despite getting me so young, my friend has been a wonderful (single) parent. I know that my origins are unfortunately the result of mistreatment from an older person yet that when she was expectant, a friend' s mom and dad took us in, which usually allowed her to finish high school and then attend college. As soon as she finished college she was able to get a good job as being a financial analyst and we moved to our own place, and then the lady was just like any other mother if a bit younger. Our home was always warm and loving. I provide this as background info to confirm that my mom did engage in any toxic or hurtful behavior.
The one issue my mom had was that, since she was focused on trying to puzzle out how to support and raise me, she did not actually deal with the effects of the mistreatment she suffered. She failed to use " substances" yet did develop a food addiction and became super morbidly obese (close to five hundred pounds by the time she was in her mid-30s). I was within college by this time; when I was a kid she steadily got heavier but I don' t remember that this negatively impacted my childhood. The girl addiction was more of a personal thing and she did cook healthy, balanced meals plus encouraged me to stay active and play sports. I did not and have never a new weight problem myself.
When she hit her higher weight, Mom realized the lady needed help and finally obtained the therapy needed to address the girl trauma. She lost 200+ pounds over the next few years and has gradually lost more weight since then, and even used hiking and walking marathons. Now she is about 225 pounds which is still " obese" but not morbidly so. She is 5' 10" which means she actually is technically about 50 lbs overweight but her as well as therapy team think she actually is in a great place from where she has been.
My wife is pretty anti-fat because her father was overweight and died of a heart attack whenever she was 12. And now that my wife is pregnant, she is saying she does not really want our child to have any kind of relationship with my mom, unless of course my mom loses weight down to a BMI of twenty five or less. She states that if something happens to my friend because of her weight it can be too traumatic, plus she actually is worried our child is going to be exposed to an unhealthy lifestyle. I realize my wife' s anxieties but I think this is very unjust to my mom, because (a) my mom' s healthcare team doesn' t suggest additional weight loss (and specifically would not recommend trying to accident diet and lose 50 pounds in 6-7 weeks to meet my wife' h requirement), and (b) my friend does maintain a healthy plus active lifestyle as evidenced by her 275-pound weight reduction that she has maintained for a few years now.
My wife isn' t budging and I don' t want to put stress on her and argue with her while she is pregnant (she is having a horrible time with morning sickness), but I know my mom will be heartbroken if she doesn' t get to have a relationship with her grandchild. How should I sort this out?
TLDR: My pregnant wife doesn' t want my mom to get a relationship with our child due to the fact my mom is overweight and my wife is afraid that will either my mom will perish young and traumatize the child or that my mom will be a bad influence. I believe this is unfair because my mom has already lost over 200 pounds even if she still remains somewhat overweight and he or she does have a healthy and energetic lifestyle. I would love several advice on how to sort through the priorities here.
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