This is an update to this post from yesterday.
I made the decision to not speak until he did and to bring this up at the earliest point when he engaged.
So after some rest, this morning I woke up to a lovely breakfast in bed, and when I went to the bathroom and kitchen my husband had obviously been around cleaning and tidying (not unusual, except that he did this while I was asleep). When he realised I was awake, he came in to ask me how I'm feeling and I said physically the same but emotionally terrible, not helped by his statement.
He looked embarrassed and horrified and immediately started apologising. He said he realises how heartless and crass that sounded and promised that he didn't mean it. He said he can't imagine how I'm feeling, physically, emotionally, mentally with everything that has happened because knows what he's feeling – the sadness at the loss of the pregnancy and the worry because of the surgery and being horribly aware that there's nothing he can do – are all a fraction of what I must be feeling.
He said that he was tired and not thinking properly and made an awful, tasteless joke. He realised how awful it was and that's why he left the room after I answered how I did, and he said he wasn't ignoring me – he knew I was upset and didn't want to breakdown in front of me because he didn't want it to seem like I should also be worrying about him any more than I already have. He also said he realised that his 'joke' had already done that and he felt like a dickhead when he realised.
He said he doesn't want sex, he doesn't want a blowjob, he would like to cuddle but he's afraid to because he doesn't know if that would be painful for me, he's worried that I am upset with him and blame him somehow for the pain I'm in because he got me pregnant in the first place but was reluctant to say that because it sounds like he's worried about himself.
No one is perfect, and he certainly has his flaws (and a failing sense of humour apparently) but I posted here because this was so out of character and I know I'm not completely rational at the moment so wanted other people's opinions.
I was angry at him, still am, and anticipated a lot of the 'leave/divorce' comments, because I see how awful his comment was. I think that he is struggling to process everything and suggested he talk to someone about everything. He has arranged a call with a counsellor for Monday evening and has also promised he will talk to his older brother (36) that he has a great relationship with.
I think we will likely need to have some counselling together because even though I believe his apology, I am very upset that he would say something like that.
Special thanks to everyone who sent messages of sympathy about the miscarriage and to those who wished me strength.
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