I (20F) feel violated and like my trust was betrayed by my boyfriend (20M) of one year. I have a history with sexual assault when I was younger and my bf knows this. He keeps saying how angry he feels that I had to go through that and stuff.
Yesterday morning, I had gotten back from a morning class and got back to my room where my bf was. I got on the bed and was gonna take a quick nap before starting my work when my bf got ok top of me and started kissing me. I told him I wasn’t in the mood to have sex but he just kept grinding against me groping/putting his mouth on my chest and kept going. I kept telling him to please stop multiple times and turning my face away from him but he wouldn’t stop. I eventually laid down on my stomach so he’d stop but instead, he had put a condom on and he had sex with me from behind. I didn’t physically fight back or anything I just let him do it which makes me feel like he though I consented. I wasn’t wet at all and I told him it hurt and he wouldn’t stop. I also told him to stop doing it so naked and he didn’t stop until he finished.
I cried after it and I got mad at him and he said that I just have a victim complex and always want to be the victim. I asked him why he didn’t stop after I said no so many times and he just shrugged and said “i was horny” and that he “had needs too”. He said that its not always about me and that sometimes I don’t listen when he tells me something. Like an example he gave was that one time he asked me not to go out with my friends but I did anyway. He also said that it cant always be him doing stuff for me. I kept asking why he did it even when I said no and that I wasn't in the mood and he just kept saying that since he was in the mood, that he did it.
I just don’t know why he did this. He knows my past and I had literally consented to him multiple times the night before. I kept trying to talk to him about it and he'd get mad about me always finding problems and then he was like "we never talk about the stuff you do that bothers me" and he forced me to stop talking and like "lectured" me about how I'm a bad texter and I never plan stuff, we never do fun stuff together and etc.
He left and I just curled up in bed and cried and just laid there for a few hours. I physically could not get myself to get up because this has happened to me before and this is just the last person I ever expected to do this to me. I don't think it was SA because I guess I didn't physically fight back but it just feels awful, I feel so used. I tried to like be normal when he texted me but I feel disgusting right now I haven't showered or like been able to eat very much.
He's my first relationship and the first person I've consensually had sex with. How should I go about this situation? Should I try talking to him again about it? How can I get him to see my side? Also what can I do to motivate myself to get out of bed and feel good again?
TLDR; My (20F) boyfriend (20M) had sex with me after I said I didn't want to multiple times. He refuses to listen to me when I tried talking to him about it. What should I do?
submitted by /u/BirthdayAgile4865
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