I (32F) made the poor decision to look at my husband’s (35M) messages. I don’t know why. I know it was wrong and I regret I ever did it. We’ve been together almost a decade and I’ve never felt the desire to do so, before. I saw that he and his friend spend a good amount of time on escort websites and (according to him) “making up” hookup scenarios for comedy. They read as if he’s meeting women while I’m at work. I confronted him, now he claims I made him feel suicidal and he wants a divorce.
Here’s where I need advice:
Over the years we’ve gone back and forth through long periods of emotional and verbal abuse on his part. It started about a year into the relationship, while he was going through a difficult time, and it comes in cycles. He’d lose his temper and yell at me about any and everything. He’s been so hypercritical that I now see a therapist for anxiety because I get so scared of upsetting or failing him. I’m also always on edge because I don’t know when things will fall apart again. I discussed this with him and he claims he’s never said anything to tear me down. He also denies yelling at me (“I was just talking loud”). My counselor is concerned about my self esteem and self confidence. After the initial assessment, she said it was looking like severe anxiety. I also cry almost every day.
My mother, friends, and family have also noticed that I don’t go out much without him. When I do, I don’t stay out long or too late because he gets upset. He also starts arguments before I leave, and calls/texts me angry messages while I’m out. He didn’t want me to hang out with my friends and my sister because he claims he doesn’t like them. When my friend had a baby shower for her first baby, he texted me ugly messages the entire way there. He accuses me of infidelity or trying to attract other men when I go places and when I wear outfits that fit (meaning my size, not tight). If I try to talk about it we argue. If I mention counseling he says no. Whenever I don’t back down he threatens to divorce me.
He’s tried repeatedly to convince me not to work. He even said it makes him uncomfortable when I leave the house. We’ve had more than one argument because I said good morning to male coworker or he heard them speaking in the background. He accuses me of wanting to be seen if I come out of our room while his friend is visiting or if I dare to go in the store. He literally threw a fit at me for going inside the pharmacy instead of using the drive thru. He expects me to order everything delivery or only purchase from drive thrus and pick up locations.
Mind you, he goes where he wants freely, speak to who he wants, and come home when he wants. I’m not allowed to have male friends, but he has female friends. He denies everything, any time I try to discuss it.
When it’s happening it doesn’t seem like a lot, but typing it does. My initial response to his divorce request was to try to work through it. At this point, after thinking over, I’m wondering if I should just let him go. Does it even seem worth fighting for?
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