Okay, so this is a bit of a long one, so strap in.
I have been married to my first and only girlfriend for 12 years now. About five years ago, she came out to me as a lesbian. At the time, she said that she didn't want anything to change between us, but it did mean that she was obviously sexually attracted to women.
We hadn't done anything about it for the first year or so after that. Then one day in the car she was feeling very depressed, and that she was really longing for the attention of a woman. The exact words I used were "Well I want you to have the things that make you happy". That was it, no further discussions were had about it that night.
The next day, she was on Tinder looking for a date. We had not discussed this, I did not consent to this arrangement. However, the way she was talking, it seemed like I either accept this or loose her, so I accepted it.
She had a few dates before she landed a girl that she started seeing on a regular basis, and eventually having regular sex with. This REALLY fucked me up. I was not comfortable with it. I told her that when she came home that unless I specifically ask, I don't want to know a single detail about what went on. Which kind of hurt me to be honest. She's my best friend, so naturally I want her to be able to talk about things that make her happy, but I simply could not handle it. I also could not handle being physical with her immediately after. I felt like an afterthought, like it was a pity fuck or something.
Eventually, they both approached me and asked if I wanted to watch them have sex. A lot of guys dreams, right? Well, I had a bad feeling going in, but I had that thought that I might regret saying no, so I went along with it. I spent the entire time curled up, sitting on the floor with my knees to my chest, just rocking back and forth. To be fair, they asked me multiple times if I was okay, but I didn't want to spoil their fun, so I lied and said that I was.
It sent me into what ended up being my first ever panic attack. Remembering that night, I'm having to keep one at bay even typing this. Her GF had panic attacks all the time, so once I was able to start talking again, she helped me with a few techniques that might help with future attacks.
Anyway, that relationship didn't end the best, and we moved on. During this time is where things started getting really bad between my wife and I. She kept pushing for us to move away. I had lived in the same place my whole life, my family is there, and we had a good thing going, so I resisted moving. She also got a new GF another town over, that she was absolutely taken with. She began telling me that she's not attracted to me anymore, and kept threatening to move away on her own and leave me if I didn't agree to go with her. At one point she told me that she doesn't enjoy sex with me at all anymore. This was just after we had finally made arrangements to move back to her hometown, which is halfway across the country.
During the ride there, we got bruttaly honest with one another, but ultimately agreed that this could be a fresh start for us. She actively wanted me to search for other women to have sex with, but I never wanted that. I just wanted her. But just to humor her, I did give it a try, and even went on a couple of dates.
At the end of one of those dates, I picked my wife up, and she was really drunk. On the ride home, she admitted that she had been trying to get rid of me. Doing things to break my will in the hopes that I would finally agree to leave. She was still seeing her GF long distance, and had already planned a a long weekend in a city four hours away, that was intended to basically be a long weekend of fucking, none of which was discussed with me.
That night I was up all night, and I did try to kill myself. And after that, we tried to be cool with one another, but I didn't want her to touch me, I found it very hot to talk to her without being hostile and bitter. I felt useless. Like nothing I ever did mattered, nor will it ever matter. It made me extremely angry. Which, I hate being angry. Being angry makes me angry because I hate it. And I felt that for so long.
Things did get better though. She came with me to see my councillor, and I left the office being completely convinced that we were done for good. I don't know what happened between there and the ride home (which was largely silent), but when we did get home, I couldn't look at her, I was just softly crying to myself. She grabbed my hands, and tilted my chin upwards, and said "What if he was right?" I asked what she meant? She said "Well, everyone has been telling me that I'm throwing away a good thing here, and that I'm, the asshole. So maybe we should try this again?" I again asked what she meant exactly. She said "How about this, no other girls, no more open relationship, just me and you, that's it?".
I asked if she was serious, to which she just nodded her head yes and said "You've got me back babe!". Well, I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried for close to an hour out of sheer joy and relief!
So, happy ending, right?
Well, mostly. She has very clearly been trying extremely hot with me. She knows she hurt me deeply, and she's trying to make up for it. We're both trying super hot.
I just have these lingering feelings of resentment. Like, she fucked me up permanently. She has four older brothers that all know what's been going on between us behind the scenes, and her own brothers said I should leave her! They fucking sided with me, and they love their sister to death!
I still find intimacy really hard. Like, I want to feel wanted, but it's pretty hard when she almost never initiates. It seems if she wants to get off, she'd still rather reach for her wand than see if I'm up for a round.
She says lots to make me feel still wanted, she just rarely initiated any form of intimacy, and that makes me feel like I'm still playing second fiddle to women somehow.
I know this is a long ass read, but I would love to get Reddit's opinion on the situation.
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