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1. For background, cause I know it might be asked about and I’m sorry it’s so long.

   I come from a divorced household, young parents. situation where the kids raise the parents type deal except they were both incredibly unhealthy and toxic in their own ways, pretty much polar opposites too. dad is Muslim, mom is atheist, black, white, you get it. Dad was toxic in bigoted ways, homophobic and misogynistic mainly. He was a serial cheater and I’ve never truly forgiven him for breaking my mothers heart. I’ve always seen him with a good heart just raised around years and years of toxic black masculinity which he passed to my brother. My mom was toxic mentally. Very emotionally abusive, bpd, yells a LOT and has this just absolute ability to tear down any self esteem one might have in themself. They separated when I was four and FINALLY divorced when I was 12. At 11 mom had gotten pregnant with twins by an old flame who divorced his wife for cheating. I never truly got along with her baby daddy and now husband. I was a bit of an asshole in my teenage years and I am so ashamed of how bad I got but even now I know it was just a sad girl looking for help. I’ve always maintained that I was going to be the person for my sisters that I so desperately needed when I was them.

   I ended up getting my own apartment when I was 17 and graduated and moved out as soon as I could. My mother was emotionally abusive and my brother was allowed to be physically abusive towards me and I wanted to get the hell OUT. From the moment I moved out of her house for good I’ve been dedicated to rewriting the unhealthiness that my parents instilled in me. I force my self to be aware of my toxicity and do all that I can to work towards being the healthiest and most productive person I possibly can be. I’ve gone in and out of therapy, have gotten psych evals to see if I inherited her bpd (I did and am now on medication for it), if you ask anyone of my friends or partner now about me they’d tell you I’m always telling people that growth is not linear, to allow yourself to feel your emotions in order to let them go, and pushes for healthy and productive communication, communication, communication.

   but they never let me move forward, they never let me escape the person I was, and even more the heightened person of who I was which they see me as. i used to HATE myself for who I was as a teenager but I had to forgive myself in order to grow and be better. it’s like they won’t forgive and forget. I’ve cried and apologized for who I was. our relationship now is so bipolar, it depends on the day and whether or not she wants to antagonize me for something I did today or six months ago. Four months ago I finally worked up the courage to go NC and blocked both mom, husband, and brother. within a week my mom was in the hospital suffering a blood clot in her lungs. I blamed myself and unblocked thus continuing relationship.

   But I can’t do this anymore. I just want to live! a happy and healthy life but they refuse to let me. They refuse to be healthy themselves. my father has gotten help, he has fixed his toxicity. He has made amends for his ignorance and bigotry and shows shame for being the person he was. My mother has never, and at this point I don’t think she will ever. She’s a classic narcissist and I think it’s near impossible for them to see the flaws in their ways – unless they want to. I thought almost dying would be a wake up call but NOPE. I feel I will never be the healthiest person i can be when she has this raw ability to make me feel so small over and over again and bring me back to the brink of that hurt and angry person I once was and am so scared of going back to. All my family is just psychologically fucked from years of bad parenting but I feel like the only one dedicated to stopping the tradition of using bad mental health as an excuse to be an asshole.

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2. Wow, didn't know relationships had conditions.

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