We've been married for 7 years and together for nearing 12 years. We're best friends and have been since the day we met. I love her deeply and she loves me deeply and for all of our flaws we're happy together.
The problem started our first year of dating. We were hooking up after a night out and trying to talk dirty I asked if she wanted my "big ****" and she kinda laughed and said yea but I could tell by the look on her face she didn't think it was. It led to a lengthy conversation where basically I learned for the first time that I'm in fact below average. I never thought I was large to be clear, but I didn't think I was small.
Perhaps my worst mistake was I asked just how much smaller I was that other guys she had seen and she said it wasn't the length she noticed most but how thin it is. I was pretty much speechless.
I didn't bring it up again for years hoping that it would be something that I was able to move past but it wasn't. Our relationship was amazing in every other way but her words consumed me and made me hate myself and my body. Eventually she asked me one morning when I said I wasn't in the mood if I was still insecure about it and wanted to talk. I said yes and she agreed to tell me the truth so that I could hopefully heal and our sex life get back to how it used to be.
She told me I was probably 30% smaller in volume from most of the guys she'd been with and probably half the volume of the biggest ever guy. I was the smallest guy she had been with. She was honest that yes if she had a magic wand she would probably make me and inch or two longer and a finger width thicker because it did feel better but she still loved having sex with me.
While I think she was trying to show her love by being honest hearing that every other guy she slept with felt better than me has completly broken what little confidence I had left. I have looked into SPH and other stuff like that but it just isn't something I'm into. She has dildos that are the size she described said felt best to her that I know she uses when she thinks I'm asleep and I just feel like she settled for me because I'm a great partner and father.
I'm not getting a divorce but I'm also at a complete loss for how to heal our relationship.
If you're a guy: have you ever been in a situation like this and how did you recover? Did you stay with the women? Did therapy help and how did you bring it up to the therapist?
If you're a women: is the difference in size a radical difference in how sex feels? Am I overblowing this completely or is this a truth that most women just never tell their partners? Do any of you feel like you settled for guys with a smaller penis because your partner would make a good father?
TLDR My wife confirmed I have a small penis and the truth is breaking me and our marriage
Edit #1: Since I have been asked privately several times already, I am 4.7in long x 4.4in girth.
Edit #2: So as I said in the comments, we did go on a break about three years into our relationship for about two weeks and she did sleep with another guy. She doesn't know I know but I wrongly went through her phone and saw the messages on her phone to her best friend that said how "big" and "amazing" his **** felt. That is also fueling my feeling of insecurity.
UPDATE:
Based on many of your suggestions, I finally sat down with my wife and talked through everything. I talked through how I feel, how long this has been eating at me, and most importantly – that I know she slept with someone on our break and I heard her praise for him based on size.
At first it was incredibly positive but it went downhill badly.
She stated by reaffirming how much she loved having sex with me and how much she just wanted to be with me. It was much of the same lines until I brought up what I found out about our break. She was really angry I invaded her privacy which I agree with but she said she didn’t want to talk about it because it was private to her and I didn’t need to know. I reminded her that we are married and even if I shouldn’t have known that this is impacting our marriage and future and so I needed to know why it was ok to sleep with someone during the break.
I wish I never asked.
She told me that he had been pursuing her the prior year but she had ignored him and been firm with him that she was happy with me. But, when we went on a break he saw her ig post and messaged her and they sexted and basically she was angry, horny, and thought he was hot so they hooked up.
She said the reason she didn’t want to tell me was because (1) it was the best sex shes ever had (not just size but that it did play a part) and (2) because she continued to see him until we got engaged about a year and a half later.
I died on the inside.
She said she felt terrible at the time and she still does today. She knows it was cheating and she wished she had told me but she knew I was insecure and didn’t want to make things worse. She said the reason she slept with him is he would go down on her way longer than me, the sex felt better because of his girth, and her orgasms were more intense and usually she had multiple.
I asked if she at least used condoms as she made me wear condoms until we started trying for kids and she said often no as because he was thicker she could feel the condom more and it didn’t feel good. The fact she could have given me something makes me so angry on top of the fact that he came inside her way before I ever did.
She said when I proposed to her she realized that she needed to be an adult and that I was a catch and would make her happy in the long term so she broke things off with him and has not been with anyone else since.
I asked if she stayed in contact with him at all or ever still fantasized about it and she said not often but there were times.
I’’m totally devastated. I told her that I thought our relationship might be over and she understood. We obviously have two young daughters so I don’t know how things are going to work out. She’s currently staying with her parents and the kids while I figure things out.
It gets worse though. I obviously felt betrayed a bit so I snooped through her computer to see if she was telling the truth or at least there weren’t any obvious other lies. That was incredibly stupid because I found photos and two videos of the two of them as well as some of her ex’s in a folder hidden in her music folder. I can’t ever unsee these.
I feel so angry and depressed at the same time.
So I guess moral of the story is I don’t think this was ever just about my penis size although clearly that was a problem for her. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over feeling less than adequate going forward now and I feel like we have to get divorced. I love my daughters but cheating is cheating even if it was when we were just dating. The fact that she never told me before we got married for me is a deal breaker. If she had told me maybe but I just feel like a second place trophy.
All the women on here that messaged about your partner being similar to me and sex being amazing still I really hope to meet someone like you. That said, I feel so broken now as I still love my wife. Sadly, I feel like she was never fully in love with me.
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