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Tip 69 for 7 minutes in heaven Snapchat show!!!
Date: October 8, 2022
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Lived in a house with 5 girls in uni, I saw all of their boobs at one point or another over the two years I lived there. Nothing sexual about it.
In the last ten years of my relationship it has varied from periods of three times a day to two times a month and everywhere in between. The only thing I can tell you is that none of those spats of time felt wrong or otherwise “more right”. If everybody is happy and satisfied, you’re doing it right.
Um I'd leave after just once
Just host Xmas at your house and invite everyone. That way, you’re not choosing, they are. They can come and see the grandkids or stay home.
I was recently in almost the same exact position as you. Had a great relationship, but was quite stressed and anxious because I just wasn’t happy with where I was in life for various reasons (long story short).
I made the tough decision to leave the relationship and follow the path of focusing on myself and making myself satisfied first. I think it’s the right call, even though I do miss the relationship. It’s been a big journey of self exploration.
Being happy and confident in yourself for sure affects others and the relationships you’re in. I think you have to be fulfilled with yourself before you can truly open up and be comfortable in a relationship.
All that being said, perhaps you can explore a therapy-based option without leaving the relationship? Good luck 🙂
Maybe I was not as clear as I thought I had been. My apologies. Hopefully, I can explain it better this time (I completely understand that, with so much going on and the emotional involvement it can be sometimes difficult to make sense of things: been there, done that, got the T-Shirt! 🙂 )
Anyway, back to what I was saying…
(Intermission: I just looked back over what I have responded with in this response and realize it is a LONG read. I truly hope you do read all of it and it is not too rambling or incoherent. I can tell by your post and responses that you are being genuine and this internet stranger, my wife, our son, and our puppies all want you to come out the other side of this as a stronger person and, hopefully, a stronger couple. Know your worth as a person. Know what you can and cannot tolerate and do not compromise on your boundaries. Hopefully it will make sense as you read.)
Your quote from my post about trusting the gut when there has not been any reason to question his behavior in the past…
This is something that I have personally struggled with as it was my gut going off when I was married to my ex wife–the same for my now wife when she was married to her ex-husband. We both have had enough experiences in life (me, 42M, and my wife, 46f (yes: I do love older women and my wife has aged like a fine wine)) to have plenty of reasons to doubt our gut feelings after being gaslighted as much as we both have by previous spouses and family to the point we did not trust our gut instinct. My experience was to such an extreme that it affected me to such a physical degree that I have had 2 surgeries for Crohn's Disease where, both times I had to have 2 arms' length of intestines removed–very long story, too long for here–and the same medical condition for which there is no cure but only remission. This was the ultimate outcome of ignoring my gut feeling.
My wife, who I met when we were married to our previous mistakes, initially thought I was being absurd the first couple of times my gut was telling me something, but, after each time proved to be correct that SOMETHING was amiss–while we did not know what at the time–was a huge enough issue/problem that my wife finally admitted that she knew she needed to trust my gut feeling, knowing everything that had occurred for us both with our previous marriage mistakes as we were both so relieved and comforted that, when we finally opened up to each other after our divorces, we knew that we needed to listen to our gut instinct.
To answer your last question to my response: trusting the gut of someone else really is a double edged sword, or a “crying wolf,” sort of conundrum as people who use it too much for no reason invalidate and lose the trust of those who believe them when they say that their gut is saying something is wrong. My wife has learned from experience with me in the 12 years of marriage and over 23 years of knowing each other that I do not cry wolf unless there is an actual F'ing wolf! It has definitely caused issues with her parents and family when my gut went off, but she knew to trust me and the fact that it has a 100% correct track record when I let her know it is telling me something is off.
So, what does this rambling explanation have to do with your situation? 1.) Obviously, your bf knows something you do not about his brother that has been triggered by his brother's expensive –and quite frankly RANDOM–gift to you. 2.) You do come off as very naive in your reaction to the gift, however, I also do understand not wanting to make a scene in front of the parents. 3.) YOU–yes: YOU, personally– NEED to return the gift and make it clear that, while you appreciate the gift, such an expensive gift is only appropriate coming from your BOYFRIEND and not his little brother as it stinks of little brother having a crush on you–which we all KNOW he will deny–and that is why you do need to be a bit gentle, yet firm, in making it clear that you find the gift inappropriate and cannot keep it. The only reason you did not outright refuse is due to you being put on the spot and went all “deer in the headlights.” 4.) As your boyfriend is not responding to you, if this were me (as a man), sending him an email or written letter expressing this and also completely acknowledging his feelings and recognizing that there is definitely something deeper going on and you understand that he is this upset and need him to help you understand what it actually is that set him off so furiously. Was it that his brother has tried this with prior girlfriends? Stolen/slept with prior girlfriends? Otherwise ruined relationships with prior girlfriends? You care about him deeply and truly want to understand why his reaction is so strong so that you can be the best partner you can be and, since you are not a mind reader, you need and WANT him to help you understand.
On the surface, you did nothing worthy of this extreme reaction, but, being 19 (when I met my ex wife and biggest mistake I have ever made) there are a lot of “school of hot knocks” life lessons and experiences that you have not had yet which makes you, quite literally, as naive as I was when I first met my ex wife. It is not a flaw. It is simply inexperience. In your shoes, I would most definitely, send an email or letter or go to his place if you feel you can and simply state, without any excuse or justification, that you realize that you hurt him when you did not refuse the gift, however, you are confused by his strong reaction to what, on the outside, seems like something rather innocent but you realize now that there can and probably is more behind it that you did not see. I can tell you did not want to cause a scene in front of his parents or brother and make things awkward. TELL HIM this flat out. Make it clear you understand the situation is F'ed up by his brother's actions without making excuses or trying to defend his brother's actions–that would be the WORST thing you can do. Just explain as simply as possible you were made uncomfortable by it and he is obviously upset about it, you want to return the gift, but you also realize you are missing key information and you WANT him to HELP you UNDERSTAND. Especially asking if something like this has happened prior. Show him you are on the same team and want to work on this as such.
This internet stranger and my family are all rooting for you both. Do not give up just because things get hard. As all the doggo videos and Facebook groups love to espouse: be a good HOOMAN. (No, not a mispelling.) Please, let us know how things go. My family and I all await, hopefully, good news.
I’ve brought that up but upon saying I realized that anything we come up with would never satisfy the other not enough time with me, not enough time with my hobby’s etc
So much to unpack here but I have just one question
What was the dumb niave choice? Helps give context for why she is not fond of you.
It’s not a game per se, they have extremely damaged self esteem and maladaptive ways of feeling validated.
If she can get OP to fuck her, it proves how special and desirable she is.
(She almost definitely doesn’t even consciously understand why she acts like that, most things of this nature don’t exist in the self-talk part of the brain)
This is psychotic.
I dont know… it just leaves me so confused. Because I get what you're saying, but i don't split my time between them to have to prioritize. If I'm being honest, I spend a lot of time with my gf and very little time with my bestie. Like I could see the logic if I was turning down my gf to chill with her… or canceling plans with my gf to chill with her… but that's never happened. But I get what you're saying, it's just a shit space to be in. Thanks for your insight ??
Its hot to say if this is merely an immaturity thing that she would grow out of, or if this is something engraved into her personality.
The demand for your attention (prioritizing her over your friends) is something I think can be outgrown and worked on.
However, when it comes to the constant accusation of cheating and saying you don't love her… that is when this turns into something real sour/more engraved into her.
I'll give you a rule of thumb: If you dedicate an appropriate amount of time to your reletionship where its a pillar in your life… and you're made to feel guilty about spending times with your friends… you're in for a rough a relationship.
I have been with my GF for 4 years… if she ever told me to “shut up”… we'd have some serious problems incoming. That alone is enough for me question who I am with.
The good does not out weigh the bad. They must be treated equally. Why? Because the bad is what causes the damage and results in the relationships to fail.
OP, take a breath. People here are trying to help you, regardless of whether you're getting the answers you were expecting/are looking for.
What your ex is doing to you is awful, and it's not an easy situation to navigate. I've been there myself, and while I don't want to scare you, it took me years to get the pictures removed. I completely understand why you're worried and upset, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Because of this there is even more reason for you to do every single thing suggested in this thread, regardless of whether you think it will be successful. You need to pursue shutting him down aggressively.
Contacting his family, friends and network is a good way to shame most people into doing the right thing. You're absolutely right that he may get more vindictive, but you cannot let that control your actions. If you do, you will allow his manipulation and coercion to control you for as long as he wants. You absolutely NEED to expose his behavior for what it is. This is the only way you take back your power. Contact the police and find out what rights you have. Can you open a report to have a paper trail and easy documentation, in case he does decide one day to upload the images? Talk to them about your right, and your course of action. They very often have counselors and specialists that can hear your story and help you figure out what to do next. Talk to a lawyer. This is what helped me the most, by far. The threat of legal action suddenly caused my objections to be taken seriously, and my right to personal property to be acknowledged. While I am not a lawyer, I suspect one may help you draft documents and threats of legal action if he does upload the images, will be enough to make him think twice. Take care of yourself. Having the trust of a previous confidante broken so violently is a big deal – be sure you're ok, and talk to someone about this is it overwhelms you. I had periods going through this where I never thought I would ever get back to normal, and the deception, stress and cruel indifference I met before I got a lawyer, hit me extremely hot. Don't be alone with this – reach out if you need to, my dms are always open.
You'll be ok. Best of luck with everything!
Her compromise:
Let's snuggle a bit and then sleep in separate beds
His compromise:
Let's be a normal couple that doesn't openly dislike sleeping together
OP, where’s her mom in all of this?
If you're actually considering dropping out of your education and compromising your future career opportunities AGAIN then you learned nothing from your previous experience.
Having a relationship with this lovely man and continuing your education are not mutually exclusive. Just slow down. If he is as invested in your future as a couple as you are, he will wait. The only way you should move before you've got your qualification is if you can transfer to a college wherever you move to, and get that in place before you go. If that's an option, great. But don't stop again.
What has helped my husband and I is to get a calendar and plan activities to do together. Hiking, picnics, museum visits, volunteering in something we can do together, movie nights on netflix (no screens allowed), on-line music at different venues etc. We try to do 2-3 free or very cheap things a week and 2 that cost money per month. We also have a no screen time at dinner plus 30 minutes a couple of nights a week. After dinner we chat over a cup of tea, play a little black jack or chess and connect. Even if we don’t take that 30 minutes together neither of us can use our screens to entertain ourselves. We can read, work on a hobby or clean house. Chatting is more fun. Boredom is self-perpetuating. Schedule your dates or the time will slip away.
You’re still glossing it over, so I’ll be blunt, are you trying to tell me that crying all day, her thinking she’s broken and disgusting is a normal healthy reaction to what is described as a mild issue (and yes I know what it is)?
A girlfriend is actually going to want to spend time with her boyfriend, other than just be there for sex. Sorry, but that's the reality. She did not make you take up an insane workload, plus playing in bands? Perhaps those band gigs are actually a problem? In reality YOU spend little time sitting around the house – while you are studying, working and in bands – you are not at home much. She's probably correct, you don't do as much fun stuff as a couple. You say the program you want to do is not available where you on-line, and she doesn't want to move. Honestly, at this point just break up. That's where this long complaint of her not understanding you and your problems is going… right? You are wanting us to confirm that you are awesome (well no not really) and she is unreasonable (again, no not really), so the option is to break up (just go ahead – at this point, free her to move on and find someone else).
Good luck with that studying, working, band thing.
You also don't cheat on your partner, but somehow you missed the memo.
Thank you- I am in therapy and have been forever, I love my therapist he is the best. I have all the tools I need to care for myself thankfully, but I’m having trouble finding a spot in conversations with her to leave. She just keeps going and going. It’s a constant problem, and I’m in a remote area so getting out to socialize is harder than usual. My partner is coming out here for a week soon:) He will be a great support for me. BEST OF LUCK to you as well in that similar situation.
If you’re not sexually compatible, take sex out of the equation. You can be close with someone without sex being a factor.
If you have to browbeat someone into agreeing to stay with you, it isn’t love. It’s just masochism. Let it go.
He says the thought of staying together with you is stressful enough to give him an ulcer ffs. Read the writing on the wall.
Have you thought about asking him why it's important to him? Maybe it symbolizes something you haven't considered.
Break up with her. Put the cheating aside for one minute and think so you really want to be with this kind of person? You’ll have your answer.
If you know, why don’t you just leave. If you’re not willing to leave then get over it, he doesn’t seem like he’ll be forthcoming anytime soon.
This is definitely the most likely scenario.
He made an unsolicited pass on her. She got extremely uncomfortable and changed her schedule to avoid him, but wanted to try to keep things polite so sent him a deflecting text about why. Then didn’t want to get more involved cause it’s between husband and wife, not her. She never wanted to be involved.
Poor woman AND OP.
So there are two entirely separate issues here: the football player/Snapchat, and the original cheating in the beginning of your relationship. Honestly, the first issue seems really innocuous to me – if she was trying to cheat she wouldn’t have told you he tried to kiss her or that they were snap chatting. It’s absolutely likely that he tried to kiss her without her actually giving him signs that she was interested – men in general are terrible about thinking a woman having a real conversation means a woman is flirting, drunk men are ten times worse.
That said, the original cheating is the issue. If you’ve never had reason to doubt her since the first part of your relationship, I think you shouldn’t break up and you’re letting insecurities drive you in a situation that really doesn’t matter. If you have had reason since (which directly contradicts you thinking she’s trustworthy), break up. I mean, you’re 20 and getting an education, I highly doubt this relationship is going to last forever anyway, so why agonize if it’s stressful enough you’re making Reddit posts?
If you're on a break and he can dick around. Then you’re on a break and you can also dick around.
If he can’t handle you getting laid then he needs to follow the same rules
If you want to give him the “hall pass”? Then that’s okay because it’s really up to you but people are going to agree with your “he’s stupid” statement
It may never go away, so he really needs to learn to advocate for workarounds, like communicating in writing.
Why you care?
Why is it on mothers? Are you expecting them to do some kind of demo? And how does looking at a vagina on screen help you understand a uti? I mean I would check the Wikipedia page. When my friend got cancer that's what I did, when we all got covid that's what we did. And no, it doesn't fall to girlfriends or any other random women because the entire knowledge of the human race is now available to all of us on the internet. Men need to stop pretending to be helpless idiots and help themselves.