Man, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I was with a girl for two years who had abandonment issues as well. I was always super patient with her, and like you said when she was happy everything was great. I know that people can get better, and for the most part she started to have slight improvement in the frequency of outbursts. But I started to find out it was that way because I knew what her triggers were and was constantly walking on eggshells. I would recommend working with her until you may finally realize you wont be able to fix her. It's a really rough situation because there is a beautiful soul under all that hatred and trauma. But sometimes you have to realize that that is part of them, it is who they are for now. It's up to you if the pain she puts you through is worth it. I miss my ex so much and I loved her dearly, but that amount of hatred when we disagreed or had an argument… was so soul crushing. I wish you the best and maybe think about having a very serious conversation with her when she is happy and be very sincere in your worries for her. Though even if she agrees doesn't mean she will change. Just feel it out and go with your gut feeling. I wish both of you the best
As soon as we got together and she compared my career to her lack of career, she started looking for stuff and she’s gone to a business that finds jobs for you. Outside of that she’s just left it to them. If it was me, I’d have gone to them for help but I’d still be actively looking and even getting a job on shopping tills for the meantime just to get money in. Just not very driven and I’ve kept the concern to myself thinking I was being selfish, unsupportive and impatient
When I was 17, I started dating someone who was 14 years older. It lasted a long time, but looking back it was fraught with enough red flags for a circus.
It feels weird because it is. I’m all For dating older (I haven’t traditionally liked men my own age) but believe me when I say this, over 10 years is just too much. You’ll be From different generations, you’ll have different social cues, you’ll be in different places in your life… and all The Living you should be doing in your 20’s, will get pushed to the background for their timeline.
Run while You can and enjoy your 20’s. This relationship sounds way too controlling and complicated when you should be having the time of your life and discovering who you are
Naw this is Bad take IMO. It wasn’t done on purpose and If the shirt was so important he should’ve made sure to pack it and replace it on his own dime. I’m not responsible for the things people leave at my place and I hope OP cuts contact with petty friend that values a shirt over mental health and well being of someone he supposedly is a friend to. Never mind the costs of AirBnB if staying at his place for free he should go replace his own shirt, passing the responsibility onto someone else is immature.
Yeah get angry once now you have anger issues. You people are have a stick so far up your ass it's crazy. Don't even know why I come to this pathetic site with you miserable people .
If I knew the why's, I'd be writing books and rich.
Lots and lots of people, myself included, had that ex that kept wanting to walk in and out of your life until you flat said enough and kicked them to the curb forever. Come to think of it… that was two ex's for me… I'm such an overachiever.
This is emotional manipulation. He is putting it back on you that you aren't helping enough and basically saying he will be breaking up with if this 'relationship goes like the last one' – clearly someone else got wise to the fact that they don't want to date a fentanyl user and dumped him. You should do the same.
I know that you feel in love with him, but it's only been 3 months. You don't even really know each other properly yet and you are in the honeymoon period where emotions are high. He is starting to show you who he really is. Believe me when I say that he will not get clean for you and that he will continue to manipulate you in this way should you stay in a relationship with him. You can't fix him honey walk away.
I have to jump in to add something: she's now saying that she wants an Australian shepherd. That's a dog person's kind of dog and requires VIGOROUS, STRENUOUS exercise at least once and preferably twice a day. Like you said, there is no such thing as 'half a dog', but an Aussie is not a beginner's pet, and if he already doesn't want her to have another dog I honestly can't think of a choice much worse than that, they have all of most people's objections to dogs times three.
They aren't excessive barkers like say, a foxhound, but they definitely aren't a quiet breed, they demand hard exercise, they get bored easily and will cause insane amounts of problems if you aren't entertaining them and exercising them enough, their coat needs pretty thorough attention, sometimes they might decide that they don't really have to listen to you, and they wanna be up in your business with you pretty much all the time. This is not a casual just-hangin'-out-with-the-family kind of breed, and I cannot emphasize how unprepared this person actually is if she thinks owning the Chiweenie has made her ready to adopt an Aussie.
You can't kidnap your child by leaving, as long as you let him see the child, wow he got you scared good ??♀️ files for divorce and set up custody arrangement for your child
Tell him to go as he is using this as a threat to get you to move past it and if you do then he will do this every time he cheats because he knows it works.
She's had 3 exes call CPS on her with things that literally never happened to a point where details of her house included rooms of her house that don't exist, such as a basement and an attic when her home has neither. We were long term friends prior to our relationship, so I lived through most of those calls with her, one saying she was locking her son in his room, but his door doesn't even have a lock, and other details that are almost comical of it wasn't for the headaches of having to deal with them.
And I agree that she needs to cut him off, I just dont want it to start a fight at the same time
Okay, but we know that OP had significant weight gain. Its more than possible that even if she wasn't actively working out, she stayed relatively skinny. You're making way too many assumptions about her — what we know is that she, in this scenario where she knows he could loose weight, simply said that after being prodded and clearly not wanting to talk about it, that she was losing attraction to him. This could easily be different if he was sick and couldn't lose weight.
He insists on unreasonable and controlling “boundaries” breaks into your Facebook to see if you're abiding by them, when he finds nothing he searches until he finds something he can use against you and then loses his shit over it. Sorry, but your boyfriend comes across as a deeply insecure, controlling, and borderline abusive asshole.
My husband was in a frat in college. One of his frat brothers married a nice girl who had slept with 5 or 6 of the other frat brothers. He knew all this before he started seeing her. It has been over 15ish years and unfortunately it still comes up in weddings, gatherings, and such and basically everyone knows. I guess after he slept with her he didn’t see it going anywhere and they all compared “notes”(she knows about this bc he told her when they actually started dating). She has mentioned they have fought over his insecurities and he has outright asked why she had to sleep with so many of the brothers, but he knew it BEFORE they got together. One time at a wedding we were sitting across from them and she said “oh is that x?” And he responded with “why did you sleep with him too?”. Ouch…made for an awkward evening, one of the guys had to take him aside to tell him to cool it and she was dejected. Nobody actually gives him or has ever given him shit about it but he knows everyone knows.
In a perfect world I would say go for it, it does not matter if you happy, but in reality my advice to you is if you want it to work you have to be very secure in your relationship and in yourself, especially if you plan to have your brothers in your life later. Probably be easier if they are not.
Those are fine things to discuss in therapy. Just because they aren’t important to you don’t mean they’re not important topics or deserve support from a professional. Focus on something else.
Therapy
Man, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I was with a girl for two years who had abandonment issues as well. I was always super patient with her, and like you said when she was happy everything was great. I know that people can get better, and for the most part she started to have slight improvement in the frequency of outbursts. But I started to find out it was that way because I knew what her triggers were and was constantly walking on eggshells. I would recommend working with her until you may finally realize you wont be able to fix her. It's a really rough situation because there is a beautiful soul under all that hatred and trauma. But sometimes you have to realize that that is part of them, it is who they are for now. It's up to you if the pain she puts you through is worth it. I miss my ex so much and I loved her dearly, but that amount of hatred when we disagreed or had an argument… was so soul crushing. I wish you the best and maybe think about having a very serious conversation with her when she is happy and be very sincere in your worries for her. Though even if she agrees doesn't mean she will change. Just feel it out and go with your gut feeling. I wish both of you the best
As soon as we got together and she compared my career to her lack of career, she started looking for stuff and she’s gone to a business that finds jobs for you. Outside of that she’s just left it to them. If it was me, I’d have gone to them for help but I’d still be actively looking and even getting a job on shopping tills for the meantime just to get money in. Just not very driven and I’ve kept the concern to myself thinking I was being selfish, unsupportive and impatient
are you gonna get a new dick because other girls have been on it?
When I was 17, I started dating someone who was 14 years older. It lasted a long time, but looking back it was fraught with enough red flags for a circus.
It feels weird because it is. I’m all For dating older (I haven’t traditionally liked men my own age) but believe me when I say this, over 10 years is just too much. You’ll be From different generations, you’ll have different social cues, you’ll be in different places in your life… and all The Living you should be doing in your 20’s, will get pushed to the background for their timeline.
Run while You can and enjoy your 20’s. This relationship sounds way too controlling and complicated when you should be having the time of your life and discovering who you are
Naw this is Bad take IMO. It wasn’t done on purpose and If the shirt was so important he should’ve made sure to pack it and replace it on his own dime. I’m not responsible for the things people leave at my place and I hope OP cuts contact with petty friend that values a shirt over mental health and well being of someone he supposedly is a friend to. Never mind the costs of AirBnB if staying at his place for free he should go replace his own shirt, passing the responsibility onto someone else is immature.
Yeah get angry once now you have anger issues. You people are have a stick so far up your ass it's crazy. Don't even know why I come to this pathetic site with you miserable people .
Yes I will. I haven't even thought about it. Thanks for telling me this.
If I knew the why's, I'd be writing books and rich.
Lots and lots of people, myself included, had that ex that kept wanting to walk in and out of your life until you flat said enough and kicked them to the curb forever. Come to think of it… that was two ex's for me… I'm such an overachiever.
This is emotional manipulation. He is putting it back on you that you aren't helping enough and basically saying he will be breaking up with if this 'relationship goes like the last one' – clearly someone else got wise to the fact that they don't want to date a fentanyl user and dumped him. You should do the same.
I know that you feel in love with him, but it's only been 3 months. You don't even really know each other properly yet and you are in the honeymoon period where emotions are high. He is starting to show you who he really is. Believe me when I say that he will not get clean for you and that he will continue to manipulate you in this way should you stay in a relationship with him. You can't fix him honey walk away.
This is WONDERFUL!
Your boyfriend is a self absorbed AH and a deadbeat, this is who he is and it's never going to change. So you either accept it or break up.
Tip for dating in the future, don't date anyone if you think you can change them to become acceptable.
You need to stand your ground or while you are having your bit of fun at work. He has it also at home.
I have to jump in to add something: she's now saying that she wants an Australian shepherd. That's a dog person's kind of dog and requires VIGOROUS, STRENUOUS exercise at least once and preferably twice a day. Like you said, there is no such thing as 'half a dog', but an Aussie is not a beginner's pet, and if he already doesn't want her to have another dog I honestly can't think of a choice much worse than that, they have all of most people's objections to dogs times three.
They aren't excessive barkers like say, a foxhound, but they definitely aren't a quiet breed, they demand hard exercise, they get bored easily and will cause insane amounts of problems if you aren't entertaining them and exercising them enough, their coat needs pretty thorough attention, sometimes they might decide that they don't really have to listen to you, and they wanna be up in your business with you pretty much all the time. This is not a casual just-hangin'-out-with-the-family kind of breed, and I cannot emphasize how unprepared this person actually is if she thinks owning the Chiweenie has made her ready to adopt an Aussie.
You can't kidnap your child by leaving, as long as you let him see the child, wow he got you scared good ??♀️ files for divorce and set up custody arrangement for your child
Tell him to go as he is using this as a threat to get you to move past it and if you do then he will do this every time he cheats because he knows it works.
She's had 3 exes call CPS on her with things that literally never happened to a point where details of her house included rooms of her house that don't exist, such as a basement and an attic when her home has neither. We were long term friends prior to our relationship, so I lived through most of those calls with her, one saying she was locking her son in his room, but his door doesn't even have a lock, and other details that are almost comical of it wasn't for the headaches of having to deal with them.
And I agree that she needs to cut him off, I just dont want it to start a fight at the same time
Sure, so she can press charges for assault. That will work out great for him.
Okay, but we know that OP had significant weight gain. Its more than possible that even if she wasn't actively working out, she stayed relatively skinny. You're making way too many assumptions about her — what we know is that she, in this scenario where she knows he could loose weight, simply said that after being prodded and clearly not wanting to talk about it, that she was losing attraction to him. This could easily be different if he was sick and couldn't lose weight.
He insists on unreasonable and controlling “boundaries” breaks into your Facebook to see if you're abiding by them, when he finds nothing he searches until he finds something he can use against you and then loses his shit over it. Sorry, but your boyfriend comes across as a deeply insecure, controlling, and borderline abusive asshole.
My husband was in a frat in college. One of his frat brothers married a nice girl who had slept with 5 or 6 of the other frat brothers. He knew all this before he started seeing her. It has been over 15ish years and unfortunately it still comes up in weddings, gatherings, and such and basically everyone knows. I guess after he slept with her he didn’t see it going anywhere and they all compared “notes”(she knows about this bc he told her when they actually started dating). She has mentioned they have fought over his insecurities and he has outright asked why she had to sleep with so many of the brothers, but he knew it BEFORE they got together. One time at a wedding we were sitting across from them and she said “oh is that x?” And he responded with “why did you sleep with him too?”. Ouch…made for an awkward evening, one of the guys had to take him aside to tell him to cool it and she was dejected. Nobody actually gives him or has ever given him shit about it but he knows everyone knows.
In a perfect world I would say go for it, it does not matter if you happy, but in reality my advice to you is if you want it to work you have to be very secure in your relationship and in yourself, especially if you plan to have your brothers in your life later. Probably be easier if they are not.
You are the red flag here.
Those are fine things to discuss in therapy. Just because they aren’t important to you don’t mean they’re not important topics or deserve support from a professional. Focus on something else.