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Date: October 7, 2022
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I was scared of getting my feelings hurt
she is worth so much more than just me
You made some really powerful statements here.
Because how we feel forms beliefs and those beliefs form our behaviours/actions.
Feeling: unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy
Belief: you aren't good enough and won't ever be
Behaviour: you call yourself a loser and avoid emotional intimacy as you are afraid of being hurt and hurting others
The most significant comment you made is “I am scared of dragging her down” because I think this has more than one meaning.
It's based on how you view yourself (being low, not valued, not worth anything, being at the bottom).
Because you feel it and you believe it, you experience it. Your mind had made this real. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy
But the amazing thing is if your mind made these beliefs, your mind can make new beliefs and a new reality too.
It would be good to work with a therapist to understand the root cause of these feelings and beliefs. Knowing where they come from will allow you to resolve them.
I'm hugely biased in favour of hypnotherapy, especially RTT, because it's worked for me and I'm also training to become a practitioner. But there are other therapies too.
However, in the meantime, there are things you can do to make things better.
Start by actively stopping yourself from saying or thinking negative things and saying definitive statements (I've always felt like this, I've always been a loser, I'm barely average-looking, I'm not smart, etc).
As soon as these thoughts come up, stop yourself and intentionally think of or say something else. Anything else as long as it's not negative towards yourself.
Next, intentionally tell yourself positive things instead:
I have unwavering self-confidence, my self-esteem is soaring, I have phenomenal coping skills, my body image is amazing, I feel positive, I'm excited to be happy, I love myself, I attract good people into my life, I love and accept myself fully, I am worthy of love, I'm a good person, I'm smart, I'm resourceful, I'm capable, I'm valuable, I'm excited to learn new skills and be a success….
Make all the statements powerful, positive, and in the present tense. I am, I feel, I have… even if its something you want for the future. Even if its something you don't really think is true.
The subconscious doesn't know the difference between now and then and it doesn't know the difference between truth or a wish. It just does what it thinks you want it to do.
Also, spend some time imagining the life you want.
Also, visualise the life you want to have, the body you want to have, an amazing reality free from negativity. Don't be too unrealistic like growing taller or looking like someone else. Consider the improvements you want to and can make to become the person you want to be. Give it sound, colour, smell, texture – make it real.
Say these positive things and do the visualisations every day for the next 28 days. You can make a script and read it to yourself or make a recording to listen to. Repeat the phrases three times as we learn by repetition.
You'll be amazed at the difference.
I'd also recommend letting her know that you have feelings for her but are struggling with your self-esteem and aren't sure you're ready for a relationship right now.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable around her and consider her feelings as she was brave letting you know she likes you and it would be unfair for you to not let her know you appreciate it but need some time and support while you work on your issues.
Trust her and let her show you that people can love you for who you are, even if that idea is uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
Build a friendship and perhaps that will become the basis for something else in the future.
Take care.
OP made bad decisions in getting drunk. Ideally that shouldn’t have mattered around friends.
But crying and saying stop during sex means consent is withdrawn, and if sex doesn’t immediately stop, it’s rape.
Is it really healthy to be with someone who keeps holding your past to you?
I mean none of us are the same people we used to be after 10, 20 years etc
Decent guys hold you up, not bring you down
I hope you seek help for your self esteem issues OP, At least you are owning your past….I’m willing to bet he’s not perfect by a long shot either
It sounds like you deserve better and there’s no shame in taking some time to yourself to figure things out
I read your post twice to try and find some way to sympathize with what you were writing but both times I came to the end of your post and thought holy hell your poor wife.
Maybe reflecting why your wife's feelings don't matter to you and why you think your anger is way more acceptable than her anger
I thought it was odd to frame a partner saying “you’re not my type, these guys I see at work are” as saying you’re not the most attractive person ever.
No, it doesn't really matter what you prefer, but when she brings it up tell her you love her nose.
You need to stop going to her house. It is obvious that she has issues that she needs to deal with by going to a professional. I wouldn’t put it past her to blackmail you by saying “if you don’t stay, I will accuse you of..” Please do not go back over there.
You can see how much your BF cares about you, your finances and your belongings by this example.
Even if this may seem insignificant, it tells a lot about how much he respects you. If he can’t even be bothered to use his own shampoo/conditioner/whatever after you asked him repeatedly to please do so, think about how he will behave when it comes to more expensive things than hygiene products.
The advice is to ask her why and tell her you don't like it (if it's really that big of a deal)
I don’t know what’s the matter with you but you are fucked in the head. Please get therapy, because if you think it’s perfectly normal to marry a man way too old for you who you barely know, and then live! in separate COUNTRIES you have serious problems. Get help before you put yourself in a seriously dangerous situation!
He’s not your best friend….
She has the same gym membership as I do. She just doesn’t go anymore. I’m always asking her if she wants to come with me and always reuses. It’s been about 3-4 months. She’s also a picky eater who gets junk food everyday for lunch. And we do go on dates here and there, I just don’t feel attracted to her anymore. She has expressed the desire to lose weight but hates the gym and only wants junk food. When we first started dating, it seems like she pretended that she was a gym rat and healthy eater.
Forget this shit. Respect is when you allow your partner to be themself. No respect is when you act like you own them, badger them when they go out, and argue when they get home from a normal pleasant evening out.
If what you want is a lifetime of arguing, control and misery, she’s your girl. Personally, I’d have no problem dumping a guy the first time he tried that crap with me. Life is too short to put up with toxic BS.
She hit a puppy? Please get that dog away from her and rehome him to a family that will actually care for him. I’m being nice here. If I saw her hitting a dog, I would not be held responsible for what I did.
You aren't compatible. It's not fair to pressure him into something that he has a moral opposition to. If you can't wait till marriage, you need to let him go.
Proud of you, you did the right things. Im so sorry she did all that to you. I hope you find someone worthy of your trust.
Idk man, I am really standing on the outside looking in but I feel like if she agreed… maybe she wants you to be circumcised. Because otherwise couldn’t she jus
Stop the visa!! You are a backup plan and if she comes on a visa, you are responsible for her!! She wants to see other people, time to end it!!
umm no what he did is a literal sex crime. he's a creep, not a loving boyfriend. don't romanticize that behavior
Heck no
this is the advice I was giving my father until i realised his enabling was the only option. (except for leaving)
some people are trapped in their own ways and are just looking for a tool to allow them to continue. OP might be exactly this tool. sadly that is what my dad became.
OP, i wholeheartedly mean this: be the creator of your own good fortune, dont get sucked into being someone else's tool for misery.
yeah, it was definitely not rape.
i’m not necessarily pissed off. i’m more-so sad because he couldn’t read the room. but i’m waiting my feelings out right now and when i’m cleared up i’m gonna talk to him about fixing our agreement with the whole sleep during sex thing. he’s pretty upset with himself which shows he had no malicious intent, he was just a little selfish in the moment.
There is a difference between pride and vanity. Do you see her as a partner? An equal? Then why does it offend you when she wants to do for you what you always do for her? To present the image of a man who needs no help ever?
You need to get over it. I think it's fantastic that you pride yourself on being independent, all people should tbh. But don't take it too far or you come off obnoxious.
It’s sad though when it’s remnants absorbed from toxic parents. Like I recognize I am not great in fights. I’m in therapy anyway. But seeing my parents recently I’m like shittttt I absorbed all this and never realized and I hate how they are with each other since always. So it’s sad
I don't understand what I'm supposed to do when she talks to me about it. Just nod and smile?
Google emotional support skills, as that’s what you’re suppose to do. And the reason why you come of as judgmental isn’t that you give unsolicited advice, it’s that you assume your advice is the solution they need. Here’s the thing about advice, the other person needs to see you understand the problem before they will trust your solution. That means listen, validate their frustration, ask if they just need to talk about it to help them sort out what they want to do, or if they want help with ideas of how to fix it.
So listen to them vent, give them support, let them solve it on their own. But if they keep complaining, say after the third time, either reframe the conversation and ask them what they think would be a good solution and direct the conversation to helping them explore that (via active listening skills, google for specifics) or let them know you’re happy to continue to listen as long as they start exploring solutions because it saddens you to hear how they’re continuing to struggle and you don’t want that for them.
There are a lot of comments so I doubt this will be read but: your dream proposal has absolutely nothing to do with your partner or your relationship.
You have a dream of being in a forest exploring castle ruins while your partner secretly goes ahead, spreading rose petals to lead you to the spring quartet playing quietly in the ruined ballroom where they propose.
That’s Romanticism.
Your partner and your relationship don’t come into play here. It’s a fantasy that’s exclusively yours; not unlike some brides who start planning their wedding at 12, with no actual inclusion of the groom and his emotional needs.
You are actually being incredibly selfish. A proposal is about both parties coming together to plan a marriage and what their lives will be like, building a life together.
Your desire for a proposal out of a romance novel is not only absurd but selfish and unrealistic as fuck.
Either way, I lose.
I don't really know how to respond to you, honestly. I don't think she's fine with it, because she told him that he crossed a line and THEN he agreed, but at the same time, she must know to some degree that this guy is shady since she's been searching live! about him treating her like his GF etc… So there is an element of understanding on her part – she obviously knows that this guy is trying something or sees her as more than a friend, but I feel like she may be helping enable it. Not necessarily happy with it or enjoying it, but not doing anything to stop it either.
It literally did not. Your just perverted af
This!
I'm still stuck on how he initiates with op..”hey come here and gimme some ass” like this dude must be watching lots of porn
This!
I'm still stuck on how he initiates with op..”hey come here and gimme some ass” like this dude must be watching lots of porn
This!
I'm still stuck on how he initiates with op..”hey come here and gimme some ass” like this dude must be watching lots of porn
It shouldn’t matter if you’re on the pill or not! If you want your husband to wear a condom for extra safety that should be enough. He is not allowed to refuse…well, he sort of is I guess but that should mean he doesn’t get sex!
I did think of that but her mom's not going to be quiet about this. She'll tell anyone else who goes to see her. Telling her is the same as telling my GF so I might as well just propose.
Ma’am? Your boyfriend doesn’t like you.
You don’t spend time together on the weekends and he told you that if you showed up at a party he was planning to go to, he wouldn’t go. You don’t see each other on the weekends, and he doesn’t want you around his friends, what exactly does this relationship consist of?
What do you do together socially? Do you go out to the movies, do you go out to dinner, do you go for walks, do you play sports together? When does this person act as though he’s your boyfriend because we know it’s not on the weekends.
RemindMe! 8 days
Dude, she's 30 and acting like a child on many levels.
She has also broken your boundaries of disclosing her sexual past to many people. Disclosing to your coworkers? That's next level attention and validation seeking.
In short, it's really unacceptable behavior and she has some work to do on herself.
The question I have is this: If you had a son and he was in the same position, what would you tell him?
Once you have that answered, tell yourself that too.
NTA.
Your body your choice. Lifting something heavy could cause injury and you're not obligated to do it.
You joke but in this situation……
If that’s the case hire a pi to find the truth
what did she say exactly?
You can’t make her understand. People find it easier to continue the way they are than they do to change, eventually it comes to catch up with them, that is why you literally see people smoking wheeling around oxygen tanks. She has to want to make changes, you can’t do it for her, but if she does, support her as much as you can.
Where is my impulse control being misunderstood? Im smart enough not to sleep with my ex so i have more control then OPs gf, hopefully ex. You have zero logic and deflect, good luck with that
You're not real bro no way.
Typically the more confused a woman makes you, the less interested she is.
This person is trying to let you down slowly. Move on.
As in not helping me more?
I’m currently shedding my uterine lining and I’m waiting for my birth control script to be filled, so I thought it easier for me to just do it. Being kissed while pleasuring myself makes me feel some type of way ?
He also has white sheets ?
Very strange… you're not a yoyo… you can't turn your feelings on and off… she wants to be friends but still hold hands and kiss but not be in a relationship… maybe…when she decides… move on… she's not that into you
Tell her then it's OK for me to do the same with another lady. it goes both ways or not at all. if she dont like the idea, then she knows how u feel too.
Maybe the answer is: no more drinking
NTA. Your husband is a grown ass MARRIED man and he allowed this woman to cross the line multiple times and in front of his wife no less. Then he gave his phone number and accepted hers. Yes, the woman is pretty damn bold to behave that way but your husband is the true AH here. If he has no problem doing that in front of you, what is he doing behind your back?
In a sense, you're lucky. You're lucky that this man has told you, with total and complete honesty, how he sees you and what he thinks about you. Your boyfriend just does not think very highly of you, and he's making no attempt to hide that fact. On the other hand, I don't believe for a second that he really thinks he's a 10/10. Demeaning your girlfriend the way he demeaned you just smacks of insecurity.
Anyway, I don't see how the relationship recovers from this. Break up with him.
He needs to understand that the scar tissue from repeatedly tearing it would have a bigger chance of him losing sensation!
It’s been 8 months and she’s ready to drop everything just so she has enough time to spend your money. She didn’t even ask if you want to spend, just told you what you should buy her. It’s insane! I wouldn’t go chasing after her.
And fwiw, I love that you asked her what she brings to the table. It may have been a wake up call.
So you do want him to change his mind about being with you
So you do want him to change his mind about being with you
Just chatted you
Just chatted you
You need to change jobs if you don’t have the willpower to stay away from this coworker then you need to make an appointment with a marriage therapist to fix the issues with your husband. You guys have been together since super young 23/20? So yeah it’s normal to get those urges on “what did I miss out on?”.
I have OCD and am waitlisted for therapy. Writing „it’s not going to last“ is completely unreasonable, I talked openly about this with him and the point of asking here is to get reassurance. Thanks
I think you need to postpone the wedding. This should be the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship. She should really only have eyes for you and vice versa. Being attracted to someone is one thing, a crush is more of a desire to be with someone, IMO. Make sure you are both 100% committed to your marriage before you do it.
Kudos to her for telling you immediately though and offering to quit her job. It’s quite possible thinks may work out but BE SURE. Good luck
Tell her to you wll either spend more time together then she does wirh her friends or you break up. If her mother is an issue she can who she is with.
If she refuse just break up. Oh also find a way for her to specifically make to you tor those 2 times. Ask her to find 2 events you can go together to in near future.
He's taking the piss.
Its a common thing to happen, so it bears mentioning as an option
No, it really doesn't.
No it’s not normal.
She may have post natal depression. She should talk to a doctor.
Right? Not exactly a nice comment, didn’t even cuddle after
The actual joke is you who calls themselves “Jesus worshipper” but is leaving rude comments on peoples posts.