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Angie, 21 y.o.
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Date: October 20, 2022
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No you are not. I think that is weird AND disrespectful. It's the equivalent of if a husband referred to his wife as his biggest kid or big girl.
Have a sit down about your issue you’re having but have it communicated that if the issue is resolved and you deem it satisfactory that YOU can no longer bring it up so it incentivizes him resolving the issue instead of just running away and ignoring the problem. But you’re also 19 so idk how rational conversations can be. Good luck
I’m not sure why S left your friend group but I think whether it’s bad or good, her feelings are still valid and regardless I don’t think anyone owes another person an explanation. I think you should learn how to respect her decision because her actions of leaving is closure enough.
Onto this situation though I think rather than asking us the intention of your boyfriend’s you should ask him what he values about his friendship with S that he wants to keep it. That way you’ll see whether they’re reasonable and platonic or not. He probably just mentioned that he talks about relationship problems with her only because he wanted to reassure you that he only has platonic intentions with her so he only talks about you. We don’t know if S will have a crush on him or not but you should definitely have a conversation with your boyfriend about drawing boundaries if their friendship crosses the line e.g. no touching, flirting, etc. I have guy friends too and I laugh with them a fuck ton and I could see how it could be perceived as flirting but it’s not, so I would say try to trust your boyfriend rather than other people’s perception because people are biased to assume the worst when a partner hangs out with the opposite sex. If anything, I think their comments might be triggering anxious thoughts so I’d recommend drawing boundaries about that as well unless they literally have evidence of infidelity.
Regardless if gender, if ANYONE is too drunk to consent, it’s legally assault.
I’m sorry you don’t like the legal definition, but the law doesn’t care about your feelings.
And yes, I am a lawyer.
Thank you for all your posts, this is how I feel to. So many comments made me realise this is so difficult for me because as a society we based all the value on money because capitalism and by all the answers I get a good overlook on different opinions and some are more on my husband side, some are more what I think and believe.
I just wanted to add that all these posts made me also think about family backgrounds we both have, because I was provided more through my family and when we met he had no income but started working really hard and learned to code and now after a few different jobs he works for a good and fair pay. And I do the same things I did when we met and I believe he thinks that because he made a bigger leap from no income to high income he now feels I didnt follow in his steps.
But from my perspective. When he moved in with me I did 90% od all the chores on the yearly basis and I also work. That being said. I provided the time he needed to learn to code with doing most of the chores most of the time so I was left with way less time to be able to code. Now there are some super people out there who would be able to learn to code after working & doing most of the chores but I am not one of them because I also need sleep.
He said many times that he would take higher chore load if I learned to code but when he sees me doing the dishes and cleaning he never says – go learn to code and I will do this things today but he has this you have to show me first that you want to learn attitude before I start helping you by making more chores and it is a wishious circle.
*disclaimer: we are from a lower BDP country which means that coders, who can work for companies in other countries,… are paid more than doctors who are the highest salary in public sector. What I do is public sector and I am payed minimum wage, and he gets pay an enormous amount even considering other jobs in our country for a less than 40 hours work/week.
Lol!
You need to stop being a panty waist. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow her to interject. Don't allow her to change the subject. Don't allow her to interrupt.
“No, you're not talking. I am talking. You need to stop interrupting and listen to me.”
“No, we are not talking about that. I am trying to communicate with you which means you need to stop talking and listen to me for once in your life.”
Personally, if I got a video like that, I wouldn’t be able to get it out of my head. It’s different knowing your SO had sexual relationships outside of your own, but to actually see them? Whole different story and you’ll be replaying in your head for eternity.
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Completely up to you. I married someone wealthy and I work because I want to. He encourages it. Babies and little kids are so hard, but they grow up. If I didn’t work, what the heck would I do all day when my kids are like 10 and 12 and at school? I’d go insane. I make good money on my own. If I stopped now and started up in 8 years I would be leaving so much on the table. The way things are going now we can retire before our kids are done with high school. I get to be my “old self “ for a few hours a day which I love. I have a career that uses my degree, it would be different if I had a menial job I hated.
Also my first kid is so high energy and high needs it’s better for him to go be social than to sit at home with me. All things to consider. It kind of worries me that your fiancé has such a strong opinion on it. Do you get to have a say his big life decisions also? Can you give him ultimatums like that? If not it would be a huge red flag for me. Because at that point it isn’t about money it’s about control.
I'm going to be honest. Do I think this boundary is dumb, yes. As a guy I really do think women that have these types of boundaries are a bit insecure either in themselves or in their relationships. Then again I do understand I'm more open sexually than most and I don't mind my gf going to strip clubs, male hard review, Chippendale, whatever. Now being that said should you change the boundary because your husband and I think it's dumb, ABSOLUTELY NOT. IT'S YOUR BOUNDARY AND IT'S THERE FOR A REASON. Never let anyone cause you to move your boundary. Hopefully you kind of discussed these boundaries before marriage, but even if you didn't your allowed to add things to your boundary list. And it's up to the other person in the relationship to either respect the boundary or not. Me personally, I walk away when I know it's a boundary I can't adhere too because it's just going to make the other person angry and bitter. Your husband, based on how often he calls this dumb and tries to steamroll you into accepting this, more than likely he's gonna lie and go anyway. Most of my friends are married, and most lie about things like this even though very few “cheat”. And yes I put it in quotes because this type of lie is semi sexual in nature which can be construed as cheating.
Maybe start searching things you really want to see? Idk I’ve never had half hard little girls dancing around my screen so I haven’t had to worry about this very intentionally but I search for the things I want to see and at some point my whole fyp turned into the things I was searching for??♀️
She is manipulating you into feeling bad that you got upset when your girlfriend told you she wanted to have sex with other people. Think about that for a minute, because it should make you angry.
Let’s pretend for a second that her request is a legitimate one. (It absolutely isn’t and she’s either cheating on you already or plans to begin soon. I guarantee you she already has a guy in mind. But let’s set that aside for now and treat this like it’s a fair and normal proposal.) She had four months to think about this. You had no idea. You found out about this two days ago and she’s already impatient for an answer and demanding you process it immediately. Even if we trust her (again, you really really really shouldn’t trust her) she gave herself four months to think this over and gave you 48 hours. That’s unfair bullshit even if she’s trustworthy.
What’s worse is that she definitely isn’t trustworthy. This isn’t how open relationships happen. People that are legitimately into polyamory and open relationships are like people that are into CrossFit, veganism, and Jesus. They will tell you about it. A lot. Within minutes of meeting you. This would have come up before now.
But no, suddenly her “feelings changed.” So you think that happened in a vacuum? Like one morning she wakes up and despite having been faithful and not looking at other guys she just magically wants to try this? Hell no, her feelings changed because she met another guy. She found a guy she wants to sleep with and she wants you to give her permission. Or she’s already started sleeping with him and she wants retroactive permission. Nothing about this is legitimate; she just wants to cheat, and she’s emotionally manipulating you to let her do it. Just look at this absolute bullshit:
She also said that she did not expect 'this kind of drama' and that she wished the kept it to herself.
Unless your girlfriend has a traumatic brain injury you failed to mention that has left her at the mental and emotional development level of a particularly dumb toddler there is no goddamned way she thought her boyfriend wouldn’t get upset when she proposed sleeping with other people. Are you kidding me? “Didn’t expect drama,” what an insultingly feeble lie. That’s just her gaslighting you to make you feel like your reaction is extreme or unfair so YOU would end up apologizing to HER for her proposal of sleeping with other guys. And it’s working, you’re a nice guy so now you feel bad for being angry with her. But you should be angry with her and she damn well knows it.
Your relationship is dead. I’m sorry man, but there’s no coming back from this. Even if she isn’t already cheating (and I’m confident she is) she has at least picked out the guy she wants to cheat with and you’re never going to be able to trust her again even if she sulks and lies that she’s given up on this. When she says “nevermind, I won’t do it since you got all dramatic for some reason” what she will really mean is “well I can’t manipulate you into agreeing to this so I’m just going to have to do it in secret.”
Why not talk to a couple's counselor?
Oh my God.
What are you still doing with this man??
Something tells me there's a reason your gf is an atheist
I think there's a lot more than just one random old lady. From what you wrote, he initiated arguments with you and then broke up with you for arguing?! Seems like he wants someone who will never argue back or contradict him in any way. And I'd bet there are other red flags you overlooked, too. In time, you'll see them. Hindsight is always so much clearer.
He's obviously just telling you what you want to hear so that you can get back together. The relationship will never work out. You two want different lives. He just doesn't want to be single so he's trying to get back together. You both need to move on and find people who have the same future plans.
How do you get pregnant from him having a vasectomy and him always wearing condoms?
I asked him this during the argument. He says he wouldn’t care because it’s artistic expression…. which is 100% not true. I just know he would be pissed!!
Man what? This is 100 % real, no freaking novel or whatever. I just tried expressing myself in the best way possible for people to understand.
Did you read the part of this post where I said he’s making time for his friends but not for me? He’s not making any sacrifices in the rest of his relationships but I’m the one that has to bare them? I respect this man and all that he’s doing, I want nothing but his success. I do not respect being neglected. And yes it’s boring, it’s disinteresting, I’m bored.
I think he is perfectly capable of taking the initiative but chooses not to. I think the expectation is that someone will take his mother’s place. I don’t believe you want that.
The thing of it is… his name isn't even Mathew.
Weird.
I don't think people are telling him to divorce. What he should get is an apology for doing that. She just needs to say, “I'm sorry, I know I went a bit overboard there, but I was just saying whatever to try and make her feel lighter about the situation.” Though honestly, I don't see how it helps the victim anyway?
You two have been spending the last two weeks, five days in each week, so more than 10 days in the first 30 days???
Not like 6-9 days to space out healthy quality time together?
Op… ugh, I hate to break this to you, but you are spending so much time together, he could be loosing interest since it’s the first 30 days and not spaced out over 2-3 months together.
He’s loosing interest cause you are not leaving room for him to actually MISS YOU.
You gotta give the guy some space right now since you also cooking a lot together.
You’d think by this post you two met on Netflix’s “Love is Blind” by how much time you are spending together in the first month!
If it's grandma's house, then boyfriend needs to get grandma's permission to put a lock on the door.
There isn't a lighthearted thing to say to get someone to respect you. And the only teasing you could do that would make her back off (pretend she's hitting on you) would make the situation about a thousand times worse, instantanly in this case.
You have this picture of me in your head and it's so far off I can't even respond. Waste of my fuckin time.
It seems to me that you were trying out something she wanted, that you be more dominant, and along the way a few things went wrong. Many men are terrible at any kind of aftercare for their woman and anyway it was probably expecting too much for you to go from aroused and dominant to sweet and caring like switching on a light.
Hopefully your girlfriend is working in therapy on her trauma. She has a fairly long history with you caring for her so that should help.
Don't beat yourself up and try to look at it as a change you tried that could use some improvement.
You deserve to be treated well. Go get it.