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Date: October 3, 2022
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Divorced men carry extreme amount of guilt towards their children, they do whatever it takes to make children feel that they are not abandoned and “daddy” will always be there. Be prepared to feel lonely, you will never take priority over his children.
Maybe because she's married?
Just tell her you’re not interested in a friendship or relationship and if it’ll make you feel better, block her. But communicate first.
Yeah this was my father and luckily my mother was naturally very thin but I sure wasn’t and it fucked up my head for years. You need to leave before your self esteem plummets and HIS voice becomes your internal voice. Please trust me on this!!
Could be just me but I think this is such an amazing gift and esp in this day and age where absolutely everything is a subscription or a streaming service. Also, shows get canceled on streaming services all the time and this way she will have her favourite show for whenever she feels like watching it. Based on ur other comment you sound like you reeeaaaallyy like interfering with ur son's life. Personally, I wouldn't want a gift from my bf that his mom picked, I want my bf to get me something he picked because he knows me and OP sounds like he really put a lot of thought into this gift for his gf which is amazing!
If he is renting to her cool. But you can't have a rental agreement with someone you sleep with.
The argument is she's contributing to the upkeep of the home.
The way she says Oooohhh fuck!!
If the free living situation isn’t to his liking, he can get his own place. But beggars can’t be choosers
Break up, he won't change. I could give you advice as to how to approach this but generally speaking it will fail. Men like this do not deserve to have women put energy into them. Just because his mom treats him like that does not mean he does not know that he could help around, he just doesn't care. Cut your losses now, find an actual partner and let him be adopted by someone who has that goal in life.
Your car your rules
Why is it gross? Could you develop more?
Have you ever tried a gratitude journal? You just write down 1-3 things a day that you're grateful for, or do a thought excercise. It's difficult at first but eventually becomes more natural. When peopek ask how you are doing, you can focus on these things. They are are just as valid as the complaints.
Oh, I get what you mean now. Ok, so trust is built over time, from sharing feelings, being validated, asking for your emotional needs to be met and them validating and meeting those needs or finding compromises you’re both ok with.
The problem is if you don’t know what you emotionally need in order to trust him more, how can you ask for those needs to be met? Thus the reason why working on emotional self awareness would be needed.
I've removed the bit from my post that points out that he's white. I didn't want it to come across as generalizing, but rather explain his particular upbringing/culture without being too specific for anonymity purposes. just to give you an example, his mom's kitchen is carpeted. my best friend's mom's bathroom is also carpeted! his aunt's bathroom is wood, which is better, but that means you can't really wash the bathroom, otherwise you'll risk running the flooring, and people think nothing of it. this is the sort of cultural thing I mean. (as a sidenote, I'm also white, my grandparents and greatgrandparents all migrated to south america from europe)
I didn't mention in my post because it was long enough and I didn't feel it was relevant, but my partner also has severe ADHD and major trauma from past relationships. he cleans when people come together to do it, but he lives by himself, so I can't be here all the time to nudge him out of his executive disfunction or snap him out of his latest hyperfixation.
he told me that he thought the house was cleaner and I believe he was genuine, which is why I'm worried for him and want to help him. everyone in his life so far has enabled him, whereas I'm the only one who's urged him to face this part of himself and understand the severity of the situation. he's not messy and dirty as a trait; we lived together for four months, and had this been my experience then, believe me, we would not be together now.
untreated ADHD is one hell of a beast but it's not an excuse. but I also believe in helping people come up with systems that are helpful to them rather than admonishing them for not comforming to how the rest of society usually does things.
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Just recently, my (24m) fiancée (24f) got the sudden urge to get rid of both of our dogs. It started yesterday when she was working from home and my dog was lightly crying in his kennel. She lost it and told me she thinks I should re-home him. She thinks he doesn’t get enough exercise, both mentally and physically. He is a 3.5 year old male German Wirehaired Pointer. Very active breed. I play fetch with him for 30 minutes minimum every morning before I go to work to tucker him out so he sleeps all day. And then I spend another 30 minutes with him outside along with some hide and seek to stimulate his brain. Well my fiancée works from home 3/5 days of the week. When nobody is home he’s perfectly fine and just sleeps all day. I know this because I check my home cameras often. Like a normal dog. But when she is home he cries every once in a while, probably because a human is home and he just wants some attention. So that is recipe to get rid of a dog? She even went as far as taking her dog (our dog but she calls it hers) for a walk and left my dog home and didn’t bother to spend 5 minutes outside with him. That is sickening to me. When I asked why she thinks that’s okay, she told me “he’s not my dog, not my responsibility. I didn’t sign up for him when we got together” but she knew that he’s my baby and I’ve had him before I even met her. Of course we’re a package deal.
Tonight, she just packed up all of her dogs stuff and brought him to a new home. She wasn’t fucking around I guess. Completely emotionless too. I could never. She is incredibly stressed at the thought of two high energy dogs with a baby on the way. And now she is giving me ANOTHER ultimatum (she told me it’s alcohol or her. Of course I chose her). Now it’s “it’s me and the baby or the dog”. So fucked up. I’m tired of being dealt ultimatums because that is extremely unhealthy in any relationship, and I will not get rid of my dog. He doesn’t need a new home. He’s a very active, spoiled dog. If he was neglected then I would completely understand. She also told me that if I don’t rehome him by Tuesday that she would keep him on the lead outside all day. It’s winter in Montana. I’m at a total and complete loss. I know if we don’t work out, she’s going to tell everybody that I chose my dog over her, but that is completely not true. She told me that if I want to keep my dog then we are over. That is on her, not me.
Any advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated. I am stressed to the nines right now.
tl;dr pregnant fiancée wants me to rehome my active dog because she is stuck at home with him 3 days of the week. she gave me the ultimatum of her and the baby or the dog. advice? thoughts?
I’m sorry, but if someone reached out to my therapist for me (unless I was imminently self-harming), I’d be horribly creeped out. They won’t tell you anything anyway, and this would be a HUGE overstep. You just have to rip the bandaid and tell her.
I guess it all boils down to what individuals deem “moral” in their own brains.
For me, I love my wife. If I were to die I wouldn't demand that my ego be fed by her having to grieve and be lonely for a specific amount of time. Who determines this amount of time? As with everything, it's all down to opinion. I would just want her to find happiness again and move on with life.
When I'm dead, I'm dead. There isn't a “me” around anymore to cheat on. Unless one imagines me hanging around her like Patrick Swayze in Ghost.
Take all of those texts and everything else to your lawyer.
I’ve had a restraining order for domestic violence. That order is not one sided and your definitely being set up. You say one word to her or to your friends about her you have violated it. But she’s not supposed to be contacting you either and she was told that. Don’t mess around with this. Keep no contact with her and let your lawyer know what’s going on.
Her marriage isn’t your responsibility, but if you live! by the sword be prepared to die by the sword. It sounds like she’ll just get bored of you after a short while and then cheat with someone else.
It’s a great scam for her. I wouldn’t take advantage of someone i asked to live! with me like that. I’d ask him at most to pay the same amount of money he was paying for his house share he had before.
Realistically I wouldn’t ask him to pay anything if I wasn’t paying anything personally. I’d be like pickup the grocery tab and we’re all good.
End it sooner then later, or stay with him, he gets a vasectomy and you slowly resent him for not having kids leading to a blow up when your 40, resulting in a break up/divorce. Then you will be 40 single, with no kids, and very unlikely to conceive ever. He doesn't have to change his opinions of kids he just has to make enough excuses for your clock to wear out. Find happiness with someone who wants what you wants, race be dammed.
Yeap, happened with my boyfriend too, skinny af until, er, not, not that he's overweight now or anything, but he did go up a clothing size. If I'm completely honest I was not the biggest fan of the extra bit on him at first, but I think that was at least half because suddenly he just looked different than what I was used to. At some point I realised that I don't really care: what makes him hard to me isn't a flat stomach, it's everything else.
Everything else though, I do like that we're both putting in a bit more effort to stay healthy and active nowadays, so something good did come out of the inevitable middle aged spread. Nothing kills desire faster, at least where I'm concerned, than feeling like your partner doesn't care about themselves or take the long view. It's been fairly recently that I've noticed my peers are having real issues with lifestyle related illnesses, and it really brings home the point that investing in yourself and your health by building reasonable and sustainable habits is pretty damn important. I want to stay as fit and active as I can to best enjoy the second half of my life, and it's important to me to have a partner who feels the same.
I doubt this is real.
If by some chance it is, you’re not in the wrong here. You aren’t attracted to penises. That’s no one’s fault.
If it’s insulting to tell gay people they can just go ahead and change their sexual orientation, then it’s just as insulting to tell a straight man to just “be attracted” to a penis.
elbow me
flung his elbows back towards me with great force
Yeah, giant red flag.
box off the counter and threw it at me
Run now, don't look back.
he was going to punch me
'nuff said, LEAVE!
he then denied everything
The the f*ck out! Why are you not already gone?
I love him
It's over, run like hell, don't look back. And this is how he's treating you in the courtship/engagement phase – you don't want to find out what he'd do married to you. Leave now!
Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do?
My sister … she got royally screwed over – between herself and 3 daughters, 2 of the 4 have diagnosed complex PTSD – lots of trauma, abuse, etc. And that hubby from hell – he's got two felony convictions for what he's done. So, yeah, red flags a plenty – you don't want to go down that road. My sister finally divorced him … she was way into the “'till death do us part” bullsh*t – before she got married I got her to give slight bit on that – saying that if he abused her or the kids … alas, years later I had to also quite reminder her of that – when it became known and clear that he was not only an abuser, but majorly so (he'd isolated them and hid that pretty effectively for years – controlling essentially all contact and communications … it kind'a “leaked” out when all hell broke loose and he got arrested and emergency restraining order dropped in place … and still my sister continued, in fear of him, to still quite hide it. No, arrested on felony charges and thrown in jail and having to be bailed out isn't merely “had to pay a fine.”).
First and foremost, she’s a lunatic. normal people don’t get their license suspended suspended from moving violations. That’s fucking crazy.
Second, it’s kind that you’re helping out your neighbor, but that’s crazy too.
you need to get out of this relationship ASAP.
Had a kid, bought a house, then engaged and married myself. Just because your priorities may not align with what’s traditional doesn’t mean that he’s never going to marry you. We didn’t get married until 12 years after we met and I’m glad we didn’t because financially it made sense and we bought a nice home at the opportune time and ended being able to pay out of pocket with zero debts for our wedding, which was as perfect as it could be.
What the fuck is a 19 old doing with a 12 year old? Doesn’t want kids but is fine dating them????
I don't think she's trying to be dismissive, guys do really just do that when you're an attractive woman, it's a pretty accurate statement to make. The fact that she openly shares it with you in an indifferent way is a good thing. What else do you want her to do honestly? Stay indoors permanently? Make herself unattractive?
LOL Sounds fine to me. Not my religion, not my barrel of monkeys.
Here’s the thing OP, you’ve been together five years, you’ve repeatedly told her you get anxiety (aka the enjoyment is severely decrease) in event spaces and you gave her other options before your birthday.
What you need to talk to her about is why she gave you this gift.
If you want to do so lovingly: “hey gf, can we talk about the birthday gift you gave me? While I love (band), I kinda don’t understand why you thought I would enjoy it? You know that I only go to concerts because I want to spend time with you, but it’s not something that I enjoy even when I would otherwise like the event. I thought you knew this, and so this felt more like a gift for you than for me. Can you tell me what you were envisioning when you gave it to me?”
The way I would do it: “gf why would you pick a concert as a gift for me? You know I hate concerts, and it doesn’t matter who’s playing. You basically gifted me anxiety. Why?”
Look, you made some dumb choices and you ended up pregnant. The VERY VERY fortunate thing is that you STILL have choices to make and that your current situation doesn’t have to be permanent. You can start making better choices RIGHT NOW. Choices that will make sure you don’t have a baby before you are ready. Choices that will let you get an education. Choices that won’t tie you to this guy for the rest of your life. Choices that will allow you to find somebody who actually respects you.
Seriously, everything about this guy screams loser dirt bag. Talking about getting married after three months. The disrespect of your wishes to use real protection. The pressure to keep the baby if you are pregnant.
You are learning, this is your first relationship. You are only 20 and there WILL be other relationships. You will get more experience. You can start right now by making the choices that keep YOU in control of your life and get you the life you want.
Yikes!!
Glad you made it out okay!
As a hobby artist with a ton of weird references on my phone, I too am dying to know what he saw. My phone makes me seem like a perverted serial killer ? but it’s cause I need to learn anatomy and references for random weird things so I take pictures of like empty hallways and stuff
As a public school teacher, I just lost all sympathy for you. So you have the energy to “hate” someone else’s pension, for a job that you’ve never done and probably know nothing about?
Rather than focus on what you hate, why don’t you put effort into the people you love? Why don’t you know how your wife is feeling, what she needs emotionally, or why she is feeling so exhausted? Do you ask her questions, then shut up and actually listen to what she says?
You should point out to him that statistically speaking women cheat more than men between the ages of 20-30, but regardless it isn't expected or excusable for either gender.
I don’t want her to hurt herself
So you'd rather she hurt you?
She is not your responsibility
Leave this abusive relationship OP
Okay then we are talking. Regardless, at the airport he was fully hiding from me and totally apart from his friends….
Uhhh no they haven’t. Where do you live!? I wanna live! there lmao
you either break up with him, or have a conversation with him and what he will do to fix all this. Maybe therapy.
My short and sharp suggestion is to break up. When one partner sacrifices a key fundamental desire they have, for the sake of their partners’ desires, it can lead to a reasonable potential for mental and emotional harm for one or both parties. Like when one partner wants children, but the other does not. Ultimately or you end up doing is hurting each other while you figure out that you were better off living your dreams, separately. Good luck.
You’re really thinking about marrying someone that you don’t give a shit about them wanting their family to be at the wedding? Yikes. Poor guy.
She actually likes you so long as you pay?
Non Americans when trying to understand nuance, I guess. Lol
See how that works? You clearly have a habit for oversimplification.
He needs the money because his enemies are trying to attack him and his body guard, right?
I'm sorry that you don't appear to have anyone in your life to say this to you in person, but I want you to know that if you were my friend I would be so fucking proud of you. I'm sorry that the person you love disappointed you so badly, and I know it hurts, but you won't take the pain away by lowering the bar so he can stumble over it. You can't un-know this about him. You shouldn't.
When you've made things so unbalanced, it's on you to make them equal again. You cannot slack and then expect her to continue to want to put in effort for you when you haven't for her.
I already resent her so much for doing this multiple times, That's all I love with is anxious thoughts, and you're right. I would tell my friends/family the same thing. This is my first relationship too, any advice on how to bring up this conversation? Thank you so much, I really appreciate the words.
If she wants more rings then she should buy them herself.
As someone who turned down many great opportunities for someone, please don’t make the mistakes I did. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out, if not now then in the future.
You sound really intelligent, motivated and have your whole life ahead of you. Grasp the opportunities that come your way.