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Date: October 5, 2022
Thank you, that is probably the first time someone has said that my feelings were legitimate.
I have booked in to see someone in two weeks already. This whole thing has made me realise I really need some outside perspective (thus posting here).
I did think about what I could have done that could have led to this but honestly there were no big red flags. All three of them did well in school, had friends, were creative and funny and goofy and got along well. When they moved out they did normal young adult stuff and we kept a respectful distance while still being engaged (keeping in touch throughout the week and visits one every few weeks). I think I missed all the tiny red flags that my husband saw, which is why I didn't see this coming.
Why on earth would you even want to have a child with this abusive man? You really shoud have used protection.
Don't put her name on your house. She's invested nothing into it, she's not married to you, and you are not obligated just because you're sleeping with her. When you are in a committed relationship that involves shared finances for large purchases, then she can have her name beside yours.
you’re genuinely being ridiculous and unhelpful and I hope you realize how stupid you sound
Yeah that would be an utterly silly idea. Unless you don't want half your house then its a corker
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It's not black and white. Trust was broken but he is remorseful and I trust that he is. In a way, I know he's never going to hurt me like that. But I'm a much more real sense, I have to be on my guard. I chose to work on our relationship and that's what I'm trying to do. I can no longer trust him blindly, which is why I think having smaller things I can trust about him helps towards that
I mean, I don't know how to ask her how she feels.
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I think the main question here is : we’re your children harmed by this?
I can name a bunch of things that children may not be harmed with but still shouldn’t happen. That’s not saying what mom and grandma did was wrong it’s just a bad way to make a point about this
JFC lady, it was a joke. And a funny one at that.
Sounds like you have some deep rooted issues from your childhood and past relationship to have this comment hurt you so much. Maybe therapy?
As a side note, when you get overly emotional about jokes, it’s going to start taking a toll on your relationship, because he’ll end up feeling like he constantly has to walk on eggshells with you. And if he can’t make innocent jokes without you spiraling, you are going to come across as manipulative/overly sensitive and he’ll end up resenting you. I assume you don’t want that.
It’s fine to have boundaries, but those boundaries should be rooted in practicality. It’s not practical for him to have to constantly be worried about innocent jokes he’s making.
Be happy that he’s comfortable enough around you to make those jokes. I assume you’re smart enough to differentiate between innocent jokes and passive-aggressive/mean ones?
This is not the place to ask that question. There are subs like r/recovery and r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholism that might be helpful. You should also strongly consider making him see an alcohol counselor a requirement if he is going to continue to be in a relationship with you. Not AA. AA is great for some people but not for others, depending on their personality. It might be a good fit for him, but better that he start with a professional alcohol counselor. Good luck to both of you.
Well, for one, when the kids wake up early the next morning dad (who was out late the night before) is going to want to sleep in. Then Mom has to get up and take care of the kids. It is not just “midnight.” It is the trickle effect of everything else.
There are a lot of moms who want a break. A better solution is to take the spouse on a date to bond with each other.
I know a lot of happily married couples who spend time with each other. The ones who are not so happy are the ones who make themselves the priority in the relationship and do what they want, without the spouse. Just my real life observations.
That is awful!! I’m so sorry. Leave this guy!! I promise- this isn’t normal and it isn’t acceptable.
why take down the post? i'm not ashamed of it, and i got a lot of good advice here
It's not really remotely risky if you just find a normal person who can use their super power of vocalization to convey thoughts. Seriously it's not very hot at all to talk about such a thing.
This dudes (ex)wife could've saved a whole lot of grief by just talking to him. This is 100% her fault.
So you don't let the issue just stay unresolved, you need to bring this issue back up and discuss it. Now first off, if 95% of you doesn't want to do it, then my question to you is why state that particular one? You could've gone with a standard threesome, sex in public, giving her a facial but you went extreme and it's a fantasy that, according to you, aren't really wanting but a small part does. So for future reference, if you're asked again make sure you list one that is more towards the extreme end of kinks. I don't kink shame, but in my experience within kinky sex, only a small percentage are into blood play.
As for your situation, next time you have sex, use that as your way to bring it up. You know it's off, she probably senses it too, so when you two finish, bring it back up. Reassurance is needed for her to let her know that she isn't inferior and that she can still satisfy you. Even directly tell her that in that moment you just went with an extreme one but it is really just a curiosity more than a desire and then state a more common desirable one. Transition it into saying that she offers more than just fulfilling any fantasy, it's her personality and the way she is that makes you feel fulfilled. Yes, may sound cliche but believe me it's what's needed to get her to see past that kink.
How do I pass her test then?
You reacted with obvious anger and then refused to leave. Are you really that oblivious to how absolutely nuts and unsafe you came across at that moment?
This isn’t about her being upset you were “enforcing a boundary” it’s about her feeling unsafe because of your anger and actions.
How do you not see that?
So are you Irish mixed with European? Cuz this isn’t superhuman, as you know lol!
My wife is the same as you, fair skin, ginger, blue eyes and I know many others like this 🙂
What the hell? He tells you he won’t get you flowers because you have a habit that has nothing to do with him that he doesn’t like? And you’re okay putting up with that? He’s not your dad.
I don’t really understand you people, how do you ever sit in a car if you take 0 risk in life. IUD + PO is safe, and if that fails like you can get in a car crash, you can have an abortion.
She stayed out all night with another man on your 10th anniversary while you stayed home with the kids. You're being an absolute doormat.
I also have adhd, which makes it difficult to keep track of time and understand social cues. If you say it's OK for her to stay out till 2am with him, then she may not understand why you're upset that she stayed out to 2.45 with him. But repeatedly staying out all night is taking the p!ss and I reckon she knows it. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some level of physical cheating (at least kissing).
You can't fix this by working on yourself. You have to be clear with her that this is making you miserable and it needs to stop, or the marriage will be at risk.
Your boundary for yourself is “I will not stay in a relationship with someone who gives all their best time and energy to someone else”
lol divorce!
“So I doubt there’s an explanation for it.”
Hun , you do know VERY WELL that there is an explanation for this.
To be honest, Id just write him that he's a scumbag, block him and go NC. And go get tested… you cant believe a word that he says, as he's a proven cheater/liar.
This is not a courtesy that often gets extended on here if the genders are reversed
How do you know that?
My partner has said similarly painful things to me, and also claims he didn't mean them.
Let me save you some trouble: you will never heal it. She will never forget it. It will eat at her every time something reminds her of it.
What you do now is figure out how to put your money where your mouth is. If I were you, I'd tell her you'd be willing to get a vasectomy (if you are). And if you're not, you know kids are essential for you and what you need to do. Whatever you do, have an honest conversation and absolutely don't string each other along.
And in the end, it might not be enough and she might still be thinking of leaving you. I know I think of leaving him. More so after every time he “didn't mean it”. But this is not something she's just going to ever get over or forget. Like I always tell him – there are some things you can't take back, ever.
So your solution to not getting your way is to make the same legal threats that her ex made at her? Gee, I wonder why she's so insistent on her children having her last name…
Tell him these words.
“When you checked on the toy first, I felt like you cared about a broken toy more than you did about the fact that I was injured.”
It changed mine! I don’t know how I lived without my raised loo seats and second stair rail before ?
The conversation with the guy was a bit more. Him being a bit of a cheeky guy and testing my boundaries. Me being a fairly confident person. Outright asked him. What's it like to have anal sex. The conversation went from there. Where he asked if I'd ever had it done. And then to my mrs. I already knew she had at this point. So it wasnt news.
How's me having an average size dick bragging? ? My point was I ain't got a porn star dick.
Nono I don't want him to get one, I just asked his opinion on it.
Yep, let it rip with that victim blaming. I would love to see you saying the same thing about a girl and how she should have known better than to get drunk. Obviously she shouldn’t have put herself in a situation to get raped, so she is just a cheater, not a rape victim.
I hate to minimize your experience, but from what you describe here, I think you're overreacting. The phrase “it's just you and me” doesn't strike me as particularly sinister, and neither does offering you a drink, given that you didn't mention anything about it being weird for you to drink. Unless there's a lot more to it than this, I don't think it's fair to assume that he was trying to sleep with you from what you described here.
Why don't you just share your thoughts/feelings/concerns with her and take it from there?
He cheated on you. He wasn't a good person. Sure, he didn't hit you, but he still proved he sucked, just in a different way.
I think we may have found the male equivalent of the bridezilla: instead of being controlling about the wedding- he present his demands and checks out altogether.
How long did you date before marriage?
It won't end well even if you did all those things for her but let me ask you, despite not having a car have you taken her on dates like she asked?
Some of this may be his current frame of reference, and it may diminish as he encounters the wider world.
But some of it may just be how he approaches finances, and that may never change.
You two are pretty young, and as long as you aren't determined to get married right away, it's probably fine to stick around to see if you two converge over time.
In the meantime, lean into open and honest communication about finances. Let him know what you feel the way you do. Ask him about his viewpoint. But don't let yourself ever feel ashamed about your slightly modest upbringing.
Regardless of if she cheated on you or not, they shouldn’t have done what they did and tried to keep it hidden from you.
She either cheated on you, or showed that she never truly cared for you, and your friend showed that he is not worthy of being call a friend.
And fortunately for you the advice is easy.
Cut them both out of your life.
Block them on everything, and make sure that all the friends know that those 2 are not to be trusted.
I got pregnant early on in the relationship and wanted to keep a family. We really tried to work on things but I just don't feel like he loves me and certainly not the way I want to be loved. It hurts to be so lonely but watch him love our daughter with no limits ..
I think it's more that a 40 y/o in the dating pool should expect to encounter a large percentage of men who already have children.
At 23 that should be far less of a concern.
A child who's family she destroyed as well. This woman is embarrassingly pathetic, you will lose nothing by cutting her out.
OP, please also know that your father had multiple opportunities to stop this, they live together, presumably got dressed together that morning, and arrived together as well. Your father cosigned her actions that day and still does. But, given his past actions and behaviour, this is unsurprising. He will always choose this woman over hurting his family.
Live! your life and enjoy your marriage, these two can get in the bin where they belong.
Grandmotherly duties is a made up thing
Try and do more interesting things together, if she isn’t referring to fun things like hooking up with multiple people. You can create the exiting young experience without going on a break, don’t throw away a great relationship over the need for new experiences that can be had together.
What is your differential diagnosis?
Guys I need help please someone
My original post said it ‘could’ be a worry which it most definitely could, I stick to what I said!
You are also presuming things by saying that’s why she keeps her apartment clean, it could be that she does for now and later decides she doesn’t want to keep up as she’s already bagged/married boyfriend.
We have no clue what the future holds but it would still be concerning to me that there was no warning!
It absolutely is abusive. He also tried to make you out to be the bad guy to the kids, blaming you for when he was taking them home and ruining the trip. He also belittled you in front of your children. Then bailing on family time because he didn’t like being called out for his choice and/or reason. Which honestly sound he homo/transphobic.
You’ve apologized, which I don’t believe was necessary, but still tries to guilt you and manipulate you into thinking you were wrong. When in reality he overreacted.
Seems there is more going on with him to have such a reaction. Or if as you stated his blow ups like this have happened before, despite the cause not being like this one, he’s just emotionally and verbally abusive.
May want to think how his emotional & verbal abuse, belittling you, manipulations and anger will impact your kids and their views of a healthy relationship. Would you want your kids to be treated as he’s treating you or to treat others that way?
Relateable. I am the boyfriend with dog in this scenario and it’s frustrating AF. My dog is so jealous and territorial and it literally was the primary reason a guy I was talking to stopped seeing me. He would get drunk weeks and months after and tell me how great I was and “if it wasn’t for that damn dog!”- (anytime I say that phrase in my head it sounds like a Scooby Doo villain line lol. You meddlin kids! *shakes fist) I don’t have much wisdom to impart just wanted to say your frustration is definitely at least somewhat warranted and I feel ya. For my dogs behavioral issues, I asked for a training collar with a buzzer and beeps from my folks for Christmas and it was very effective- but it also only worked in conjunction with a remote I had to bring with me everywhere if I wanted to use it and charge the remote and collar regularly and that maintenance deterred me from staying consistent. But then by chance I found something far far cheaper and, in some ways, better. For Christmas as a gift for many family members, I’d purchased several electric lighters- which are also pretty handy in their own rite. The ones I got had the long, snaky, bendable neck so they could be used for candles and grills etc and is rechargeable and the charge lasts a really long time. By chance my friend and I found that the click and frequency of the lighter is a VERY effective dog deterrent and it’s just a bonus that you don’t have to directly intercede physically with the dog. And upon googling, it seems to be pretty universal in effectiveness for dogs. Maybe using that or something else when the dog is presenting problematic behavior can help stop the behavior itself and get the dog to respect your space a little more in general. I found that with the lighter and the collar my dogs behavior would improve for a good while following actually using it- just knowing the threat of discipline is there made put him on better behavior. I know that doesn’t solve all your issues by a long shot, just thought hopefully it might help some. Good luck!