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Date: October 27, 2022
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According to your post history you’ve been planning to leave her for almost 2 years and you’re still with her? I mean… break-up already, 2 years is enough preparation.
Serve her a eviction note inform her family (and please don’t give a fck about what they say) put camera anywhere in your house legal rent a storage unit, move valuable things to the unit and stay there for 30 days.
Seriously, grow a spine and do it already.
If he doesn’t on-line there where is he going to online?
I think our difference is about the definition of consent. Years ago I would have agreed with you. But I'm a dating abuse prevention advocate and I've taught this stuff for 16 years. Here's one definition of sexual coercion:
“If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily. Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, and other tactics to get the outcome they want.” There's also a lot of literature about “when yes doesn't mean yes.”
If you read OP's comments here, you'll see that she's spoken to him at length about not wanting sex when she's sad or upset. She's explained how sexual trauma affects her ability to say no. He left her alone to cry for 2 hours then used that moment of closeness they had to initiate sex. I can't believe that you, knowing all of that, would go for it and feel it is fully voluntary? Not voluntary? It's coercion or just plain ol' assault. Add another layer to that with him being 26 and her only 20, there's more than one factor creating an imbalance of power here. He has an even greater responsibility, then, to understand that he needs to be sensitive, or at least competent in communication skills. She also has the responsibility, of course.
He is happy now, he still has his kids, and his best friend and all the sex he doesn't want with you, why would he get back, you are there to talk, laugh bringing up memories and he is enjoying his kids and then he goes and Fs anything that moves.
Cheers, I think our miscommunication was stemming from have a very different view on what calling someone out involves.
I am so sorry for your continued loss. I’d recommend finding a way to serve others in the situation you faced with your children, whether it’s suicide prevention, volunteering, or whatever caused the loss of your girl. I think connection and community is honestly the only path forward to healing yourselves. And until you’re able to heal even partially, you won’t be able to fill each other’s cup.
Find out what gave you value in having children, in raising them and try your best to put that back out into the world. Sending so much love.
thank you so much for this I really appreciate it this is great advice!
I was 18 and starting uni and he was 22 and working on an apprenticeship when we met, there is 4 1/2 years between us, which is not an uncommon age gap.
Thanks for this. So are you advising to distance myself but don’t necessarily tell her what I did? I do want to be with her. I choose her over anyone and she does add value to my life. I just don’t know how to go about if I should tell her or not.
It is absolutely not.
Women (and men) lie about their past. Best way to predict future behavior is the kind of respect they show the relationship and those subtle cues.
It is not a preference if your anxiety hits the roof just by thinking of him touching you, you also describe the thought of oral giving you nightmares. I have preferences, things I don’t want to do in bed, but none of those things give me any anxiety thinking about them.
l think you should work with a sex therapist about the anxiety. When you have gotten help with the anxiety, then is the time to find out what your preferences in bed are. Do this for yourself. Sexuality is a big part of our lives, and there is help for you.
If you don’t have a close relationship you are nit in a position to bring up personal information about people other than yourself unless someone else is in danger and one of you can directly help. (I do mean directly)
But other than that all you can do is offer to talk and let them take it from there. Anything more than that risks making things harder.
Sorry, I’ve been there. It’s really tough
You need to get your money before he clears it out himself
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These are really manipulative sick psycho games he's playing – and blowing nude and cold with the proposal and then withdrawing again – I'd break things off, he sounds crazy. But be prepared that he could call your parents and tell them about the abortion, he sounds like he'd be vindictive.
I dont usually eat fried chicken two nights in a row, but your heart was in the right place and it seems she knows that. You are good, you can relax.
Dude, please don't involve your personal life in your professional life. If an employee asked me to pull GPS records to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn't cheating I would have serious concerns about his judgement.
Ha I’ve found that a lot of people do that. Starting the conversation with “heyyyyyy so, how are ya feeli-“ I tend to just respond with “what do you want me to do. Just tell me so I can respond”
Thanks for your reply. What you said is all true.
Facts according to you…
Most rational folks… would not go to a club under any pretences with a SO that is ready to pop at any moment. Especially without confirmation that the SO knew where they went..
It's a huge hole in the story.
I just reread this and wanted to start it by saying that I may have made some assumptions and my tone comes across way harsher than I meant it to. Please take this as heartfelt advice, not a rant or put down at you. I only know one sliver of the situation, and I'm just an internet stranger with lots of opinions.
Try something more like “I don't know what expectations you think I have that you feel you're going to fail, but I dont expect or even want anything from you. I just think we vibe.”
I think she's recently had experience in having to be a certain way for someone, and that someone has placed unfair expectation on her and managed to leave her with the guilt of that inevitably not working.
Just don't put any demands on her and accept her as she is. Even if you've got to put some work into building her trust, it'll ultimately be healthier.
If you need her to let you in sooner than she can, based on your feelings not hers, maybe its not going to work out at this time.
It's fine to have different wants and needs to someone, as long as you put effort into finding meaningful compromises.
Good interpersonal relationships have reciprocity at their core.
Thank you.
Why do you think you’re more advanced in life than your peers? Because you attended college a little earlier than most? I was attending college classes when I was 16 too, but I don’t think that made me more advanced or mature than my peers.
All of this took place within 4 – 5 months? Nah, move on.
It wasn’t planned, it just happened
You know practically every cheater says this, right?
You didn't accidentally consent to jumping on his dick any more than your fiance accidentally fell into someone's vagina.
Take some ownership of your decisions here.
As for truth and questions, your fiance is a big boy. I'd trust him to ask as much as he wants to hear, and answer honestly even if you think the answer will hurt.
Of course it'll hurt. You cheated on him. That ship has sailed.
INFO: What about that strange behavior made you want to marry hm?
This account will end up being deleted, i don’t care abt karma
Marriage needs to be built to in the first place. You seem to expect that it’ll just happen for some reason.
It’s time to go.
Because he’s said it to me and other people
Get away from the crazy person. She's probably going to go down the same woo rabbithole telling you vaccines are poison and that you should shove an amethyst crystal up your ass instead.
Ya, i wouldn't bother cooking for him either.
Cook for yourself and let him a grown man figure his own stuff out
If you do go through with this FOCUS on your wife. Don’t just use this as an opportunity to sleep with the friend. Work with the friend during the threesome to make your wife the center person. Have fun with the other lady but mostly about your wife.
Honestly the thing most about exes is them constantly asking for sexy pics or kink specific pics/videos. Nothing turns me on less than a guy going, “show me your tits or you masturbating.” Like dude. That's just mood killing.
My current partner doesn't ask for pics, and I don't ask him for any. I send them when I feel confident, he sends them when he likes. We respect each others time and moods.
It’s about the lack of trust
There’s two ways this could go: 1. Like others are saying, he’ll be abusive or 2. You’re dating a child.
I dated #2 before. Would not recommend and would stop myself easily if I had the chance to go back. He was selfish and couldn’t care about anyone other than himself; even when he did care about me it’s because I had to teach him how to.
He did something similar and bit me hard one day somewhere sensitive that I asked him not to. Did it again, but harder, because haha disrespecting boundaries is fun I guess right? Well, since it hurt so bad so quick, like a bug sting, I smacked him instinctively, like I would if a bug bit or stung me. It was nothing abusive and purely reflexive. He was shocked and hurt and played the victim, moping around as if I didn’t ask him to stop.
So, ask yourself: do you want to be in a manipulative relationship or do you want to be someone’s mother where you have to teach them to respect boundaries and be a decent human being? Because I personally had my fair share of both and want neither. You’re not old, but you’re also too old for this bs. You deserve (& will find) better, go get it.
“Black cat to match my holden retriever energy”
Please never say something that fucking cringe ever again, Jesus Christ.
But honestly, you're acting way too serious for a first date and it's creepy.
I'm sorry but he is going to lay hands on you at some point. Run.