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Date: October 17, 2022
Well if you are of one mind and he's of the other and the two of you never ever discussed anything in terms of a relationship, I'm sure he thinks you're his girlfriend. So obviously, if you don't want to be his girlfriend, you need to sit down with them and let him know so he can look for somebody else.
This makes me upset but im afraid to say something bc im afraid ill look like a golddigger or bratty. It makes me upset and its awkward so looking for advice
You see it. Don't be a doormat. You CAN leave him. You're afraid of the unknown…same reason exploited workers stay way longer than they should…the devil you know.
Also, my kiddo and his kids are factors. 2 months is too soon for me and it’s his decision on when he feels comfortable for me to meet his kids. I can’t make that decision for him. I think I’m also feeling that pressure.
Run for your life
I agree, and I am all for him having someone to talk to.. but it’s beyond that at this point. She will reach out and bring me up in a negative way.
she is shooting her shot. shoot her down.
i dont understand why your husband got upset….like if he didnt think he did anything wrong why’d he get defensive
I already said it before, his friend was there and I didn’t want to be demanding. There is also a fine line when it comes to communication in a relationship. It’s just the classic argument “my gf tells me she wants flowers, but when I give them she’s upset I didn’t do it without her asking”. It’s not the gift that matters, it’s the thought.
i have the kyleena, i believe it is hormonal
At my age I really don't give a shit if you listen to what I have to share or not.
I have been counseling since before you were born and I know that most
of the time stupid kids like you won't listen to anything at all.
If you knew so damn much you wouldn't be out on Social Media looking
for someone else to answer your questions………….. dumbshit.
then why my COCK get very hot when see them? ??
No one can consent when they are drunk.
Well… seems to have happened almost a lifetime ago. We all have a past, his just didn't include condoms. Whoops?
I feel on my behalf that I am healthy in this relationship or do you disagree
For a lot of guys it’s the equivalent of a girl using a vibrator. It’s simply a tool to get to the end faster. Id day for a lot of guys it’s purely visual, like you aren’t actually doing anything, it’s just visually arousing. Now sure you can have an addiction to it, but if it’s used in moderation it’s normal.
Lol. Anytime someone locks the door while showering it’s related to masturbating or sex? A shower curtain isn’t privacy. It’s to keep the damn water in! Come on, you’re joking right? I’m not saying OP isn’t doing sketchy things. I saw the comments about his history. But, wtf are these points you’re making. If someone comes in while I’m showering but there is a curtain, that’s not respecting my privacy. And it’s really fuckin weird. Locking the door makes it easier to rob you and attack women in the house? What about males? Is the robber checking the bathroom door to see if it’s locked before they commit crimes? I’m so confused. ?
Or maybe he blocked her because he didn’t feel like being stalked and insulted by someone who was busy taking umbrage at the fact he wasn’t interested. No contact, no problem.
I ain't saying she's a gold digger …
I'm in the process of legally taking full custody of our son and leaving
yeah yeah yeah. comin' at you from the bathroom stall. it ain't no number 2. it's the number one dj in this joint. give it up for u/cakivalue
I think she is very hot and he is hoping to change her so he can have a super hot girlfriend.
there's ALWAYS money involvements in relationships when 2 people online together. usually there's involvements when they don't online together.
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He moved as fast as an open relationship permits.
Then have a threesome or a one off
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I mean without the very occasion of sex, you could have this relationship with your sister.
Move on, bro. I know it’s very hot but you deserve to be happy add build a future with someone who can love you the way you need to be loved.
Doesn’t matter why this girl has these issues. She hasn’t had the self awareness to after them in at least 6 years. It’s not your problem to fix. Never time, don’t shop in the aisle of misfit toys.
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Thank you. I'm just scared. I felt that our relationship was rock solid, and I saw a future. I'm worried about the uncertainty. I've tried reading about it live, and many say it's sometimes a matter of compatibility. What if he's just lying to himself that this is it?
She had the chance to work on things already. she could have not gone. She did so anyway. She did things anyway. She decided she didnt want to work on things with you already. Sorry for your loss. Move on my dude.
You tell your wife, cut off your neighbour and let your wife decide if she wants to be with someone who cheats, them tries to minimise it.
She’s a 25 year old WOMAN. You act like girls are idiots who can’t make decisions for themselves, since he’s older she MUST be being taken advantage of. Lmao get a grip
You're welcome then
Not sure how a 34 yr old man is going to figure out basics like cooking and cleaning fast enough before he potentially burns down your house or gives you e-coli.
you did that really well
“He just met her! She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me.”
I can't FUCKING stand HR at my place of work, but I would forward them the messages I got. Just, to cover your ass. Also obv tell your colleague.
Yeah honestly… im so disappointed
The guy she cut off 10 years ago, sorry I should have been more clear in my post. Its just my brain is all over right now.
Why is it your responsibility to give her the best sex of her life! Does she have no,part in it?
Seriously.
You said it all yourself, your husband enjoys hurting you. There is absolutely no acceptable reason for this. Cut any communication or visits that aren’t child related and find a shark of a lawyer and get divorced. And, please, please do not give him any more satisfaction from hurting you. Don’t let him see your pain.
You just broke up on January 1st. It hasn’t even been a month yet. You say you’re doing this for you, and not for her, but honestly I find that very hot to believe and I’m sure she would too. You need to give it time – a lot of time, to prove that the changes you’re making are actually real and long-term.
ya it was a chump move by me, I know. but it was just so out of the blue for her to demand this. Like she had always been religious but never like this. this is basically extremist imo Forcing your religion onto others..That's what leads me to believe that she mightve found someone else, cheating etc and just didn't have the guts to tell me, so she made this up, even though to me it's a stretch, I guess It's not the crazies thing.
It's just sleepy sex! Tell him you're not into it. Or get into it! Nice way to wake up.
He didn't persist when you moved him away, if you've been together 8 months none of this sounds weird.
So he would want you,him and the baby to move in with his parents??And what happened to him not wanting a kid?
I am like 80% sure that the text 'for external use only' is somewhere on that lotion bottle due to people like your boyfriend.
I had a dog carry mine off down the street the one time he got out of the house growing up. It does happen. But tied in with everything else, it's weird.
I understand and appreciate your comments. I just need to know if I did something wrong. I don’t want to self sabotage my relationship but I also think it’s important to come clean when you’ve done something wrong. I’m the only one that lived through it so are my therapist and friends giving me the benefit of the doubt because they don’t want to hurt my feelings? I understand I have ocd and I understand that I overthink but this feels different. I forgot that it had happened because I didn’t care for her but after remembering it, I’m unsure if it was wrong.
As someone dating someone from the Balkans (Bulgaria) right now, aggression is not the way to show you're “not a pussy”.
Yes, there is a pretty deep patriarchal culture in a lot of the Balkans, but you don't have to lean into that shit. I am trans, and as you can guess, that does not bode well for my assimilation into Balkan traditional masculinity. But why would I give a fuck when my partner loves me regardless?
The way to win that game is not to play. There is nothing more masculine than just doing your own thing, rather than getting insecure over goddamn hearsay.
Secondly, even if you were that worried…why the fuck did you not just ask your ex-partner to translate? At least verify the accusation before you go gun-ho getting into this dudes face.
As it is, you've clearly shot your bolt. Take the L, leave her be, and don't pull this kind of thing in your next relationship. I also recommend working on your own self-esteem, because lashing out this spectacularly over hearsay based in a culture you're not part of says to me that there may be a lot of insecurity on your part.
As someone dating someone from the Balkans (Bulgaria) right now, aggression is not the way to show you're “not a pussy”.
Yes, there is a pretty deep patriarchal culture in a lot of the Balkans, but you don't have to lean into that shit. I am trans, and as you can guess, that does not bode well for my assimilation into Balkan traditional masculinity. But why would I give a fuck when my partner loves me regardless?
The way to win that game is not to play. There is nothing more masculine than just doing your own thing, rather than getting insecure over goddamn hearsay.
Secondly, even if you were that worried…why the fuck did you not just ask your ex-partner to translate? At least verify the accusation before you go gun-ho getting into this dudes face.
As it is, you've clearly shot your bolt. Take the L, leave her be, and don't pull this kind of thing in your next relationship. I also recommend working on your own self-esteem, because lashing out this spectacularly over hearsay based in a culture you're not part of says to me that there may be a lot of insecurity on your part.
There you go, know your worth. You deserve better.
Why don’t you read romance books then?
Dude just got sexually assaulted. There’s a time and place for advice, not when he’s trying to figure out what’s going on…
Why can't he propose before you move? That sounds like an excuse for avoiding commitment.
I feel so stupid for not considering this. I thought I did when I told her why I want to do it. But a sit down addressing her worries (if any) would be great to reassure her. Thank you
It doesn't matter if you don't want to break up with him, you have to break up with him. This gets worse not better. This is the real him. People can hold up a facades for 3mo to a year.
I def agree! And the confusion honestly comes from him not being sure what he wants. In a lot of ways he’s been honest, but then being jealous and not wanting me to date other people is why I mean it’s confusing, after encouraging me to do that. He’s not an asshole, and I’m appreciative for that. Thanks for your input it’s helpful
Why would you even try to deal with it? There is absolutely no reason to try to cope with the things he says or try to get him to stop. He is showing you who he really is so I suggest ending things with him immediately. A partner should be building you up end encouraging you to be the best version of yourself not tear you and your family down.
I'm really sorry my man, once the idea is in her head, there's no getting rid of it. It's only a matter of time before she acts upon her belief
I'm really sorry my man, once the idea is in her head, there's no getting rid of it. It's only a matter of time before she acts upon her belief
I just bought coins for the first time ever to give you and award and my dumb ass gave you 2. Identical awards. Please appreciate them??????
Yeah, one of the worst thing you can do is overthink yourself into feeling bad about something and then overthink yourself out of speaking up about it. Have a conversation with him.
Your family dynamics are super fucked up.
Clearly in this instance your wife was not irrational in her insecurity, but I'm not going to be as quick as the other commenters to dismiss the possibility that she is insecure. Huge numbers of people, both men and women, deal with insecurity of different kinds and if they don't address it it can be a real drag on a relationship. Clearly this instance is your burden to bear when it comes to dealing with Amy and responding to your wife's valid concerns in a way that shows her in no uncertain terms that she is valued and protected in the relationship, and that likely means cutting Amy off for good. But if she does show insecurity or jealousy towards female friends or coworkers in general, that is hers to own, and she will need to do work on her sense of security and self-worth to keep the relationship healthy. I've seen a lot of relationships flounder because one partner is constantly worried that their partner will leave them for someone “better”, and so often it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because they burn out with this worry and pull away from their partner, feeling it would be easier to not be with someone than be worried all the time. Hope you both figure this out.
What does that have to do with my penis lmfao
Why are you completely under reacting here?
This guy has written DANGER in 10ft high letters on a red flag, hired a small aeroplane and is flying it right over your house.
Honey, if you were my daughter, I wouldn’t care if we lost every deposit and I had to go house to house to tell those who had RSVPed that the wedding was canceled. What would break my heart is if you stayed with that abuser instead of letting me help you get away from him.
It’s not his fault wtf, we cannot decide what we are attracted to
While everything you said is valid, I think there is a tendency to obfuscate a darker side we all have within us, “the shadow self”. It’s not ONLY a matter of low self esteem. There is an attraction, an excitement felt by a lot of people in chaotic relationships. The victims stuck in a cycle of abusive relationships aren’t devoid of agency.
Do you have someone else in mind to live with? I ask because living with a stranger/acquaintance could definitely be worse than your friend. At least with him you already fully know what you're getting.
Hon, he sounds like a controlling abuser. I am certain if you think about it, you will see all the ways he isolated you and attempted to control you. A man that abandons his family is not worth a pile of shit. Get a lawyer. Move in with your mom. Divorce his ass.
All that aside, she can have whatever body hair she wants but you're not obligated to put it in your mouth, especially if it isn't clean. She can have a mature reaction to the idea of “if you can't finish any other way, let's have it be pleasant for everyone involved”, or the bedroom dies. Like there's really no two ways about it. You don't get to be gross AND difficult.
So if I still want to be friends there’s nothing I can do. Just wait and hope that she changes her mind?
I’ve asked another friend and she’s told me it’s silly to expect her to reach out to me, which does kinda make sense to me.
man think of it like this. she saw you crying.. she knows that this is fucking with your head. and she doesn't seem to care.
I also wanted to say that there's no way she didn't know Ashley's husband needs to be there. Sounds like she just wanted to get you on board before letting you know that. Sorry dude.
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Great men respect boundaries. Great men do not rape you. Great men understand the word no as a complete sentence.
Stop reposting this. You aren't going to get a new response.
Get furniture sliders, and you and her can slide things around together with barely any effort. You're still helping, rather than leaving the entire project up to her, and nobody is herniating a disc.
I made an appointment for you with your urologist next month.
Why?
Because something has gone wrong with your vasectomy. (then stare at him meaningfully while he connects the dots)
Guess not
well if she's more happier with it then I am too. its just an example in the difference we've had. I'm not even pretending about it if it helps her stay satisfied i'm happy for her then.
I mean…I know your concerned about how you feel about this and what he did but the fact that y’all aren’t very concerned about how the roommate felt is kinda crazy. He used her grief and took liberties.
She didn’t make a big deal about it bc of course as always, a man uses a cover to make a woman look ungrateful or insane if she objects.
This isn’t a matter of you CONVINCING him that he’s wrong. It’s a matter of YOU observing what he did and clocking how he treated your roommate. You see what he is and are willing to try to find a way to get over it instead of getting rid of a guy that acts that way. Some people will swallow absolute sewer water in order to stay in relationships.
You fucked this up and now you need to accept it and move on.
She blocked you and doesn’t want to communicate, you’re not owed an explanation or closure
I never thought that what she was doing was a universal problem in the first place and that I j felt uncomfortable by it. I don’t think I’ll address my feelings about this because I don’t want to seem very insecure and controlling.
Why is it assumed Sarah has to come with your best friend Bob? If Sarah's not a part of the bridal party, she is optional.
good for you, don't let anyone pressure you in to sex. you made the right choice.
OP, question. What’s her mom like? Does she have some childhood trauma?
Only asking because my best friend (since the 3rd grade) does the SAME EXACT THING to her husband. It hurts to watch it happen. Her mom used to freak out on them for being impolite and “embarrassing her in front of others” for things that were unreasonable to be upset about. She would come up with harsh and abusive punishments for it. My friend (without realizing it) is now mimicking this behavior because she grew up with it as “normal” and I don’t think she’s aware that behavior like yours is completely normal and acceptable. Like something in her brain needs to be re-wired. She reacts that way because she’s watching him do something that is burned into her mind as “taboo”.
I’ve been meaning to try and find a good time to have a heart to heart with her about it. It’s going to be a difficult conversation. I love her husband to death. He’s the only person in her life that’s ever treated her with the kindness and respect that she deserves.
Then you have no business dating or being in a relationship. Get a FWB
Idk. I had to Google free use, so maybe I don’t fully understand it, but even if you’ve expressed an interest in it, it doesn’t sound like something you’ve formally agreed to. Like, you didn’t have a plan or established rules. You’ve expressed interest but it doesn’t sound like you both said you’re definitely doing this.
Even if you had the agreement in place and even if you hadn’t told him you were too drunk, Wtf was he doing that you’re still hurting the next day? Giving him the full benefit of the doubt he sounds incompetent at best. Has he never heard of lube? Was he going too very hot? If so surely he had some idea he was doing that since when you’re awake and consenting you’ve probably given feedback. Idk. It just doesn’t go with your statement that he’s caring and your pleasure is important to him.
Even if your body were just an object like a book or a lawnmower, common courtesy is to return a borrowed item in good condition. I really don’t know how he could make this up to you. So much about it is just sketchy. I can’t imagine trusting him with free use in the future. He’s your partner and as the sober person in the situation he should have taken better care of you. I would be broken hearted that my partner wanted to use my unconscious body in a way that hurt me.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think you’re overreacting.
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it. I was thinking of taking a bit of space for now and maybe letting him reflect on everything. I know if I see a hint of this anger again though, I'm out of there.
I know domestic violence since everything with my dad. If I notice any sort of pattern, I'm leaving. So far he's not showing the sort of “oh babe I'm sorry its never gonna happen again” sort of pattern, since he genuinely seems to be sorry and understood he's fucked up.
I'm pretty close with his mum and we've talked about mine and his autism growing up. She told me he's been having these meltdowns since he was little and so have I, I've just learned to control him and he hasn't. She told me though that he's NEVER become physically abusive, just tends to break/throw his own things. Not that that's great either since that's still scary to be around, but I trust a bit more that he won't hit me.
Either way I know if this anger happens again, I'm leaving. I just hope he'll really realises what happened.
Keep the dog. Trade BF in on a new one.
I agree!!
I'm not trying to be a jerk here, so I apologize if I come off as such, but as a literal father of a two year old who's married, it's absolutely absurd to suggest that their friendship should be non-existent and that there's no time to have a social life.
Now, of course every situation is unique, but it's honestly an insane misconception that life ends after having a child. If parents give up their life outside of each other, it's because they chose to do so.
It is, however, important to know OP's friend's situation, which I asked in my own thread; is she a single parent? If she is, that adds complications, but unless there are financial issues, OP could get a babysitter if she wanted to. If there in fact are financial issues, then OP is being an asshole for lack of a nicer term.
If the situation is that the friend has a co-parent, be it live-in or otherwise, then that parent should be fully capable of taking care of their child alone every so often. I assure you my wife and I have dinner out with and without our toddler on a periodic basis. Do you have kids? They're really not as difficult as you seem to believe.
While he isn't legally responsible for being rear ended, there is a reason he keeps getting into accidents even if he is not at fault.
You can do all sorts of poor driving things that cause accidents without legally being at fault.
yeah OP he's such a blatant boundary abuser, I'd be worried about this too.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this, I think it’s nice that you guys were a strong unit when you were dealing with your diagnosis. However, caregiver burnout is real, im sure you do the best you can with whatever energy you do have, but she clearly feels like a need wasn’t being met for her. Maybe the fighting wasn’t helping…it could be a lot of things honestly.
I would just thank her for loving you and being there for you, and find a therapist who can help you transition to being single in a healthy way. I think giving yourself plenty of time to reflect on your relationships will help you a lot when the next person comes into your life…but I wouldn’t put too much focus on having a partner right now if I were you
You could tell him you’re ending it because you met someone else and watch his head explode.
I think you should focus on finishing up the divorce, doing some therapy to process things, and wait for about a year or so before you consider dating.
I wouldn’t even worry about this guy for now. His intentions are irrelevant. Get on your feet first. Then when you’re ready, ask him out if you want to. But for now? I’d spend your energy wrapping things up and organizing the coparenting.
How would you function if you were single, then?
What treatment are you getting for your ADHD?
Hello, I work in child development and you're 100% wrong! Family courts favor joint custody except in cases of abuse or other serious extenuating circumstances.
The reason fathers don't end up with custody is usually because they don't advocate for it. Men who advocate for custody almost always get it.
They might both have blackmail on each other?
I've seen too many people subconsciously and consciously keep best friends as a backup.
Yes, or the person without feelings takes the other person at their word when they say “oh, you're not interested…? ok, let's just be friends, I can totally handle that.” That's a lot easier to believe when that's already where you are. “Oh, they are ok being just friends? Well, that sounds fine, since that's where I'm at too!”
You're an addict in recovery yourself and while this gives you insight it also makes you vulnerable. I'm not saying necessarily vulnerable to using again but definitely vulnerable to the effects of the co-dependent relationships addicts have with the people around them. You're right about your wife's son and right about their relationship but you can't control that. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I honestly think that, for now at least, you need to get away, for your own sake but also for them. If your presence and your support for them enables his addiction and her denial then you have the insight to know that's not good. Aw fella, I am sorry.
He abuses your pets too? Wake up. Wake the fuck up. And quit hanging around your abusive ex too. It’s like you have signed up for every single kid-related activity that you ex does, maximizing your exposure to his abuse too. Wake the fuck up.
You need a new therapist.
How you have treated the interloper is honestly more respectful than I would have been.
Hopefully he breaks up with because certainly deserves better having read your post and commnets.
You don't seem to love him, only seem to love what he provides which is stability and a safety-net .
“Hey you're my life partner, but right now I want to date and screw a bunch of other people and see what's out there, but of course our love is so strong we will prevail and get married and of course that would be a closed marriage too at that point”
If you can't see awful and stupid that sounds…..
Break up with him, he deserves someone actually committed to him.