Hi.. never posted on this sub before. Don't really know if it's the right place to post at all. I'm usually very active on the giving advice part so this is new please bare with me. Putting in a NSFW simply because bleeding and traumatic birth description. I'll try keep it as non graphic as I can.
My husband (31M) and I (29F) have been excited for the longest time anticipating the birth of our daughter. It was a difficult pregnancy and we both had absolutely no clue wtf we are doing yet we were the happiest we'd ever been. We were about to be parents.
We went to the hospital on the 30th to endure labour since she was a few days passed her due date and we were just growing anxious. Turns out my blood pressure spiked severely and jesus when I say that labour pain is honestly the most excruciating thing in the world even as someone with a high pain tolerance I mean it.
I'm sorry for the tmi but I had alot of bleeding and I was honestly exhausted by the time I even started pushing, my husband was right there with me looking so terrified and I was basically passing out because I felt like I just couldn't do it, dr the attempted at doing an assisted extraction using a medical suction tool and that too failed.. so last resort was rushing me to surgery for a c section.
I was put under and woke up to being wheeled back to a room, I kept asking where she was and my husband just told me she was being taken care of and I needed to rest. Apparently It took longer than normal for me to even wake up.
When I was coherent enough.. I found out there had been some complications.. I was like but she's okay right? And my husband said yeah she's perfect. She just needed extra care because of how traumatic the birth was on both of us. My heart rate got dangerous low at one point too and my husband was dealing with all of this alone.
she stopped breathing and also ingested some fecal matter and it took 15 minutes of chest compressions to get her back again.. my husband had opted to wait to tell me this after I'd still Been put on high alert due to my blood pressure and he ddnt want me to risk spiking it again as tht was a major concern. Dr told me she is doing well, she's alive but they can't tell what kind of damage lack of oxygen might have to her brain. Is she is gonna be okay… or how it might affect her in the future because it's too early to tell the severity of it all right now.
I just stared at my daughter hooked up to all those tubes in a incubator, I walked to the bathroom and sat on the floor crying for an hour.
I feel like I failed her, my one job was to get her into the world safely and I couldn't do that, I couldn't do it right and she might suffer because of it, my husband thinks I'm mad at him for not telling me the truth earlier but I know he had a similar meltdown from what my family told me while the Dr's were trying to help me aswell. I told him I understand but I don't think he believes me.
I just can't talk to him properly.. I told him I failed us and he just keeps being amazing and positive and I feel like I don't deserve any of it. Granted it hasn't been a week yet. My daughter is still in a neo natal icu unit doing well but I feel like a horrible waste of the term mother and wife rn.
I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. How do I help my husband? My daughter? Lol myself? I know we need counseling but rn I'm still healing shouldn't be on my feet but I'm doing hospital runs to be able to see my daughter frequently and bring her the milk I pumped. All our focus is on getting her home atm. I have a BP check tomorrow because I'm on meds now ffs.. still dealing with stitches again.. this happened last Tuesday. It's fresh and I'm still on medication and so so so I'm fucking lost here people.
I don't know wht I want.. maybe just to vent. I've seen some pretty amazing people in this sub and I just feel utterly defeated atm.. I woke up from a nightmare dreaming about being bk on tht bed during labour pushing and I woke up crying with him holding me.
I just don't know where to go from here..
Edit: HI I'm Liz, my husband is John and our daughter is Leah. Edit 2: I haven't opened any comments I saw 2 pop up and I was in tears again so.. I'll slowly try to do tht.. just context I guess. Everyone in my family has kids most had them as teens and Liz as a only child to a single mom wanted commitment, marriage and stability so I'm the last person out of a big family to have gotten pregnant so late. NO ONE ever had issues so when I went on my due date..
"maybe something is wrong should I go to the hospital" Everyone said no it's normal to go past your due date you just have to wait.. so I waited a day.. and I was panicked and stressed but everyone kept telling me how irrational I was being despite my husband saying if I wanted to go we should go. I didn't wanna seem like the crazy new mommy that was overreacting. So I waited another day.
I guess I'm constantly thinking about how I should've gone in, I shouldn't have waited, I should've been less nice at the hospital and made more of a fuss when I felt like I was losing too much strength during my contractions even. I work with kids, I fucking love kids! I've always wanted them. Leah might have issues with her motorskills, her speech, her brain development even as a whole. She is currently on antibiotics and a feeding tube even tho she has shown she is a fighter. In no way am I gonna love her less if she has any difficulties. I have worked with special needs kids but the reality is I know how hot shit is for them. And me feeling like I waited too long and I Cldnt just pop put 10 kids like my grandmother made me feel like I was just not fit for any of this.. thank you so much to everyone commenting.
I am gonna try read through them rn.. ♥️
Edit..3?: I've read and replied to alot of you. I am filled with such gratitude honestly and I really feel a bit lighter reading everyone's comments. I know I'm likely suffering from PPD and I will bring it up.. tho rn Leah is my priority even tho again I know I should take care of myself too. I will speak to my husband about my feelings and maybe show him the post. I know it's not my fault logically and just my bad mental state clouding my judgement. I have an appointment for my blood pressure today and then heading to the hospital. My husband brought me some cereal so I am gonna take my pills and watch some stupid tik toks he is showing me. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE! really. You all brought me fully to tears and hearing all of the wonderful stories so similar to Leah's gives me alot of hope for my family. I'm gonna eat and get my day started. If I get any news about Leah coming home.. I will definitely update the post for now. I'm gonna step away from my phone.
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