This is an anonymous account because I continue to be ashamed of myself.
10 years ago I did a terrible thing. I had sex with my best friend’s boyfriend. Below some context but I kept it simple because I really don’t want to justify it. It was shitty, period.
I shared an apartment with my friend, let’s call her Alex, and her first serious boyfriend, Daniel. We were all in our early twenties, Alex and I 22, Daniel 20-21ish. We met in college, became a tight knit group in drunken stupors. When moved in, we lived the life of high functioning addicts: working during the day, getting shitfaced at night.
A few months before the night, I got a job offer in another state, which I gladly accepted. By that time I was very deep into my own addiction and depression and longed for a radical change of scenery to change myself. I didn’t share this with anyone in my life.
The whole “incident” is a blur. I don’t remember what shitty decisions we made, or not even how it was. I remember the immediate regret and shame.
I hoped it’d never come out but of course it did and Alex was rightfully super pissed. I owned up to it, took the blame. I cut ties with all the common friends, so she could have them. I never talked with Daniel (he was the one who told Alex). They moved out and stayed together for another couple of years.
I moved away and started a new life. 10 years passed. 2 years ago Daniel wrote to ask me how I am doing. We had a short, decent but distant chat. Mainly just agreeing on that we were both stupid, what we did sucked and now we’re somewhere else in life and happy.
What triggers me to write this post is that a few days ago Alex wrote. She just hit me with a “how are you”. I left it on read and I don’t know if and what I should answer.
If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want anything to do with her. (Nor Daniel…). I have two kids, I work full time, have a full life. My husband knows my past and I also had therapy both alone and with him. I know the whole thing was a shitshow and if I could go back, I’d have never did what I did.
But it does bug me why she wrote. What does she want? What does she think after all these years? Why the f is she writing now?
I thought I put this part of my life behind me, but maybe it’s not as closed as I thought after all.. I don’t know what to do.
Edit to add: why I replied to Daniel and have doubts about answering to Alex: Daniel wrote one long text about why he’s reaching out and where he’s in life. I replied basically that ok, good for you, I’m good too, take care. With Alex, I’m missing the intention behind her open ended “how are you”. It’s just not as easy to reply to and I don’t really want to get into anything with her.
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