Last night started pretty normal. Husband and I had a pretty laid back evening. For background, we had a pretty stable relationship; we have a good division of labor and don't argue about finances. There have been a few naked button issues that keep recurring over our 15 year relationship; 10 year marriage.
The first is that his family walks all over me when they come to visit. They have gotten somewhat better, but still treat my home like it's their personal Airbnb: taking over my kitchen, taking the remote and choosing what we are watching on TV, declaring what will be for dinner, setting up games at the table and saying everyone is going to play, and inviting additional people to come and stay without asking. I feel invisible and disrespected. Husband knows this, and has spoken to his dad, who has improved a little.
The second is that SIL gave an ex girlfriend Husband's phone number when they ran into each other right after Husband and I got married. Husband usually had me check his phone when he gets messages while working in the yard to determine whether it's important enough disturb his work. I see these messages where she is majorly flirty, complaining about her marriage (she is now divorced), and reminiscing on their old relationship. I felt betrayed. I told Husband that I felt uncomfortable with him messaging her. He explained SIL gave her his contact info and they started messaging. I felt doubly betrayed. He said he didn't see a reason not to keep messaging her.
Third: we moved for his career 2 times, so I often don't know people in our new locations. When we go to events, he completely leaves me alone where I don't know anyone. I've asked him to stay with me while he mingles with people, but he continues to "disappear" at parties. Recently, we went to New Orleans for a wedding. During the second parade he took off running ahead and left me alone marching in the back down the darkness of Bourbon Street.
There are others issues… for the past 3 months our sex on-line was completely dead. Anyway, last weekend SIL came to visit. She was fine at first, but then took over the kitchen. Then she took our clothes out of the washing machine (not washed yet) and put her clothes in. She had her foster children there and the whole time she yelled, and yelled, and yelled at them. I was so exhausted hosting and overwhelmed by the yelling. I think the 4 year old spent more time standing looking at the wall in time out than doing anything else. I was so overstimulated and sad the whole time. She left on Tuesday and I had nightmares about her yelling and the children crying for days afterward.
So on to last night. I asked Husband if he saw a message I sent on FB. I don't usually use FB, so he was surprised and said he didn't get it. He got his phone and showed me. I see the name of Ex on the list of people he has been messaging. After the exhausting weekend feeling disrespected, this was just like a punch in the stomach. I agreed that I didn't see the message and showed him on my end that it was sent. We agreed it was odd.
Later, I could not hold it in. I said I saw Ex on his messages. I was hurt. He got defensive and said it's fine. Nothing is going on. I said it still upsets me. He yells and brings up all sorts of things that were not related. I started watching his body language. Time seemed to slow down and it was like I was no longer in my own body. I calmly and slowly walked up to him. Took my ring off. Put the ring in his hand and said. "I'm done. It's over. I'm going to take my things out of our room and sleep in the guest room. Keep your friend. I'm done." At the time I was so eerily calm. I meant what I said.
I still cannot believe I did this. I still think I meant it. I really love my husband, but I am not feeling loved. It feels like I'm trying to puppeteer a skeleton in this marriage. I don't know what to do now. We are talking civilly this morning but have not brought it up. I am torn. Part of me can't see what a life without him would look like, but another part doesn't know that this is a situation I can sustain. We have gone to counseling before, but it was not helpful. I always left feeling worse, and so did he. What are your thoughts? Advice please!
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