My wife (33 F) and I (32 M) met in college. She was in a marketing program, and I was in computer science. She ended up not finishing her degree, but got a fairly good starting job in the field anyway because her friend’s dad hired her for his business. While she got her job through nepotism, I do know that she is talented and good at it. I finished my degree. We don’t on-line in a high dollar area for careers and have stayed because it’s close to her family. She started out at about 35k a year, and I started out at about 65k a year. Flash forward to now- she is making 50k a year and I’m making 100k. It still doesn’t feel like we are doing all that well. Sure, the bills are always paid and we can eat at the occasional nice restaurant, but we were barely able to afford a lower middle class house. We can’t afford to go on jet-setting exotic vacations. We don’t online paycheck to paycheck, but the money just doesn’t ever go as far as you would think.
The thing is, I’m happy! I grew up dirt poor and my parents were always stressed. My wife and I never are. We have a nice (albeit modest) house. We can afford our small hobbies and comforts. We can go on vacations within the continental US, we just can’t really afford to go to Hawaii or the Caribbean. We aren’t rich, but we have it so much better than so many people. I feel truly thankful and content.
She, on the other hand, has fallen deeper and deeper into depression and it’s always the same things she talks about. She wants a new car. She wants hugely expensive renovations to the house (that we don’t actually need- the house was updated when we bought it). She wants to go shopping for whatever specific brand of clothes or makeup. She wants a two week vacation in Maui or Paris.
She recently just keeps talking about how she’s not where she thought she’d be at this point in life. She goes on and on about it. She compares us to our friends and how good they have it. The thing is, those friends she is comparing us to are people who come from generational wealth. They have it good because their parents handed it to them. She can’t seem to come to terms with just how good we truly have it- all she can see is what we don’t have.
The most frustrating thing is that a lot of our financial situation (that, again, I’m comfortable with) is held back by her! She’s making about as much money as she can in her field without a degree. I am making twice what she is now, and I’m not done moving up the ladder. I’ve tried over and over again to get her to go back to school but she just won’t. At this point it might not even matter. Her credits are so old I don’t even know if they would count anymore and she’d probably have to start over. On top of all that, she makes comments like “I thought when I married a software engineer that I wouldn’t have to work anymore.” Basically alluding to the fact that I’m not making enough to fit her lifestyle.
I love her, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of coming home from a busy day at work, thinking that I’ll finally get to relax and decompress, only to hear her constant negativity about money. I’ve talked with her so many times over the years and in so many ways but I just can’t get through to her. We’ve tried couples counseling but it did little. I’ve begged her to do personal counseling but she isn’t interested. I’m at the end of my rope and I’ll take any advice out there. At this point I almost want to tell her to divorce me already so she can find a nasty 50 year old divorcee to be her sugar daddy.
What can I do to help her accept our lot in life? Or is it time that I stop wasting energy and let her go?
submitted by /u/Otherwise-Carob8799
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