Hi, throwaway here.
My wife of nearly 10 years has a history of at least once straying, but that was prior to marriage. There have been other suspicious circumstances, including once when a man (she says he was her DD) stayed overnight at our apartment while I was out of town, but she insists nothing happened. Recently, my wife went to a work conference with several male colleagues. On the first night there, they all went out to the bars. That went well past midnight. We share our locations on our phones and I hadn’t heard from her so I checked her location. She was at a hotel that wasn’t hers.
I FaceTimed her and she didn’t pick up. I called again and she picked up with the phone facing toward the ceiling/wall corner, with her from the shoulders up. I heard a male voice for a half second and then complete silence. She was eating a slice of pizza. I asked her what she was doing and she said “eating pizza”. I asked her where and she didn’t answer. She looked nervous. I asked her to spin the phone around so I could see what was going on. She hung up instead.
I called her back and she didn’t answer. I called again and she picked up and was walking fast through a hotel hallway. She made it outside and we talked on the way back to her hotel. She was nervously grinning the entire way back. She was very drunk. She was acting sort of angry with me. I’m not sure about what, angry I called, angry at the obvious sort of implied situation?
I asked her to explain the situation and she says that she left the bar with 2 male coworkers to return to a hotel room where another male coworker had pizza. She says that she didn’t realize how the situation looked until I called her and that she then panicked. She says that she didn’t pan the phone around because she knew I would be upset. When I pointed out that she immediately told me that she was there with 3 men, so what information was she hiding by not showing me the room. She then said that she didn’t pan the phone around because it would have been embarrassing.
I’m trying to figure this out and come to terms with whatever happened. My gut feeling is that maybe she is lying and there was only 1 man there and they were doing more than eating pizza, or planning on it? Otherwise, my thought is that it is obviously inappropriate and crosses boundaries she knows that I have, so at best it is extremely disrespectful to me and our marriage. I’m trying to figure out if we should get divorced. She insists this is all because she wanted a slice of pizza. Is that realistic? Am I being gaslit?
Please help
Edit: not sure if it really matters all that much but here are the answers to some questions people have had and also some additional info.
All 3 men she alleges were in the hotel room she also alleges she was with at the bar, doing karaoke. They are all married with kids. She is in a position of authority in the organization and is at least 2 levels above them. They are all older than her. It’s a male dominated field. Her boss was there but left earlier in the night. On her way back to her hotel, about 20 seconds after leaving the first hotel, a man approached her telling her she was going the wrong way. (I was on FaceTime) She says that was one of the men from the room and he must have chased her out. The situation from before marriage, she just disclosed to me last year. She gave me all three phone numbers so I could verify. I’m pretty sure there will be terrible career consequences for her if I do so. I’m also not certain I could trust their word anyway. The DD from years ago was also before marriage and he drove her car, which is a partial explanation but obviously still incredible bullshit. She did tell me about that the day after but I think she was concerned I would find out some other way.
I asked and she said that she would be willing to take a polygraph and also that she would sign an agreement that she would not get to keep anything beyond her retirement and personal affects in divorce if she were to fail, although I doubt that would be enforceable. She says she wants to go to counseling and quit drinking.
I’m not sure if there is anything else to add at this point.
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