My wife comes from a family with addiction issues. We've been together for 15 years, married almost 10, and we have two children. We have a good relationship, there's never drama, and we've been building an excellent life together.
There was a period early on in our relationship where my wife's drinking got excessive. She went to meetings, was sober 18 months, and slowly reintroduced alcohol in a way that perhaps we were fooling ourselves was acceptable. She's always been the social outgoing one, I'm the more analytical and rational one. Fast forward a bunch of years and we own a house, careers are great, and our kids are the pride of both our lives.
I've never had concerns with my wife going too far when drinking. Sometimes it's been in excess, but the environments she was doing it in left little room for things to really go too off the rails. She recently went on a girls trip and ultimately ended up doing (a lot) of coke, which she had a strong affinity for in college, and had sex with a guy while very high on coke.
I found out, we talked, I'm having a very hot time processing things. I know I'll never be able to fully trust her alone or with a group of friends again. I don't think it was an emotional thing, I don't think she meant to hurt me or the family, but she absolutely enjoyed the coke and intentions or not, I now need to find a way to on-line with this infidelity for the rest of my marriage.
Honestly I think the odds of it happening again are slim, and I don't feel any emotional betrayal. But I don't have the deep, unwavering trust I had before. I don't see how I'll ever have it again. We agreed that she'll need to be sober moving forward, thats just the reality of things. I'm encouraged her to take the rest of the week off work to talk to her doctor about her medications and also to find a therapist asap.
She doesn't drink to black out excess, or really what most would consider to be "too much", but in the sense of an alcoholic, once she starts going, she can't always stop, and if I'm not around to help keep her on the tracks, then clearly she can fall off them.
Part of me wishes I was angrier. I am, I'm shaking, I'm furious, but I also feel like the price to insulate my kids from this is a discomfort and burden I have to just deal with. I can't imagine disrupting their home life, I don't want a divorce, mainly because I couldn't bear to take my kids away from a household where both parents get along and I think still do love each other.
I'm not good at processing grief. I'm not really sure if I should even burden a friend or family member with this, part of me doesn't want to let the outside world know what my wife feels incredible shame over. At the same time, I can feel myself suppressing my anger and sadness, and I'm worried I'm just going to be a shell going through the motions.
Ive never been to counseling, I don't know what my insurance covers or what I would even say. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as my wife, honestly I just want to be alone. Part of me wants to feel the grief I know I should be feeling, but my "mature, responsible, thoughtful" nature is keeping me from almost feeling anything, and maybe that's even scarier to me.
Does anyone have any advice on what steps to take?
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