My fiancé and I have been together for 14 years, have two children together and another on the way. He had an ex prior to me, which initially started as a friendship and turned into a relationship. They were together for a few years and he thought that this was the person he would spend the rest of his life with. He mentioned that towards the end of their relationship, she didn't seem too interested in their relationship and after some back and forth, he ended the relationship. The ex ended up with her husband and him and I got together a few years later.
Throughout our years together, he would tell me that ex would reach out to wish him a happy birthday, but no more than a quick how's life, hope everything is well kind of thing.
I'm guessing within the past few years, ex and her husband have been having a rocky relationship and they are no longer together. Not sure at what point she reached out to my fiancé, but ex mentioned that her husband was abusive, putting her in the hospital, and that her first two children were not conceived out of love (so as to not use the r word).
About two months ago, my fiancé asked me whether I would be okay if she could rent an apartment from his parents [fiance's parents own rental properties] because she had left her husband and needed somewhere to go. At this point is when he told about how they'd be talking again and told him about her abusive relationship. He had asked his mother about ex potentially renting an apartment to which his mother said he should ask me whether I would be comfortable with this. I asked him why he hadn't told me before about ex reaching out to him and telling him about her troubles, to which he had no real response. I told him that he was putting me in a bad position because if i said no to ex renting a family property, I would look like the bad guy, leaving the ex potentially on the street with her children after an abusive release. I told fiance that if he had told me that ex was reaching out from the beginning and that if he had told me all along about her troubles, I might feel okay about her renting. But, seeing as how I feel like he was hiding their conversations from me, I wasn't. I told him that if he felt the need to hide their conversations, this was a red flag to me. He assured me that he has no interest in a relationship with her, he's simply trying to help her out. He also mentioned that at one point, ex got drunk because she was upset about her relationship ending and that she asked my fiancé to come pick her up because she couldn't drive to where she needed to go. He told her he couldn't, and I told him that I felt she was crossing boundaries at this point.
Yesterday, fiancé tells me that he mentioned to ex that I was uncomfortable with their conversations, to which he said that ex said "I told you". WTF?! If ex had a suspicion, why would she not back off. Ex mentioned that she would like to meet me so that I can see that their rekindled relationship is simply friendly. I said I wasn't interested, not just because ex is the ex, but because I really don't have interest in meeting new people (I'm very much an introvert and hate awkward interactions). He then told me that ex has been accepted into some sort of treatment and has no one she trusts to watch her dog and was asking whether we could because we have dogs. I do not know this dog, do not know how this dog would get along with my dogs and most importantly, my children. And honestly, have already too much to deal with to bring in another dog. I don't want to worry about another dog creating messes in my house.
I asked fiancé again why he didn't tell me that they were still communicating to which he had no answer. To really drive this home, he told me that he told ex about my current pregnancy. Our family isn't even aware yet. I asked him why he did this when I have clearly told him that I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet. He says he's excited about the pregnancy. My thing is that out of all the people/closer friends he could've told, he decided to tell ex. I walked away at this point, because I was truly shocked at the fact that he told her this.
Sorry for the long post, but i would just like some perspective as to how to handle the situation from here. I have always been very clear to fiancé that if he ever found someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore, he could simply tell me and I would let him go. I would never hold him back or force him to be in a relationship with me. But, I want him to be upfront about it versus him going behind me back.
What's bothering me the most about this whole situation is the secrecy and the fact that ex is aware of how much this relationship could bother me but chooses to go forward anyway and now what's to meet me so that I'm okay with it.
Thanks for listening!
UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who has commented by far. There are some posts concerning about why we aren't married after so much time together. The reason is me. I don't want to marry him yet because he made some bad financial choices in the past and he's still trying to correct them. I don't want be dragged into that mess.
To add, my fiancé is ridiculously generous. Like, give you the shirt of his back if you asked for it generous. I've seen people take advantage of this and I know his ex knows this quality about him, which is why I feel she's reaching out the way she is. We spoke earlier and he keeps telling me that he's committed to me and wants to be with me and that the only reason he's listening and wanting to help is because of the friendship they once had. I told him that after 14 years of casual, ex wanting him to pick her up drunk and asking us to watch her dog for a month is just unusual.
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