It feels so very hot and painful even to type, I wish it had never happened
My wife (Hannah) and I are highschool sweethearts, and have been together since we were 15 & 16 respectively. Idk if it's relevant or not but I was her first everything while I had been with one girl before her. I have always known my wife as an incredibly beautiful, smart, witty, bubbly, and most importantly compassionate person. Due to how gorgeous she has always been, guys have always hit on her (sometimes even in my presence) but she only chose me and I have always been really proud and glad of that. We got married 2 years ago, been together for 9 years, and till this point it has always been an immensely happy and smooth relationship with barely any arguments/fights at all and lots of love and loyalty. Everyone who knows us says that we never left the honeymoon phase and we believed it as well – going on regular dates, giving gifts, exciting sex life, etc. She never did anything which would give me any reason to not trust her/doubt her. All of this makes it harder for me.
Hannah has 6-7 close friends, all women, and one friend she's incredibly close to is Amanda (F22). Hannah and Amanda are BFFs (their own words) and have known each other for about 6 years. They do everything together and spend all their time with each other, be it with the other girls as well or just the two of them. They share all their secrets, feelings, issues etc with each other and I used to be happy that Hannah had a trustworthy bestfriend in her life. I have never been the jealous kind because I had immense trust in Hannah and knew she'd never violate it, in fact I never even fought any guy who hit on her because she turned them away herself. When it came to Amanda, I had just one issue, I felt she was a bit too close to Hannah – like frequently touching/grabbing her (like her face, arms, back, thighs, whatever; playfully slapping Hannah's butt whenever she got the chance, etc) and this felt a bit inappropriate to me but ik female friendships are different from male ones and they're a lot more touchy so I didn't object, plus Hannah told me that's how Amanda is, even though I never noticed Amanda being like that with the other girls, only Hannah. Also, Amanda is openly bisexual, but I didn't say anything to my wife because I didn't want to soil their special relationship.
I think I've already given too much background so let's come to the incident itself. Last weekend the girls were having a girls' night and going to a concert and then to a bar. They left from our place at around 7pm and Hannah told me she'd be back by around 1am. At roughly 12:50am I saw their instagram post still at the bar so I thought they were just having fun for longer and sent her a 'Take care' message. Eventually I drifted off to sleep since I wasn't really concerned because she was with friends and they're all responsible. She eventually came back home at around 6:30 in the morning with her hair and makeup messed up a little and she was avoiding eye contact with me and behaved oddly. She just went to sleep. This got me anxious but I thought she was probably just really tired. I waited for her to wake up, which she did at around 12 and then took a shower. I asked her how the night was and she said it was good but she didn't feel chatty or bubbly like usual. I sensed something was off so I asked her what's wrong but she didn't reply. Eventually after about 10 mins of me insisting that she tell me what's going on, she broke down in tears and hugged me and said she fucked up and asked me not to hate her. At this point I had a mini-heart attack and thought she had cheated on me with some guy. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that last night she slept with Amanda. This not only shocked me but confused me to the core. I calmed her down and told her to tell me everything in detail.
As Hannah told me, after being done with the concert and the bar, most girls left but Amanda, Hannah, and two others went to Amanda's place for a while to relax before going home, this was around 2:30am. After about 30mins the other two also left for their homes so it was just Amanda and Hannah. At first they were just hanging out and having fun, having some wine. Then Amanda started flirting with Hannah, telling her how nude she is, and got handsy, and she just went with the flow because she was quite drunk and also because she was enjoying it. After a while of this, Amanda kissed my wife which she says "sent this strange pleasure down her body" so she didn't stop it and they ended up having sex. Even though I didn't want to listen more about my wife having sex with someone else, I pressed her for more details like what exactly did they do and how long for, and very shamefully she said they did it for about 2 hours and told me what all they did, which is basically every sexual thing two girls can do to each other. I didn't say anything to her because I was stunned. She said she's really guilty and she loves me very much. I told her it's a lot for me and I need to think so I left for a walk. Honestly I don't even understand how to react. I talked to several friends and while some said it's just like regular cheating, some said it's not a big deal because it was with another girl. I'm confused because honestly, I am indeed a little bit relieved that it wasn't with some other guy as I suspected initially, but at the same time even if it was a girl, it wasn't me, and she shouldn't have hooked up with anyone. And the thing which really hurts is that I have always been supportive of her and had she told me that she wanted to sexually experiment with girls, I probably would have supported her because ik she's never been with anyone else and to me a girl sleeping with a girl is not the same as doing it with a guy, which leads me to think that maybe I feel hurt not because she slept with Amanda but because she misused my trust and didn't consult me.
I don't think I'd be able to make rational decisions right now so I need advice about how to proceed. Apart from this, she has never done anything wrong throughout the relationship and even now she's extremely apologetic since she knows I'm hurt and has been begging me not to leave her because she says she'll die if I leave her. What should I do?
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