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Collin Wilson, 25 y.o.
Location: Rhode Island, United States
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Live! Live Sex Chat rooms Collin Wilson
Date: October 24, 2022
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Ok- this has all the makings of an absolutely terrible situation for you. The reason people wait for years before getting married, is that you need a really complete picture of the person before you know you're ready for a life with them. The first year, maybe two, you have a honeymoon phase where everything is new and exciting and you haven't had any fights or struggles or even shared responsibility. It's very easy to think everything is perfect when you haven't had enough time for anything bad to happen yet.
Five years may be a longer time than most, but five months is silly. Before you marry someone, you should:
— Have lived on your own as an adult for at least a year.
— Have weathered a major argument
— Have weathered a major life event where each of you had to be supportive to the other
— Have discussed all of the normal long term goals couples need to be compatible on, and know where your head is at on them. At 20, you may not know if you want kids, what you want your career to be, etc. How can you sign on for a life with someone when you don't even know if you agree on these things?
— Have seen how they perform in their day to day life for a long period of time- years. Whether they keep friendships, keep jobs, make smart financial decisions, keep their home clean when living at home, take care of their health and responsibilities, have healthy attitudes towards relationship dynamics, etc.
Add to that the long distance, and you don't even really know this person the way you would know someone you had dated five months in person. Long distance means you never get any of the non-verbal cues people have when they talk, and especially when they lie, which tell you as much if not more than the words they're saying. When you are with someone you can see them break eye contact, roll their eyes, shift restlessly, get angry, and a lot of other things that would normally be warnings. There's also a filter on your verbal communication, because it's all filtered through push to talk, or planned intentional phone calls. You don't get to hear their knee-jerk reaction to things. You don't hear the way they talk to and treat other people out in the world.
And then there's the age gap. In a few years, 7 years will be less of a big deal, but you're 20, probably haven't had a lot of life experience outside of your parents and school, and your brain hasn't finished developing biologically. At 27, he should be at an entirely different life stage than you, and if he's not it means he's stunted maturity wise, and you're going to outgrow him in a couple of years if you are not stunted.
But the biggest issue is that at his age, HE KNOWS ALL OF THIS. He's counting on your inexperience to not know how incredibly dangerous and creepy this is. He's counting on you not recognizing love bombing and the classic set up to put you in a reliant and therefore vulnerable position so the can abuse and/or control you.
You haven't described this in your post, but ask yourself how many of these describe him:
– He started heaping on huge amounts of praise all the time, even when you feel like he hasn't known you long enough to make that decision.
– He said I love you really early.
– He gives you compliments which make you feel uneasy after, like they sounded like they were supposed to be nice but the way he said it made you feel badly about yourself. Like “Other guys may not like XYZ about you but I love it” or “I never really liked brown hair, but yours looks nice.”
– He encourages you to get into situations where you're dependent on him- move away from friends and family, get on his phone plan, give up your car, combine finances very early on, be a stay at home partner, etc.
– He commiserates really well when you're upset at other people in your life, and encourages you to cut them out, and sometimes even tries to convince you that you should be upset with someone who hasn't bothered you.
— He's possessive of your time and attention, and sulks or seems jealous when you don't give most or all of it to him.
— He makes small, seemingly harmless demands which you know he doesn't have the right to do but it's over such tiny things you end up just giving in (don't wear green, don't cut your bangs, don't eat licorice.)
If this sounds like him, you are in danger.
I've had two abortions in my past… and I can absolutely tell you that this is NOT acceptable behavior from a (hopefully) ex.
It's a controversial decision, of course. But that was YOUR decision. You have the right to make it.
After telling him, in confidence about what you went through… he acts like that?? And he decides to bring it up during a fight of all times and throws it in your face??
To me, There's really not coming back from something like that.
You deserve better.
My suggestion – run far and run fast. You need to deal with this with supportive friends and family, maybe a therapist if you can afford it.
But Not. him.
My friend I am sorry for this but don’t you want someone who cares as much as you care?
sunk-cost fallacy noun the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
It’s ok to not want to merge households (it’s outside of the norm) and still be in a long-term, meaningful, supportive relationship. It does need to be negotiated and discussed and agreed by everyone.
I have other dependents and merging households just isn’t worth that effort but my relationships with other SOs (poly) are long-term – I wouldn’t hesitate to help anyone at 3am for whatever reason (and vice versa). Some people just need space. It’s hot to always be compromising with another person for 10, 20, 30+ years.
However, the way he’s approach is definitely not the way to go!
He has chosen to leave you behind. He is just not man enough to admit it. You are not being selfish. You are being mistreated. You were not the one wasting time. He was. These are his choices & you are experiencing the fallout of his decisions.
Well this one keeps telling her dad the details of her relationship despite OP asking him not to.. The same dad that's threatening to kill him. That's enough