Honestly she probably said that to get some reaction out of you and that's kind of a bit toxic of her to do that. I guess the only reason she would do that was because she was feeling insecure on how things were between you two.
Nah I'm gonna do it. If I open up about my issues, it's just gonna scare everyone away so I have to hide them. I have no intention on using them as my therapist.
Thank you!!! All of this exactly, Including the not ostracized son and girlfriend. I come from a family who uses holidays to punish or promote judgement on others and then they wonder why people don't want to come or be around them and don't call or visit.
If there is other family/friends that you can stay with, leave. If not, stay as calm and polite as possible for the reminder of your stay.
When you leave, tell your Mom that her abusive behaviour has destroyed her relationship with you, and that you will not be back in contact with her again.
Tell your Dad that if he wants to press charges, that you will give a statement to the police for him.
Your behavior is very unprofessional. Going out for drinks, fine, but doing tons of shots?
And you are also reckless. You got so drunk you were throwing up and you wanted to DRIVE???? Otherwise, why would this dude be walking you to your car?
And where was the coworkers when he was talking to his wife on the phone? That's not clear at all. Did you pass out in your car? Or did he take you to your house and stay there? Because if I had a drunk coworker, I'd take them to my house and dump them on the couch. I wouldn't be driving them to their house and staying there to see if they don't choke from their own vomit.
If you don't want problems at work, don't get so fucking drunk that you want to drive yourself and then you pass out.
Sorry to be harsh but if you need your family's input to make this decision it doesn't sound like you are mature enough to have a child. If you decide to keep it, what will you do if your family tell you they don't want a baby in the house. How will you pay for a baby if you can't afford your own home, childcare, formula, etc, it's all expensive. It is yours and your husbands decision to make, not your family & someone on reddit. There are many things to consider when making this decision.
/u/ThrowRa-MyMarrige please listen to this individual, their comments are solid gold. If you've been in therapy for a while then I dare say it's worth trying someone else, because your husband is not the arsehole here (that's your “friend” in case you were wondering) and your current mindset is hurting you both.
Get help before the bad seeds your evil witch of a “friend” planted completely destroy your marriage.
As sweet as the love and chemistry may be for the moment, if you’re in this for the long run you gotta take what’s in the future into consideration. She’s made her choice, and you’re free to make yours. While she may feel the chemistry and attraction and does love you, she loves her family just as much if not more. Between moving with you and staying with her family, she has firmly chosen the latter. Which isn’t necessarily a problem as long as you don’t wholeheartedly hate Ohio and don’t think you will resent her if you decide to stay, you can still find a good opportunity in Ohio and live a good life there.
But if you really don’t like the place and only staying for her, just make sure you won’t resent her for it in the future. Don’t set yourself up for a miserable marriage after the intense chemistry fades.
You wrote this post like you’re a victim but you’re not. You were the first time when you found out your bf was a piece of shit. Now you’re just stupid.
Fantasizing about a child free future with your partner does not equal having a proper conversation before fantasizing about having a child free future.
I didn’t block you, lol.
No, the other person did. The one who insulted me and then blocked me. Like a coward.
I should add this. Prior to the appointment described above with the mortgage broker, she said that if we were planning to get married in 2024, we didn't need to worry about a contract and everything would be fine.
In the second conversation, as described above, she said the opposite and that we had to do it. Hence the frustration that we suddenly had to do it while she told us at first we didn't have to worry about it.
One alternative is getting legally married, not holding a ceremony of any kind, and then doing the wedding that you want in 2024.
We weren't planning a traditional wedding anyway. We just want to get married legally, invite some family and friends to celebrate with us and that's that. No church or fancy wedding dresses or anything.
We never liked such a big party because we are both introverts and don't like to be the center of attention.
That's a fair point to take, and I agree 18 for most is a pivotal time in their lives, and I will say based on other little updates the OP gave, it does sound like the guy is pretty immature so if I had all the details, doesn't sound like he's the guy.
You realize that minus the SA, this is also you? Only you weren't a stranger, you were someone she trusts and loved. You are the monster you describe above. You just don't seem to get how bad what you did actually is. Nit because you wanted her to know she needs to be more careful, but because you saw fear, tears, humiliation in her face and kept going. How are you better from the Stanger on the street who does the same? Sees fear, terror and humiliation and keeps going.
Love how you are like “I know am the bad guy, but…” understand that yeah, you are the bad guy, no but.
Your son is, in fact, the innocent toddler who is at the whim of his silly mother who thinks some 40 year old loser is daddy material. He should be your priority.
Sadly, she's a walking meme. She's the girl who only has guy friends because, “It's less drama” AKA She slept with them all.
Truth is, she may be ashamed of having slept with her guy friends. She may have changed her ways through being with you. She probably was vague and never told you the truth because she was afraid she would lose you.
Here are a couple of takeaways from this:
She's a visibly changed person. You being with her did that. She lied by omission. Probably due to shame and / or fear of rejection by you. She probably really loves you and was afraid to lose you.
I would sit down with her and tell her you had an interesting conversation with her friends. (Make lots of I feel statements.) I learned some things about you that make me feel conflicted. I feel hurt because you lied to me. I feel deceived and wounded because you weren't honest with me about your past. I feel betrayed and insecure knowing we are friends with men who have had sex with you. I feel insecure about our friendships with them, now this I know this.
Give her an opportunity to explain herself. Take time to process this. You don't need to stay or break up with her, you need to give it time to work through the pain and damage of her lies. You need a clear mind to make a good decision.
You already lost her when you cheated on her. She'll find out. Best to just tell her the truth, end the blackmail and hopefully move along smarter than you were before this happened.
I wouldn’t date someone who was telling me what I can/can’t do. I wouldn’t date someone who forbid me from taking trips alone or with friends.
To me (44F) it’s healthy for partners to maintain their own separate friends, hobbies, and interests. I take trips with my friends. My partner takes trips with his. We take trips together and with friends. To me that’s just normal and healthy.
I am sorry about your past experience, and the recent events.
Did these events take place in your hotel room? I would assume there would be cameras in the hallways that could be used to support you.
I'm feeling disgusted myself even thinking about this.
Employee in uniform, see's drunk girl trying to make her way back, he intersects and makes his way in…
Honestly she probably said that to get some reaction out of you and that's kind of a bit toxic of her to do that. I guess the only reason she would do that was because she was feeling insecure on how things were between you two.
Nah I'm gonna do it. If I open up about my issues, it's just gonna scare everyone away so I have to hide them. I have no intention on using them as my therapist.
Thank you!!! All of this exactly, Including the not ostracized son and girlfriend. I come from a family who uses holidays to punish or promote judgement on others and then they wonder why people don't want to come or be around them and don't call or visit.
Difficult situation.
If there is other family/friends that you can stay with, leave. If not, stay as calm and polite as possible for the reminder of your stay.
When you leave, tell your Mom that her abusive behaviour has destroyed her relationship with you, and that you will not be back in contact with her again.
Tell your Dad that if he wants to press charges, that you will give a statement to the police for him.
Your behavior is very unprofessional. Going out for drinks, fine, but doing tons of shots?
And you are also reckless. You got so drunk you were throwing up and you wanted to DRIVE???? Otherwise, why would this dude be walking you to your car?
And where was the coworkers when he was talking to his wife on the phone? That's not clear at all. Did you pass out in your car? Or did he take you to your house and stay there? Because if I had a drunk coworker, I'd take them to my house and dump them on the couch. I wouldn't be driving them to their house and staying there to see if they don't choke from their own vomit.
If you don't want problems at work, don't get so fucking drunk that you want to drive yourself and then you pass out.
Sorry to be harsh but if you need your family's input to make this decision it doesn't sound like you are mature enough to have a child. If you decide to keep it, what will you do if your family tell you they don't want a baby in the house. How will you pay for a baby if you can't afford your own home, childcare, formula, etc, it's all expensive. It is yours and your husbands decision to make, not your family & someone on reddit. There are many things to consider when making this decision.
/u/ThrowRa-MyMarrige please listen to this individual, their comments are solid gold. If you've been in therapy for a while then I dare say it's worth trying someone else, because your husband is not the arsehole here (that's your “friend” in case you were wondering) and your current mindset is hurting you both.
Get help before the bad seeds your evil witch of a “friend” planted completely destroy your marriage.
As sweet as the love and chemistry may be for the moment, if you’re in this for the long run you gotta take what’s in the future into consideration. She’s made her choice, and you’re free to make yours. While she may feel the chemistry and attraction and does love you, she loves her family just as much if not more. Between moving with you and staying with her family, she has firmly chosen the latter. Which isn’t necessarily a problem as long as you don’t wholeheartedly hate Ohio and don’t think you will resent her if you decide to stay, you can still find a good opportunity in Ohio and live a good life there.
But if you really don’t like the place and only staying for her, just make sure you won’t resent her for it in the future. Don’t set yourself up for a miserable marriage after the intense chemistry fades.
You wrote this post like you’re a victim but you’re not. You were the first time when you found out your bf was a piece of shit. Now you’re just stupid.
Yeah. You both escalate un-necessarily here. It's just a bad interaction.
When she asked was more like “do you want to know how I'm actually doing or is this one of those polite pleasantries?”
She could have just picked one instead of making it dramatic & attention seeking.
Then you, instead of taking her comments as an attack, could have ignored her weirdness and said something non committal & supportive.
“Oh, sounds like you've been productive anyway though. Are you staying low key, or you want to hang out later”
If this was a roleplaying game like you BOTH botched your charisma rolls.
She was banging him. Definitely lying.
She did.
Fantasizing about a child free future with your partner does not equal having a proper conversation before fantasizing about having a child free future.
I didn’t block you, lol.
No, the other person did. The one who insulted me and then blocked me. Like a coward.
I should add this. Prior to the appointment described above with the mortgage broker, she said that if we were planning to get married in 2024, we didn't need to worry about a contract and everything would be fine.
In the second conversation, as described above, she said the opposite and that we had to do it. Hence the frustration that we suddenly had to do it while she told us at first we didn't have to worry about it.
One alternative is getting legally married, not holding a ceremony of any kind, and then doing the wedding that you want in 2024.
We weren't planning a traditional wedding anyway. We just want to get married legally, invite some family and friends to celebrate with us and that's that. No church or fancy wedding dresses or anything.
We never liked such a big party because we are both introverts and don't like to be the center of attention.
There is no way she knew she got pregnant by you 3 weeks later unless she knew she was ovulating and sought you out to get pregnant.
Was it even his?
That's a fair point to take, and I agree 18 for most is a pivotal time in their lives, and I will say based on other little updates the OP gave, it does sound like the guy is pretty immature so if I had all the details, doesn't sound like he's the guy.
Exactly
You realize that minus the SA, this is also you? Only you weren't a stranger, you were someone she trusts and loved. You are the monster you describe above. You just don't seem to get how bad what you did actually is. Nit because you wanted her to know she needs to be more careful, but because you saw fear, tears, humiliation in her face and kept going. How are you better from the Stanger on the street who does the same? Sees fear, terror and humiliation and keeps going.
Love how you are like “I know am the bad guy, but…” understand that yeah, you are the bad guy, no but.
If you want a committed monogamous relationship ask for it. It’s been 6 months
Your son is, in fact, the innocent toddler who is at the whim of his silly mother who thinks some 40 year old loser is daddy material. He should be your priority.
The psychological test…… would that mean every woman with PPD or PPA would immediately lose their child?
OP,
Sadly, she's a walking meme. She's the girl who only has guy friends because, “It's less drama” AKA She slept with them all.
Truth is, she may be ashamed of having slept with her guy friends. She may have changed her ways through being with you. She probably was vague and never told you the truth because she was afraid she would lose you.
Here are a couple of takeaways from this:
She's a visibly changed person. You being with her did that. She lied by omission. Probably due to shame and / or fear of rejection by you. She probably really loves you and was afraid to lose you.
I would sit down with her and tell her you had an interesting conversation with her friends. (Make lots of I feel statements.) I learned some things about you that make me feel conflicted. I feel hurt because you lied to me. I feel deceived and wounded because you weren't honest with me about your past. I feel betrayed and insecure knowing we are friends with men who have had sex with you. I feel insecure about our friendships with them, now this I know this.
Give her an opportunity to explain herself. Take time to process this. You don't need to stay or break up with her, you need to give it time to work through the pain and damage of her lies. You need a clear mind to make a good decision.
Good luck OP ??
To my knowledge, they like me a lot according to BF. They have always been sweet to me as well.
Honestly, past cheating of any kind is a red flag. It shows you his morals and values. Even though he wasn't in a relationship it is still wrong imo.
I would date a guy with a past like that.
You already lost her when you cheated on her. She'll find out. Best to just tell her the truth, end the blackmail and hopefully move along smarter than you were before this happened.
You’re young and inexperienced and he’s trying to take advantage of you. Stop seeing him
What’s her issue exactly?
I wouldn’t date someone who was telling me what I can/can’t do. I wouldn’t date someone who forbid me from taking trips alone or with friends.
To me (44F) it’s healthy for partners to maintain their own separate friends, hobbies, and interests. I take trips with my friends. My partner takes trips with his. We take trips together and with friends. To me that’s just normal and healthy.