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Dylan, 23 y.o.
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Date: October 9, 2022
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It is never your responsibility to out someone. Regardless of the situation. That is the individual's choice. You did the right thing by not outting your friend. Your BF is projecting insecurities onto you and causing you to question yourself. You know the truth, your friend knows the truth, and now your BF knows the truth. It is not your responsibility to cushion his emotions. It is your responsibility to be mindful of your actions and the affects they may cause. Maybe the snaps weren't the best idea, but he probably would have had the same reaction without the updates. Fact is he's jealous. His jealousy is natural, his reaction, however, was overdone. He could have spoken to you calmly and set boundaries, but instead he left you. That speaks volumes about his emotional maturity. This also may be a new experience for him. Take a break and see how y'all feel then. Chances are this kind of emotional immaturity will surface again in the future, but if y'all love each other and want to work things out then you will find a solution. But he also owes you and your friend an apology; not only did he question your character, but he questioned his as well.
exactly my thought. thank you very much for reaching out.
Then thats his problem to fix. It's not her responsibility to read his mind and try figuring out what he's imagining
Btw my boyfriend is 28 I’m 24
You sleep by knowing you are FREE from an absolutely abusive, manipulative monster. Jesus Christ, reading about his behavior made me cringe. Why would you stay with someone like him? There isn't enough love-bombing in the world to make that shit appealing! You definitely deserve better. Text him one last time, “I cared about you and I love you, but we are a toxic mixture. You have issues I can't fix for you. It is your job to become better and I don't have time to wait for you. Take care. You deserve good things and I hope you find happiness. Truly. But I can't give it to you.” Then GHOST HIM. Block him on everything. Get a RING camera, carry mace, and make your schedule as unpredictable as you can for now because he honestly sounds crazy and potentially violent.
Who said control, just talk to him and communicate your expectations.
You’re probably right doesnt change the fact that it shouldn’t be used to fund transitions lol
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Shh, let the insecure man feel a lil' oppressed
For some it's all they have
I see you’re not a fan of therapy. ?
He continually assaults you and it makes you feel bad. Being bullied makes people feel bad.
Can you leave this relationship? He is abusing you. He chases you and forces you physically to do things you don’t want to do. This is domestic violence.
He is selfish and he will be like this forever as he knows you will let him do this all the time. Put your foot down and stop having sex with him in the fits place and warn him that this can become a deal breaker thing for you if he does not want to get better at sex. You talked to him many times yet he has no intention to show improvement so consider this as a red flag in married life. If he does not want to lose you then I am sure he will try his bets to get you orgasm otherwise you know you need to end this with him to find a right man for you.
If he gets finished early then there are many others ways he can make you finish like oral, he can use toys on you and he can finger you but telling you to go finish yourself if you want to is a cruel and disrespectful thing from his end. You can ask him to read this post of yours and comments that this post gets so he can understand how others think and how he is the one who is going to ruin everything between you two. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve a better treatment and partner in your life.
that’s exactly what ima do. im sure she will mention it. and thats when ill talk.
Latina married to a Caucasian guy here ??♀️
First of all, YOU DESERVE BETTER WAY BETTER. KOREAN OR NOT, YOUR BF IS A COMPLETE PENDEJO. He tells you won't be accepted, but when you mention you'll go to graduate school, he shuts you down like HURACAN MARIA.
HE IS PLAYING WITH YOUR FEELINGS MIJA.
He is an EMOTIONAL INSECURE TICKING TIME BOMB
BREAK IT OFF MIJA, BREAK IT OFF.
YOU DESERVE A MAN TO ELEVATE YOUR SPIRITS NOT DESTROY YOUR CONFIDENCE AND ORDER YOU AROUND LIKE A SLAVE.
But please, talk to a therapist because if you managed for fall for a needy emotional toxic man, you'll will fall FOR ANOTHER NEEDY EMOTIONAL TOXIC MAN.
BREAK IT OFF. BLOCK HIM EVERYWHERE. WORK ON YOURSELF AND CONTINUE TO KICK ASS PROFESSIONALLY. DONT EVER LET A MAN SHUT YOUR PROFESSIONAL ASPIRATIONS.
What did he say when you talked with him about it?
I am trying to figure out how I would go about it since I don’t have a job or family support… I think I am going to try and do odd jobs until I save enough
So you want to be with him because of financial security? You don’t need me to tell you what that sounds like
The potential of someone is the costumed reality
You have trauma from the assault. You really need to seek out therapy for this.
Also, you need to let your boyfriend know that it is not him. I would be really honest with him. He sounds like a great guy.
There is nothing wrong with you, this is a trauma response. Maybe try toys, fingering, etc on your free time to see if there is something specific you like in the mean time.
Hmm… I think what you've really been hoping for is a kind human who cares about your feelings more than his frustration about not being able to get off…?
Sounds like your best friend groomed her. Please protect her!
There is an epidemic of freeloading men out there looking for a woman to leech off. Maybe this is a reaction to that, setting a rule that she never pays for anything for her partner to avoid a slippery slope.
But yeah, you should talk about it.
Do you like giving blowjobs? I think that's the primary question.
If you like giving them, then you could take getting him off as a challenge and just try to have fun with it. If you don't, stop giving them. He seems like a prick, so there's no big loss.
I don’t know. I kicked furniture twice when I was younger but have never come close to ever hitting anyone or anything else all the years later.
That being said 35 seems a little old to not have dealt better with his anger and would worry me.
He is genuinely an amazing person, he’s a great boyfriend. sometimes he just says things that make me insecure, but i think all relationships are like that. I just needed advice on how to not let it get to me.
Not sure why would you call such a ****head a friend to be honest.
Well the first line of your post said you felt it was your duty to de radicalize and change people for the better- why do you think your idea of what is radical, and better – is the only acceptable view? Why do you think your own viewpoint is so infallible that there is no room for anyone else’s view? Further more, what qualifies you to change anyone,
Nope. He either said he was too busy, or was going to visit family out of town, for three or four weeks afterward. He preemptively told me these things before, on Wednesdays & Thursdays. I didn't ask, but he told me he was otherwise occupied before I even had an opportunity to ask him.
He's already doing it though, I don't see it as a big issue. And if it's about your needs and you would prefer to just have more with him, I'd tell him that first and see if he can get on board with that before getting into the sex with others part.
Oh Jesus honey, and you that blinded by this mam, message the girl, he cheating and lying then turning it on you, I was so scared of you but I can forgive you if you drop this,? manipulation 101,
Please tell me your not fool enough to belive a word he says your 37 years old for god sake and reading this was like hearing about 19-20 year old get manipulated by an older guy.
He cheating on you and threatening to leave, message the girl or get him to call her off his phone so you can speak to her, What happened at banquet and did they use to sleep together, also about the hotel thing and apparently about her boyfriend.
But either way what ever the answers you need to walk away, he disrespected you to his friends and is forcing you into get over something or he will leave.
I mean that’s probably his worst. You’ve been together for 10 years and this is the worst thing that’s happened?
Why did you think dating him was a good idea. The red flags were slapping you in the face.
This is not „rape“, it‘s rape. He is an asshole, and you should break up and report this to the police. This is sickening and I hope this person who has done this to you rots in jail.
A person who does this to you doesn‘t love or respect you. Leave. Please do it for yourself.
He do remember though and thinks I souldnt have hit him because we are friends.
This fight just feels like a hussle to me I dont want it I have nothing to gain from it.
It’s been five years. If your ex hasn’t reached out to you then you shouldn’t reach out to her.
I wouldn't go and tell her to shove that 'friendship' up her ass.
The other issue is him playing the “real parent” trump card.
He has just told her she’s not this girls real parent when she absolutely is. She was there from the begining and adopted her.
This won’t be the last time he pulls this. What it does is drives a wedge between mother and daughter, and also puts her down to babysitter level.
There’s a reason this is bothering OP so deeply. It is a big deal.
She needs to adress this and if he won’t budge, and concede she is every bit the parent he is, think about leaving. He’s using this as a power play and once it works once, he will never stop
Very important point. Sometimes it takes a while to process and get your head around it.
I'm sorry you went through that. I did too. Take care of you.
Dude don’t even stress yourself out . Just find a girl who’s single and knows what she wants ( easier said then done ) but less headache/heart ache
I would second that.
A midwife telling me police had called her after a man had a car accident.
HUH? Sounds like big bs!
No way they would EVER! They would call at his home. Not at a random midwife!
HOW did they even get the idea of her having anything to do with a man?
NO way she is allowed to talk to them about OP without OPs consent.
And NO way they called her.
ASK POLICE! (What police, btw?)
Stay clear of this midwife. She voluntarily makes you worried.
WHY? Midwives don't behave this way!
That's religion for you. In Islam you can't have sex or children without being married. Those norms were prevalent in the US up until the past 70-80 years.
Your friend is a drama queen. You are better off with her.
You’re 19 and live at home. If you want freedom move out. Otherwise follow the rules of the homeowner.
exactly!
Absolutely not appropriate or acceptable. This is kind of disrespect that will only get worse, if she won’t go get therapy. My ex spat in my face, and it was just the beginning of the abuse that he unleashed on me after that. Every fight was a new level of disrespect. Either she gets help or you leave. I’m sorry she did this to you. It is insight into how she really feels about the relationship. Leave now, while you can and think carefully about other red flags you may have overlooked prior to this incident.
Not to sound pessimistic, but “if he wanted to, he would”. That being said, a lot of people are creatures of habit and have a hard time sticking to new routines. For example, people who start working out after NYE and then the gyms are empty 3 weeks later. Maybe try to help him stick to new schedules to see you. Offer encouragement or reminders til he passes that 6 week slump (usually how long it takes to create a new routine)
It’s called abuse.
Damn…. I really liked Stranger Things because of STEEEEVE… guess I'm a pedo now, because it has actual kids in it.
Damn…. I really liked Stranger Things because of STEEEEVE… guess I'm a pedo now, because it has actual kids in it.
Tell him his penis isnt discernable and block
Damn…. I really liked Stranger Things because of STEEEEVE… guess I'm a pedo now, because it has actual kids in it.
Confrontation? You didn’t cheat. Why are you nervous? YOU didn’t do anything wrong. And you found out because he asked you to look through his videos for something.
Tell him his penis isnt discernable and block
Seriously. She's not looking for a protector, she's looking for muscle to act out her aggression toward others.
Reread what he wrote.
She's contributing even less due to the car payment.
I honestly think they both need to grow up, he could have expressed himself more constructively and she could have not reacted so over the top by running downstairs and immediately start separating finances. They need to ,earn to walk away take a breath and come back and have a rational discussion about what’s bothering them both. This whole story honestly sounds quite stupid and could have not gotten to the this point is they communicate better
If I were you I would see a divorce lawyer asap. But I also would have done that the first time.
Why do you put up with this?
I guess not. I don’t really know how.
No, there's no reddit equivalent of a mass shooting
This is information you need to share with him.
It is his right to be in a relationship with someone that aligns with his world view, or rather to have all the information if not and then to be a choice rather than one made for him.
You clearly regret bad choices and are trying to make better ones, but that feeling does not justify keeping him in the dark. Despite some advice you may receive, it is not “just a job” to many people, men and women. It has a lot of baggage that cannot be dispelled for the salving of feelings.
You may find that he can on-line with this, no problem. Men are not a monolith. You may find the bigger issue is sitting on the truth for so long and how it may suggest you are sitting on other things of note.
If you love him then surely you will let him have the freedom of choice, just as you exercised? Do the tight thing.
So i need to ask in order to know the truth, right? Not to be told the truth withouht me needing to figure it out.
In the beginning, he was in a position of power. You were vulnerable, he felt needed, useful. Over time, you grew more powerful, more independent, strong and resourceful. Now he feels weak, threatened by your confidence and assertiveness in exploring your talents. It may be that coming from a place of vulnerability originally, you both had more in common at that time than now. Now he just feels you slipping away along with the former codependence. Please know, there is nothing wrong with froth and change. There is a lot wrong with some peoples inability to support and accept it. It is ok to set boundaries, and it is also ok to let go. My words to on-line by are these” for ANY relationship in your life, if you do not feel like a better person for it, if you don’t feel supported and encouraged to be your best self, there is no place for it.” All the best to you. Our hurts are part of us, but they don’t have to define or limit us. Life your best life, it’s too short to be unhappy.
That’s called emotional manipulation. Each time you give in, you lose some of yourself and give him more power. Stop believing his bs and leave.
Oh thank god, I didn't actually want a divorce.
I'm hoping he wouldn't reject my idea of having to attend marriage counselling. Mostly for my mental wellbeing. I'm stuck between a wedge rn, resenting him and myself. And now, resenting the unborn child even though I know he's not at fault.
I say hoping because he might reject it due to certain financial restraints. He says we can talk things through after birth but I'm currently nearly out of my mind just being anywhere near him and I feel bad when I snap at him nowadays.
Your girlfriend is terrified that you are going to break-up with her. She sees no reason why you would want to be with her when you have better options.
Now, “better” is a relative term. Your girlfriend likely feels she's not good enough in one way or another: Maybe her musical tastes aren't good enough, or she doesn't weigh the right amount, or she is too tall (or too short), or her breasts are the wrong size, or she's not smart enough for you, or whatever. That is, she feels she isn't good enough, and when outside events seem to confirm that — that is, you talk to another woman — she feels it is proof that you'd be happier with someone else and it triggers the jealous feelings.
Jealousy is a fear of losing a relationship you have. She doesn't feel safe in the relationship, because she doesn't see why you would want to stay with her.
All you can do is explain to her why you want her in your life, and why she matters to you. It helps if you can find some deeper reasons than, “We're good in bed together.” Here are some examples to consider:
“You accept me in a way no one has, not even my parents.” “You get me to laugh at myself, when I always thought I was dull and boring. You show me the humor in my life.” “I feel safe with you in a way I haven't felt since I was a child.”
I'm not suggesting that you pick one and offer it to your girlfriend; lying is a singularly bad idea. Instead, you need to think about what it is that your girlfriend brings to your life, that makes you want her as a girlfriend.
The examples I gave are rather polished, and if you haven't thought about this idea before now, you probably won't come up with something as smooth. Instead, think about what vulnerabilities you have in your life, what needs, and how your girlfriend makes your life better. Avoid superficial stuff like sex, or that you enjoy the same movies, and stuff like that.
Once you think you have a handle on it, tell your girlfriend about it. Make it very clear that there are important reasons why she's in your life. If you know what she thinks she's “not good enough” in, you can tell her that those things don't bother you (they shouldn't, after all), and are displaced by why you do want her in your life.
Only after stressing why she matters to you can you tell her that your friendships with other women are not a challenge, because they don't have that sort of place in your life. If your girlfriend understands that and sees why she's in your life, that's good.
On the other hand, if your girlfriend is still upset over your having friends, then it suggests she's not listening to you, or views you as somehow unable to control yourself around women. That will likely cause more problems later on. You could try relationship counseling on this point, but only you can decide if you want someone in your life who doesn't listen to what you say.
Tell her to text the information OR email you the information.
That will remove the emotion from the communication. It will also allow you to control your emotions surrounding her communication. You can also formulate a thoughtful response (or none at all if THAT is appropriate).
Say “NO!” to the talking and if it's important enough, she can write to you about it. If she's unwilling, then expect that her communication was probably manipulative.
This!! Like no that's so irresponsible. This man could be a whole danger to ur kids. No offense OP bt people are sick.
I would never do this shit.
He’s stalker interested in you.
Humiliated how? Don’t your friends see it? Hey are you all friends with him at all? He seems very unstable.
The facts of this horrify me to the point of nausea. How can we still be living in this?!
You can't possibly have any idea what goes on in their relationship. It could be “open”, they could have been feeling you up as a threesome partner. You just never know what other people are up to. This is why you need to just stay out of it.
Would you also show those videos to people your ex did not consent to watching?
Thank you for the comment. I feel the same way. It is exhausting to feel crazy and watch his every move… I am normally a trusting person so it is odd to question everything.
I agree I am sure I am missing too many things to count.
can i ask why you think it’s me attracting guys doing the bare minimum? genuine question, what are some examples?
He really just sounds like he's not mature enough for you.. but to answer the question you might have to tell him just like that. It might turn into an argument because he'll probably see it as you nagging but it's the truth
Only takes about fifteen seconds of looking through op posting history to know he's real. Also not that hard to surmise his identity from it.
Basically you're a troll. Leave op alone.
I am so glad you said all of this. I have ADHD too and my symptoms are an explanation as to why something is very hot, not an excuse to make everyone cater to me forever. I had to learn coping mechanisms and organizational strategies to be a productive adult. I would never put this much burden on another person, especially someone I love and chose to be my partner in life.
OP, he is taking advantage of you and manipulating you. He has to WANT to make a change and find a way to help himself. Smoking weed is prob making it worse tbh. If that’s the only thing he’s willing to try then he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own shit. This is ridiculous and not how functional, empathetic adults with ADHD on-line their life. I hope you get yourself out of this situation ♥️
I’m not sure if you’re joking or serious but if he thinks it’s a waste of time I would like to know so I can move on from him.
Threesomes are way more fun than foursomes.
This guy is emotionally abusive ?
Casual sex is just fine; if it wasn’t your thing, no problem, but it’s never something to be ashamed of. You learned something important about yourself in the process and that’s life. Nothing and no one is perfect. You’re being manipulated and abused by a guy who is taking out his obvious intimacy issues/issues with women out on you. RUN.
I mean by this logic his mess up was expressing in a monogamous relationship the desire for a threesome in general because (again by this logic) he is implying being with OP isn't good enough and he wants to involve another person in their relationship.
If the distinction of it being a fantasy vs an actionable idea is access then why is that a distinction? He'd still be thinking of another woman besides her that he's attracted to. If OP were insecure she would still be pondering why his mind is thinking of other women at all and that could sour her opinion of him. And by the opposite token just because he can find other people attractive doesn't mean he'll convince himself into cheating on her with them.
Also threesomes is something monogamous couples don't give too much thought too highlighted in that last part, finding someone you don't now to have noncommittal sex that the third person has rigid boundaries (no kissing, no sensual touching, no saying too many intimate things, no looking at them a certain way, being ancillary to the couple's pleasure) is little more than being their disposable sex toy to be discarded and forgotten after the affair. How would that feel like to the third person?
If you aren't secure in your relationship enough to enjoy a threesome fantasy to it's fullest safely while treating the third person like a person then why even have it? And to be clear I'm not knocking anyone for that, sharing your partner isn't everyone's thing. But I think it's pretty unfair to cast him as a potential cheater just for expressing a fantasy, it isn't violating to think other people are attractive. That's not the same as acting on it.