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  1. He never “gets in trouble” with me. I don’t scream or yell. I just get really upset when he lies and have started packing my things because of it. I don’t react like crazy. Maybe once when I got drunk and cried about how hurt I am and how much I don’t trust him. But have never “punished” him for doing anything. Or even judged him for that matter. Just when he lies I cry.

    He lies but altering the whole truth. I would say omission but it’s not that. It’s a slight truth.

  2. This is a criminal act married or not. Start with fraud, then on to forgery if your signatures were required. Next it becomes theft of funds that were rightfully your regardless of the nonsense she spews. I would give her an immediate ultimatum: give you all pertinent information and return you your money or face the legal ramifications. Then interview attorneys and hire the best. Don’t trust her in any way shape or form. She is toxic and possibly dangerous.

  3. So they can wait until after she gives birth, but if I were him I wouldn’t sign the birth certificate until I was sure. Also until then I would def take space from her. She clearly doesn’t respect him or his boundaries

  4. This is true. One of my exes told me post hoc that I'd raped her, which really seemed to be stretching the definition to me. She thankfully decided not to file any official allegations, knowing they wouldn't have held up and not wanting to be quite that malicious. She could have made my life hell for a bit, though.

  5. No unfortunately. If he wants to change he will make the effort and showing the changes right now. If you get married or move in together when he is still like this, you are setting yourself to heartaches. Drugs and gambling, these 2 things are not good for any relationships. The only one who can make him change for the better is himself.

  6. I'm sorry for all that she's been through and the stress you're feeling now bc of this guy attempting to reconnect. I am surprised that she would really want to see him again. I would think she would have him blocked on all socials etc. If she were to go, I would find some sort of arrangement like them going to a coffee shop etc. I would also try to hear why she's so interested in seeing him. I wouldn't want to see or reconect w someone that put me through all that. Life isn't always like the movies, you don't always need closure. She's given herself closure by being sober and doing well. Have a real heart to heart and see if she can be swayed. It might not be for the best for them to reconnect but ofc it would be difficult to stop her/persuade her not to without it being a controlling situation in her mind.

  7. No, it wasn’t one time. You admitted to emotionally cheating on him repeatedly before this instance. If you want to save your marriage, there is only one thing you can do to do that. You have to come clean about everything to him, every last detail. You have to be remorseful, you have to be willing to lose his trust for some time. If he finds out on his own I can guarantee that he will never trust you again.

  8. agree. people are allowed to masturbate without their spouse or anyone else knowing about it or giving permission. I don't know when it became a thing in relationships for people to need to know about or need to control someone else's private business

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  10. u/Sufficient_Horse4621, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.

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  11. “I love children so, I’ve never felt it was a burden” implies that people who find being a sahp challenging either do not love children or find sahp-ing a burden. Not the case. Insulting. Either you don’t understand what you’re implying or you are a troll.

  12. ? Are my feelings real or is this just the initial glow of meeting someone new and nice, who may or may not be a good match under normal circumstances?

    No way of telling until you spend more time together in person.

    We both have our lives and careers and families in our respective countries. There is no way either of us can move in the foreseeable future.

    Wow….I mean even if she's in an open marriage…you're not her first priority. You're, if at all, a secondary partner, nothing more. Why would her husband agree to her (or the whole family) moving?

  13. ? Are my feelings real or is this just the initial glow of meeting someone new and nice, who may or may not be a good match under normal circumstances?

    No way of telling until you spend more time together in person.

    We both have our lives and careers and families in our respective countries. There is no way either of us can move in the foreseeable future.

    Wow….I mean even if she's in an open marriage…you're not her first priority. You're, if at all, a secondary partner, nothing more. Why would her husband agree to her (or the whole family) moving?

  14. It’s really hot to forgive yourself and usually you are the last to do so, before everyone has long moved on. I have some experience here, as I treated people around me terribly, while my depression was destroying my life. I was running from one doctor to the next, sticking to all instructions to the letter and just got worse and worse, until I was bed bound and needed help washing. At that stage I was literally a ball of resentment and rage, interspersed with complete numbness. Again, I went to therapists, well aware that I needed help and didn’t get any – from one therapist to the next. Later found out, that the health system in the country I was living in absolutely could not deal with mental illness and I finally got better once I moved and got competent help. Now I’m better, those years still haunt me though. There are many excuses as to why I acted as I did and I am honestly not entirely sure, I could have acted any differently…however that still doesn’t make it okay.

    Did you and your husband ever talk about that time? Have you taken full responsibility and has he forgiven you? Could you mention to him, that his sofa seating and 30 second cuddles are sad reminders to you, of what happened and if there is any chance you could maybe try sitting next to each other (promising you won’t push him!) or cuddling for 45 seconds next time? I feel open communication with your ‘victim’ is really vital in the healing process.

  15. I’m sorry ❤️ I’m sending you so much love. Just know that you deserve so much better & whatever happened and whatever happens- none of it is your fault. He is simply projecting his own issues and insecurities on you. I hope that you can find that love and peace that you deserve.

  16. He asked your BEST FRIEND OUT ON THE DAY BEFORE YOU MARRIED.

    He is a fucking creep. She was never your friend to keep that from you or to tell you now. They are both evil.

    Move on. They are both disgusting.

  17. She’s waited, patiently for you. She’s still waiting. And she’s letting you know she wants to get married. You need to be honest with yourself and her.

    If you don’t want marriage then that’s fine but let her know she she can leave you and fine someone else who will want her.

    Right now, you’re acting like a child who is cutting off his nose to spite his face. What message do you want her to take from your refusal to propose? Every time you get in a snit about it you are telling her she’s not good enough, you have no desire to get married, you don’t want her forever.

    If she’s dropped hints about an engagement at your next holiday she is giving you a timeline. I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that she has told her girlfriends that she is going to leave you if you don’t propose in your next holiday.

    It’s time to fish or cut bait. Cause if you don’t choose, she’s gonna choose for you and you’ll have only yourself to blame.

  18. I don’t think it’s fair, I think it’s sexist garbage. But then I wouldn’t marry a guy who would be offended at his long time lover proposing to him.

  19. How many issues are there in your relationship in total now? If you are being lied to in your face you aren't paranoid, but should already know that. Besides relationship when you can't trust each other and your goal is spy on your instead of fix your issues is doomed anyway.

  20. Well, I know when my wife gets a fantastic job opportunity I usually take her out to dinner to celebrate. We make it a point to be happy for one another when something good happens.

    Your man sounds self-absorbed. This isn’t about him so he’s trying to make it about him. God forbid you have anything outside of him that gives you purpose or makes you happy. It’s not a good look.

  21. Didn't you read the post – he is arrogant and stubborn and gaslights me. My counsellor has told me repeatedly to break up with him lol. Please read the post properly.

  22. I am going to ask for context here. I understand you probably can't give much detail, but did either of you get physical?

  23. My bf loves thongs and I love high waisted underwear. Look on Amazon and you’ll find best of both worlds. Works for us

  24. Just ask yourself whether you’d wear a thong if your girlfriend told you she’d love to see you in them. Go a step further and try some on for one hour. Whatever your response is, that’s your answer.

  25. So nine years and he didn’t want to get married, but is now getting married?

    Sounds like your GF’s ex wasn’t being honest and should of cut her loose after three years cause they clearly wanted to get married… just not to her.

    Or it was like my parents situation… my dad never wanted to get married, my mom said she wasn’t going to be his GF forever. They either get married or she walks. They’ve been happily married since 1984, still in love.

    I’m guessing this could of been what happened.

    But also, Op, idk if she is still in love with her ex. She could be mourning all the time she wasted because he told her he was never getting married then poof he’s now getting married.

    I too would feel hoodwinked by my ex for suddenly changing his mind on something like that and would be wrestling with the feeling of this.

    Plus you two have only been together for eight months not like two years. Unless she was cyber stalking her ex for those four years after they broke up, has discarded most of his stuff he gave her, it’s safe to say she moved on and is just mourning the overnight change of her ex’s stance on marriage, making her realize he never wanted to marry her and looking at how much of a waste nine years went down the drain!

    Cut her some slack, don’t break up, but ask for some space from her. Get some perspective.

    I say this as my one ex, two weeks after he got engaged (this was 2018), his fiancé contacted me. We never talked nor met, she message requested me on FB, wanted to ask if he ever cheated on me or if we got together while they were together (both are no’s!), and at the end rubbed in my face they got engaged two weeks prior. My heart dropped into my stomach and mourned hearing this news. But it was more so hearing it from her than him that hurt.

    It’s sometimes difficult if you hear the last person you ended things with suddenly not have commitment issues… makes you wonder why they didn’t want to settle down with you.

    So Op, take in what I’m writing and ask her why she’s mourning this so much. It might give you insight to what’s going on with her and how it’s impacting her.

  26. Well redditors always need a villain, even when there’s no need for one. Op is overreacting slightly imo with the idea that she’s like OBSESSED with her ex, there’s probably no proof of that. But her reaction to asking for space for two whole weeks is also a problem. The advice given to him isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just overly harsh towards him, and I don’t understand why him, but not his gf’s response to not talk to him for two weeks. It’s a weird Reddit thing where there’s no middle ground.

  27. I mean the past is in the past, you both have one and she has a bf now. I would be more nervous if they hadn't already hooked up. The gift was her bf's idea and seems like a bday gift, not a flirty, I'm interested in you gift.

    Do they hang out outside of the work? If so, are you or others there too?

  28. Haha this comment is so not useful. You probably hate gay and trans and non-binary people too? Maybe I identify as somewhat queer and regardless of the relationship circumstances, taking charge on this is fitting with who I am.

  29. You need to learn to communicate your feelings better, you should have told him.

    This is a pretty normal boundary to have for a lot of people. No matter how secure, trusting or strong the relationship is.

  30. From your edit: yeah I'd move on. She may not be ready and she may want one “down the line” with someone else. You're already getting hurt.

  31. Maybe but he projects as extremely confident. Arrogant actually. He has had a traumatic past and I’ve seen him react in a volatile way to some situations but never towards me. By what he’s claiming as me being combative I’m viewing as me contradicting him or me pointing out that when he does something it’s ok but when I do it it’s a problem. I feel like I can’t win because when I’m standing up for myself I’m labeled as combative.

  32. It’s not necessarily a DEMAND (nice use of caps…) if they have an AGREEMENT that he goes out to work and pays the bills and she keeps the house clean.

    We all have to add some level of value to a relationship. If he’s holding up his end of the bargain, why shouldn’t she? If the 1950s housewife thing isn’t working for her, she could get a job and they both split the cleaning. Problem solved.

  33. I didn’t need the $70 in cash nor did I ask for it actually. He just came up to me, said because he got a raise I can keep the cash for myself.

    He usually doesn’t like carrying cash around and never does so that’s why.

  34. That’s not a student loan, that’s being 60K in debt. He’s helluva fiscally irresponsible and I would probably run away already.

    Think of your own financial goals and then think how cohabiting and building a life with someone who owes 100K would impact those goals.

  35. No. Kids is one of those things you absolutely have to be on the same page for. He may say he doesn’t care. And maybe he doesn’t. But if someone I was with kept bringing it up and said “yeah, but I don’t care if you don’t” I would let them go. Because it’s going to be a lot harder in 10 years if they leave you because it turns out they do, in fact, care.

  36. This isn't something that can be a compromise. Its either you both want kids or neither of you want kids.

    This isn't gonna work

  37. Unless she’s out in the middle of nowhere with no phone service, there are zero excuses for her to not at least text you once a day to say hello or just let you know that she’s safe.

    I’d be highly suspicious. Something is definitely not right

  38. Luckily she refuses to have children, so that part is a non-issue. And it wouldn't be the first time I thought about her being narcissistic

  39. I mean it’s hot but you just have to be direct and tell her you don’t want to continue the relationship and then leave. Block her and move on with your life.

  40. I would but I came from my divorced husband's house to come back home with her and finish my college degree to start my life. And I'm not financially stable or mentally stable to be out there by myself

  41. A lot of people.. most people tell the truth of what they think of us in anger… he meant what he said. Be prepared for the love bombing to commence

  42. Sounds like Leah herself is in need of some care taking regarding her mental health. I mean the most you can do is point out what seems obvious and hope she hears you but you can’t stop grown people from living their lives whether or not you like how they do it.

  43. You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. You could tell his family he should get help and then leave it at that. A person can only change when they want to change. He is almost 50 and this immature it's a lost cause. You got out of one toxic relationship into another. This is what you are comfortable with and that needs to change. Get therapy learn how to be independent and happy. The more you love yourself the better chances of finding a healthy relationship.

  44. This is obviously a questionable relationship at best. There is a very good chance you will be accused of attacking her if you try to broach this subject with her. She is so young and in love that her rose colored glasses are filtering out all the red flags. I imagine she has this entire romantic narrative rolling around in her head and I don't think anything but time will break the spell.

    When her friends start exploring the world, going to college, weekend trips, clubbing, drinking a little too much, renting their first crappy apartment, ect, I think her perspective may very well change. Everyone around her will suddenly be going on this grand adventure called life and she will be the only one left behind. He may try to keep her isolated.

    I would just let her know that you don't support the relationship, but you will always be there for her. It's all you really can do in this situation. I wouldn't be too abrasive about it, when the spell is broken she will need someone to turn too. I imagine a guy this age losing his new favorite plaything has the possibility of going very badly for her in the future :/

  45. Of course he needs to make an effort and he should absolutely try to make it work. But if that doesn't work there might come a time where if he can't get his shit together, he should just leave. My dad was in and out of theraphy my entire childhood. It's not ideal, but it's better than dragging everyone down into his misery, and there's always child support.

    Also just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean that they aren't listening.

  46. I’m not one to criticise peoples’ views on marriage – that but in itself is up to them; you can’t expect someone to marry you if they don’t want to.

    But his reasoning for why he ‘doesn’t believe in marriage’ is misogynistic and would make me question if he’s the man you thought you were in love with. Also, to be this far in to the relationship and to only just have found this out, is also surprising. I knew my now wife’s views on marriage very early on, and so when it came to me proposing it was more or less just a formality.

  47. If this is real, then that is probably it. The guilt got to the guy and he can't take it anymore.

    It hurts to hear it from your spouse, but it stabs you to hear it from someone else.

  48. Dude literally wants to be a 23yo. This man is not ready for marriage. Shouldn't he be in college somewhere or some frat party?

    God i can't imagine dating someone that much younger than me much less marrying them.

    OP I'm sorry but he isn't faithful because he's a young man that isn't ready for tht type of commitment. My oldest nephew is 23 if he told me he wanted to get married to someone your age id laugh at him because the kid still brings laundry home from campus.

    You guys are in different stages of your lives. You want to settle down marriage and kids.

    At 23 my only objective was partying, working so i had money for school.. and spending time with my friends.

    Like most 23yolds as MATURE as you think they are please don't use that whole excuse it's very played out when older people dating younger ones use it.

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