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1. At some point YOU have to take control of your life and make choices that put YOU first and see YOU happy. Otherwise, nothing is ever going to change and you are always going to feel upset and miserable and embarrassed.

   The only person capable of helping you IS you. YOU have to respect yourself. YOU have to love yourself. YOU have to do what's best for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

   Your husband is a disgusting piece of shit, point blank. He groomed his teenage sister in law, admitted to trying to have sex with her, and given his behavior in front of your entire family with her, has most likely actually been with her.

   Your sister is not blameless either. She is young. She is being groomed. She is being manipulated. She is also 18 now and old enough to know that you don't fuck your sisters boyfriend let alone husband. That's kind of one of those things normal, well adjusted people just don't do. She is fully aware of right vs wrong when it comes to behaving towards you, her sister. She is a victim of grooming yes, but that does not mean you are obligated in any sense to set yourself on fire to protect her. She is making the willing and conscious choice to betray her sister. Teenagers are stupid, but they know what a betrayal is and they know when they are causing harm to someone. Because she is 18, unless you can prove the grooming occurred or a sexual relationship occurred before her 18th birthday there is very little legal recourse to force her away from him. Which unfortunately means she's going to continue down this path with him, whether you are married to him or not.

   The best possible thing you can do for your sister right now is tough love. Coddling her, staying close, and telling her it's all okay while she betrays your trust over and over again is doing nothing but letting her know she can treat you any way she likes without repercussions. She won't learn from it, she won't be safe from her own choices, and it puts her at a significant risk of harm when dealing with a slimy rat like your husband.

   Sit your sister down. Tell her you know everything. You aren't arguing about it. You love her, but her behavior is so wildly inappropriate, hurtful, and asinine that you cannot and will not be by her side while she chooses to treat you so poorly. If she is ever in danger, if she ever truly needs help, you are a phone call away. You will make sure she is safe. But unless it is a true emergency you are cutting her off. She needs to learn that adult decisions come with adult consequences. Messing around with your sisters husband is an irreversible betrayal. That is the sort of action that rips families apart. I have disowned blood for far, far less then something so severe. Being young and vulnerable, if she didn't reciprocate and didn't know how to tell you he was making moves on her would be one thing. But sitting at Christmas dinner and making a show of backing her ass into him, sitting in his lap, taking his side for every photo, and obnoxiously flirting in front of you and the rest of the family is a deliberate and intentional act. She knows what shes doing in this regard and the only way her behavior with you will ever change is if you institute harsh boundaries for your own mental health.

   I know you worry about your sister. But she's going to make her own choices in this and the harder you try to confront her, try to force her to cut him off, try to get her to see the error of her choices, the harder shes going to fight you on it. Babying her through those choices only prevents her from learning WHY they are poor choices and she will continue to make them.

   You need to take a step back from both of these people. They have not been good to you. They have not been healthy. They have not been positive. And they do not love you the way family is supposed to love you. Your children are watching you as a role model for what they should allow in their own lives once grown. This is not the life you want those kids modeling after. Separated but happy parents are healthier homes then married, miserable and resentful parents.

   Go to INDIVIDUAL therapy. Just you. Couples therapy doesn't work when one of the pair is a manipulative liar that grooms teenagers. Learn the coping mechanisms needed to process this and heal. Learn the tools you'll need to be a healthy co-parent. Have it written into your custody agreement that ALL communication be directed only in a parenting app that saves the conversations in text. There are dozens of court approved ones. This prevents your slimy husband from guilting you, rubbing anything in your face, or making coparenting difficult. When you do custody exchanges meet at a neutral location so no one is surprised or bullied in their own home. If he starts anything in person, kindly tell him it can be discussed in the parenting app and then stop responding. Document any and all instances of him saying nasty things about you to the kids (if it happens). Make sure you never talk negatively about him in front of the kids or within ear shot. They'll be adults one day. They'll make their own choices about their parents. Make sure they remember that you never pushed your own agenda, they'll respect you more for it.

   You deserve to be happy OP. You deserve to come home to a peaceful home. You deserve to love someone and be loved back in full. You deserve being able to trust the people in your home.

   Do not settle for the bare minimum in life or in your relationships, romantic or otherwise. Change is terrifying. It is. But it's also wonderful, and freeing. You are in control of your life. Only you can make the life you want. You will never feel happy by being a doormat to others. Stick up for yourself, you ARE worthy of better things. Shout that from the rooftops until you start believing it.

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2. This is called trickle-truthing, and the challenge is you’re never going to know if you’ve gotten the whole story, and it’s going to be stupidly hard to trust her again.

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