Yep. It's her relationship. You tell her you don't like the guy, with concrete reasons, and you move on. Move into a hotel for visits, because it's their damn house. Aged people don't sleep on air mattresses, are you crazy?
It sounds like you are processing this in a very normal way honestly. A few months out of an 8 year relationship and you already are starting to feel like you can move on? That's actually great. Takes me a solid year to process a long term relationship ending. For many it's too hot to draw a line between dating and friends without cutting them off completely. There's so many complicated feelings even in the best of scenarios. I'm sorry your message didn't help you to feel better but, unfortunately closure is this incredible idea that doesn't exist in reality. She got her closure from you by removing you from her life, not because she wants to scrub your entire memory from existence but because she wants fewer reminders of you throughout the day. She's likely sad about the loss of you (even if it's for the best) and now she's trying to make a life where for the first time after spending a third of her life with you, you're not the one she leans on.
I'm sorry. Breakups are absolutely horrible. This will feel less shitty over time, I promise. It's going to suck for a while too. Don't rush yourself to feeling better, or be mad you're not progressing as fast as you should be. You will feel better when you're ready.
Can I just add one thing. Friends of mine did not want kids. Married in their twenties and were very happy. Then she accidentally got pregnant when she was 40… by 42 they’d had two kids. Never seen them so happy.
If you ask them now (mid 50s) they’d both say “ ever wanted kids ever never ever but we are madly happy”.
I mean, he's been sat on wanting to end the relationship for a while. But doesn't just want to end it solely for the reason that he's not feeling it anymore. Instead of owning how he was feeling and just ending it – he's now been presented with an opportunity that allows him to walk away without looking the reason the relationship ended.
Fair enough you didn’t say it specifically. I just find you made a lot of projected excuses over what is simply problematic behaviour on her part.
It isn’t about the chess or letting the son win. It is about lying to her partner and going against what they had agreed upon. It is actually a very big deal and I guess I interpreted your theories as you excusing her behaviour. Which now that I RE read your comment I guess you aren’t.
Being super competitive with your child is an awful way to raise them… it’s legitimately unimpressive that you or your wife would win against a 10 year old. Why do you want to beat a 10 year old?
And insisting on playing games straight with a 10 year old is incredibly hyper competitive. Any chance people leave when you suggest scrabble or a hand of cards? Methinks you’ve ruined some relationships with other adults by making things competitive and unfun.
Thank you for your honesty! I wholly agree about my frustration being taken out on my boyfriend. He has known the roommates for 8yrs and I’ve only known them as long as we’ve been dating so I feel like my bf is the only person who can resolve this conflict for me (since he doesn’t feel comfortable with the way I would resolve it)
I didn’t mean for it to come across as my autism driving the boat. I included it because with the conflict of the roommates being there, people would advise that I should’ve just “let it go” and I agree and I tried to to my fullest ability. In my attempt to “let it go” I drank too much and conducted myself in a way my bf didn’t like and it was very unbecoming of me
You haven’t bonded. It’s been two days. What you’ve done is created a fantasy scenario of what life with your kid would be like. You don’t even know if it’s yours.
Let’s say she kept the pregnancy because you wanted her to. Then a DNA test is done and it’s not yours. What then? Will you raise this child or is she left on her own?
You can have feelings. Your feelings don’t mean you get to dictate if she continues this pregnancy. They just mean you’re allowed to feel sad and probably conflicted because you don’t even know if it’s yours.
No I think he’s right to ask his brother, SIL is pregnant and you just don’t go upsetting pregnant women. If the inquiry is kept discreet and drama free it’ll be easier to sort it out.
Sad to say but this has happened to many. I'm included.
I was paying for my then-fiance's lifestyle while he goes to school full time (was paying his tuition too) only to be treated like crap and cheated on. Good stuff.
Your being settled for. If the man she wanted (her bd) didn’t dip out on her, would she have called you?
He’s number 1 and your number 2. Just because number one doesn’t want to stay it doesn’t mean your now number 1, it just means it’s vacant for the next guy.
Save yourself the time your wasting staying with her and build your self to be someone’s number 1.
Call me old fashioned, but you and your SO should actually enjoy spending time together, regardless of what you’re doing. There shouldn’t have to be some kind of planned activity. The two of you should be friends as well as lovers, and friends like to hang out together. It doesn’t sound like she’s very invested in your relationship. I’d move on, but hey, your relationship = your decision.
You don't get to decide when a partner is ready to get rid of their memories. No matter how insecure you are about it, that time and friendship helped shape him into who he is today. Telling him to ditch them is a bad idea.
If he is anything like my previous partners, his wallet is a black hole, with things he hasn't thought about in years. It's possible that he forgot they were in there, and the memories hit hot. Instead of giving him space, you demanded he sooth your ego..
I think the important distinction here is late to what. If he’s missing movie starts or you’re in a restaurant alone for 30 min, that’s a big problem and not something I think you should tolerate. If it’s just that you’re asking at 7:30p when he’s coming over and he says “leaving soon” and then you get mad when he rolls in at 8:05p, then I think it’s not a big deal and you need to lighten up. But either way, who you date or don’t date for any reason is entirely up to you! If this is a dealbreaker, so what—let it be. There’s certainly a punctual man out there who shares your mindset and will be the one waiting on you!
You're allowed to say no whenever you want, for whatever reason. If the “one for him” is someone who gives in to whatever he wants, then he wants a doormat, not a partner. He's been abusing you, sexual coercion is not okay and is a form of sexual abuse.
When my mom was admitted to ICU in a coma after cardiac arrest, I couldn't even think. It's like my brain broke. My boyfriend drove me the eight hours to the hospital she was in, so I could be with her, then he drove back home because of work. He drove back to get me when I decided it was time to take her off life support, and held me while I said my last goodbye.
That's what a caring partner does. They support you, they make you not feel alone, they show you that you can lean on them for help. So, please know that you're not alone, lean on your family during this time of grief. I'm glad you're moving in with family. My heart feels for you.
Maybe you could sell this book on amazon for like a dollar.
Ghost. Not worth the time or energy. Take some time away from relationships and work on you and your goals.
Yeah, this is a big deal. He had a kid with her, then fucked her again 2 years later, and never clued in that her kid was old enough to be his??
Either he’s lying or a dumbass.
Fuck that guy.
Yep. It's her relationship. You tell her you don't like the guy, with concrete reasons, and you move on. Move into a hotel for visits, because it's their damn house. Aged people don't sleep on air mattresses, are you crazy?
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It sounds like you are processing this in a very normal way honestly. A few months out of an 8 year relationship and you already are starting to feel like you can move on? That's actually great. Takes me a solid year to process a long term relationship ending. For many it's too hot to draw a line between dating and friends without cutting them off completely. There's so many complicated feelings even in the best of scenarios. I'm sorry your message didn't help you to feel better but, unfortunately closure is this incredible idea that doesn't exist in reality. She got her closure from you by removing you from her life, not because she wants to scrub your entire memory from existence but because she wants fewer reminders of you throughout the day. She's likely sad about the loss of you (even if it's for the best) and now she's trying to make a life where for the first time after spending a third of her life with you, you're not the one she leans on.
I'm sorry. Breakups are absolutely horrible. This will feel less shitty over time, I promise. It's going to suck for a while too. Don't rush yourself to feeling better, or be mad you're not progressing as fast as you should be. You will feel better when you're ready.
Of course. If you wish to further chat about it, feel free to reach out to me at any time
Can I just add one thing. Friends of mine did not want kids. Married in their twenties and were very happy. Then she accidentally got pregnant when she was 40… by 42 they’d had two kids. Never seen them so happy.
If you ask them now (mid 50s) they’d both say “ ever wanted kids ever never ever but we are madly happy”.
Funny how life goes.
Some good advice by others here.
I’m sorry I don’t have a huge piece of advice.
I mean, he's been sat on wanting to end the relationship for a while. But doesn't just want to end it solely for the reason that he's not feeling it anymore. Instead of owning how he was feeling and just ending it – he's now been presented with an opportunity that allows him to walk away without looking the reason the relationship ended.
Fair enough you didn’t say it specifically. I just find you made a lot of projected excuses over what is simply problematic behaviour on her part.
It isn’t about the chess or letting the son win. It is about lying to her partner and going against what they had agreed upon. It is actually a very big deal and I guess I interpreted your theories as you excusing her behaviour. Which now that I RE read your comment I guess you aren’t.
Being super competitive with your child is an awful way to raise them… it’s legitimately unimpressive that you or your wife would win against a 10 year old. Why do you want to beat a 10 year old?
And insisting on playing games straight with a 10 year old is incredibly hyper competitive. Any chance people leave when you suggest scrabble or a hand of cards? Methinks you’ve ruined some relationships with other adults by making things competitive and unfun.
Thank you for your honesty! I wholly agree about my frustration being taken out on my boyfriend. He has known the roommates for 8yrs and I’ve only known them as long as we’ve been dating so I feel like my bf is the only person who can resolve this conflict for me (since he doesn’t feel comfortable with the way I would resolve it)
I didn’t mean for it to come across as my autism driving the boat. I included it because with the conflict of the roommates being there, people would advise that I should’ve just “let it go” and I agree and I tried to to my fullest ability. In my attempt to “let it go” I drank too much and conducted myself in a way my bf didn’t like and it was very unbecoming of me
You haven’t bonded. It’s been two days. What you’ve done is created a fantasy scenario of what life with your kid would be like. You don’t even know if it’s yours.
Let’s say she kept the pregnancy because you wanted her to. Then a DNA test is done and it’s not yours. What then? Will you raise this child or is she left on her own?
You can have feelings. Your feelings don’t mean you get to dictate if she continues this pregnancy. They just mean you’re allowed to feel sad and probably conflicted because you don’t even know if it’s yours.
No I think he’s right to ask his brother, SIL is pregnant and you just don’t go upsetting pregnant women. If the inquiry is kept discreet and drama free it’ll be easier to sort it out.
Sad to say but this has happened to many. I'm included.
I was paying for my then-fiance's lifestyle while he goes to school full time (was paying his tuition too) only to be treated like crap and cheated on. Good stuff.
Never again. Hopefully OP will wake up.
He’s living with another woman. IMO
You pee sitting down also. What is the difference
Your being settled for. If the man she wanted (her bd) didn’t dip out on her, would she have called you?
He’s number 1 and your number 2. Just because number one doesn’t want to stay it doesn’t mean your now number 1, it just means it’s vacant for the next guy.
Save yourself the time your wasting staying with her and build your self to be someone’s number 1.
Call me old fashioned, but you and your SO should actually enjoy spending time together, regardless of what you’re doing. There shouldn’t have to be some kind of planned activity. The two of you should be friends as well as lovers, and friends like to hang out together. It doesn’t sound like she’s very invested in your relationship. I’d move on, but hey, your relationship = your decision.
He's half your age. He doesn't care about you. Don't sleep with him
**eye roll**
Geez, maybe he should bulk the fuck up. I'm 5'4 155lb and my husband can lift me.
Seriously though, OP, this guy is being a douche bag. You don't deserve this.
You don't get to decide when a partner is ready to get rid of their memories. No matter how insecure you are about it, that time and friendship helped shape him into who he is today. Telling him to ditch them is a bad idea.
If he is anything like my previous partners, his wallet is a black hole, with things he hasn't thought about in years. It's possible that he forgot they were in there, and the memories hit hot. Instead of giving him space, you demanded he sooth your ego..
Stop bud.
That line of thinking is a lie and leads nowhere good.
Congratulations OP, good on both of you ?
She just thinks of you as a friend. Accept that.
I think the important distinction here is late to what. If he’s missing movie starts or you’re in a restaurant alone for 30 min, that’s a big problem and not something I think you should tolerate. If it’s just that you’re asking at 7:30p when he’s coming over and he says “leaving soon” and then you get mad when he rolls in at 8:05p, then I think it’s not a big deal and you need to lighten up. But either way, who you date or don’t date for any reason is entirely up to you! If this is a dealbreaker, so what—let it be. There’s certainly a punctual man out there who shares your mindset and will be the one waiting on you!
I would attend 1 family event per week and tell her that's the limit.
The roommate wants her designated driver and caretaker back! She’s selfish and jealous.
You're allowed to say no whenever you want, for whatever reason. If the “one for him” is someone who gives in to whatever he wants, then he wants a doormat, not a partner. He's been abusing you, sexual coercion is not okay and is a form of sexual abuse.
When my mom was admitted to ICU in a coma after cardiac arrest, I couldn't even think. It's like my brain broke. My boyfriend drove me the eight hours to the hospital she was in, so I could be with her, then he drove back home because of work. He drove back to get me when I decided it was time to take her off life support, and held me while I said my last goodbye.
That's what a caring partner does. They support you, they make you not feel alone, they show you that you can lean on them for help. So, please know that you're not alone, lean on your family during this time of grief. I'm glad you're moving in with family. My heart feels for you.