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Date: October 12, 2022
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Ok. Will see if she wants to go to dinner or something like that this week and let her know my intentions/feeling just so we both are in the same page if that’s the case.
Yeah you should probably start by getting that ring back.
I forgot to add: in relation to him following individual NSFW content creators. He has before told me that he does not do this and that he would not do this because he also views this as quite disrespectful because it may easily imply that you like THAT specific person when getting off rather than doing your deed to random people.
Honestly I don’t enjoy oral at all. If she doesn’t enjoy it, it’s not necessarily a criticism of your technique, just her preference. There are other ways to enjoy yourselves!
Many women don't climax during penetrative sex. Let him do what you do during masturbation. Guide him what kind of touch you enjoy. Most women need clitoral stimulation, so he can do this with hands, mouth or toys. It's not hard.
UpdateMe!
It is. Such a weird story to make up for karma lol
a what? is this code for something else?
Hi OP. I hear what you are saying about wanting to follow your heart and be authentic with someone you care about. Maybe it even feels a little dishonest not telling her how you feel. Things like getting changed or trying clothes etc could be a bit of a mine field and feel very confusing.
The thing that stands in your way is her choice to be monogamous. The decisions and protocols of a monogamous marriage are a bit different from a more open arrangement. People who are in a long-term committed relationship don't stay together based on the feeling of love. When you talk to long-term couples, you find that what holds them together are things like patience, forgiveness, and the ability to let things go. This is because long-term, committed relationships are more about choice than love. People fall in love many times in life, but choosing a life partner is about compatibility. She picked him because everything annoying about him didn't outweigh all the positive that he brought into her life. She likes the version of herself that he creates. So she picked him. Since they have been together, they have worn spaces in each other that only they fit in. Parts of their life are so comfortable they are automatic. There's an all-encompassing sense of peace and contentment they give each other that exists only in the space they created. This would be an awful lot for either of them to lose. Preserving this comfort involves some level of respect and bounbaries. It means that, as a committed person, you don't put yourself in morally questionable positions, not because your partner is a tryant but because it gives off the icky tummy feeling we learn to trust as kids. That is your go home feeling. Then you go home and say something like yeah I had to come home early, people were drunk, or a couple of guys were being at bit inappropriate, it wasn't my scene. Your partner hugs you and says sorry our evening was ruined by dickheads and you get icecream and snuggles. Big win.
Your situation is different. you can pursue this without risking your own stable relationship because you have found a different balance. I choose your friends balance and it is for that perspective I speak. But I don't place any less value on the relationship you have chosen. So here are how this might play out in her reality.
If you tell her: … Your friendship gets weird. You have shifted into her man box (the people who she could sleep with) and her current relationship requires she disclose that. So he has to tell her husband that a person she has been spending loads of time with recently is a potential sexual partner. This means that despite her intentions, he feels as if she has been parading around with competition. (I'm trying really hard not to gender anyone here, but it kind required to explain his emotional position) It effectively is the same as finding out her cozy best girl bud us actually a hard available guy. That's six months of discomfort on his mind. She didn't do anything, she didn't even know enough to do anything, but it gives the icky feeling. …. from here it goes two ways
If she says no: … She still feels guilty for it. she didn't know and is apologising for it, saying that she would have behaved differently if she had known. Now she feels like on some level you tricked her into violating her moral code even if you didn't mean to and suddenly the icky feeling is your fault. …..
if she says yes: … you are in a relationship nobody knows the rules of. You want open, she wants monogamy, in order for her to be happy you have to meet all needs that used to be automatically met, while also filling in all the extra gaps made in her shape by the last person she was with and now is suddenly aware of. This is on top of the additional hurdles of a normal rebound relationship, and a first same sex relationship. No matter how much you want it the chances aren't good.
So in summary, for you the risk is worth it. But for her the cost's just too high. As a friend who loves her. Regards of how that love is formed. Your only choice is to leave it alone. You cannot replace what a confession from you would take from her. Love is about wanting the best for someone else even if it hurts you. I'm sorry you can't have this one. But one day when you are over her and have found comfort in your own sexuality you will look back on her as the gift who showed you who you really are.
You're depressed because you know what you're doing is wrong. Break up with your boyfriend already- he doesn't deserve to be with a cheater. You are obsessed with your boss because he's older and seems cool and has a girlfriend you can, “compete,” with for his attention but if he dated you, he would cheat on you eventually too. Break up with your boyfriend and sleep around if that's what you want to do, with SINGLE men. Get on Tinder or OkCupid if it's still a thing and find flings to enjoy and get out of your system. Sow your wild oats so that one day when you think you're ready to settle down, you aren't as likely to cheat again.
Well, he’s a jerk. He’s just a jerk. I will tell you that physical intimacy and working it out so that you both are getting your needs met is important in a relationship. Read a few of the infidelity posts on Reddit and you will be disturbed. I’m not saying how he did it was right it was not he was a jerk. But like most things your part in there is you have to figure out what you can do and follow through or help him because he’s not in this alone.
Such a big dick energy to tell millions of people your dick may be small.
It isn't really though, just very slightly under average, not a big deal.
I’m all for ethical breeding of puppies to breed standard (none of these “designer” breed mixes like anydoodles, and at this point I’m feeling similarly about the brachycephalic breeds too). Being able to know the pup’s lineage and having their parents/grandparents’ etc health info/health screening can be helpful. If people want to adopt, that is great too! But what would happen to a lot of dog breeds if no ethical breeders bred for a few generations and only the irresponsible people out there were producing animals? I think there’s a place for both, but really people should be responsible and held accountable for their animals.
Try r/relationships
This is the way.
Thank you! Will do!
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Get a life dude, quit making up nonsense
Good for you for not accepting her nonsense
It is a 6 month relationship. In the scheme of things not that long. If she wants space and taking a step back do it. You cannot force a reconciliation from one side. Often when women say they want to take a step back they are trying to be gentle about ending the relationship. Be a good person and don't initiate any communication for at least 7 days. Give it some space and evaluate with a clear head.
Well, she wants to move out but is saving money for a place. Change anything?
Yeah, this is just your bf sharing TMI and making your parents uncomfortable. I’m straight, and I imagine my parents would respond similarly if I brought home a man who talked about how he likes to just plow the f—k out of me.
Remember that your parents are human, and they’re going to have feelings. They’re entitled to that. Give them time to deal with their feelings, and maybe coach your bf before the next interaction. Maybe his family has different boundaries than yours.
I could be COMPLETELY wrong, and if so, I apologize in advance. But I feel like maybe you put that date deliberately to try to appeal more to girls a few years younger, so you didn't 'age yourself out' from them. :-/ How do you not notice you got your birthdate wrong? Those sites usually even ask you to review and confirm when putting that in.
And like I said, if I'm wrong, I apologize. But I've seen SO MANY guys do this, and it IS kind of sus.
You should definitely go fuck some 20 year olds.
This is something I’ve been considering. Understanding the why might be helpful to us both here, for me to get where it’s coming from might help me to let it go and for him to hear my concern might fix the situation
I’m of the opinion that a true friend doesn’t sleep with the ex. Looks like you’ll have to either accept the way things are and that these are the people you surround yourself with, or you leave the entire friend group which hurts like hell.
Having a child should be a two-persons dessision. Legaly once you are pregnate its all your/the woman choice (if abortion is legal/avalable). Until then, all a man can do to make sure his wish agianst being a father (for whatever reason) is to not have sex with you or keep a wrapper on his thingy. You need to respect his choice as much as he should respect yours.
that being said, its not that he doesnt want kids with you, its just not-while-you-are-living-in-a-unsure-and-small-rental. Thats acutaly something you can chance: your living arrangments. You want a child with this man, he wants secure houseing before starting having kids – so start looking for bank loans and go look for a house or larger appartment. Once thats fixed, go have some scoodelipooping and make some kids with this guy. A guy who want secureity before kids and not just wanting kids on a whim is kind of hard actualy, so keep him, do the homework (loan and house) and then go be a big happy family together
Break up
18 Yo – Check.
“The most wonderful/love of my life” etc – Check.
Cheats/Lies/Gaslights – Yup.
No, he isn't the person you've tricked yourself into thinking he is, never was clearly.
You know what you should do.
Does he also want you to wear a corset and a bustle? Sounds like it.
Hard pass dude. He could’ve spent his time learning how to be a more productive partner or idk getting a hobby. Instead he learned how to be a rabid misogynist. Not only did he look into red pill, he researched it and thought “yeah I like that, that sounds right to me.” Absolutely a big fat no from me.
He won’t stop! Let his ex have him & be on your way.
Your wife is jealous of an old homeless lady hugging you? Is she aware of the high percentage of homeless folks that are homeless due to mental illness or drug use? Doing nothing and not causing a scene was your best option in that case and your wife has major deductive reasoning issues. Just holy shit Batman…I’m 000/100 in the instances in which I’d drive this conclusion if a homeless person approached my spouse.
She hasn't answered her phone. It is 4am where she is at. I left messages to call me asap.
No I do, it just doesn’t feel very intense, it feels weird because she feels so incredible then I feel good, just not amazing.
So very very sorry you are facing this. Some input:
Alcohol is not your Hs friend. No more drinking alone. Hell, mayby nor more drinking period for a while.
Individual therapy for him. For you too if you want it to help deal with this. Later, marriage counseling.
Sleep separately for a while. He needs to be in guest room or couch. There has to be a price. He needs to know how much he hurt you and yoyr marriage.
Both of you read, “How To help your spouse heal after your affair”. He had an affair. No intercourse or oral but deep kissing is a big deal nonetheless.
Bounderies, bounderies, boubmnderies. He needs to learn titanium bounderies.
No more going out alone…ever.
Hes going to have to learn to make it up to you for a long long long time. A long time. How long? 2-5 years is the rule of thumb.
This is NOT about ANY failing on your part, its about his internal failings
If you want to move in then I would absolutely pay rent. Otherwise her family, friends, coworkers, whoever will think you’re in it for the money. This way she can’t be resentful of you not paying for your half and you won’t be in a weird place with your reputation. You don’t want to get in some argument down the road and she pulls out some insult about the situation. I’d pay rent digitally and then you always have records that you paid.
This is not worrying and not about trust. I also do this it's called hypervigilancd and is something people do for many many reasons.
I have ADHD so that's part of it but hypervigilance also happens in people who had difficult upbringings, angry or aggressive parents, anxieties in the house hold etc.
It's not terrible but not healthy either and is an indicator of insecurities and anxieties.
Whatever others are saying about weird and controlling behaviour is 100% wrong although I don't doubt that SOME controlling people also exhibit this.
Thank you for being the first helpful, in hours
Dude she cant and wont tell you the truth. Rather then have a conversation about what happened or that you need to adjust the boundaries or even hey chatted with my ex earlier today here is our conversation. She lies and hides and denies.
What happens with other uncomfortable things come up during marriage like money and raising kids.
End it. Without trust you don't have a relationship. Your wife should be your ride or die and she wont tell you the truth.
Agree. It was a single offhand comment, he was probably drinking and trying to be funny. OP should talk to him about it so he knows it bothered him, but all these people jumping straight to breaking up are way off base imo.
i’m not a guy but i saw you say you slowed down on porn & stuff recently. have you ever thought about kind of getting yourself a little close to half way and stopping when you’re about to head out the see her? like exclusively doing it before her but waiting to finish?
Yea nah my dude it doesn't work this way break up because both of your aren't on the same page
Could you live! with yourself if she never knew and you never told her…
Right so he's always wanted to go on a bachelor party with his friends and you want to deny him this out of spite? You're pregnant anyway and can't have a bachelorette so why wouldn't you just have one when you bounce back from the baby? Seems fair no?
It sounds like he grew up and you are still fixated with what you had. Her proposing to him does NOT make her “desperate”.
Knowing someone for a longer period of time does not mean that you own them and that they have to prioritize you.
I've seen 38 year old girls that look illegal, and illegal girls that looked in their 20s. Don't place too much stock in “looks”. I doubt they could even be on insta looking that way if they hadn't at the very least lied about their age.
All this sounds like is your BF…like 99.99% of all the other men on planet earth….likes skinny young pretty women in thongs.
This really should not be a mind blower.
Obviously, he also likes you since he's with you. Us men ain't nearly so picky about women as women are about men. We can like all sorts of things at once. Makes sense if he's already got himself a thicc girl, he'd look at what he doesn't have readily available access too.
You're reading WAY too much into this.
It takes a real friend to be honest with you. He is right. And he did say he respected your decision either way
What are you gaining from staying in this relationship?
No request for advice just a request for DM's and chatting…fuck that, you know damn well virtually everyone will tell you to end your cheating and be honest with your spouse. You don't have to be a douchebag but you certainly seem to be choosing to be one.
Depressed people can be both cheating and toxic. I’ve met plenty.
Agreed! Gosh can you imagine living in a world where this bothers you? I do feel bad that maybe young people today aren’t helped to cope with this kind of thing. Trust is important. Good to talk and work through insecurities but this sounds controlling.
In real life I’m sure there are a lot of real interactions that my husband gets “likes” from other women… the UPS girl…the Director at that one place….his employees….some random girl walking down the street…
Honestly, I am not demanding a lot. I'd be happy if she just asks me to hang out once in a while. I currently live! 200km away since I'm doing an apprenticeship at a bank and I only come back to my homeplace during the weekends. Only then am I able to see her (next month I'll see her more often).
We see each other almost every weekend. It's always me who asks for a sleepover at my place for example. Sometimes I even feel stupid because I invite myself over to her place and she just agrees. I mean, it's her place – SHE is supposed to invite me over, or am I wrong?
This would be a good starting point. It would be nice if she would make plans for us because the entire time, I am the one making plans for the weekend. She just agrees, that's it.
Besides that, I would appreciate if she starts to cuddle me. Not a whole lot, just take my arm or snuggle besides me. That's all I want. It's really frustrating to think about this – we don't see each other a whole week, sometimes even two and I don't get a single bit of action from her side. It feels like she doesn't miss me (don't get me wrong, I know she does).
He certainly can, but his newborn will have to come first. Cause she's, you know, a helpless baby and not a grown adult.
Having the intention is as good as actually doing it. If not for you finding out, she’d be sleeping with him right now.
Also if you think you caught her before cheating, remember this is the first time that you know of
I write professionally and I charge $45 an hour. $35 is the least I've ever charged for freelance gigs. You know absolutely nothing about her field or what she wants to do (technical writing is especially lucrative if she's good at it) and are still being demeaning and nasty about it.
It's an especially insidious combination to be condescending and underachieving at the same time. You're happy to have her silly little ambitions put food in your mouth, but you have no actual respect for her goals or skills. Truly gross.
Being on the deed of the house is not the issue here. Why do you want to tie yourself to a guy who is happy to live! in a state of constant decline? He’s not going to magically start spending money on things and will continue to on-line in squalor.
Everything around finances will be a battle and that sounds exhausting. He is being pound foolish if he doesn’t see that his home needs to be taken care of before it falls down around him. It sounds like it’s already a battle…and his outlook on life does not seem compatible with yours.
THEY DON’T EVEN PICK UP THE RINDS!! Ugh. So much ugh.
Tbh a serious relationship might not be for you if appeasing your sexual frustration takes higher precedence. You might as well just be single and go for something casual. The problem isn't you being sexually frustrated, but you just sound very selfish. You are in a relationship and free to leave if you want to mess around. If you want on-line your sexual fantasies then go ahead as a single person. You are just being egotistical trying to justify or excuse what you did while in a relationship that you didn't have to continue. You make it sound like anyone would do the same thing, but noone would do that if they had a good partner. It is just a half assed decision arising from a half assed relationship. Toxic behavior is for toxic people. Not everyone has mental/emotional issues to be acting like that.
Throw out the trash, come on man you know what happened.
Talking to opposite sex on snap chat is not innocent. Especially when your partner doesn’t like it. You know that.
This. The burning sensation OP mentioned also made me think it may be an allergy. OP, if you used latex condoms, get non-latex ones before you try again.
Do u give him oral? Cuz if u do, stop or offer 69.
As someone with a B.S in Biology and a minor in psychology, I’d love for you to link the actual research and studies that back up what you’re saying. But to me, you’re throwing words around that don’t make sense together. Any reputable psychologist doesn’t use the reasoning of “humans are animals” to describe behavior because we’re so extremely removed from that.
There aren't many major religions on Earth that view sex as something to be enjoyed outside of whatever passes for a covenantal blessing of the relationship in that given faith. So it may not be that he thinks sex is only for procreation (although that is part of Catholic dogma). Most other faiths do view sex as way to keep a marriage strong in the interest of giving a proper rearing to the offspring that results from sex, rather than just to create more kids. But you obviously can't marry this guy just on the hope that would change everything for him. If you're into sex and he's holding back like this, regardless of the reason, you and he just may not be a good match.
He sounds like he is having some kind of breakdown. This is above Reddit’s pay grade, you should get a therapist for yourself right now.
Gee, I don’t know… maybe a LOCK on the door? A 99 cent LATCH? WTF.
I’m sorry. I read the whole thing and I agree that you have to find a way to leave. I believe his ex. He is clearly unhealthy obsessed with her and I believe he sexually assaulted her. He’s also been abusive to you. I get that you’re broke and leaving is tough… but you’ve got to start making an escape plan. He’s nuts and it’s not at all unlikely he will hurt you or your children. Please make a plan. Even if it takes a bit. Please get out. And please stop making babies with him.
Why does she have to wait to tell him until after he next texts her. It seems pretty easy to clear up. “Hey, just wanted to let you know that my husband and I monogomous. So this is just platonic on my end, but I do enjoy being friends”
Also look up emotional affairs and make sure you are your wife are on the same page with boundries around emotional affairs
This isn't normal at all. It's insanely controlling. “Not about insecurity” my ass. What a psycho.
Yes. Get on that plane. Homie has been HELLA cheating on u.
Certainly! I don't want to be with someone who is smoking as I lost someone who smoked a lot. But to try and impose your control on the other person, that to me is wrong.
This is good to know! For you and your partners! Because I absolutely wouldnt want to be a regular partner of yours. And that's ok.