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Kitten, y.o.
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Date: October 25, 2022
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My highschool sweetheart broke up with me senior year and I was devastated. I cringe when I think back to some of the things I did during that break up trying to win him back.
My best advice is to take some deep breaths and not give into some of the toxic thoughts on trying to keep a finished relationship alive.
For easing the pain take all the memories/mementos and put them in a box if you don’t want to throw them out. Give the box to a trusted friend or family member to hide. This way you don’t find yourself doom spiraling by looking at everything and obsessing.
The best cure is honestly just time. Eventually you will be able to open that box of memories back up and look at everything fondly and see how they helped you grow into a better person and a better partner for future relationships.
I believe you can find what you are looking for, but looking for a selfless relationship is a doomed idea. Unending, undeserved affection can in many ways feel utterly crushing and overwhelming. You've already caught on in that you expect at least sexual and emotional fidelity in your relationship but an immediate, and overwhelming devotion at any cost for your partner can turn them into monsters. Feelings of inferiority, or superiority can manifest that causes people to do crazy things, but it might be too early to look for a life partner, depending on the social and cultural enviroment you're in.
Love is a game of give and take, but both sides ideally being willing to give more than they recieve. Most people your age are dating to date, to explore relationships of intimacy and figure out themselves. They are usually not dating with the intent to marry, though again, enviroments may vary.
People can find the one in their teens, and some in their 70's, some never find them and some realize they've been married to the one all along. The only way to never find your true love is to never go looking. Though don't expect your one true love to be perfect, cause no one is.
Lmao. Walking over me is the fact that it was all done under wraps.. apparently you are okay with people just doing things that may hurt you behind your back and not figuring out? I don’t care they did anything it’s the lack of respect. You must not like to have it
I’m just worried this decision will affect my future some day.
She's strongly implied she will leave me the burden of all of our debt (mortgage, cars, student loans, etc)
My ex wife didn't imply anything because she had lost the ability to only tell me her true motives when she was angry
She made it perfectly clear she wanted as much as she could get and i was just an ATM to her, then she had the house stripped bare when i was a work
She didn't pay any CS as our kid stayed with me 7/7 but did claim it for her fictitious child when she moved.
She was a lovely human being
So, my advice being someone that did act when they heard this line of attack.
Now is the time for two things, clear and specific legal advice about your circumstances, start at 50/50 responsibility and debt ownership or asset/savings ownership
Then math, math and math, soak up any divorce law you can read live covering where you live, it might save to 5/6 zero's
Work out your worst case scenario and then what leverage you have to negotiate “your” divorce terms with both of the above.
My ex was money hungry and debt avoidant to be nice about it, i dangled cold quick cash like mistletoe, with the threat of zero payout for years otherwise
You need to work out your cheatcode
You'll note your emotions do not come into this, nor your feelings about your marriage.
It's because you can't see the picture when you're in the frame dude.
You have been targeted for paying the bill and a guarantee you, it's only a matter of when
Putting your ducks in rows is what you need to be thinking about without letting on at all
Those words scream that she is duck aligning herself
Winter is coming
I feel like they might work in a bar?? It's the only way it make sense. And to have worked in bars, they're 100% fucking.
This situation WILL NOT IMPROVE, get out NOW!
Sorry this crap is happening to you.. What’s going on with your memory?
It's a big red flag to me that a 40 year old man with 2 full time dependent children is talking marriage with a 23 year old metre months into dating. He's got responsibilities as a parent not to rush into things exactly like this. His kids need to come first, and foisting a 23 year old “new mom” onto them is majorly failing in those responsibilities.
I have before but she rejected even tho she liked me back but that was a couple months ago and I don’t know if now would be a good time to tell her or maybe I just don’t want to
If I was in your position I would've refused to come to any event Marissa was invited for. Your entire family and her have been disgusting in their lack of acceptance of your relationship. If they won't change then you should cut them off. Refuse to talk to them until they change and accept your decision.
I ain't even know how to react
Thank you for not immediately dismissing my concerns. I agree that it seems like he’s trying to turn me on or something but it’s just not in a way that I’m into and he’s already been told twice. You’re right that I need to sit him down and have a talk about this.
I mean Carla can come on the trip and you don’t have to go to the baths. There’s a way for all of this to be ok. You go. Carla goes. You don’t go to the bath with the group. Everyone’s happy.
If you’re friends want to force you to bath with anyone regardless of their gender identity or expression, they aren’t very good friends.
Thanks!
It could indeed be that she didn't know how to comfort you without making you feel like she thought you were weak.
Still, it is an issue to address. Unfortunately, you're gonna have other events in your life that will break your heart. You need a partner that you can rely on, or no partner at all. Because having a partner that you see you can't count on will drag you down even more
Yeah, right… I advised to give it a try… how is that rape… you never know till you try.
Does she have facial piercings?
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Depends on the size of the prick
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This started 6 months before she got pregnant dude.
What if he descends into full-blown QAnon fantasies?
This is the real problem. The guy is gullible, and doesn’t have the moral fiber to stop himself from being a sack of shit. With that, there’s not really a limit to how deranged he might end up.
And as for his views on abortion states and income tax, that’s just factually inaccurate in more than one way. I would guarantee there are more red flags with this guy than OP realizes right now. He sounds like a dipshit in every way.
In some states (I’m not from the US and this is just from a quick Google so could be wrong. Feel free to correct) it says that a pet owner can legally use force to defend their pet from abuse so OP could argue this
Your ADHD spouse who has been honest with you about how he can best support your wants and needs has told you he’s willing to put in the effort to make you happy. You’re shooting down every logical person on this sub who is telling you that giving him the help he’s asking for is going to lead to more of what you want.
HIS ADHD does not work the way YOU want it to. It is literally preventing his brain from thinking the way yours does, and you expect him to use willpower to overcome this? Again, I can appreciate how this post might not speak two the 16 years you’ve been together and the disappointment or stress that stems from that, but I could not honestly sit here and tell my partner his effort isn’t good enough because it doesn’t meet my standard, after I’ve refused to help him in the way he’s asked. So I’ll ask you: what do you wanna hear from this sub + community? You asked for advice, you’re being called out, and you’re not listening because it’s not what you want to hear. ADHD causes short attention spans, that’s what the meds are for. It comes across as if our short term memory is fucked or as if we don’t listen, that’s not the case, our brains just don’t retain this information. You say his ADHD is untreated – so you’re literally asking him to do something that he is mentally incapable of doing and then insinuating he’s lazy. Look, idk if he’s not on meds cause y’all can’t afford it or he’s unemployed or maybe he doesn’t believe in meds, but you’re literally setting your spouse up for failure because it’s more important for you to dig your heels in the dirt. God, is this what relationships are in 2022? We don’t compromise or meet each other half way anymore? We nurse ego and only accept things the way we want them? Yo, if this is your hill to do on, so be it, but this is an advice sub. Don’t come here and ask for advice or help and then write off anyone who doesn’t agree with you. Your spouse asked for help to love you as you want to be loved. You don’t want to help. That makes this a YOU problem. So either you help or you stay unhappy. Take it or leave it.
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INFO: Does your mom want her there?
It sounds like she’s stringing you along mate. Find someone with a bit of maturity and who won’t play games to try and keep you interested. If she acts like this just as friends, what do you think she’ll be like in a relationship?
$100 for a HJ?
That's too much. He got swindled
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That sounds a bit like my ex. Notice the part where I mentioned “ex”
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You need to ask for it, if he says he wants to go first, keep it light hearted and respond “nope it’s a me day, so me first”.
How he responds will give you your answer.
People like that don’t change. I’m sorry.
Came here to say this. She’s not to be blamed, OP started this with enthusiasm… why would she constantly check up on him?!
She went from “I want you” to “I want other guys with you there to watch” to “I want other guys with you out of the picture.”
Just wondering… does this with your apetite happened since the end of November? When you get your UID with which you had so much problems?
Well, we kinda already had that, to be fair. I suggested a restaurant in a city centre, to which he agreed, only for him to later change the restaurant that is closer to my house and that he could also go shopping for home essentials while on a date.
Some people when drunk do things they would never do sober and say things they don't actually mean.
Issue is there is wrong, but common belief that when drunk you act and do things you would do even sober, alcohol has just released all mental constrains. Even here what you have now written is blasphemy, because they are unable to comprehend different people react to alcohol differently from them.
All you can do us to try to convey this point to your bf. As an anecdote I know (vaguely) someone who was very angry under inflence and would cause violent fights with other people. He has stopped driking completely some time ago, and as far as I know such behaviour has never occured when he is sober both in the past and after becoming abstinent.
Stop watching her kid. She obviously has issues within her marriage, and while you are innocent in that, she will point fingers at anyone that is close. Time to cut her off and let her figure out her problems.
Can you not explore your wild side with someone you’re dating?
I really don't think he was joking when he suggested you dropped $400 for a 20 min drive.
But now you know his true colours and can act accordingly.
As someone who has gotten pregnant over the course of her life three separate times whilst on three different forms of birth control… USE THE CONDOMS.
Some people are just really goddamned fertile. Also nothing is 100%.
I'd personally recommend against an ultimatum. They don't work well, and people feel understandably between a rock and a very hot place. They also might respond in the opposite way you want to to make a point about being given an ultimatum.
You should sit down and talk to him. Explain to him how you're feeling and how you feel it's impacting your relationship. Show some concern about his work-life balance and mental health as well
Please call the sexual abuse center & ask for guidance on how to secretly leave the apartment & your relationship.
I do feel pushed around. I think that I am a very easily manipulated person, but that makes it difficult to trust my own interpretation of things. So I appreciate the perspective, thanks
Well, didn’t he turn out to be an incredible asshole. It seems like the one thing he’s good at is tearing you down.
Please let us know how much better your life turns out when you punt this dude.
Go to take a ceramics class, cooking class, yoga class, or shop class. Could even go see a concert, go to a museum, video arcade, etc. could even just go on a hike.
Games- arcades, claw machine arcades, board game cafes Music- concerts, themed club nights Nerds- plan things depending on what kind of nerd you are
The circumcision thing is a very hot pass for me. Using religion to carve a human rights violation Into a non consenting individuals flesh is wrong and I’d end the relationship over that. Every relationship has a few “foot down” moments from either party. This is yours. He cannot violate your morales or principles and he’s likely being pressured by his family.
Talk to a lawyer. You probably need to end it anyway
Don't ever apologize for something that I should've told her weeks ago. But thank you for the truest possible words you've ever told me. However, I'll still remain friends with her cause I feel more comfortable with it.
Her explanation for not letting me use her phone is that there are things on her phone that she finds embarrassing and she wouldn’t want me to think less of her or mock her after seeing them.
She's cheating
3 years? And there are things on your phone that you would be embarrassed for your partner to see? Mmhm
So you make your gf subsidize her OWN FUCKING DATES?! AMD YOU'RE ACTUALLY ADMITTING TO IT?!?!
That sounds like a wise idea, I hope she does. Still horrible that she’s being forced into situations and decisions like that.
I’m 24 now and I’m able to say no and get slightly aggressive if I have to but when I was like 18/19 I would feel so uncomfortable if I already said no and that I had a bf multiple times. There was one time I gave my number but then just blocked him. Even if I were single I would have had zero interest in that guy, he would just not stop following and asking, coming up with different solutions to my excuses. As long as she doesn’t respond and blocks him I don’t think it’s necessary to go through the extent of changing her number.
I’m sorry you are hurting. Let’s make a plan!
First, if you’re living rent free at your parents’ how much can you save each month? Let put that in a savings account. Small and steady is fine.
What interests you? Time to get involved!
Being with your parents doesn’t mean you have to stay home all the time.
Cultivate friendships! Enjoy life!
It will be ok!
You can't exactly keep the relationship she wants to change, when someone in a monogamous relationship wants to open it up, there is almost always someone in mind they want to do it with. It shouldn't matter if it is just women or men, it's asking for a free pass to cheat.
It'll be better to consider ending the relationship because she either will end it or try to cheat more quietly.
Sounds like he found you attractive as he pursued you. As soon as you get together, it becomes more about connecting, enjoying being with the other person and a sense of the relationship growing quickly. Perhaps he was superficial and not interested in a relationship, who knows, but it's worth spending time on your own interests so you have lots to talk about when you do meet someone.
Unfortunately, there isn't the kind of closure you seek, in branding up with a cheater. And yes, you are doing to have to come to terms that it was all a lie.
The grace for you lies in realizing you can go forward in your life without that now. He stole the past several months from you, but you've reclaimed the rest of your life. Don't berate yourself for not knowing; you were lied to, and there isn't shame in believing your partner. The shame is HIS alone. Yeah, fuck you Bryan! I was married to a serial cheater for 25 years and truly didn't know, until I found out. I separated and divorced very quickly, when it became clear he just continued to lie about it. It's the giant regret of my life, I have up so much to be his wife – he was a military officer and we moved all the time. I raised two kids under those tough conditions. But you know what? I did a fucking fantastic job I was a terrific (faithful) wife, made him look great on the job, raised well behaved, smart daughters who were a credit to him… none of that ceases to be true, just because he couldn't behave himself. He has a character disorder, clearly – and that's not on me.
What I did get, was the rest of my life free from looking after his ungrateful cheating, and the lies that bloom from his toxic tongue.
You need to spend some time single and working on yourself: this is a season to treat yourself kindly, reconnect with platonic friends who really make you feel like your authentic, fulfilled self. Pick up a new hobby or two. Explore your city, take a little roadtrip. Think of it as dating yourself for a bit. Connect with a therapist for awhile if you're still struggling to put the deception into context and can't find a healthy perspective for yourself – it can be so, so helpful and really help you fix your perception of relationships, expectations, and essentially “fix your picker.”
I divorced my ex 10 years ago now, and I've had a terrific time meeting my real self, even though I was in my mid 40s at that point. I've been with a genuinely sweet hyper-faithful guy for the last 6. He treats me like a precious thing, thinks he's lucky to have me. Acts like he struck gold everytime he comes home and I've got dinner in the oven. (He was a bachelor for a long time, after divorcing a cheater too.)
I wish you the best. I'm sorry that your reality has that there aren't answers when you leave a cheater, but that's his it works. I'm sure you were a great girlfriend to him – and you get to keep that! You'll be a great partner to whomever comes next. I understand the desire to make sense of it all, but resist the desire to seek that out from him – just be No Contact, block him everywhere, and do what you can to move forward and heal your hurt on your own.
Please I mentioned before I’m not crying, please stop saying I am. I understand sexism is bad and shouldn’t be done by anyone towards anybody
Textbook projection lol. You have nothing to feel bad about, watch whatever (as long as it's not illegal obvs), your gf is the one who is ACTUALLY creepy for dating someone 10 years younger than her. She's projecting those feelings on to you and accusing you of doing the exact same thing she's doing.
That would be a nightmare, you got me there.
I really don’t see my partner as breaking that way, but you never really know until you know.
Stop trying to fix this mess of a relationship and move on. She needs to get herself together after a very recent self injury attempt and multiple health issues. You need counseling to try to discover why you are allowing someone to restrict your relationship with your family and shy you feel great need to change perfectly normal behavior for someone else. I suspect trauma bonding.
Another casualty of purity culture, and the fixation of being first, or one and only. Your wife has been conditioned to believe that virginity is a valuable commodity, and thus she has been cheated. This conditioning won't be easy to break, as it is likely tied into her religious and cultural views.
Perfect example of why you don’t marry someone just because you love each other.
Loving anyone doesn’t mean you will work together in life perfectly. Perhaps you should’ve given it another year.
What you need to realize right now is, the time you’ve put into this person and the marriage does not equate to you having to be miserable. Because I hate to tell you, it’s not getting any better. For him, this is a pattern that he doesn’t have to change because he has done the same thing four times over now. For you, this was your second times a charm hoping that this would go much better than your last, which is totally understandable. But you need to remember that energy and feel that right now, you still deserve to be happy. Leave him. Because he will not change.
Sis – lets flip this. You are reluctant to burst his bubble but the fact is your husband is actively manipulating you and your housemate into doing something you have specifically said you do not want to do.
His behavior is INCREDIBLY disrespectful of you, your marriage vows and his friend. His behavior is incredibly selfish and potentially dangerous to you.
I'm sorry Sis, but him pressuring you and trying to orchestrate this whole liason behind the scenes when you have explicitly said no, that is WRONG on every level. Like, in my book, divorce grounds.
Please value yourself enough to put a VERY HOT stop to this and leave while you figure out if you want to stay with a man who is this manipulative and disrespectful to your boundaries and feelings.
Sis, let me put it this way – it could be something as simple as oral sex. If a partner says NO, it means NO. It doesn't mean brow beat them into it and then try to manipulate them into a situation where they can't say no. If a partner says no, it means no.
Your busband is bad news.
She literally threw an object that could cause serious injuries and is BLAMING YOU!
Dude, how long until she grabs something worse. What if that lamp had hit your daughter? Take your daughter, move out, and file for custody.
Insecurity is no excuse for assault and possible child endangerment!
The age gap is fine in theory but in practice always ends in a terrible outcome.
Sure, but there’s a thing called basic respect. Everyone deserves some privacy, even if they are sharing a space with others.
I don’t understand the notion that because she is not the homeowner that means she does not deserve the most basic level of decency.
why do some women just ignore what people say and do, then try to write their own narrative instead of simply just accepting what someone does as the reality?
why ask generalized questions of males, when you are specifically talking about your guy? how about r/askmen since you really aren't asking for advice, you are just trying to generalize something.
she threw it all away
Quite literally, in the trash can.
I was curious as to where this would end honestly. I was hoping she had the brains to immediately clear her name but I guess not. Instead, she had to think about it? Sounds like she had to think of more lies. If you meant so much to her, it took her a long ass time to come to that conclusion. Happy that you stood your ground and kept your boundaries, you'll find someone that will equally respect you someday.
You are absolutely delusional.
What if he’s uncircumcised? Omg the smegma. She’s been giving him blowjobs ??