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Date: October 16, 2022
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Yikesss
You should break up with him and take the cat. If you don’t wanna keep him yourself, a rescue would almost certainly take him so long as you don’t live! in an area with major cat overpopulation.
Wait, so they’re in their 80s? But you and your partner are in your 20s? How old were they when he was born?
Here's your L Not all men who are traumatized act the same. Hell, I quit counting the number of times I was molested back when I was….I'd say 7 naked to really pinpoint. It didn't stop till I was 12. Nobody would know. I quit telling people. Finally years later my one molester came clean to the whole family. Even though all of them had heard me tell them for years, none believed me. Then they realized I wasn't joking….and all the people I said were, actually we're. Men talk, people don't listen. Don't imagine anything, listen. Words. When a kid trusts you, don't fail em.
You didn't fuck or intend to fuck, its not cheating.
To be fair to you, she probably shouldn't have mentioned that a long distance could work before she had really thought about whether she would/could practically commit to one with you and whether she was keen enough to do that. Best not to throw hope-inducing comments around until you can follow through with them.
False
If you do not see the problem with you behavior you really should speak to a therapist. This is completely self centered. It doesn't matter what the subject of you asking him to avoid is, you are putting boundaries on his behavior, not how he interacts with you and that is controlling and unacceptable.
I know it’s not all men and women do too. I’m just tired of it, Even if i say it’s not what i want they think im not serious about it
Yep, that's it guys, we found the perfect comment!
I bet you'd help a friend, sister or cousin out of the situation! You have more strength than you'll ever know, girl – dig deep and do this for yourself, you'll have so much pride in who you are if you take care of you!
Well, you either want to marry her or want to break up with her. You can’t comment both in the same post.
Frankly, you sound like different people. You acknowledge that your friends understand you better than you girlfriend and realistically, those should be reversed. You seem to want more friends time than gf time. That being said, I’m happily married after wanting my bf to game less; he didn’t actually want more time with his friends, it was more escapism, but we wouldn’t have known if not for lots of in depth convo. It’s not a direct comparison, just showing you that compromise exists in every form.
A lot of this is naked to say, because it depends so heavily on age and maturity and life goals. What do you want? If you love her and want to stay together, there’s ways to work around these issues. If you want to break up, we can walk you through that. But what I see is two people who love each other yet don’t understand each other, and matrix-like: that choice is up to you. We can help you grow together or we can help you realize it’s not meant to be. We can help you grow, or we can help you split. Unfortunately, the base decision is up to you and what you hold as priority in your life.
He's definitely not all that great and neither am I. I know we were both wrong for this affair and I do not want to have a relationship with him. I have broken up with my boyfriend but I have not been honest about the motivation behind it. I just can't break his heart. Thanks for your advice and honesty, I appreciate it.
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handle it by telling him to fuck off, this is disrespectful whether it's a blood relative or a new friend.
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This cosleeping movement is he stupidest thing to come out of crunchy mom Facebook.
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4) He says he feels devalued that the whole situation even started, went that far, and feels that I didn’t value how much he loves me and the boundaries we spoke about before, if i did then i “would not not have started the damn game”. If I didn’t, why the heck would i still be doing all of this willingly, all the while when he’s been lowkey victim blaming me and i keep excusing it because he’s hurt. I didn’t start the game, and i did not willingly disrespect his boundaries, i am responsible in a way, i know, but he is ignoring everything. I get that any partner hates the idea of another person touching their partner. I have validated that so many times for him, i have owned up to the role i had to play by not reading the situation, i have taken responsibility, all the while trying to process my trauma. Heck I’ve even suggested going to a therapist together. But on the other hand, he is not ready to budge, is not being understanding in any way. He says “no, its not going to happen, its not going to work, i know for sure so im not gonna try, sorry”. His justification is that if we continue in a romantic way then that thing will never leave his head, and will affect the way he behaves towards me. I told him to try at least, and that I’ll help him through it dealing with it, and he flatly denies and shuts down all solutions i offer, says all potential we had is gone now, and has a completely negative outlook towards it (which he denies and says that its a logical outlook). I acknowledge that this is difficult for him to get over, but i think being a bit tunnel-visiony. He’s only thinking about what effect it’s had on him, and is making the decision based on that, not asking for time etc, nothing. I’ve gone over everything in circles with him 10 times over the course of a month. He keeps saying i should’ve done this, done that etc. I’m trying to explain it to him that when you’re in that position while the situation is unfolding, on top of it while being intoxicated, all the things that I should’ve done, said, don’t come. Whatever did come, i did, but it didn’t work.
SITUATION RN: He says that he hates that I’ve gone through this, but his decision to end things coexists with it independently. He also says he still cares about me just as much, and “probably wont even marry after this”, says he wants to be a close friend and be there for me, and “doesnt wanna lose me completely”. But his attitude over the last month, has been very hurtful and difficult. I keep trying everything, while he just shuts it all down and runs away. He’s being really non-receptive and avoidant. He wishes to meet up, with a goal of figuring out a way to still be friends, and for me to not feel as terrible as i do right now. The romantic angle is out of the window for him completely he says 100% surely, but if we do meet up for what he has in mind Im pretty sure the romance topic is going to come up and it’ll just be going in circles because of his mind-block and will add on to my existing hurt. I know a mind block rn is completely human and I’m not saying it to insult him. But i am suffering because of it and which he knows and repeatedly apologises for, he genuinely wants me to be better, but is still adamant.
MORE CONTEXT: I have been SAed before, which i have confided in him, and he was very understanding and empathetic about it. And he is in general quite logical. I don’t know why he’s throwing all understanding out of the window in this. I understand another guy touching your partner is a big deal, but writing things off just like that is not okay. As for context on our relationship, we became friends first before even going in that direction. What we feel is deeper than just romance, we grew to respect, admire each other as people before partners [that explains him still wishing to be my close friend]. Our families know each other etc. He’s one of the most emotionally available and broad minded people i know as well. However he has stated once before that when things get extremely bad, his defence mechanism is shutting down emotionally and ignoring it forever, which he knows is unhealthy and has only done it as a response to growing up with an overbearing, controlling and verbally abusive parent, and never otherwise.
FINAL QS: How am I supposed to proceed here? Time is one way, but he’s completely negative about it even in the future. Possibility is that even after time nothing will change because of his will-full pushing down of everything. Is staying friends with him possible after his frustrating avoidant, negative and emotionally unavailable attitude (which was bad enough to affect my health) and lowkey-victim blaming. Do i meet up with him? Do i meet up and tell him I’m not interested in being friends? Or meet up and not bring up friendship or romance altogether? Or stay quiet and just let him do the talking? Or shut down meeting him altogether? I would be really grateful for any insight, or questions. Thank you so much in advance.
[tldr : pressured when drunk by someone i trusted, partner has made up his mind to end things, i am pretty sure it is still salvageable but he doesn’t even want to look in that direction] 4/4
Grow a pair man. If it's 40+ people then there are probably a lot of people she wants to see and party with.
If this circle of friends doesn't like you, you're out of luck.
Time to leave him, while you can still hold your head high.
He did do something wrong, that’s why they went to her apartment.
I think you’ve outgrown him. Get out before their affair goes any further. Don’t end up looking and feeling like a fool.
We all make mistakes. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you in any way. Perhaps him being horny made him lose thought of what you were going through, or gave him the concept that perhaps some pleasure could actually be good for you too through all of this… For a lot of men it is also showing affection and care and love.
He didn't think about the result or consequences, and yes he should have understood you better to think before acting and know that you were in need of a more emotional type of caring and comfort through this incident.
That being said, I don't know if this would be worth it to break up over. I'd say just talk about it with him and explain to him how it made you feel, so that it doesn't happen again. He'll get his chances to apologize about it and think this through better in the future.
It doesn't really differ much for guys. You just go on amd reclaim yoir single life.
Have you talked to her about it though? Can she give you more space and room to do your thing?
With all due respect, I really don't think you are in a position to be giving relationship advice, as your relationship sounds like it sucks ass and niether
Not the partner for you. You have worked because you do the supporting and everyone else takes. It works for them and you’ve set that up for yourself too. You have to change yourself to change this pattern, and some of the people in your life now won’t be there when you do.
No that’s fair. I think this person is in the UK. Which means his partner probably/ definitely has some rights to support for the child from him. Including re housing.
So he def needs to talk to a lawyer. Also if she’s on the mortgage he can’t just kick her out here.
The purpose of an engagement is to prepare to merge your individual lives into one family unit. This is also a time to plan how your financial lives will merge and each other’s assets and liabilities. However, it should not be used as an excuse to drag out setting a wedding date.
I understand both perspectives and your compromise to move in together only after getting engaged is very reasonable. I'm assuming your boyfriend's reason for living together isn't so he can start having sex with you. However there are certain things one can only learn about a partner by living under one roof. For example, finding out if your future partner is a slob or an annoying neat freak.
With that said, if you still have doubts that marriage is in your future, even after being engaged, you should trust your gut and not live! together until you feel confident.
The more legitimate legal discussion on the subject refer to it as a donation. Not a gift. This is because a donation is made with the expectation of some contractual obligation. In the case of an engagement ring the expectation is that marriage is going to occur in the future. Their engagement has ended, so that ring needs to be returned.
That is not a girl friend. She is abusive and toxic.
You need to dump her…
If you get really serious or she pushes for marriage she would walk over you worse then she is now.
Dump her and heal. Then look for a person that treats you with love.
First , you go to a legal person , get your facts straight.
Find out all the ins and Outs . Costs etc .
There is no easy way to drop the news , so do it very simply , and very clearly. Use no cryptic nonsense.
I'm glad that you know what you want. I also do think that Americans are rather weird about sex in general. Although, I'm coming from a different angle because I'm demisexual. I can vibe with someone but don't really feel attraction unless I'm invested emotionally. However, I'm really clear about that now. I used to think I was broken until a friend told me she was saiposexual and once she explained that to me I made connections for me. So I think a straight forward conversation is your best bet. I find a lot of “sexy” memes hilarious so he might have thought you have a good sense of humor. So if he hadn't reacted negatively to the hints you sent perhaps just tell him you find him sexy. Then hopefully you'll have a good conversation that can be continued in the bedroom.
I wish you the best!
So, we never had sex, which we both agreed very early on not to do unless we were in a relationship. Physical attraction is honestly the least of my worries.
6 dates is not that long, it seems like an appropriate time to discuss serious issues. You can break up with anyone you want for any reason you want.
Stop and back away from him entirely. Complaining to your supervisor because some third party said you liked him? Protect yourself. This is your job.
?
inappropriate comparison.
My father has MS and lives in constant pain from this debilitating disease and he would never dream of treating the people he claims to care about in this fashion. he is being abusive and using his illness to justify being an asshat.
nothing you can do will change that because he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. in his mind he has locked you down and you can't go anywhere, so why bother being the good guy anymore?
Please learn from those that came before you, don't let abuse be part of your story like it is part of so many of ours. don't fight for someone who isn't worth fighting for. know your worth, you are worth more then this, you deserve more then this.
this isn't partnership, this isn't equality, this isn't healthy. in his mind you owe him, he feels entitled to your service and your labour. you are subhuman in his eyes and undeserving of even the smallest consideration.
Run away from this twatwaffle and don't look back.
You should just tell him the same way you’ve said here. If he can’t accept that then you’ve got a bigger problem.
In that case, I agree with most/all other commenters, don't be guilted (or whatever) into a form of BC that allows him to go bare. For all the reasons they gave.
Do you spend enough quality time together? Are you speaking her love language enough? Still go on dates and do romantic couple things?
your kid is years away from even being able to tell what clothes and toys are nice or not. what your kid is doing at that age developmentally is absorbing conflict and stress from the adults around them in ways that can contribute to how their brain works permanently. Kids this age aren’t making memories yet, but the type of growth there brain is doing in this time forms the foundation of their mental health and sense of belonging in the world.
It’s tough ya. So if you have any advice I’ll take up that offer
She should have some self-control. How does maintain relationships with friends?