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Date: October 19, 2022
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I agree with what you’re saying but we should address the fact that she’s lying and doubling down. It doesn’t matter the reason why she chose to look at the phone or why she’s lying, even though I personally believe it’s because she doesn’t want him to know she knows about the plans to propose, the fact that she’s manipulating him to feel guilty and lying straight to his face is making her out to be a degenerate. And the relationship should be reevaluated simply on that.
I just called my Employee Assistance Program to look into counseling for myself. I think once I’ve done a few I can bring up the topic of him coming. It seems like such a small issue, but I can see it snowballing if it isn’t addressed soon. Thank you for your comment!!
Seriously, count this as a blessing OP.
Because this is an ADVICE subreddit, not a ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings without judgment subreddit.
Are you in the wrong place? Do you want us to just tell you what you want to hear?
Because then yeah, you're in the wrong place.
That’s funny because every actual human I’ve talked to IN PERSON has told me the opposite. People who know both me AND him, who know more context that’s difficult to explain in just one post and a bunch of comments.
Also, its difficult to accept advice that isn’t sincere. You dont give advice rudely, laced with criticism. That’s not how it works.
Your feelings as a person giving advice are not the focus here. You offer advice because you want a big WOW THANKS SO MUCH YEP I’M THE PROBLEM I GUESS I’LL JUST STICK TO MY THERAPY AND NEVER GET IN A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN OR MAYBE I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF AND MAKE IG EASIER FOR EVERYONE WOW THANKS FOR OPENING MY EYES.
I’m already blaming myself. I’m already hurting and upset. And no one seems to get that.
There’s absolutely no need to throw insults. There is no need to be harsh and critical. There is no need to dismiss and gaslight my feelings and experiences.
That is 100% true.
Fair point, I have no information about that. I don’t know what/who she follows on social medias. Im much more afraid of some of her friends that I know have/had interest in getting involved with her. Hence why I’m making a difference between random people and people she knows. But since I haven’t experienced it first hand, I can’t say for sure what my reaction would be.
You should break up and move on. Your gut is telling you that you cannot trust her. It really doesn't matter if this is true or not, the seeds are planted, and more often than not it's valid. You and she are too young and clearly immature to be in a committed relationship anyway.
One other thing, I have been to many such events with work and in every case and every company, they made accommodations for a significant other, you didn't mention you were invited so I am left thinking she didn't float the idea of you joining her.
She is cheating or looking to cheat.
Yes 🙂 I just had that line from the internet as a motivation and copied it
Yes 🙂 I just had that line from the internet as a motivation and copied it
It seems like this whole thing could be resolved by some good old fashioned communication.
“Hey babe, I prefer to use wipes when using the restroom instead of TP. I empty the bin when needed, and I don't see this as an issue.”
Also keep in mind that living together requires this communication. When you moved in together, you both brought your lifestyles with you. It seems weird that he would want to die on this of all hills, and it isn't quite a red flag, but it does underscore some potential compatibility issues.
The important thing here, again, is communication. Now that you on-line together, it's all the more important. But if he continues to shame you/call you gross for doing something that I would consider objectively not gross, then it may be time to rethink the arrangement.
Dump her. You may not even have ED. There are so many factors that can contribute to this. I’ve personally had this issue and turns out (after discussing with a therapist) my anxiety, ironically enough it was basically performance anxiety, was stopping any chance of erection which was increasing my anxiety etc etc.
My girlfriend was so patient, we developed an even closer relationship and now we also have the best sexual relationship I’ve ever had and have intercourse multiple times a week which can be limited to the fact we don’t on-line together.
If she can’t be patient and give you time to figure out this cause, she clearly only wants you for sex OR finds too much of her self worth through sexual relations, which she would need to work on before you could ever have a sexual relationship that is healthy.
TL:DR Therapy, communication, and patience can solve this but she may just want you for sex
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She asked you out and picked out the place… she’s taking YOU out. She pays.
i dont mean this as an insult but you literally have selective reading
and I know someone of the dudes you dated recently and they're all trashy dudes. And if they could have you, I don't really want you.
He gave bs answers and I pushed him pretty naked
The amount of mysoginy in the comments of this sub is unbelievable.
I believe there is no motivation, only discipline and energy. I was disciplined when i met her so i dont think this is because of her. It is just who i am. She changed me, she made me a project of hers that she finished. And the thing is she left me. Im continuing where i left of before i met her. The thing she gave me is the pain that i transfered into energy because energy cant be destroyed it can only be converted into something. And in my case it will be converted into discipline.
I dont plan on pulling girls on my position/money. I think i will attract based on my confidence and hey, i know what the red flags are now. The first red flag a girl shows im out. And also when i meet the girls mother if she is a biach im leaving instantly. Honestly i started a new chapter of my life and i needed this so the chapter could begin. And im grateful for that.
And as i said the guy who loved her is dead. Non existent.
I already know she will regret it. And when she messages me il reply here with the screenshot or with the exact text and the thing is its already too late for any forgivness from my side. But until then see you bro, u really helped me through this.
Chapter 2023 : The Comeback.
I believe there is no motivation, only discipline and energy. I was disciplined when i met her so i dont think this is because of her. It is just who i am. She changed me, she made me a project of hers that she finished. And the thing is she left me. Im continuing where i left of before i met her. The thing she gave me is the pain that i transfered into energy because energy cant be destroyed it can only be converted into something. And in my case it will be converted into discipline.
I dont plan on pulling girls on my position/money. I think i will attract based on my confidence and hey, i know what the red flags are now. The first red flag a girl shows im out. And also when i meet the girls mother if she is a biach im leaving instantly. Honestly i started a new chapter of my life and i needed this so the chapter could begin. And im grateful for that.
And as i said the guy who loved her is dead. Non existent.
I already know she will regret it. And when she messages me il reply here with the screenshot or with the exact text and the thing is its already too late for any forgivness from my side. But until then see you bro, u really helped me through this.
Chapter 2023 : The Comeback.
Can’t judge if this is salvageable or not, but she lied and gave you an incurable STD. I learned in school that it’s possible to transmit herpes even without an outbreak. She as a person being treated for it should know this also. If she lied about this what else has she lied about. You will have a reminder for the rest of your life that you can’t trust her.
I was on antidepressants for a few weeks and felt the same thing. Cold and emotionless. I decided to stop taking them and to learn other coping skills because I would rather feel everything than feel nothing at all.
Anti-depressants are an absolute nuclear option and your concerns are absolutely valid. They are the result of a society that will overmedicate everything.
HE DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO SHOW UP ON TIME. Like why are you even pursuing this?
He has decent money and buys himself nice designer clothes all the time
Real designer clothes?
If so, the fact that he asks for expensive shit and buys himself expensive shit but buys you stuff that's so cheap everyone immediately notices it's fake indicates he doesn't care about you that much. I'm sorry to tell you but you probably already kind of knew.
Is this man really the best you can do?
Your not sexually compatible.. there’s not much that can be done to fix that. Find someone that matches you.
It's actually completely normal to not be gay and to think it's a sin in the eyes of religion. This is a normal viewpoint held by the vast majority of the world.
The child would not exist if the father didn’t give me complete assurance that I would have no part in the child’s life. If this situation was conducted with legal support it would be surrogacy and there would not be an issue.
This is not a gender issue, this is an extremely sad situation.
I like the way you think.
But you just got done telling me that staying home didn't equal any kind of monetary value? Here, you are pointing out how I saved tens of thousands if not more over the years I have watched my children. So you see what I'm saying? My staying home DID have value. And it's the hardest job in the world to NEVER have a day off. You are sick? Oh well your kids is too and they are puking in the hallway while you can barely function. That's the reality of staying home. I hope you can reevaluate your outlook on sahms, because making comments that I just “let” my children's father, my fiance pay bills that he committed to is a little ignorant for this subject.
Sounds like he had a good time on his date with her. s/
OP you need to be honest with him about your feelings over this situation & about him prioritizing another woman over you. Speak up & don’t let him gaslight to believe he did nothing wrong.
I have tried, she's afraid. She's scared that if the meds don't work she'll have intrusive thoughts coming back.
Yeah that’s something I’ve tried and it kinda helped but I think I was talking to someone to early after it happened that I wasn’t willing to really hear them out when they were trying to help. I’ll look into talking to a professional again soon
I've been told by a moderator of a different subreddit that they added a filter specifically to try to shut OP up. I don't think OP is smart enough to keep track of which fora have filters.
Leave him. He will not improve in any meaningful way, so you might as well cut your losses.
He says I'm delusional and ridiculous for thinking he used me, and it's disrespectful for me to suggest that and he's very offended.
DARVO.
Deny. Argue. Reverse Victim and Offender. Read about it OP.
It’s cuz this sub is probably like 80 percent women.
I mean, they could’ve literally just texted me at any point to let me know plans had changed and they made it up to the hotel early after all. It’s like they didn’t want to take any risk that I’d join them.
They probably didn't. They clearly wanted to hang out alone, just the two of them, but look back at your post; as soon as your mom told you your sister might be there early you started making plans about what you were going to do with her. You didn't consult her or even confirm she was there before you were deciding that the two of you would watch a movie and order food in and make a night of it. It's really presumptuous to invite yourself into someone else's time. Your siblings have likely been dealing with that from you for years, now, despite their actions making it clear that it wasn't particularly welcome.
No
I think your BF is not being very considerate of your feelings. His lie about the cousin/family friend is also concerning. See if he's planned anything special or sends you something for Valentine's day. I am sorry you're not getting the Valentine's day you wanted. Be extra good to yourself and follow your gut on this one.
You're overthinking it
huge problem with how much meat I eat
Well how much meat do you eat? Do you eat it every day? Because by now everyone should know how unhealthy overconsumption is and how catastrophic it is for the environment… Not to mention the animal abuse.
Be the bad guy. Let him believe you're the bad guy. Right now, he is the bad guy for trying to control you. He doesn't have to want it over. Only you have to want that. His denial is a personal issue he has to work through. Do not let him strong arm you.
That doesn't sound like a boundary. That sounds like control.
Ugh….Can there possibly be anything more painful than teenage relationships?
EVERYONE has seen this BS play out before. Seems like it's always going to for everyone.
SO demoralizing. I'm sorry man.
I understand. It can be naked for a man (maybe true for women too) to admit that they can't make something work. If your man is like an average man, he probably isn't over it. He may never get over it, but just does his best to bury it. It definitely influences the value you place on a relationship.
I'm not sure what your situation is, but an affair devalues a relationship (and often the woman) in a man's eye. They may try to reconcile for a variety of reasons, but there is no going back to how it used to be.
I think men often rationalize staying by using children as a reason (rightly or wrongly). If nothing else they can tell themselves that they are sacrificing for the children, and then start to figure out what the hell they are actually going to do.
Then there is the reality of household finances. Divorce is a financial nuclear bomb, and many men (women too) are rightfully fearful of this option.
Best of luck to you and your family as you work through this.
Because I’m looking for a relationship and she is as well, i didn’t want her to think I’m only looking for sex by going for it on the first 2 times. Was planning on escalating the next time if there is one
I don’t agree with ultimatums. However this is one time you have to have a backbone and set a very hot line. Under absolutely no circumstance is it ok for your partner to go hang out alone with her rapist. You have absolutely every right to state your opinion on this. You obviously can’t stop her from doing anything. However I think you need to really look at this situation. Something isn’t not adding up. They broke up she remained friends he then raped her and she still remained friends, and now wants to go out with him alone. Something isn’t right here. Whether there is more to the story or some weird trauma bond something is right. And I don’t think this is going to end well for you.
I would absolutely never ever expect my partner to be ok with me going out alone with someone who raped me. I would never put them through that nor would I ever go near that pos ever again.
She’s obviously cheating
She's not of sound mind, even do a little math, assuming she was capable of carrying her baby she is giving birth around 51yr old, meaning having a the starts of a teenage life when she's in her mid 60s and theoretically 70yrs old with an 18/19yo child, someone who's parents even she is of sound mind won't on-line to see grandchildren, not to mention the financial strain on everyone involved! This is a midlife crisis /menopausal idea not realistic or safe.
Reddit at it again….
Who says he will get to that dark place? Who says what happens exactly?
I know someone who just to had physical altercations with his previous relationship but now is in a loving relationship without any problems (12 years in)
Reddit is black and white and love other peoples drama
Reddit at it again….
Who says he will get to that dark place? Who says what happens exactly?
I know someone who just to had physical altercations with his previous relationship but now is in a loving relationship without any problems (12 years in)
Reddit is black and white and love other peoples drama
Reddit at it again….
Who says he will get to that dark place? Who says what happens exactly?
I know someone who just to had physical altercations with his previous relationship but now is in a loving relationship without any problems (12 years in)
Reddit is black and white and love other peoples drama
Reddit at it again….
Who says he will get to that dark place? Who says what happens exactly?
I know someone who just to had physical altercations with his previous relationship but now is in a loving relationship without any problems (12 years in)
Reddit is black and white and love other peoples drama
Good luck OP. You will come out the other side of this a much stronger and eventually happier person even if it may not feel like it right now. Hugs to you.
dude im trying so naked…..10 years isn't something easy to try and keep,…. I really do LOIE her and it might be because shes my one and only and we have 2 kids….but fuck man she' so special but idn man
You're dating a baby. He keeps doing it because you keep going back to him. Don't expect that to change if you keep dating him.
Sis, life is too short to play Mommy to a 40 year old man acting like a petulant teenager. He is not going to change. These patterns of behavior are hardwired into him at this stage. Separate finances if they are combined, run the lease out and then move out. You deserve a full life with a full partner who behaves like an adult.
Right?! If I were in the same place as OP (which is obviously unlikely), I'd show up to the graduation with balloons and a damn homemade banner.
There was another post about someone in law school, and no one wanted to celebrate with him or make the effort. I just wished I was able to bring a whole bunch of strangers and party with these people who worked so naked for their dreams.
It's really sad how unsupportive family can be.
OP, congratulations! Please attend your graduation. I hope you can have your friends and people who are supportive and went through it all with you by your side!
Go to your graduation and then afterwards go to the wedding.
His marriage is his, your medical degree and journey is yours.
Hopefully you have ended this.
He’s telling you whatever you need to hear.
More of a physical separation to fix deeper problems in ourselves and I'm pushing him to get therapy. Not seeing other people that I'm aware of
No I’ve told him he can travel as much as he wants – he has load is friends and his brothers are also keen. The issue is that he wants to have those experiences as a family – we were planning on having kids
You want to be a dad? Obtain an STD? These are important questions you should ask yourself before deciding to use a condom.. or not.
First, he’s a food-safety idiot. Most food cannot be eaten after it’s been left out overnight. I can’t believe he’s 27 and knows nothing. Because food safety seems to be a recurring theme, maybe find a video or something for him to watch. Gross.
I think for all the other stuff, it’s not that any one thing is a giant pain, it’s that it’s always something.
Absolutely fucking not.
You should have left a long time ago.
You're too old for this. He's too old for this.
Since i would be the father why would she not want me to do the test with her. It seems a bit out of character and im worried she doesnt respect fathers connections with their children.
How do you get that conclusion from this? She is 20 way too young for a child and was probably scared as fuck if she would be pregnant. She is the one who will have to carry the baby or have to do an abortion.
Disagree, I've recorded myself doing a lot of dirty stuff but those video mever left my phone
I think you need more physical touch with your girlfriend. And quality time. You’re only seeing her 3 times a month, that’s not enough. Is there a reason why you guys see eachother so little?
That’s why you may feel like you’re thinking of your ex more because you have the time to remember her. Why so randomly ? I’m curious what was it of your girlfriend that reminded you of your ex?
I think it’s a bad idea to bring this up to your girlfriend. It can end up in a bad argument and even a breakup . If my boyfriend were to tell me he was thinking of his ex I would be crushed, my heart would shatter and it wouldn’t stay out of my head.
I think it’s also a bad idea to talk to your ex behind your girlfriends back. You don’t need closure. You’re telling yourself that because you miss her a little. But I think you may be missing her because you’re not spending enough time with your girlfriend. If the break up ended bad and it’s been a long time— what is the point of talking to her ? What will it do help you forget about her ? No it’ll make you think of her more . And it will hurt your girlfriends feelings as well.
I suggest to spend more time with your girlfriend and try to forget about your ex. Associate everything negative to your ex. Do not remember anything good. Make everything about her negative. You guys broke up for a reason. REMEMBER that reason.
Should have clarified , she cheated. But it was kissing both times . The second time was talking to someone for a week until I told her to stop .
My child looks very similar to me so I know that it is mine
Ah, the inspiration for my username in the wild.
He's not OP's wife's child either. And she is being asked to raise him at the expense of her four actual children. She is not obliged to do so.
You should have as much access to children as she does, and I would get an attorney immediately. I am sorry this happened.
Yeah wonder how he feels about buying clothes from cheap stores. They're made with child labour. Or the minerals that are mined for our solar panels or batteries in our technology. Most of that is made by slaves in monstrous living conditions.
This kind of cheating will destroy you. Because you’re going in almost belly up. Vulnerable with no protection so I would tell you not to do it. Nobody is worthless and I agree with you. I don’t think she’s capable of staying faithful.
Yeah that's probably right
Even if it was, people need to deal with more attractive people walking around
Where in SE Asia is it located?
Dump him?
yeah, its just that, its something I wouldn't assume straight away about someone. That he was toxic and manipulative. When he first came back I thought it was naked for him as well to break up with me and thought the feelings were mutual. But now I know he never loved me in the first place…