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lily_xs, 19 y.o.
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Date: November 27, 2022
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Oh my god, how do I unread this ?
Hiya. No I'm not saying that we are in the same position but I added my bits in to see if there were similarities but I think you kinda get that ?
Re communication: seeing as she's seeing a therapist, she's obviously seeking help and she is doing her best atm with the knowledge and level of self awareness that she has. How self aware do you think she is? You seem to have good knowledge of her I think.
I wonder if she's talked about her needs in therapy and has found confidence to express that to you, but communication is two ways and I'm wondering about her ability to listen snd respond to your needs.
Does it seem like she shuts down a lot? Kind of read that way. Shuts down and goes away. Does she know why she does that?
Sorry I can't offer more helpful advice. Stay in it as long as you want to of course, but this seems a lot for the honeymoon period and some people are just not at the stage of healthy communication and need to focus on themselves.
Of course one shouldn't be in a relationship to get something from others primarily, but both should be giving to the other. As long as you're happy with the partnership then that's great. But the reason I asked the self reflective questions is because you cannot save her (as you've acknowledged) and looking at ones own actions and motivations can help, when considering the interactions. I cannot see that you are being disrespectful. You seem very patient and still she walks away and breaks things off periodically it seems.
Have you asked her what she would find helpful? Can she communicate that? Maybe try that, when things are really calm. But you do have needs and wants and they deserve to be met at some point, otherwise it can be just you doing all the giving and heavy work. And I also asked the self reflective questions because if this is what you are accepting at the beginning of a relationship I just wonder why you might expect and hope things to get better at such an early stage. Recovery from childhood trauma can take a veryknf time but I guess you may have seen that she is doing the work and making some,changes?
Sorry for the very long response! I hope it made sense OP!
Alright, i'm gonna get flamed for this, but i want to ask for clarification. does he specifically say “Its the victims fault because they could have prevented it”
or does he say along the lines of “Rapists are in the wrong, BUT most situations there are things that the victim could do to dissuade or avoid the incident”
These things are COMPLETELY different things.
If he said the first one, you need to get the FUCK out of that relationship. if he genuinely believes that i wouldn't feel comfortable having any of my lady friends hanging around him.
If its the second one, remind him that THE WAY he says things matters because what he's saying is painful for you. There are ways for him to get that point across without possibly causing a CPTSD flare up. Source: Dated a girl with CPTSD for several years.
I one time got in a yelling argument that ended in tears with my husband on vacation because we got into a heated debate about whether or not street art was high brow. Don't take these things seriously, sleep on it and then revisit.
It‘s not only a lack of empathy, but sexual coercion. If you pressure or threaten or manipulate someone into having sex with you, it‘s not consent.