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Date: October 22, 2022
Termination is valid option and if it is the right one for you – wether you stay with your fiancé or now, this decision needs to be the best one for YOU – then there is no shame in taking that path.
This is 2022 and I thought that we left those 50s ideals in the past but whatever
Just have him not open carry around your mom. He’s a grown man, he can do without the gun for a family outing, particularly when people involved are afraid of it.
Terrible take.
Yes he “should” have used his words, but depending on how far along the spectrum he is, that wouldnt be obvious in the same way it is to you.
Neuro divergence is a thing, brains process information in different ways. social cues or gentle feedback can seem like sharp rebukes or very hot no’s.
Its much more so, some poor communication left to fester for too long, rather than anyone been genuinely at fault.
Also, to your first point, if OP's boyfriend so lacks the ability to not go for sex when it's wholly inappropriate, he should not be in a relationship.
That’s funny because every actual human I’ve talked to IN PERSON has told me the opposite. People who know both me AND him, who know more context that’s difficult to explain in just one post and a bunch of comments.
Also, its difficult to accept advice that isn’t sincere. You dont give advice rudely, laced with criticism. That’s not how it works.
Your feelings as a person giving advice are not the focus here. You offer advice because you want a big WOW THANKS SO MUCH YEP I’M THE PROBLEM I GUESS I’LL JUST STICK TO MY THERAPY AND NEVER GET IN A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN OR MAYBE I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF AND MAKE IG EASIER FOR EVERYONE WOW THANKS FOR OPENING MY EYES.
I’m already blaming myself. I’m already hurting and upset. And no one seems to get that.
There’s absolutely no need to throw insults. There is no need to be harsh and critical. There is no need to dismiss and gaslight my feelings and experiences.
If my partner invited me somewhere, and couldn’t afford, I would pay. It’s me inviting them, not them asking to go along.
Could it be that his parents (or him) are worried about you being a gold digger? Or he’s just not used to financial stress.
Try to explain to him that you have to work more extra hours to repay the debt to him, so it’s better if you don’t go on this trip so you can have more time with him instead.
Please let him go for your own sake and his. You shouldn't be in a relationship until you resolve this issue.
They can, but it takes effort. Believe actions, not words.
Think about it this way then? Do you want to be a little bitch? Do you want to live! in a relationship, for the rest of your life mind, being a disrespected door mat?
Everytime you argue, she's going to be thinking about work. Everytime a pretty guy smiles at her at a “work” trip, she'll be fucking him later. Every lunch break she's going to be gossping about who fucked who and how fun it is cheating.
Have some respect for yourself and cut your loses. God knows she doesn't have any respect for you. Don't even give her a choice.
People become tempted all the time. No one would ever have a relationship with no one has ever tempted by something.
Yeah I agree. It’s like saying if you don’t give me attention I’ll go flirt with other guys but I won’t because I have you and if I do flirt in the future you’ll always be my main guy. Girl run don’t walk.
A lot of people would call this cheating mentally. You’ve acknowledged that you have feelings for this guy, and you clearly like his attention. You’ve likely already crossed a line with your boyfriend.
You need to do some serious thinking. If you’re gonna continue entertaining thoughts of a relationship with this guy, you need to go ahead and break up with your boyfriend. You’re gonna end up hurting him, and you’ll be the bad guy in that sort of situation. You might as well go ahead and let him know you haven’t been happy in the relationship recently, break up with him, then do whatever you’re gonna do, rather than try to juggle them both.
If you’re not gonna break up with your boyfriend, you need to distance yourself from this guy. You’re already being unfair to your boyfriend, so if you’re gonna commit, you need to go all the way.
Lol how did he use her? She babytrapped him, lmao double standards, you are as fed up as she is.
You mean your ex, right?
How’s that?
How’s that?
Uh what is wrong with everyone here? You shouldn't keep secrets from your partner esepcially if you say that your sister was talking crap about him and they were best friends and at the same time why is your sister saying smth bad about your partner? Why did you not shut that down when she started speaking or did you? What did she say? Was it true or was she talking crap just because?
I'd agree with you, but she doesn't come over much as it is. And she is living 15 minutes away. I guess that's why I thought she'd want to do something, but I understand that makes me sound bad lol
I'd agree with you, but she doesn't come over much as it is. And she is living 15 minutes away. I guess that's why I thought she'd want to do something, but I understand that makes me sound bad lol
I'm so sorry. His response was horrible. Talk with him. Ask him if the dynamics of the marriage has changed and if thus is something you should be doing? If he says he doesn't care if you do it, then you have some thinking to do because that tells you he's not going to quit. Talking with someone who can help you navigate this calmly would be helpful.
Unfortunately you can't tell her what she can and can't do because you're the one with the issues. I suggest you work on why this bothers you so much and build on your confidence.
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what did the stripper say?
The entitlement and audacity of your sister here is jaw dropping.
If she wants a sitter that badly she can pay for one.
Can I ask why you want a relationship back that’s one sided? Your sister seems to only care about what you can do for her and when it doesn’t go her way, she throws a tantrum and keeps your niece and nephew away as punishment. The second someone uses children as a tool/pawn when they get mad, I check the fuck out. That’s a shit thing to do to any child let alone you own children.
I say let her throw a tantrum. Send the Christmas gifts with your mom/ other family member for your niece and nephew and let your silence speak for you.
Did she know your username? If so why did you think you were safe from judgement?
All i had to read was the title.
Red flag ???????
He has anger issues, which are exacerbated by his drinking, then he feels bad in the morning.
Bad, all of that is very bad
It's an open thing and neither of you are not committed to each other.
It sounds like that's the thing that's bothering you.
I'm very confused how people can think their 'conservative' parents are good parents/people when every single person I've seen describe their parents that way is too afraid to talk to them?
You've got to tell your boyfriend but I think start off with really describing your relationship with your parents and use any examples of times they've been 'conservative' at you that you're comfortable sharing. He needs to understand why you'd keep it from them, then he needs to understand why you'd lie to him (honestly growing up in a situation where you're unable to discuss anything with your 'conservative' parents would explain that), then you need to tell him that you didn't tell your parents and you lied to him.
Expect him to be upset! But I think if you're open about everything and he's a kind/understanding guy then it'll probably be ok in the end. You've basically been trained by your family to keep things covered up and it's actually a really good thing that you're already realising that it's an unhealthy way to be. I think it'll be ok!
You deserve better than him. You will not regret leaving him, and if you ever get any moments where you need affirmation, just open his Facebook page and you’ll quickly feel better about your decision. He sounds like a one-way ticket to dickheadsville.
You can forgive him for your own sake, but that doesn't mean you have to speak to him ever again. Forgiveness is about you letting go and not carrying hate/anger around inside of you. It is not giving him a free pass or acting like nothing ever happened. You can forgive and still not have anything to do with the other person.
I know. The fact that it is impossible for the baby to be his is not at issue.
This is about whether she took responsibility for her actions. That matters because it speaks to her intentions going forward – Is she going to blame OP for the divorce? Will she try to justify her cheating by maligning OP's character? Is she going to tell people that OP is the father? That he abandoned her and the child? That he's a deadbeat that refuses to pay child support?
If she admitted to cheating in front of her father, she can't lie to her family about OP.
That's the reason behind my comment. It's not about biology.
You don’t need to lay any groundwork. You just talk to an attorney, make your exit plan and inform.
But what I don’t understand is why you won’t just be honest in therapy? That’s the whole point of it. If you’re not going to be honest and aren’t interested in trying to work on the marriage then don’t waste the time or money or lead her on.
Some things were off. He used to beat up his sister. He joked about beating me in front of his friends. I told him I didn’t like it but he did it again. He kept trying to choke me during sex and eventually I just pushed his hand away.
What the hell are you doing with this man? None of this is remotely acceptable, and you’re placing yourself in danger by staying with him.
Many couples sleep in separate beds and everything is hunky dory.
Don't hang out with that co-worker anymore. Inform HR about what's going on.
Nothing more to do here.
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Get an attorney as soon as possible, the best one you can find, and get a solid parenting plan in place. I tried to coparent without the courts involved and it absolutely decimated my self esteem when I found myself relegated to a secondary parenting role where my son lived with her so she called the shots.. plus, none of the money I gave her during that period counts toward child support, even though I have receipts, because it didn’t go through the court intermediary (you will find that anything you want to do when it comes to your parental rights somehow costs you money to your state government’s benefit).. like thousands of dollars were effectively meaningless in terms of what I owed.
Do you live! in a state that favors mothers?
It's true that he is an abuser. Leave him, but there is one more thing that caught my attention. You say you are feeling unwell in your body (I presume physically), and having the same body type, I never felt that. I don't understand exactly why you feel unwell, since it sounds like a perfectly healthy body (ribs slightly showing is not anorexic nor sign of something concerning). This is a genuine question, what makes your body unwell exactly ? Reason I'm interested is because I once wanted to put weight, but it was for aesthetic reasons. I lied that I'm feeling bad and everyone trusted me due to my looks, but in reality I felt great, that is just my body type. But it didn't go as planned because eating more lead to imbalance in my organism and I even developed gastritis and fked up my digestive system. Figured I feel healthiest while maintaining my natural weight, which is not much. If it's not your case, I highly advise you to be extra cautious when starting a weight gaining diet. It involves tons of food and it should be well regulated! And yet again-ditch the boyfriend
This sounds super normal tbh; I have a therapist, and she will text me reminders and include a thoughtful message, and has also said in emergencies that I can contact her. We also regularly go over sessions unless she has a patient directly waiting after. I think therapists (considering they are human after all) can grow to care for their patients. But even if she did have a crush, she would be completely trashing her career because it’s not like she would be allowed to date a patient even if the therapy ended.
Also, based on your below comments of how your husband’s therapist phrased the divorce comment, that seemed fairly normal too. Literally nothing you’ve mentioned strikes me as odd, and I’ve seen a couple different therapists since I was a kid.
her name is not on the deeds, only his. He could kick her out at any time.
That's possibly a huge “nope” depending on where they live!.
In most of the US, as long as some “establishes residence” at a home, they are legally considered a resident, even if they aren't on the lease/deed/mortgage. They could file an eviction notice against them, but that takes atleast 90 days.
I'm not sure what country you are talking about though, so please double check the laws there.
How to be a good partner to a grown adult man is to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming yourself. You have no responsibility for somebody else’s feelings. If you’re not actively participating in the problem. You need a book called codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It is a primer for the behavior you’re talking about. You were codependent around him.
My issue is, I have a girlfriend [24F] (we are together for four years)
OP, you've been emotionally cheating on her for quite a long time already. Srsly it's time to be honest with her, and break up to work on yourself.
This is unbelievably disrespectful!
I don't agree with this at all. Him doing housework while she cares for a newborn isn't “being pampered.” If she's breastfeeding, that's what's necessary.
The amount of housework I was able to do with a newborn while breastfeeding was close to zero. Yes, she can pump so dad can do some feedings, but that's just even more work, and could potentially reduce her milk supply.
As the baby gets older, childcare and housework should become more equal, but it sounds like that's what's upsetting OP. He doesn't want to be doing the housework. He feels that's her job. I can't tell if she's planning to go back to work or not, but even if she is, he's still expected to help out with housework, at least until the child goes to school.
So my family is Chinese, hong kong to be exact. I'm the first one to be born in Canada. I look Chinese (although ppl say I look half Asian), talk Cantonese, and have a Chinese heritage. No one and I mean no one would say that I should stop pretending to be Chinese when I'm clearly Canadian. Your BF is clearly ignorant, tell him to stop being an ignorant pillock.
He didn't get you, you got you, and you need to get yourself back. There's no happiness for you down this path, only anger and frustration.
So she gave you herpes. Tried fucking 2 of your best friends on a break and was partially successful. Split with you to scum it up with a skeezy tattoo artist. You get back with her during all this shit and she gets pregnant, you say you don't want it but keeps it anyway so you'll stick around.
She sounds great, can't imagine why you have any issues, DNA test the kid mate, at this point I'm sure you'll be their dad but you deserve peace of mind knowing the truth cause there is a chance she trapped you with another man's kid.
I just really want to be there for her too. To help her sometimes.
I appreciate your words more than you know. Thanks a lot
I know, I've been there. He's broken up with you though, and having been in your position, the only cure is time and space. Best of luck to you OP, do your best, we're rooting for you!
I would just explain to her how important this game is to you and offer to take the family to the museum on another day.
My husband is an avid 49ers fan. I don’t get the game and I could careless about it. Like you he doesn’t go out to the sports bars, he watches the games at home. I know he loves this team. So, if his team had made it to a championship game and it happened to fall on an outing we had planned I wouldn’t expect him to come, but I would expect him to make it us to us on another outing of my choice.
no one is entitled to a relationship
if she wants to leave to find someone who will love her dog as much as she does, she isn’t “extreme” to realize she isn’t compatible with someone who doesn’t.
she’s being an adult by leaving.
My gf had amazing sex in the past so I’m gonna make sure to not do that!!
Yes
Marriage is a legal contract. At its base that is all it is. So an agreement prior to entering into a legal contract is just smart. I know it's difficult but love and marriage are two very different things.
That was me when I discovered how in tune non-UK men are with their feelings. But none of the European I met in America stayed in America. They ALWAYS go back to their home country, and I don't plan on following them because that's not a risk I'm willing to take (plus it's not very feminist to sacrifice your life for a guy).
Cowards ghost. Grown-ups have an actual conversation (in real life, face-to-face, not on the phone) and say, “no thank you”.
Yeah, just don't talk to her, she will get the hint.
maybe it was an underground arm wrestling tournament
Hi, thanks! I completely understand the family situation as mine is somewhat similar. I’ve never pushed for her to be open about anything if she wasn’t ready to do so. I’ve always said no matter what happens it’s fine being how it was now (everyone thinking we’re close friends without knowing it’s a relationship) if that was how she wanted it. Her baby daddy does blackmail her often with things from their past if he thinks she’s seeing/talking to someone other than him. So I know it’s complicated for her to deal with. I struggle more so with how she reacted to me and the “it’s all a joke” side of things.
I always see these comments and it's only for men. No one gives women flack when they say 'my/mine'.
Just an observation
Kudos to mom for looking out for you!
If he is saying stuff like this, he is still a problem
No- the heater pushes air through the engine and uses the heat the engine is already producing to heat your car. That's why when you first turn on your car the heat doesn't work until the engine is warmed up.
Do I ask to start therapy by a certain date or it’s over for me ?
I see memes about women being mad at their BF for what the GF dreams about. Didnt think it was real. It just sounds like she's being immature
Yep she went to go sleep with a dude she thought would take her, it didn't work out and now she wants option B back.
Yeah, she's right. You care more about what works for your family than what works for her OR her family. You gave her one option and shot down every other compromise.
Her family can't make July 2025 work, dude. She tried suggesting September 2025, June 2025, June 2026, and then 2024. You said no to every single suggestion because your family wants it June 2025.
If I was your fiancée, I'd run for the hills, tbh
Social media is straight up poison for women, especially if they accumulate a decent number of followers. It turns them into narcissistic nutcases who put everything else in the backseat.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. Your anniversary is about YOU TWO. And the only one who is allowed to have image concerns here is you (not that you should, go rock an eyepatch and look like a friggin badass), but it definitely ain't her. She doesn't want to be seen in public with you? Well you shouldn't want to be seen with her either. She cares more about appearances than your relationship, your health and your special moment. She showed her true colors. Either things change drastically or you should seriously seriously consider reevaluating you relationship. You deserve someone who cares about you.
That’s literally all you need to know. Giant fundamental difference. Plus with all the other stuff and he’s 30 with no work ethic. This is also a bad example to raise kids under. I know it seems like a long way out but it’s better to cut ties now than to complicate things later.
Come on girl. You already know the answer. He is 36 years old; do you think you are magically going to change the situation. It has already affected your relationship and you dont even live! with him yet.
I would say she shouldn’t do it directly but there are many devices that adoptive mothers DO in fact use and even fathers use that looks like a boob and holds formula or pumped breast milk to get that. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the same experience as trans women but I would be SO hurt knowing I’m a “mother” but can’t breastfeed. Just as now as a cis woman, I would be extremely hurt if I knew I was a “mother” but couldn’t breastfeed. That WOULD put a strain on the bonding I have with my child because I would not be able to look at myself and feel like I was being the best parent I could. And I would feel so depressed because of it.
This isn’t about transphobia, this is about her using a baby to satisfy her need. I’d be just as wigged out about cis women who didn’t produce milk doing the same thing. Nipple confusion is real and can seriously derail your breastfeeding schedule etc.
Well yeah, your relationship is logically over if she has avoided seeing you for a month.
1000% fake. This person has made exactly 24 posts in their reddit lifetime. 22 of those 24 posts have been removed for various reasons, mostly spam, some scam free makeup nonsense, suicide topics, and general lack of following any sort of community guidelines. He/she has been warned multiple times that they will be banned from various subreddits, no way to know if it ever happened.
My favorite one is the one about owning 1 billion dogecoin or shibacoins or some other random crypto, I didn't look super very hot into it.
Also her husband is not only schizophrenic and clearly incapable of functioning as a parent, but also now bipolar on top of it. His psychotic episodes are many and frequent. Allegedly.
If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck…well you get the idea.
So she never mentioned your weight at all? Kind of sounds like she got excited and told too many people, and had to cut down the number… exactly like she said. I think you’re just not as close as you think you are.
If you go looking for malice in everyone’s actions, you’re just going to make yourself bitter and miserable.
So she never mentioned your weight at all? Kind of sounds like she got excited and told too many people, and had to cut down the number… exactly like she said. I think you’re just not as close as you think you are.
If you go looking for malice in everyone’s actions, you’re just going to make yourself bitter and miserable.
Because when women choose to have a baby, it's already inside them. When men choose to have a baby, they put their sperm inside a fertile vagina. That is the only way to become a father unless you are assaulted. Pregnancy doesn't affect a man's body, both parents have the choice to relinquish parental rights after the birth, both parents have the right to not parent the child. Courts do not force parenting time on people who don't want it. Also, women who give up their parental rights are often shamed just as much or more than men who refuse to parent their children.
would’ve been nice if you left out the last part. bit hurtful
That's challenging. As long as there's no history of abuse towards each other on either side, it might be worth considering couple's counselling to air things out a little bit in terms of the resentment.
So the home wrecker is childish and petty, color me shocked… your dad was wrong for forcing you to go to that event, it wasn’t right for you to wear white but you were a teen, and both your dad and his AP broke your home, it wasn’t nice of you to do/say what you did but it wasn’t unprovoked, and you have apologized, “Sarah” had no reason to do that, she is a full grown adult, she should understand that you were an scared, angry girl, that was hurt by her actions, it was over 10 years ago, and it your first marriage, so it’s a dumb and unjustified jab,
Yea, therapy helps a lot. Thanks for saying that. Will have to move on.
Is he aware that they were recorded having sex? He can always ask her to delete and not to distribute, else that’s revenge porn. Both of you can report her then. If he’s not aware of the record, that’s illegal and he can sue her.
To distinguish them from the child OP has with another woman.
I’m sorry. Dating is tough. Chin up. You will be fine.
I’d snoop
I wouldn’t say that’s average sex for the population, and not average sex for 10+years of marriage ? Enjoy it while you have it!
Thank you for your words. ?? Do you mean genital herpes? I thought that was like 1 in 8 people.
This was really sad to read. I see your pain.
It's time for you to start moving on from this relationship. I highly recommend a physical separation, where you leave and live! somewhere else for a while. Not just in a different room! Give yourself two or three months and see what life is like.
Whether you can manage no contact, low contact or you find yourself chatting with her often, give yourself that physical space from your wife. That's where you start.
At first you will be eaten up with fear and worry wondering what she's doing, or feeling bitter that she maybe finally feels free to do what she wants. But guess what, you're free too, even now you are free. You just don't know it yet.
Maybe she will sense you moving on and try to reel you back in. Don't you want to get a taste of her chasing you for once? Ironically that might give you enough confidence to finally get a divorce.
I hope you can give that a try. You can check my post history for my experience in your shoes.
She probably has a condition called vaginismus. This isn’t normal.
It hurt for you and many others because there is very little sex ed that focuses on women’s pleasure and making it not hurt. Most girls are nervous the first time, don’t get properly turned on, the guy just shoves it in because that’s what he thinks he’s meant to do and voilà…pain.
I was 15 when i had sex the first time and it didn’t hurt one bit because I knew I needed to be turned on properly and so did the guy I was with at the time. It is not normal for it to hurt. A little education, patience and compassion makes it not hurt.
The reason this myth is misogynistic is because it excuses men and society from doing the things that prevent girls and women from being in pain. Our pain is normal and expected… and that is morally revolting.
I don't know if this is the right time to do this but one way to deal with that is to Lean into it.
E.G.
BF: You are not as perky as you used to be
GF: Oh no , do you want to break up so you can be free to find the perkiness of your dreams?
BF: ? ?
I'm so sorry for what was done to you. Talk to her. This is not your fault and I really do hope that you report him.
She does want to continue the friendship, and she wants to continue building her new relationship, which I wholeheartedly support. But her gf’s 180 about the situation put her in a lose-lose position. It’s basically a subtle ultimatum without saying it straightforward, and I don’t think it was fair of her to do.
I don’t understand why there’s so much animosity in your comments. I feel like you’re functioning on an assumption that I truly feel this “ownership” over her and want to “cause trouble in the relationship” — because I am doing the complete opposite. I want to keep a friendship that matters to both of us WITHOUT causing any trouble to the growing relationship. And fucking off as you so kindly suggested isn’t the solution, but thanks for your input.
Thankyou for your comment. I would like to add that I'm also going to start individual therapy where I plan on raising all of this. We love and respect each other very much and just want eachother to be happy. I would never want to force him into a decision his not on board with and I know he feels the same. This whole situation is very upsetting and I don't want to loose him. I can see by this comment that it is my issue more than his to work through as I'm the one that's not committing to a decision. Despite being in a 10 year relationship, commitment really scares me and I worry I will regret my decisions. With this, I don't want to stay with him and never have kids, then to one day wake up when I'm 60 and regret my choices. I guess there's no right or wrong answer but any further advise would be good
Lmao my bf pays every single time for everything. He actually gets irritated if I try to pay. Why the hell would I assume I’m paying if he does 100% of the time, or in OP’s case, 99% of the time
Yeah thats never really been an issue I like being a pretty hands on dad
Telling you what you are allowed to wear is not a boundary.
Do you want to keep having to deal with that, or not. That’s what it boils down to
Alright then, fair enough
I’d really like to have a friend, though. That’s my hope when meeting people, to make friends.
You “saw something” on her phone? Did you go through her phone without permission?
I would've left you right then and there
You do know they make latex-free condoms, right?
Things I know about NZ:
Good at rugby Something about lord of the rings … … … Jacinda Arden is kinda cool I guess … Kiwi birds … … Isn't Australia … Are prostitutes legal there, or am I thinking of Zealand near Amsterdam?
What on earth makes you think this is a good idea?
She’s not your girlfriend.
Exceptional racism is still racism. “You're black, but not like the others!” Means fuck all having black friends.
It definitely sucks for OP, as it's difficult to turn off love for a person immediately, even when the mask comes off.
What advice do you want to hear? If you want to fuck your teacher then divorce your husband.
We’ve had virtual sex a couple of times
I am considering meeting up with Todd to finally do it in person.
vs
However, although me and my husband talk about sleeping with other people together
You're already cheating on your husband. Don't mince words or act like “My husband wants to do stuff with other people with me” is the same as “I'm having phone sex and I'm going to have real sex with some other dude behind my husbands back”.
I don’t know what to do, l know in my heart it wouldn’t mean anything other than just sex if I slept with Todd, but I feel guilty and I don’t know how my husband would react if I told him about it. Should I tell him?
If it was “nothing but sex” you wouldn't be sneaking around and PLANNING to cheat on your husband with this man. If it was an honest option? You wouldn't be hiding it.
Just cut out the middle man… stab your husband in the back, divorce him and sleep with some random dude because you don't respect your husband and don't love him.
If you loved your husband? you wouldn't be cheating on him.
You already hurt him by cheating on him.
Three weeks. Do you have Borderline Personality? It's sounding kinda like that.
Yes, I’m definitely being US centric but I can’t imagine a place where you can call up someone (the government?) and be like “my friend is acting different on social media, go get her”
Also we’re forgetting the other real villain here, OP’s wife’s friend! What is up with these people ?
When “jokes” are only funny to the person making them, it's time to get new material. Regardless the truth is that this dude is just a bully. He probably hates himself and has to put you down to feel better. He thinks he can bully you into thinking he's the best thing that ever happened to you and that you don't deserve better, but you do. Unless he has a complete personality change (unlikely), drop his ass
You deserve better.Save your heart for someone who deserves it.