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Lo, 24 y.o.
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Date: October 3, 2022
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I think your gf's male friend has a crush on your gf but with an odd twist. He gets off on other men fucking her. That's why he sent her the stockings, ostensibly to “help her with her insecurities”. It is not normal to send lingerie to close female friends for them to wear when having sex with other men. He has probably masturbated very hot to the thought of your gf enjoying sex with you while wearing the stockings.
What your gf gets from this is obviously the attention and the devotion. Her male friend has no doubt provided her with real value over the years but he has gone too far because what he's doing is interfering with the relationship between you and your gf. In particular, the offer for you to move in to online with him as a trio was very strange. I think he wants to witness your sexual relationship up close. It is not enough for him to donate your gf sexy lingerie to wear while having sex with another man. He wants to hear the action through the walls. That the move almost happened is bizarre.
It seems to me this guy has your gf hooked. She is addicted to the attention and the validation he's supplying her.
i never told her too. she went by herself without me knowing it. She knows that if i had to be known i would never even tell her to meet him. she was just sad for him. He was basically manipulating her emotionally
OP, it really sounds like you're grasping at straws to make more of this than it really is.
Dude got drunk and you had to take care of him. Yes, that's shitty for you but according to you it's not a recurrent thing and he's shown regret over the situation.
Why are you trying so hard to paint this as a life changing event, OP?
I don't see how it's my fault and why I should have to password protect it from my husband who normally respects my privacy and especially when I specifically told him to leave it alone.
I expected him to be mature enough to bring it up to me outside of a fight. Also, this isn't new to him. We've talked more than once about what I mentioned. I don't think it's relevant whether he knew about my mom or not, and remember this was a multi-page thing and what I said about our relationship was like 5 sentences. I already mentioned this next part in the actual post, but I'm not sure if you missed it or not so I'll reiterate: In said thing, I included that I had been having really distressing thoughts about self-harm and self-delete. I would have expected him to be more concerned that his partner was having those thoughts especially since I've struggled in the past, instead of something that wounded his pride.
If you feel like that and she is not responding for your feelings, invalidating them and even blocked you… To me that's bad.
She is not worth your time and specially your love.
No relationship ever reaches a point of perfection. It's a work of progress constantly and even after 50 years of being together couples are still working at one thing or another.
The question is what is his ideal. 'Problems with communication' is a broad area. What specifically is the problem with your communication that troubles him? After 8 years, he should be able to name what bugs him and identify exactly how to resolve it because it's irked him since the beginning. In addition, he should also be able to handle the criticism that comes with being critical because if he retreats when this subject is discussed, then he isn't actually being serious about finding a solution.
In my humble opinion, he's making excuses for some reason or another.
i want an answer to my question. “how do i make him stop”. i'm asking for A not B, but everyone keeps answering everything other than my question
Maybe she’s trying to foist you off on her sister?
Take this advice. And also if you ever meet a 24yr old boy in the wild who says he is getting married soon, tell him to wait. A lot changes between 24-30.
I'd suggest having an open and honest conversation with her if this is something she needs.
If she says yes. Time to divorce. Cause you two are no longer compatible, don't be the stable ground she lands on while she plays around with others.
How did he respond when you told him how you felt?
Like Indian giving?
Sell the damn cars, but lose this expression.
But that may be an exhausted, burnt out response to years of this kind of treatment (exacerbated but behavior after baby was born)
Dumb reason to want to an engagement but okay ?
I do, but this specific group are definitely more “his” friends. They’re very insular, and inside jokey. It’s easy to feel left out. We have lots of mutual friends we hang out with.
“To dwell on the past, is to kill your future” is a quite a healthy mindset to have as it eliminates insecurities and guilt. However give yourself the time to fully process what the relationship taught you and allow yourself to grieve if you need. If you’re avoiding doing that sooner or later it’ll bleed into your life unexpectedly.
If you’ve already grieved and processed the last relationship, I’d say why not give it a shot. Ask them if they’d like to out on a date if it’s not too soon. Beware that everyone processes things differently too so make sure you don’t get yourself into a trauma bonding, rebound relationship, and that they’re emotionally available and have processed their past relationship as well. You might think that they’re ready, but be sure to exit if they show signs that they need time to process and deal with past feelings.
He’s a jerk
So, is she pre-op or post-op? I have commented on so many posts on here, but on this one, idk.
She hid a very big issue from you… I don't know if I'd forgive that fact. If you can get past it, good for you. If not, don't feel bad. This isn't something anyone should hide from prospective partners as it isn't providing them the opportunity of informed consent.
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Reported for victim-blaming.
Large doses of Adderall can technically cause someone to hyperfocus on a thought to the point of unaware obsession. In my experience being prescribed, I've had moments of “paralyzing focus” for something that wasn't necessary or important.
But I wouldn't say that it has the ability to create a thought that doesn't already exist. It sounds like his true feelings came out because the Adderall caused him to ruminate those pre-existing thoughts. Based on his reaction, this would be a red flag for me…
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Ask her the questions and then put it behind you. If not then it will only eat you up n possibly cause you to resent her
It means to me that she’s just selfish. When we have kids and they have any form of musical recital I will be just as adamant. I see no difference in this case
By packing your shit and leaving
I have unmedicated ADHD, and while I do struggle getting my brain to stop long enough to go to sleep I make DAMNED sure I don’t bother my partner
I have tried quite a few meds over the years with no results. I have found some tricks to help keep me somewhat functional and it’s exhausting
You’re in an abusive relationship hunny. Please leave! Sleep on a friend’s couch/floor if you have to. But GET OUT NOW!
She will NEVER change!! And how do I know this? You’re still with her despite her abusive behaviour, so why should she change or seek help?
Have you ever heard “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”? Cuz this is EXACTLY what you are doing
Also fun fact, sleep deprivation is just as dangerous as driving drunk…
Just dump your bf. All you care about is how he makes you feel and what he does for you. Do you not care for him at all? Geez, you suck. Let him go
My advice is to accept that it's a twin thing and you're never going to mean as much to either of them as they mean to each other. Sounds like you've been jealous of their bond since forever. Work on your own acceptance of instead of trying to change them or seeing it as an insult. TBH, the more pissy you are about it, the less likely they will want to be around you.
Tried that but he says its not the same and that its not me. I can understand that, stuffed animals just dont give that feeling of being close to a person. Im just hoping we can get an air con soon.
Glad you have a favourite thing to say in an argument.
Now do something about your poor fucking dog that you're currently abusing and neglecting. This isn't some point-scoring exercise or battle of the wits about who has the most pithy response in an argument, for crying out loud. Do you think your dog feels better because you have a witty retort when you fight with your bf?
Sounds like you need a dishwasher and to organize the toys and books. 4-year-old is old enough to learn to play pick up/clean up toys before bed.
Trash, there is no excuse to have trash around, maybe an extra trash can?
Dirty clothes go in a hamper.
Kids need to learn not to throw food, you will end up with a bug problem! Food needs to be cleaned up as it happens.
Maybe a maid 1 day a week for a deep clean?
Arent you both teachers? Usually you are first to arrive last to leave find him at end of day or in the morning.
Ewww what a horrible guy, no wonder he is going for someone this much younger. Don't let him mold you in someone smaller please. There is no end.
We’re not super close, not close enough that I’d set him up with one of my friends, I don’t even think he’d want to. I feel weird talking to him about heartbreak??? It seems like I’m assuming a lot
Move on
Why would you want someone who abused your sister around. Your baby doesn't know who he is and will not remember him.
You are naive and blinded by your own life experiences
Thanks, I've upvoted every reply. I needed an outside perspective because I'm in a bubble.
Dump this guy. He is trash.
No we admit that you’re crazy and this woman was there before you and will probably be his friend after you.
I don’t know if i prefer these versions, This is so fucked up
Dump him. This is not the behavior of someone who cares about you or respects you. Life is too short to waste time on this worm when you could be out there finding a sweet man who doesn’t neg you constantly to bring you down, and instead builds you up. Remember: being alone for a bit is much better than being with someone who makes you feel like this.
Some people just aren't wired for confrontation.
As in its not that they just hate it, they instincitively avoid it.
Again, if this is real, do you think they would be so bold with you laying right there if a whole hell of a lot more hasn’t already happened? Meaning they have fucked dude… You can’t be this naive or oblivious. Repeating, if this is real, you need to get your kids the hell away from her. Also, look up gaslighting. Because she has you high as hell on the gas man!
Could it be peri-menopause? I have PMDD. Was diagnosed at 26yrs old (now 40) I am on the pill and that’s what made me calm down
I have some further questions about this.
And the EMT’s to respond to the call and arrive on-scene to find two streaks of human eraser shavings and potentially another wrecked car full of people? Let’s talk about that too. The decision to drive drunk starts a domino effect, and everyone involved gets hurt. I promise your parents would never forget the call revealing that their daughter was killed by her abusive boyfriend in a drunken motorcycle wreck. Your siblings, if you have any, would never lose the way your mother’s voice choked up and broke down into heart wrenching sobs as she tried to hold her composure long enough to get those horrid words out. And the same goes for the families and friends of anyone else involved in a collision. My grandparents lost a daughter because her boyfriend drove drunk and flipped their car, and almost lost two more and a grandson when another drunk driver hit them doing over 100mph… my grandpa arrived on scene and kicked the absolute shit out of the the driver’s corpse, believing he might lose the rest of his family, and the paramedics didn’t stop or blame him. That’s what you’re risking every time you get behind the wheel or handlebars while intoxicated. Dump him and get out NOW OP
Sex is something that you can't really negotiate with your partner logically about like chores, because even if they agree to have sex more, it doesn't necessarily put them in the mood about having sex with you. Her eagerness to have sex with you is based on her actual sexual desire for you which is hard to change but not impossible if you do the right things.
First, work on your own attractiveness. Looking good, smelling good, working out, enjoying your hobbies and social activities are all things that will help. Second, the needy attitude around sex needs to change. Don't get butthurt if she doesn't want to do it that night, you can be ok with not doing it and still have a sweet loving girlfriend. You might also need to improve upon the act of sex itself.
I used to be like your gf. The difference is I saw how my erratic and emotional behavior was affecting my then boyfriend, now husband. He deserved someone who was willing to try their hardest to change and become healthy. She needs to be single until she learns how to separate her emotional outbursts from her healthy relationship. I'm sorry you had to go through this op
You're right. Abusers are known for showing their true colours during pregnancy, after childbirth, after living together and after a wedding. Any big step that makes it harder to leave a relationship is when abusers start escalating. Age gap relationships are known for helping abusers enforce their dynamic. Additionally only deeply insecure people have affairs. Especially affairs with siblings partners. They tell themselves, this man chose to cheat with me, he left her for me, that makes me the better woman. It's a pathetic way to boost self-esteem. Your sister told herself that as your ex cheated with her, had kids with her immediately, married her immediately, those things made her better than you. That's why she's obsessed with this:
My sister became very upset and started yelling at me, asking what the f I meant by that. That I was so much better than her that he didn't hurt me?
In reality your ex did those things with her because it meant he wouldn't need to put much effort into his mask and could escalate abuse from the start. I comparison during your relationship your ex hadn't got you in a situation where he could start abusing you. You weren't living together, you weren't married, you didn't have kids, you were the same age, so you likely challenged him meaning it was going to take him longer to condition you into accepting abuse. Your sisters insecurity made her the easier victim so he changed targets.
I'm worried about you and your way of thinking. It's concerning you are so willing to put everything on the line for your family after they supported your sisters affair. It's worrying you're crying and blaming yourself. 2 kids and a marriage within 2 years? The first year of their relationship being during lockdowns? Starting as an affair? The ?were all there. That is not a normal speed a healthy relationship moves at. If your sister wasn't so obsessed with “winning” this man from you, she may have noticed the ?. How is it your fault he treated her abusively during their affair and she accepted it because she assumed it was better than how he treated you? Why would that be your fault? Why is that your responsibility? You can be sorry your sister was abused and be clear you don't claim responsibility for something you didn't do to her.
If you are lucky its a Catfish account, accent will probably give him away as not who he says.
Or stalker , do you have an ex or admirer who would want to engage you in this way?
Or he's married and can't even be bothered to get a burner phone.
Actually it's a type 2 diabetes, and the lung cancer reason is unknown based on what she says.
And to be honest i am not searching for an excuse to leave her, nor i don't want to make obvious mistake…. i don't want to make stupid decision too. That's why I wanted to hear others perspective on the issue.
What would you do, if you are in such situation? What would you decide personally???
Did she come running into your room after getting turned on hearing all the swearing but got repulsed by the crying that followed? What a weirdo. Her loss, man. Good riddance.
Just be honest. You appreciate the gift and will keep it close, but you just don’t wear jewelry. Maybe you can keep it in your wallet so it’s on you. There’s no point in keeping some lie that’ll probably be a topic for another day.
yea I used to be a doormat when it came to sex and guys so waiting even 3 weeks is new to me. I thought it had been a good time, and it was something I wanted and was happy to do, but didn’t want anything in return even when he tried.
I just hoped that once he recognized this may form a threat to our relationship, he'd tone it down a bit.. Choose our relationship over a friendship with her.
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Tldr; my boyfriend has antisocial personality aka sociopath. He told my mom one time when they were arguing and he just flat out told her his diagnosis and there was nothing she could do because I’m happy with him and we’re pregnant.
I don’t know what to do about her though?
She’s told me he’ll abuse me and told me to abort our son, I can’t believe this. He’s very affectionate and loving towards me and he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me. He loves me and we are happy together.
He’s never gotten on with my mom but now she’s straight up told me to get an abortion. She flat out hates him and has always wanted us to break up but this has made her think he’s manipulating me into being with him.
He thinks I should go no contact but it’s not that easy. How do I find a way to keep them both without loosing the other?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
Tldr; my boyfriend has antisocial personality aka sociopath. He told my mom one time when they were arguing and he just flat out told her his diagnosis and there was nothing she could do because I’m happy with him and we’re pregnant.
I don’t know what to do about her though?
She’s told me he’ll abuse me and told me to abort our son, I can’t believe this. He’s very affectionate and loving towards me and he just lacks empathy for other people but he has it for me. He loves me and we are happy together.
He’s never gotten on with my mom but now she’s straight up told me to get an abortion. She flat out hates him and has always wanted us to break up but this has made her think he’s manipulating me into being with him.
He thinks I should go no contact but it’s not that easy. How do I find a way to keep them both without loosing the other?
Leave him. The boob thing was bad enough, but the fact he's showing off pictures of your sister and trying to pretend she's you to his coworkers is just… Pathetic.
Leave him. The boob thing was bad enough, but the fact he's showing off pictures of your sister and trying to pretend she's you to his coworkers is just… Pathetic.
I'm so sorry because I absolutely understand. I had an eerily similar situation but with a bad ending. I made it all the way to my final MA thesis draft submission after two years' worth of editing and rewrites. I was ready to submit it, ready to defend it and everything else cleared to graduate the next month. Then… my egotistical advisor doesn't get back to me for over a month despite countless emails. I went to the head of the department and asked for help. I was desperate and still trying to be professional. Finally, I hear back from her, only for her to tell me she still wants editing time for it. Except, y'know, there's such a thing as financial aid and program term limits. She already forced me into max time and constant extensions. Nobody could help me and appealing to FA and the school resulted in “sorry, we can't help you.” I got dropped from the school with only a month left until graduation. Honestly, I'm still heartbroken but I had to move on.
I hope you get a better ending fam, I really do. Email the chain of command, email the advising department. Ask for advice. Leave a paper trail. No one is gonna help you besides yourself so exhaust every possible option. Finally, accept that you won't graduate as planned. Plan for the extended graduation because that's the likely outcome here.
Wish you the best!
Just ask him. I need that money back, ASAP.
That's not good or “normal.” He's jealous and controlling. Once you move in, it will probably get worse.
Yeah here….he’s dating someone 10 years his junior so he can have a power dynamic and dictate who you can or can’t speak to, where you online, etc and doesn’t care if you’re not on board. Your feelings don’t matter to him. You’re a possession in his mind and are expected to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants. A woman his age wouldn’t allow it so…he’s got to date someone young and inexperienced who doesn’t know any better.
Dump his ass and beg for my old job back because no man is worth giving up that much for after only seven months.
Then work on myself and get some self respect so I’m not so obsessed with the next guy
Your take is, that OP doesn't even like her paintings.
? I think you misread, I specifically said “he says he likes the paintings”
Cut all communication.. text him one last time then block him.
” I do not accept your apology and your right I do see you differently.. I see you for who you truly are now so thank you for finally giving me the kick I needed to move on and find better.. this will be my last message as I'm blocking you so don't attempt contact again .. your 29 years old out here acting like a 19 year old loser, you lost someone amazing who would of done anything for you but not that's reserved for someone else. So it's you loss.”
Then block him. He a loser
Yeah, I must admit it does sometimes feel she's making a point of calling us friends. The guy she's going on a date with is 32, and she has said she's interested in older guys.
If someone feels used during sex, wouldn’t you advice said person to stop having sex? So you think she should continue having sex with him? I’m genuinely trying to understand your logic? What do you advice she do?
If you are unhappy, and you are repeatedly failing to have a useful conversation about it together, then you are left with two options – A. Stay in the unhappy relationship & B. Leave.
Take responsibility for yourself, you are way too young to sit in a relationship you’re unhappy with. Cheating is not the option. In this example would just show you to be a weak man who would rather hurt someone and risk destroying their trust in people etc. over just valuing yourself and leaving. Be a good human and talk about things, or leave if you cannot get to a resolution.
If you hadn’t have said you’d tried talking about it, I would have suggested considering if the balance of work is equal elsewhere other than romantic gestures etc. I.e does she do all the cleaning whilst also working, this kind of thing can be such a massive turn off for women. So you can make all the moves you like but personally if I start to feel like I have to mother my partner… there’s no way this shop is opening.
Communication is really important in a relationship, if you can’t achieve this, then the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere good in the long term.