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Lucia, 20 y.o.
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Date: November 28, 2022
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I feel you, I think my concern is how much power does the court system really have. My father never paid support. I can’t believe I’ve come full circle. Years of infertility and I’ve pretty much got myself in the same situation that my mother was in with my father. It’s messed up.
I'm already NC with him. And yes, I've been in a similar situation in the past where my SO was hiding a big secret from me and I would have been grateful if someone had been honest with me instead of finding out the way I did.
I’m sorry but that’s not an excuse. By you allowing her to get away with this behaviour and not setting boundaries you’re enabling her behaviour.
I am honestly not trying to be harsh, but you’re an adult and you have to start acting like it. People like your mum only get away with this kind of behaviour because people let them. She will never change with how you’re going about this because for her there is no reason to. You just have to what she wants.
I get it’s a really tricky situation for you but your only option is to stand up to her. I wish you luck.
Seriously, this sounds like me as a teenager. Then I grew up and realized that people don't just exist to suit my own wants, and that if I want something more from someone, be it romantic or work-related or literally anything in life, I need to freaking say so.
OP has spent literally years being a nicegirl pretending to be friends with this guy while secretly pining for him but doing nothing to make that known and now is treating him like garbage because he got a girlfriend? Good friends are happy when their friends are happy and find love. OP is not being a good friend at all.
Also throughout this whole story I could see where it was going because of all the dramatization, but they did nothing to ever show their romantic interest. Being emotionally vulnerable is something you do with good friends. Good people, period, listen to you and connect with you. Working closely together, vibing together, enjoying each other's company…that's all friend stuff. Sleeping side to side in a bed after working all night…friend stuff. I wouldn't do that now as a married man, but single and sharing a bed is not inherently sexual or romantic, especially if after YEARS neither one has mentioned any attraction.
Sheesh.
You don’t want to pressure her to do anything she isn’t comfortable with, but is she not doing that exact thing to you? It’s a lot more uncomfortable having an unexpected child / abortion to contend with than condoms..
Bisexual living in the deep south here.
What the hell are you talking about?
I've encountered plenty of homophobia, listened to comments like a group of people talking about rounding up all the gay people and sending them on a forced death march to a concentration camp, been beat up a few times, been afraid for my life a few times, but it's just not something to get upset about. Hate is like poisoning yourself and hoping that the other person dies.
Some people hate gay people. Just ignore them. You get to build the life you want, so if someone wants to hurt you don't ever be around them again.
My advice to you, since acceptance is clearly very important to you, is to endeavor to be a normal ass person and not drink the Kool Ade and get so far into gay culture that others are uncomfortable around you. You can go the other direction and build a life where you interact only with other gay people if you really want, but it's kinda unhealthy to burn alive in the fire of your hatred and I'm not sure that would help.
Lol I like her style – she wants you to put her name on your house and she “could” help with the mortgage payment. Tell her no! If she wants to have her name put on the house then she needs to buy 50% of the house and she needs to pay 50% of the mortgage payment, taxes and bills for the house. She is just a girlfriend, not a wife. Make sure that if you do end up making her a wife get a prenup.
Any advice?
At the right time, when your thoughts are more settled, tell your boyfriend what happened.
If he really is worth being the love of your life, he'll find a way to absorb this event into your relationship without blowing it apart.
On the other hand, if he flies off the handle and wants to break up… well, that's a different story, and the relationship might not be as strong (and your boyfriend might not be as secure) as you had hoped.
I suspect the real answer lies somewhere in between those two possible outcomes.
Report this to who?? In most states this isn’t illegal
OK. I think that you need to stop overthinking things. And also stop with the 'ladies' – they're women lol.
Can you just keep your head down and do your work, and not get involved in anything else?
A friend on my partner's just went through this. They were together for so long. Had 2 kids together and a stable life. She up and left her kids and life behind. She somewhat came to her senses after a few years bit there's not much you can do. Dont enable her and talk through what she would really being doing and the aftermath. Prepare for the worst.
He says “I want to have sex tonight” at the point at which she's going to sleep. That isn't putting her in the mood???
Then you really really shouldn't be dating people older than yourself and should focus on working ok those traits before dating in general.
You put yourself at risk for basically no reason.
Agreed – the intention was right and it made sense. Just also made me chuckle reading it from a different perspective
You'd have to talk to him about it and get him to agree to it. The thing about that is that if all he wants is occasional sex it might be difficult for you to hear him say that, assuming he'd even be honest about it. But you won't move forward with this until you communicate.
Or some ppl just have a diff love language then others?
The vast majority of the team is in the men's locker room. Teams sports aren't just about the game they're about the comradeship, and a lot of that takes place in the changing room. It would isolate her from the team and a lot of the fun that comes with a team sport if she started getting changed with just one other person as opposed to getting changed with the team.
I consider it being an ambassador for your partner, so you're doing your best to make them look as good as possible.
It also shouldn't be a very nude thing to do if you truly love them.
The only exception would be if you're becoming unhappy for one reason or another, then it's perfectly fine, frankly something to be encouraged, to speak privately about your feelings with someone you trust.
when times get tough he won't break apart because he's had to pull himself so many times
No sweetie, quite the opposite. When you've been at the verge so many times it actually gets MORE difficult next time because guess what, you have less energy, less emotional resource, less hope and less will to on-line. You start thinking – I cannot do it any more, and I've been through this so many times why do I have to endure it all over again, life is simply too much. THAT is what trauma does to people. With MANY years of therapy and work you get to a more stable place but to say that it makes you strong to the point of stuff not affecting you any more? Girl, how are you so clueless, and you don't see your partner as a human being that he is. Sickening.
It's not about you anymore, you fucked up big time. Tell your wife. Try to be better than the shitstain you were before. TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY.
Leave Elena alone. You hurt her deeply several years ago. She doesn't want to hear from you. She's grieving the loss of her husband. You're not thinking about her, only yourself.
She hasn't tampered as far as I know, I've been checking. Luckily she's chilled out on all the kids stuff for a while
…not during a formality.
So you’re saying it wasn’t an abu kiss? Obviously a peck is not the same as intercourse. Cheating is on a spectrum but it’s still all cheating when it’s outside of an accepted cultural practice and there are strong feelings involved. Both of you clearly were in a romantic mental space or at least you are now in hindsight. Your heart has left the relationship. That kiss sealed it. Based on the info given I personally just think you need some time alone to get your head right.
Ahh, so many people make the mistake of talking to family when they have a fight with their SO. The family hears so much negative and virtually no positive. When that is the info they get, how can they possibly see any good in your SO? You both have poisoned the well.
If your family is so important to both of you that you are willing to throw away a good relationship, good luck on ever finding that perfect relationship. That is assuming that your relationship is good otherwise.
The truth is, the baby binds you both for the life of the child anyway. You will encounter each other even after the child is an adult for graduations, weddings, etc.
The two of you have to sit down and talk. Even if you split up, you need to discuss your child's future. If you want to give the relationship a try, you probably both need to go LC with your extended families, to give your relationship a chance. And any discussion with the extended families has to put the other partner in a positive light, no matter what. You will have to have each other's backs. Relationship counseling may help as well.
It really is.
Completely inappropriate
If you’re not 100%, or even 1%, uncomfortable, it’s still absolutely okay for you to bring this up to HR. In terms of workplace politics, in my opinion, this is the proper way of handling this situation.
If you’re worried about how to approach this, or are unsure if he’s actually committing a violation, your company should be able to provide you with a copy of your policies upon request (if you don’t already have one). Reading them over may give you a better idea of how you want to approach this situation.
About her friends, she is way to dependend on them emotionally, she cares way too much about what they think and they dont care about her half as much as she cares about them. She almost sabotaged our relationship over them
If it were me, I would copy your file only to a flash drive, and then delete only the file with your name on it from his PC. My biggest worry would be him sharing those pics in future. I would also NEVER send him any more nude pics, or allow him to photograph you again. Because he also has hot pics of other women, that would be grounds for a break up to me. If he convinces you that he has no Ill intent towards those pics of you, you can let him upload them again from your flash drive.
Knew him at work didn’t start talking to him even as a coworker till after I broke up with my ex
Lol this is bullshit, again, as is the norm for this sub. And all you guys are venturing out to comment on the morality of such a thing. Get back inside before it rains now
You haven't written how long you've been with him I think. And how long he was with his ex girlfriend.
I assume that the liked each other since they were just incompatible with something (I assume what they wanted for the future, sex needs ect).
I wouldn't necessarily think that he's still hung up on her because he opened the door for her and not you. I might just be a response in relation to the trauma, that he felt like he needed a person who either knew something related to the trauma or that knew him better. And she might know him better than you, if they were together for a long time and your relationship is fairly new. That doesn't mean she'll always know him better.
You say you and him have been talking about the trauma for the past 3 weeks so I assume he wants you to be his person since it's you he's talking to and opening up to. I think that it's a good idea next time you talk about his break down to bring up in a non confrontational way what made him want to be with her in that situation.
I would be suggesting he go visit a doctor. A sudden change in smell can mean a change in something in the body and so it’s probably best he go get checked out and some blood tests done.
If they come back all fine, I would bin all his shower products and get new ones, wash his clothes with some strong detergent (and put the items you can on 50-60C that won’t shrink or ruin) and make sure he showers before bed or particularly before sex.
That is totally different. OP went in to a public restroom and hacked off because he was so turned on. Ejaculating from having your prostate stimulated is an involuntary reaction. Jacking off to your waxer in her place of work is deliberate. If OP really felt bad about his erection he would have tipped well and left.
UpdateMe! 1 week
So 5'2″ you should be closer to 125lbs if you have a truly athletic build. Lighter if you are just fit.
So the I think the main question is, does this bother you and do you want to change? If it doesn't and you don't then you get a new boyfriend.
If it does and you do you follow the very well known steps of how to get in shape. Diet and exercise.
Well, first of all you can throw that 'micro' cheating euphemism right in the bin. He straight up cheated. It was a protracted flirting session that was clearly sexual and involved him doing her bra and checking out her breasts. They were both into it, there was no 'micro' to speak of.
And yeah. He lied, trickle truthed, the reality of the situation.
You say you know him so well but… well, clearly not as well as you hoped. And that ought to force you to reflect.
Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker.
Tell your mom that her friend is being creepy and inappropriate (and give examples) and you want her to tell him to stop. Ask that she not invite him to the home anymore.
If he is at your house then leave.
If for some reason he does get to say something creepy again then say “You are being inappropriate. Stop saying you would like to date me. “
people on Reddit get such petty rage boners over nothing. I was literally saying I was mistaken in my last comment…yes I realise now she doesn’t have a mortgage. Who cares, the sentiment is still the same
Don’t be an idiot. It feels too good and we’re scared? No. You chase joy. You enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be defined. Who cares if it has a name? Do you really see either of you dating around? I don’t. Just text that you would like to share a meal. Then do that. Definitely overthinking this.
The age gap would be fine if you were 35. You are 20. You still have a lot to learn and experience. there will be a lot of emotional blackmail, controlling behavior, verbal and emotional abuse, to try keep you caged. The resentment will grow day by day that you never got to experience life as he has had the opportunity to do. If you continue this relationship, it will end in heartbreak. Ever thought why it is that he cannot find a woman in his own age group? That should be your first red flag. Good luck.
What’s your BMI? How fast are you losing weight?
I didn’t read this post and get that she was repeatedly saying that to him? ??♀️
Did you read the post? He’s trying to control and isolate her. I don’t think he loves her to bits. I don’t think he even likes her. I think he just wants to own her.
I’m trying to say this gently, but her boyfriend is an abuser, and saying “he loves you to bits and his biggest fear is losing you” helps feed into the narrative he’s pushing on her. It helps him abuse her because then she thinks that’s what love looks like, and it isn’t even close.
I know you’re well intentioned. But please don’t say this kind of thing when it’s clear there is no love behind the behavior. It does far more harm than good
Yeah, no. If yall broke up and got back together, the clock resets. You've only been together for 4 months, I would wait.
OK. You need to find your center. You need to breathe into your belly and get away from this drama. It's ridiculous and has nothing to do with who you are. Is there a place you can go or a person you can go to who loves you absolutely unconditionally? Is there somewhere or something comfortable you can find? You need to get away for a day or two. Because cutting sucks and you know not to hurt yourself. This woman is a troublemaker and his friends sound like jerks and I have no idea if he's cheating on you. That's the gods honest truth. He might be. But it doesn't matter. Your relationship with yourself has to be strong for any of it to matter. Work on that for now. Everything else will become clear. Take good care.
I think you probably see, based on the responses here, that not everyone views these things similarly. You cannot control her nor can you control her parents. You shouldn't even try to do so. However, you can control yourself and what you feel is right. If you don't like the situation and you don't agree with it, then break up. If it were me, I'd want to know what led to their breakup and how she feels about him now. If I sensed that she still has some feelings for him, I would exit the relationship. I would also want to know if he has truly moved on. Is he dating anyone or is he still hopeful that he and your GF will get back together?
Did the dancer actually ask her or just start dancing on her? I’ve seen it happen both ways.
And no this is not cheating. Your girlfriend became immediately uncomfortable with a dude who was not you being in her personal space, if that doesn’t say someone who isn’t going to cheat idk what does.