Yeah that’s where I’m at with this. I obviously want to be with her, and want her to feel loved, and I understand life has been crazy stressful for us recently (having child 3mo ago, being unemployed, getting a new job etc etc) I just don’t really know the steps to take to help the situation
I can't figure out why you would need to say anything at all. He is not there. He has no plans to be there. If he ever shows up and says OK, Throwaway, it's time for that casual sex you promised me, you just say No thanks, I'm busy.
I don’t even know if I have any proof that he abused me at this point let alone being able to prove I’m innocent. I got rid of everything that had to do with him the second I was safe.
Where do you live? There are probably resources we can help you find. Even if you contacted a woman's shelter or child protection services, they could help direct you to resources.
Work with a professional and don't wait. This will be with you for life, but there is health and happiness for you. I'm glad you're reaching out so young to get help, I know people who went through what you did and waited until they had families of their own to look after. It's better and easier to start working on this sooner. You're not alone, and there is hope.
Your guy sounds like a total loser with absolutely no regard for your feelings. I don’t see a way through this unless he admits to a lot of things and works to change.
That said, I’m not saying you need to do this, but you mentioned never being able to look a certain way again… and that’s partially bullshit.
I have a good friend who, like you, was naturally petite and fit looking and her first baby changed that pretty drastically. She gave up on ever looking a certain way again. (Which is totally fine, once again) then she had a SECOND baby and within months said fuck that defeatist mindset, I’m going to look thin and fit again. So she did it. And she looks better now than she did when she was young and thin, IMO. I also know people who were NEVER fit looking, always heavier, who choose to become fit after pregnancy for the first time in their lives. Takes some dedication, but also not as nude as many make it out to be.
Fitness is absolutely attainable for essentially everyone, barring some very rare health conditions. But for weight, reminder it is about ninety percent diet.
However if you do choose that path, choose it for yourself. Ava preferably without this dead weight next to you. Making your next bikini photo torture him for his poor life choices works be particularly good revenge. But whatever you do, just do it for yourself.
Op, think. You can make the same mistake twice if you get too hasty. If a twenty people are saying the same thing, you need to examine yourself more deeply. Who knows? You could find yourself say the same thing: “oh, it was doomed from the start when he started texting a married woman flirtatious!” “I thought I knew him well because we texted everyday, but now the honeymoon stage is over and I don't like him as much as I used to! But my kids know him and see him as a dad, so that's another mess.”
Being a slob is one thing, but that's kind of taking it a step further. I've had serious depressive episodes and my behavior has been similar. I didnt recognize it until I went to a therapist and got a diagnosis.
Not saying it has to be that, but for his sake maybe he should talk to someone about it. It's not normal to let yourself go that badly.
When I say that I’m scared of his reaction, it means that I know he will be upset and I don’t want to lose him. He’s not going to physically hurt me or anything like that, I’m not scared about my safety.
1 – break up and get FAR FAR away from him (and I would HIGHLY suggest next time he pushes you you immediately call the police and file charges for assault).
2 – stay and know that at some point you will be severely injurted or killed.
Yeah, this is not normal. First off, he doesn't know everything there is to know about the education system. You could have a child with special needs, or with some special gift that means that she might benefit from home-schooling to fit her education in around working on her gift (I'm thinking music or gymastics). And ultimately, at certain points the child is entitled to have her say in how she's educated.
I'm thinking of a friend whose child was gifted in gymnastics. The girl was very excited at being told how she had true potential and could win national tournaments if she kept working. She was accepted at a special sports school with accommodations so that athletes could fit academic work round their training schedules. It was all going really well and her parents were very proud of her, until she broke down crying and said that it was too tough, the teachers were like slave masters and insulted the children who made mistakes or weren't fast enough. The father wanted her to tough it out, the mother said she could just go back to her old school, they'd said she would be welcome. The father then capitulated because he could see that his partner was going to fight hard to let their daughter do their own thing.
That was several years ago, the girl is now doing very well studying political science at a school second only to Harvard.
For my own daughter too: she wanted to major in literature at secondary school and her father put his foot down and said no, science was better. She'd be closing too many doors if she stopped studying science. I told him they were not doors that our daughter would ever want to walk through. I stood up for her and told him that if he made her do science, she would end up getting bad marks and dropping out of school, whereas if he let her do what she wanted, she would get good marks and be able to go on to university. I said we could ask for an appointment with a science teacher at school if he wanted someone else's advice. Finally he backed down.
Our daughter is now working as a jewellery designer, making jewellery inspired by famous jewels and styles in history and she is very happy. She is an avid reader too, and it wouldn't surprise me if she started writing novels at some point because she writes beautifully. She wrote a really wonderful story instead of a thesis for her Master in Fine Arts. At one point she admitted that it would have been useful to continue studying physics because she was learning about metal in her jewellery course, but she passed that course with top marks so it's not like it held her back. And none of the others doing the course had studied physics either, so it's not like her ignorance held the class back either.
All this to say that no way can you agree to this prerequisite, your potential children's mental health depends on it.
Also, if he wants complete control over this one thing, are you sure he doesn't exert complete control over other things too? Are you sure he won't ever want to exert control over you? (Remembering a friend who started saying he wouldn't allow his GF to do this or that while pregnant… that relationship didn't last long obviously)
Yes I have been to his place. They do have separate bedrooms. And yes I’ve met his mother and sister
Yeah that’s where I’m at with this. I obviously want to be with her, and want her to feel loved, and I understand life has been crazy stressful for us recently (having child 3mo ago, being unemployed, getting a new job etc etc) I just don’t really know the steps to take to help the situation
You call her “the ol lady”? I’d like to hear her side lol.
I can't figure out why you would need to say anything at all. He is not there. He has no plans to be there. If he ever shows up and says OK, Throwaway, it's time for that casual sex you promised me, you just say No thanks, I'm busy.
I don’t even know if I have any proof that he abused me at this point let alone being able to prove I’m innocent. I got rid of everything that had to do with him the second I was safe.
Where do you live? There are probably resources we can help you find. Even if you contacted a woman's shelter or child protection services, they could help direct you to resources.
Work with a professional and don't wait. This will be with you for life, but there is health and happiness for you. I'm glad you're reaching out so young to get help, I know people who went through what you did and waited until they had families of their own to look after. It's better and easier to start working on this sooner. You're not alone, and there is hope.
Yeah, no. Run from this one.
Domestic abuse is not a joke. It’s not funny, and she could get you in big trouble.
Honestly, he's dating someone who's in a different stage in their life for a reason. He wants to be in control of the whole relationship. No bueno.
Your guy sounds like a total loser with absolutely no regard for your feelings. I don’t see a way through this unless he admits to a lot of things and works to change.
That said, I’m not saying you need to do this, but you mentioned never being able to look a certain way again… and that’s partially bullshit.
I have a good friend who, like you, was naturally petite and fit looking and her first baby changed that pretty drastically. She gave up on ever looking a certain way again. (Which is totally fine, once again) then she had a SECOND baby and within months said fuck that defeatist mindset, I’m going to look thin and fit again. So she did it. And she looks better now than she did when she was young and thin, IMO. I also know people who were NEVER fit looking, always heavier, who choose to become fit after pregnancy for the first time in their lives. Takes some dedication, but also not as nude as many make it out to be.
Fitness is absolutely attainable for essentially everyone, barring some very rare health conditions. But for weight, reminder it is about ninety percent diet.
However if you do choose that path, choose it for yourself. Ava preferably without this dead weight next to you. Making your next bikini photo torture him for his poor life choices works be particularly good revenge. But whatever you do, just do it for yourself.
I don’t understand why she lied about being child free if she wanted kids this whole time..
Op, think. You can make the same mistake twice if you get too hasty. If a twenty people are saying the same thing, you need to examine yourself more deeply. Who knows? You could find yourself say the same thing: “oh, it was doomed from the start when he started texting a married woman flirtatious!” “I thought I knew him well because we texted everyday, but now the honeymoon stage is over and I don't like him as much as I used to! But my kids know him and see him as a dad, so that's another mess.”
Being a slob is one thing, but that's kind of taking it a step further. I've had serious depressive episodes and my behavior has been similar. I didnt recognize it until I went to a therapist and got a diagnosis.
Not saying it has to be that, but for his sake maybe he should talk to someone about it. It's not normal to let yourself go that badly.
When I say that I’m scared of his reaction, it means that I know he will be upset and I don’t want to lose him. He’s not going to physically hurt me or anything like that, I’m not scared about my safety.
This.
OP, you have 2 options:
1 – break up and get FAR FAR away from him (and I would HIGHLY suggest next time he pushes you you immediately call the police and file charges for assault).
2 – stay and know that at some point you will be severely injurted or killed.
Those are literally your only 2 options.
He’s a troll
Yeah, this is not normal. First off, he doesn't know everything there is to know about the education system. You could have a child with special needs, or with some special gift that means that she might benefit from home-schooling to fit her education in around working on her gift (I'm thinking music or gymastics). And ultimately, at certain points the child is entitled to have her say in how she's educated.
I'm thinking of a friend whose child was gifted in gymnastics. The girl was very excited at being told how she had true potential and could win national tournaments if she kept working. She was accepted at a special sports school with accommodations so that athletes could fit academic work round their training schedules. It was all going really well and her parents were very proud of her, until she broke down crying and said that it was too tough, the teachers were like slave masters and insulted the children who made mistakes or weren't fast enough. The father wanted her to tough it out, the mother said she could just go back to her old school, they'd said she would be welcome. The father then capitulated because he could see that his partner was going to fight hard to let their daughter do their own thing.
That was several years ago, the girl is now doing very well studying political science at a school second only to Harvard.
For my own daughter too: she wanted to major in literature at secondary school and her father put his foot down and said no, science was better. She'd be closing too many doors if she stopped studying science. I told him they were not doors that our daughter would ever want to walk through. I stood up for her and told him that if he made her do science, she would end up getting bad marks and dropping out of school, whereas if he let her do what she wanted, she would get good marks and be able to go on to university. I said we could ask for an appointment with a science teacher at school if he wanted someone else's advice. Finally he backed down.
Our daughter is now working as a jewellery designer, making jewellery inspired by famous jewels and styles in history and she is very happy. She is an avid reader too, and it wouldn't surprise me if she started writing novels at some point because she writes beautifully. She wrote a really wonderful story instead of a thesis for her Master in Fine Arts. At one point she admitted that it would have been useful to continue studying physics because she was learning about metal in her jewellery course, but she passed that course with top marks so it's not like it held her back. And none of the others doing the course had studied physics either, so it's not like her ignorance held the class back either.
All this to say that no way can you agree to this prerequisite, your potential children's mental health depends on it.
Also, if he wants complete control over this one thing, are you sure he doesn't exert complete control over other things too? Are you sure he won't ever want to exert control over you? (Remembering a friend who started saying he wouldn't allow his GF to do this or that while pregnant… that relationship didn't last long obviously)
helped
Negging a woman who is pregnant with your child?
Could any guy sink any lower?